State of the Hash 2008

State of the Chicago Hash Address
Monday, January 28, 2008
AP Newswire – Chicago, Illinois

By CH3 GM Chicken Stiffer

This year hashing in the Chicago Hash has been filled with fun and numerous new hashers. The Chicago Hash has experienced 55 hashes this year with 1,675 hashers running or an average of 30.5 hashers showing up per hash. I guess Mouthful of Meat showed up a lot to count for that half-hasher? Data for hash attendance and counts can be found in the yahoo group file section and I’m sure Its Too Soft will work it into the CH3 website. Peterbilt said back in December that he believed this is the largest he has seen the Chicago Hash in years, so I will take his word for it. Many thanks goes out to those that came out to hash and more thanks go out to all of those that laid trail and hared. Remember no trail, but 40 hashers equals no fun and no hash so please take the opportunity to e-mail Batteries and Mouthful of Meat and tell them you want to hare and they will hook you up with a date!!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank our Mismanagement team Calvin Klein-RA, Batteries Not Included & Mouthful of Meat-Hare Razrs, Its Too Soft- Web Dude, Mount Schwiiinga- Haberdashery, and Peterbilt- Phone dude. Without your help and dedication the hash would not run as smoothly as it does. I hope to see some new hashers this year begin to take steps in leadership positions so the future will look bright for the CH3.

Currently the Chicago hash has about $800 in Hash cash plus $400 in Haberdashery. This past summer the CH3 suspended collecting the $1 per hasher hash tax. Receipts from haberdashery sales seem to be taking the place of collecting the hash tax each hash. This means more beer and in the past several months I have been using some of our cash reserves to pay for extra beer or food at hashes. We will schedule a mismanagement meeting in February to discuss the CH3 budget this year.

Last year the hash, as always, started of slow in January 2007 with a heartbreaking Bears loss. We rebounded nicely with the Chinese New Year Hash in February led by Ballsalotpus and some new Sin City visitors that stole the Smell This dragonhead. March saw our annual Hash Ball with the re-election of me as your GM. Spring saw an unusually higher number of people hashing in the CH3, which foreshadowed the hashes of summer. May saw our traditional Polish Constitution Day Hash run by 69-cent man and the Virgin Banger, Renta Virgin, Calvin, Peterbilt and Smell This Memorial Day hash with over 70 Hashers in attendance. This kicked off our summer well and it seems that many hashers really like these themed hashes so if anyone else has an idea for a themed hash we will support you.

This Summer Chicago experienced its 1500 Hash and 104 people came out to run from Buckingham Fountain to Weeds. Much fun was had and beer was drunk, but Boner didnn’t get laid? Four lady hashers cornered me at the 1500, unlike Boner, and they informed me that they were going to run POP (Power of the Pussy) hash in mid-October. Likes it on the Bottom, Packher Ass, Salty Gash, Mount Schwiiinga, and Ass up for grabs kept the POP tradition running with 65 hashers showing up for their event in October. Halloween saw the costume hash that Bloody Thighs has set for years and oh my God! we saw two Horn-es this day? The year in hashing ended with a great weekend called the Anthrax Hash, which had 114 hashers (new record) participate. Again many thanks go out to those that hashed and helped out running these hashes.

This past year the goal of the Chicago Hash was to get hashers to visit more kennels both locally and across the country. Twenty hashers went down to St. Louis for Green Dress and another ten went to Indy Prom Dress. The Cubs and the Chicago Hash invaded Sin City over the summer. Numerous Chicago Hashers went to Inter-hash in Mexico where Boner was almost arrested, are we getting a theme here? We also visited places like Waukesha, Madison, and DC this year. It will be a goal of this GM to continue these good relations with our neighboring hashes and if any Chicago Hasher will be in INDY, Madison, St. Louis, Cincinnati, Waukesha or Grand Rapids please let me know so I can help you connect with the GM of the respective hash so you can hash!! Even if you cannot get out of town there are plenty of other hashes in the city of Chicago other than the Chicago Hash that you can try. Some specialize in shiggy hashing and others run on certain days of month but all are worthy of running once or twice.

This year we have many things to look forward to in our 30th year of hashing Feb. 10th is the Chinese New Year Hash, Hash Ball is March 1st, May 5th is Polish Day, and The Memorial Day Hash will be May 25. Early in the year Green Dress in St. Louis will hit us on March 15th and INDY prom dress will be May 17th these two events were a blast to visit last year. Sometime in May Waukesha will have their Red dress run as well. We will look forward to the POP running on July 12th or 19th and I have already told numerous hashes I have visited to save these two dates to experience hashing in Chicago during the summer. Will we see the return of the 10-innings of baseball pub-crawl before POP? We will try to make good use of the Its Too Soft’s roof deck once again, and sometime in Oct/Nov Chicago will have its 1569th hash hared by whom? Maybe we can manipulate the calendar to have this hash on Halloween weekend and let Bloody Thighs run it? Finally it looks like Anthrax weekend is on Dec. 20th of this year.

If anyone has a suggestion for a Chicago Hash event please bring your idea to the Chicago GM so it can be discussed at the Chicago Mismanagement Meeting held four times a year. One issue we have is due to the growing size of the Chicago Hash our hares cost have increased to $15-$20 each when there are two hares for our average hashes. We will have to discuss this problem at the next mismanagement meeting because some people do not wish to hare due to the high cost. We also have some new ideas to increase the CH3 membership and will discuss those at our next meeting. Hopefully we will see you at the Hash Ball on March 1st to celebrate the excellent year the Chicago Hash has just experienced. Rotten Whore seems to have hash ball in hand and I looking forward to Milk My Yak’s home brewed beer he is currently making for us.

Chicken Stiffer
CH3- GM

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1528

Tale of the Trail – Chicago Hash #1528

The word for the day was bitter. Bitter cold (11 degrees ambient at chalk talk, negative double digits wind chill) and a heartbreaking Packer loss at Lambeau last Sunday. Just three hashes into the 2008 season It’s Too Soft is already front-runner in the race for for Worst Trail of 2008 thus proving without a shadow of a doubt that even a weather-shortend trail can still be a very sh!tty trail.

All started off well for the hash as the bar, The Spot provided each hasher two free Bitburger beers and $2 drafts for the hash. After a fast chalk talk, the weather-impacted pack led by front runners Virtually Hung and Calvin Klein headed North up the alley behind the bar eventually found themselves in a classic Fuji figure eight centered around the intersection of Clarendon and Sheridan. At that point what could go wrong went wrong as Virtual, Just I Lean and pretty much the rest of the pack except for Calvin and Just Jonathan (probably pissed about the figure eight ins subzero weather) started ranging and picked up the on-in trail by Weiss Memorial Hospital which became a defacto inadvertent Turkey/Eagle split where 3/4 of the pack shortcutted 1/3 of the trail in the park. However given the bone-chilling 20 below zero wind chills that day, for some odd reason many hashers didn’t seem to mind missing some trail.

Now the real trail went into Clarendon park and the under Lakeshore Drive at Montrose into Montrose Beach park and to the top of that huge mound where there was a check. A very nasty check as you pretty much had to run all around the base of the Mound find trail and now there were only three hashers to try and solve checks designed for the full pack. From there it went North to the parking lot by the skate park where there was another check which led back under Lakeshore Drive via Wilson Avenue, eventually heading West on Wilson to the Aragon Ballroom where there was a gratuitous check (mark but nowhere to go except continue on Wilson to Broadway where there was the last check in front of the Green Mill, and then back to the bar.

Once back at the bar, the hare was administered a veritable tsunami of down downs for what will likely be remembered as the Worst Trail of 2008 and probably cementing his lock on the 2007 Worst Trail award too as the aftershocks from this debacle spillover Katrina-like into the 2007 balloting.

The $2 drafts were Leinie’s Red in full pint glasses so special dispensation was granted for down downs so you only had to drink part of your pint. Runners included Super Stuff’her, Magnetic Muff, Uploader, Just Rob, as well as Are They Real who was the only smart person there and stayed in the bar instead of running extrememly cold crappy trail. We were later joined by GM Chicken Stiffer just back from some Cinci thing and Just Alex as well a few others.

After the hash crime down downs were administered the pack set to seeing how many pints we could consume before our special ended and I think we put away at least 50 in the last hour or so before the game. Just before game time Just Jonathan was named something I don’t recall and at the end of the game Calvin caught up on his beaty sleep as the Giants rallied to win it in OT over our Green Bay Packers. The ghost of Vince Lombardi is probably at this very moment repeatedly sticking a large hat pin into an It’s Too Soft voodoo doll because the amount of bad karma reeking into the upper atmosphere from Sunday’s trail probably rained down on Lambeau Field, contributing to the Packer’s loss later that day.

Now the Pack ain’t in it but still our thoughts turn to the big dance, Super Bowl XLII when will also have our annual Super Bowl hash, unlike the NFL we haven’t worked out yet where or by whom. Stay tuned as there’s talk of a post-hash Super Bowl commercial watching party which is likely to be frequently interrupted by a some sort of game involving very large men running into each other at unsafe velocities and among other things, a strange-looking ball.

Despite the outcome of the game and Category Five Bad Trail earlier, the day was not a total loss as we now have a new hash bar where the owner and staff finds that hash very entertaining, in Uptown of all places called The Spot. Heck, one ouf of three ain’t bad.

Party on on,

It’s Too Soft
Consigliere, Hash Flash, Web Dude and Chief Sarcasm Officer
Chicago HHH

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1527

Hash Trash: 1/13/08
Hares: Chicken Stiffer, Stupid man, Stab�em and Slab�em
Venue: Holiday Club

VIRGINS: Just Mike and Just Suse
VISITORS:
HASHER- Just Rob, Sugar Nipples, Just Rob II, Calvin Klein, Just Alex, Are they Real, Nuttin Bitch, Just I Lean, Its Too Soft, Bloody Thighs, Lifa, Horn-e, Virtually Hung, Special Ed Giver, Just Tyrone, Princess Labia,
VIRGINS= 2
VISTORS=0
TOTAL HASHERS= 21

The Weekend actually started off on SATURDAY when PETERBILT, SHAVE MY WIFE PLEASE, ITS TOO SOFT, JUST JESSICA, JUST LARRY, ARE THEY REAL, PACKhER ASS, JUST ALEX, BALLSALOTPUS, and I watched the Packers play in the snow bowl and beat the Seahawks after giving up 14 1st quarter points. WHAT A GAME!!

The GM laid the trail live from the Holiday Club. I planned the trail with STUPID MAN who was to be our sweeper today. I warned him about the first check because the trail bent back on itself about 170 degrees. I was told By JUST ROB and CALVIN that it was a good check and seemed to catch most of the pack unawares. From here the trail ran back towards Wrigley and Graceland Cemetery since I was the hare I do not have many stories but I do know JUST I LEAN and JUST ROB II were complaining about some circle jerk that happened on trail. They told me it really sucked to be out in front of people like LIFA but soon found themselves at the back of the pack? JUST TYRONE was the one who burst through the crack house fence only to see it snap back on JUST ROB sorry but you got to keep your cranium up!! I waited at the beer stop and soon the pack arrived with CALVIN and JUST ROB leading the pack in. VIRTUALLY HUNG, earlier in the day, had ripped of the doorknob to his back gate
so many hashers got locked out of the beer stop until the proper keys arrived. JUST MIKE and JUST SUSE seemed to enjoy the run today now would they enjoy the beer? Everyone enjoyed the beer stop but HORN-E who seemed to have gotten lost once more, boy am I in for some poop. It must have been that terrible trail I laid that even the virgins found?
We got back to the bar and CALVIN ran circle. We said hello to long lost NUTTIN BITCH and SUGAR NIPPLES who have not hashed for about 1-year. STAB�em and SLAB�em snuck gyros into the bar and we sympathize with STUPID MAN whose knee went out. Hopefully he will be up and hashing in no time!! JUST ALEX was our NRB and LIFA drank his usual good beer much like MILK MY YAK!! PRINCESS LABIA showed up and was drinking Shirley temples today instead of beer. She says she was saving her strength for the hash cruise in a couple of weeks. BLOODY THIGHS purchased herself some new haberdashery, which looked great on her. While SPECIAL HEAD GIVER came straight from Hawaii to run with us today. After running the circle for a while hash pizza came and so we sang swing low. The last seen leaving the bar was ITS TOO SOFT, JUST TYRONE, and JUST I LEAN.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1526

Hash Trash: 1/6/08
Hares: Mouthful of Meat and Super Stuffer
Venue: Glascotts ———> Kelly�s Pub

VIRGINS: Just Allison, Just Rob, Just Marty
VISITORS:
HASHERS: Chicken Stiffer, Uploader, Schinitzel Squeezer, Triple D, Just Rob, Packher Ass, Just Rob II, Calvin Klein, Batteries not Included, Just Jonathon, Milk My Yak, Barks on All Fours, Just I Lean, Its Too Soft, Mount Me Puhl�zee, Just Tom, Just Molly Totally Butch, Mount Schwiiinga, Flying Hooters, Chip-n-dale
VIRGINS= 3
VISTORS=0
TOTAL HASHERS= 26

The trail started from Glascotts�s bar but wouldn�t end there. The Hares made some great decisions by having a beer stop outside as well as the ON-IN be outside in 60 degree weather in the middle of January!! SUPER STUFFER and MOUTHFUL OF MEAT laid a great little trail that wound around the south Lincoln Park area. They even found a ON-IN bar that had free parking next to the bar!! The pack was lead by CHIP-N-DALE most of the day until he had to stop and write tickets for parking offenders. You see on top of his tight running pants he wore what most Chicago meter maids wear when writing their tickