Chicago Hash House Harriers

Tale of the Trail – Chicago Hash #1508 @ The Beaumont

Hash Trash: 9/10/07
Hares: Just Lauren
Venue: Beaumonts

VIRGINS: none
HASHERS: Just Chris, Chicken Stiffer, Triple D, Just Garth, Horn-e, Moldy Man Sac, Just Jenn, Packher Azz, Mount Schwiinga, Whack On Whack Off, Too Much Head, Just Katherine, Anal Assault, Just Tom, Just Molly, Just Amanda, Rotten Whore, Its too Soft, Salted Gash, Calvin Klien
Virgins= 0
Total Hashers= 21

This hash was JUST LAUREN’s virgin trail and she said she wanted to do it all by herself and she did, but she did get a little help from PACKhER AZZ. What can you say the rain started coming down but we still had 21 hashers show? Don’t you people have homes? Don’t you know you can catch cold? If the weather was nice I guess we would have had our usual 35-40 hashers out on trail?

JUST LAUREN gave us a quick chalk talk and then we were off to the North. JUST CHRIS and I stayed back because we had seen trail already coming from my house to the hash. The pack made a left on Webster by Glascotts and was going towards McGee’s, but the pack missed the right turn towards the DePaul campus that JUST MOLLY caught. The FRB spot was taken over by JUST JENN and MOLDY MAN SAC and they went back to the corner of Fullerton and Halsted. The pack found trail going back to the OZ park area and soon lost trail completely in the park.

I don’t know whom but my Guess was JUST KATERINE found trail in the blackness going towards the Halsted and Armitage corner where we ran into a check. I found trail that went west with our BIG-HUMP visitor WHACK ON WHACK OFF but we quickly ran into a three way split he choose correctly and was soon leading the pack towards the industrial area south of North Avenue. The trail ended at a construction site near Joe’s on Weed Street and JUST LARUEN had a case of beer waiting for us. Some unknown hashers supposedly ran down ROTTEN WHORE? Was it JUST LAUREN? HORN-E? Who was this hasher? The hash had to crawl under the fence and drink their beer but because of the rain we were off in a few minutes. The FBI’s were JUST MOLLY and TRIPLE D back into Beaumont’s where JUST NICK began pouring pitcher after pitcher of beer for us.

CALVIN KLEIN convened the circle and the down-downs were on. JUST LAUREN was punished numerous times for the trail, followed closely by CALVIN for his shitty weather. ITS TOO SOFT arrived and was the NRB. SALTED GASH and PACKhER AZZ announced that POP VII was going to take place on OCT. 13, 2007. We also punished CALVIN, ROTTEN, WHACK ON WHACK OFF, and ITS TOO SOFT for visiting other hashes. JUST AMANDA gave us a good lawyer joke along with ROTTEN WHOERE so they got out of their down-downs but not so for JUST GARTH who couldn’t come up with one?? Are not lawyers supposed to be able to think on their feet?? TOO MUSH HEAD has volunteered to set trail next week so we will see what she comes up with.

On a side note gentlemen the ratio of girls to guys tonight was 12:9 these are numbers that would even make BONER giggle!! I can’t remember many hashes were the ratio is right around 50:50 and its had been this way for the last several weeks at the CH3. See you all at TH3 or next MONDAY!!!

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

The Tale of the Trail Chicago #1507 Labor Day Hash @ The Party Central Skydeck
Hares: Its Too Soft
Venue: The Skydeck @ Party Central

VIRGINS: Just Scott, Just Ed, Just Mark, Just Kristen
HASHERS: Just Amanda, Bloody Thighs, Just Chris, At Your Cervix, Just Chris II, Just Allen, Just Molly, Just Jenn, Cums in MyAssfault, Flying Hooters, Just Tom, Just Patrick, Special Ed Giver, Sirs Poops A lot, Just Julie, Just John, Just Luis, Just Dave, Just Jenn, Moldy Man Sac, Magnetic Muff, Mudsucker, Lifa, Sex Luthor, Just Stephane. Just Lauren, Packher Arse,
Virgins= 4
Total Hashers= 33

Those of us that couldn’t get out of town for the Holiday weekend had a great day to hash and long trail to run. ITS TOO SOFT laid a long trail that went north to Wrigley field before it turned west to the corner of Western and Irving Park. We started off with four new virgins joining our band of hashers on their trek for beer. The hash went north under the el tracks and popped out near Illinois Masonic Hospital with a major check, but the marks were closely clustered together and the pack got confused until JUST MOLLY found marks with JUST JOHN going north. The pack was now being lead by JUST CHRIS squared. They also had AT YOUR CERVIX in tow finding trail going towards the Belmont and Clark corner. Here the trail went thru an alley that I found with the help of JUST ALLEN. The trail seemed to die here but went back east thru Boys Town.

The pack went north to the Addison Police station and continued around Wrigley Field. JUST KRISTEN a new virgin was in the lead group with MOLDY MAN SAC and FLYING HOOTERS. The pack kept going east and could have used a wagon to cart some of the walking wounded west much like our pioneers of old, but most made it to the corner of Western and Irving Park. Here we found our BN but soon found the trail gone, wiped out by some dude washing his car and watering his grass.

I guess **** happens as they do on all trails with this being no exception. The FRB’s enjoyed water and LIFA joined JUST JENN, JUST PATRICK, and others waiting for the back of the pack to join us. I went back to relay marks to the beer stop that had been washed away. JUST ED, JUST DAVE, and JUST LUIS soon joined us. SIR POOPS came in with his special lady SPECIAL ED GIVER. The first beer stop had been found and the second was nearby but the pack had to use the el to find it.

The pack ran to the Western brown line stop and took the el to Fullerton where we ran 20 yards to old party central for the second beer stop. LIFA and I stopped at Dominick’s for needed provisions, TOLIET PAPER for the old party central. We also got the hash some chips and pretzels, which went over well. We finished off most of the beer and ran back to the roof deck.

ITS TOO SOFT used the keg winch to get the beer up and the hash was enjoying the familiar flavor of GOLD and COLD. The hash circled up and punished the FRB CHICKEN STIFFER and we also punished MAGENTIC MUFF for excessive whining. SEX LUTHOR and JUST STEPHANE showed up saying they saw the flag on trail and followed it to FUJI’s place so the got punished for being NRB’s. JUST JENN and JUST PATRICK need to keep their racing attire at home so they got a down-down as well.

WE finally brought in our virgins in the circle, JUST ED, JUST MARK, JUST SCOTT, and JUST KRISTEN, theygot their demo down � down before they were initiated to our happy hash. The POP ladies of JUST LAUREN, SALTED GASH, PACKhER ARSE, and LIKES IT ON DA BOTTOM announced their hash on OCT. 13 in the Lincoln Park Area. The circle was closed and the food was served. Afterwards we did finally come up with a name for JUST CHRIS who will be known as “OPEN WIDE”. The party lasted late into the evening with a free screening of Old School being played for the hashers that were left. See you all next week for JUST LAURENS trail.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

Hash Trash: 8/27/07
Hares: At Your Cervix, Just Chris, and Mouthful of Meat
Venue: Blue Frog bar and Grille

VIRGINS: Just Jenn, Just Debra, Just Justin, Just Molly, Just Julie, Just Jarred, Just Kelly, Just Stephen, Just Lucy, Just Rob, Just Melissa, Just Marada, Just Amanda, Just Garth

HASHERS: Ez on the Ass, Virtually Hung, Lochness Cockster, Sex Luthor, Just Katherine, Chicken Stiffer, Two Tickets to pair thighs, Just Lori, Just Allen, Likes it on the Bottom, Salted Gash, Just Tom, Packher Arse, Just Patrick, Mount Schwiiinga, Cums in my Assfault, Boner Malfunction, Smell This, Anal Assault, Just Chris, Mudsucker, Odor Eater, Just Lauren, Black Widow, Flying Hooters, W’all Bangher, Horn-e, Rotten Whore, Its too Soft, Chip-n-dale, Just Joe

Virgins= 14
Total Hashers= 48

I guess the best name for this hash was attack of the virgins because we had 14 virgins and 48 total hashers for the virgin trail of Just Chris and At Your Cervix. The GM knew that many virgins had e-mailed that they were cumming, but I didn’t expect this many!! The venue was a perfect hash venue that seemed to be untouched by hares in the past years. I arrived and was quickly moved out of the POP meeting area by JUST LAUREN, SALTED GASH, PACKhER ARSE, LIKES IT ON THE BOTTOM, and JUST JULIE. I can’t wait to see what they have planned for the POP hash on OCT. 13, 2007. I was kept busy collecting money and talking to the new people until the hash was ready to start. The hares of AT YOUR CERVIX, MOUTHFUL OF MEAT and JUST CHRIS gave us a chalk talk in the parking lot and seemed to do a creditable job because they didn’t lose any virgins on trail but they did manager to lose a few old hashers. The funniest comment of the night came from ROTTEN WHORE who said, “If you get lost look for the crane that was above the Blue Frog.” Problem was when you really looked around there were at least 4 cranes in the general area not to mention the other ones we ran around. The pack was off and the trail went north to division Street. JUST CHRIS for the first half of the trail did a great job keeping the FRB flag out in front. VIRTUALLY HUNG took the FRB spot and began to snoop out the trail. TWO TICKETS and CHIP-N-DALE also seemed to be out in front as well. The trail turned east and south after crossing Clark and Division and it was here where JUST PATRICK and I took the lead and found trail running down the strip of bars on Clark. On trail I got to meet people like BLACK WIDOW, JUST MOLLY, and JUST JARRED all of these people seemed to be enjoying the trail. The trail turned east again and hit Michigan Avenue, where JUST MOLLY and I found the long straight trail that made its way to the Water Tower across from the John Hancock building. Here I should have listened to JUST MOLLY who found trail going east , but I found trail going west and got most of the pack to follow me. Unfortunately we think that the American Girl store erased F or false mark in front of their store. The good news is that most of the pack eventually came back to the check and found true trail that ran to Lake Shore Drive with another straight away to Grand Avenue where we went left with JUST MELISSA and JUST LUCY leading the way in to the Beer stop. It was funny when the lifeguard at the Oak Street beach tried to tell us we can’t blow or whistles while running. I wonder what he did after I passed and 30 hashers with whistles ran behind me? We got to the beer stop, which was the deck of AT YOUR CERVIX, and most hashers made it except for HORN-E who got lost on trail. The 45 plus people enjoyed some beer and then took off running west to the bar about a mile away. JUST MARADA kept telling me how much fun he had along with JUST JULIE. The circle was formed after many hashers like MUDSUCKER stuffed their faces with free hotdogs from the bar. SMELL THIS called CHIP-N-DALE and I out for the FRB, and I believe JUST LORI for FBI? The circle ran for about minutes until the bartender Cliff loaded us up with free shots of whiskey. After the circle a game of flippy cup was stared by SEX LUTHOR, JUST STEPHEN, SMELL THIS, LIKES IT ON BOTTOM, and JUST LARUEN. Later still many hashers started to exchange shirts with each other. Overall this was one wild hash and great trail!!! Make sure you look at the pictures from ITS TOO SOFT for more elaborate visual proof of the fun times we had!!

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

Hash Trash: 8/20/07
Hares: Just Gordan, Virgin Banger, Asspocket
Venue: J & M Tap

VIRGINS: Just Tom, Just Lisa
VISTOR: Oh Shit!!
HASHERS: Just Faith, Just Patti, Just Robin, Just Heather, Spotted Cock, Ernest Cummingway, MudSucker, Milk My Yak, Rhotan, Horn-e, Hot Pants, Two Tickets to Pair-thighs, Just Jim, Just Chris, Just Jenn, Hooked on Tonics, Smell This, Cunt & Pasties, Boner Malfunction, Man a Whore, Carpet Shagger, Learning to Blow, Fagnostic, Its Too Soft, At Your Cervix, Barks on All Fours, Rent a Virgin, Orge, Just John,
Virgins= 2
Visitors=1
Total Hashers= 35

The hash started from the familiar confines of J & M Tap at 7:30 pm after the hash got time to greet OH SHIT!! from SF and got properly lubed up with beer. The three musketeers of JUST GORDAN, VIRGIN BANGER, and ASSPOCKET gave us a chalk talk while MUDSUCKER tried to hit on a new blond hasher asking for directions to next weeks hash. The hash went North and OH SHIT and JUST JIM picked up the trail going east after a check. We passed numerous churches on this run with golden domes that signified the Eastern Orthodox religion. The trail went north with the pack following RHOTAN as the new FRB. We came to the high school of Clemente and found a bad check that led us north again through a parking lot. I got lost on trail here and somehow wound up being the FRB running thru the alleys picking up a stray mark on trail. Horn-e caught up to me by short cutting and soon we were working together looking for trail near the corner of North and Damen. I finally found trail going through a park and around its fountain, but TWO TICKETS, RHOTAN, FAGNOSTIC, and LEARNING TO BLOW caught me again. I cut out to Milwaukee Avenue and saw ORGE running right at me on trail. I made another wrong turn but soon made it to the beer stop at SMELL THIS’s casa. We picked up a new virgin, JUST LISA, on trail and it was funny to watch hashers like HORN-E, JUST CHRIS and others take their turns drooling over this pretty blonde!!! The hash stayed here for about 10 minutes and left for a second beer stop. As we were cumming down to run HOOKED ON TONICS, BONER, JUST FAITH, and JUST PATTI with OH SHIT!! Were just arriving oh darn! The trail wound through Wicker Park and finally finished at the other house of VIRGIN BANGER. I didn’t know he was a slumlord? The pack enjoyed another beer stop and waited for JUST HEAHER, JUST JOHN, and JUST JENN to arrive. I ran back to the beer stop with LEARNING TO BLOW to buy humongous quantities of beer for the thirsty hash when they arrived.
The Pack entered the bar and took over the place. NRB’s ITS TOO SOFT, AT YOUR CERVIX, RENTA VIRGIN, HOT PANTS, CARPET SHAGGER, BARKS ON ALL FOURS and MAN A WHORE joined the circle. The FRB’s were ORGE and JUST CHRIS because we had two beer stops. The DFL’s were JUST PATTI, JUST FAITH, JUST TOM, and OH SHIT!! Punishment was given out to AT YOUR CERVIX for being really late, and RHOTAN got a down down for being himself. JUST TOM our new virgin was advised of rights in the hash and shown how to do a proper down down by ORGE. HOOKED ON TONICS was being her usual playful self near the entrance to the cooler, and BONER really loved it. JUST ROBIN will now have new Chicago haberdashery, and the GM forgot to give ASSPOCKET her whistle and lanyard. SPOTTED COCK was showing great interest in the Bears game, which the BEARS did win 27-24 that night. JUST LISA assures us she will be back next week but had to leave early to get back home for all of the guys out there!!!
Finally the circle was closed but was soon reopened for namings. The CHICAGO HASH brought JUST PATTI JUST FAITH, and JUST JOHN into the circle for possible names. two of these hashers have been hashing for over 7 months before they have been named and they received a name that even has a story behind! JUST PATTI has been hashing since December and she has an interesting talent of being able to do the splits against the wall. Suggestions for names were wall banger, wall pounder, and spread’em wide, but her name will be W’all BANGHER. JUST FAITH hash hashed now for 7 months and early in the evening said she didn’t want her loose lips to give her a name. She should have told that to JUST TOM, her roommate, because after his loose lips spoke we named her ANAL ASSAULT. Finally, we came to JUST JOHN who has hashed since May. He made the mistake of wearing his man bag to the hash and it was bright green. The hash picked up on this and tried to name him man sac, man bag, hairy man sac, toxic man sac, but he will be known as MOLDY MAN SAC!! Congrats on your names and your funny stories that go with them. Thanks also to the CH3 for waiting to name these people for over 7 months, in one case, with a great name. Now we need to work on names for JUST CHRIS, JUST HEATHER, and JUST JENN who have been hashing with us since May.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

Hash Trash: 8/13/07
Hares: Cums in my Assfault & Mount Schiiinga
Venue: Holiday Club

VIRGINS: Just Katherine
HASHERS: Virtually Hung, Too Much Head, Chicken Stiffer, Salted Gash, PACKhER ARSE, Just Carrie, Just Caryn, Rhotan, Calvin Klein, Batteries not Included, Bloody Thighs, Magnetic Muff, Dr. Poolittle, Boner Malfunction, Just Faith, Just Patty, Just Jenn, Just Carrie, Horn-e, Learning to Blow, 2 Tickets too a pair thighs, Lower Whackoff, Mouthful of Meat, Just Allan, Spotted Cock, Peterbilt, Its Too Soft, Milk My Yak, Just Tim, Just Chris, Sex Luthor

Virgins= 1
Total Hashers= 34

This hash started from The Holiday Club at 4000 N. Sheridan. Two neophyte hares laid an impressive trail for us to follow. BONER and I arrived later than usually and the place was full of hashers on this beautiful day. The manager was very happy to have us and ASSFAULT and SCHWIIINGA did the right thing by arranging us to get $5 pitchers of beer and even $6 pitchers of cider for BONER. BLOODY THIGHS was a sweetheart and collected hash cash and even kept us with beer most of the night. CALVIN was given the hash flag for his FRB impression the previous week, and JUST FAITH and JUST PATTY brought a new virgin to the hash. JUST KATHERINE came all the way from Arlington, Virginia to hash with us. The circle was done outside and soon we were off going east on Irving Park with Horn-e blowing his horn again. The trail split and went thru a parking lot north and I went the wrong way east but easily caught up with the FRB’s CALVIN and VIRTUALLY HUNG. The trail came to a check on Broadway and this time I guessed right and went north where the hares trail went into a Chicago Park. MILK MY YAK with the sun reflecting off his baldhead shone the way to the east. The trail came out on Lake Shore drive and crossed under it to Montrose. RHOTAN, JUST KATHERINE and others took the Eagle trail while MOUHFUL OF MEAT, JUST ALLAN, and others used the turkey split. The trail went west from here and JUST ALLAN found true trail.
2 TICKETS and BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED soon were seen near the front of the pack and joined with JUST KATHERINE in being the FBI’s of the pack. The pack meandered thru some sketchy neighborhoods where people egged us on go catch that BEER!!! JUST CHRIS, JUST CARYN, and BONER got into a deep conversation with the local populace about whether beer is better than Malt Liquor?? The trail soon popped out near the famous jazz place the GREEN MILL and I figured we are close enough to VIRTUALLY HUNGS place that I would make a guess after a check and run towards his place and I was correct. LEARNING too BLOW went west after that check but was soon drinking beer with me at the HOUSE of HUNG!! PACKhER ARSE and SALTED GASH pronounced that the HOUSE of HUNG was female friendly and used its facilities. MOUTHFUL of MEAT couldn’t find her glasses even though they were on top of her skull? MOUNT SCHWIIINGA let us see she was a flag girl in her previous life with an impressive showing of flag twirling in the HUNGs backyard. DR. POOLITTLE had the deep philosophical question, which all hashers have to answer Budweiser or Miller Lite?? at the beer stop. Finally the back of the pack came in with SPOTTED COCK and JUST FAITH and JUST PATTY. The pack enjoyed their beers and was soon off to the ON IN. The pack ran by Truman College and was treated to a fireworks display on the street before we got back to the bar.
Back at the Bar CALVIN ran the circle and punished those people in need CHICKEN was the FRB, JUST KATHERINE was the FBI but 2 TIKS took her place because she was also a virgin. MOUTHFUL drank for the lost glasses incident, and the hares were thoroughly bombed by the end of the night. ITS TOO SOFT, PETERBILT, and SEX LUTHOR arrived late and drank for this. MILK MY YAK was given a down down for being a SEX LUTHOR twin. The circle later tried to name JUSt CARRIE and JUST CARYN and succeed in naming JUST CARYN. She will be known as “At your Cervix.” This was great day to run and hash and all had fun. Hope to see you next week at J & L Tap.
The hash on Friday also had a happy hour where the hash presented checks in the amount of $850 to the CPD MEMORIAL FUND. BONER, CHICKEN STIFFER, JUST CHRIS, JUST CORINNE, TOO MUCH HEAD, AT YOUR CERVIX, ITS TOO SOFT, BALLSALOTPUS, MOUNT SCHWIIINGA, CUMS IN MY ASSFAULT, and JUST MIKE and others for a total of 15 hashers that partied at DUFFY’s until late in the evening. Be ready for another free happy hour at McGees in the near future.
Last night 12 hashers enjoyed watching “BUTCH CASSIDY and THE SUNDANCE KID” in Grant Park. JUST CHRIS, CHICKEN, MOUTHFUL, JUST ALLAN, BLOODY THIHGS, DICKEN CIDER, MUD SUCKER, ITS TOO SOFT, ARE THEY REAL, JUST LISA, JUST JENN, and MOUNT SCHWIINGA . Next Tuesday we will do this again around 8 pm so come join us for Movies in the park.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM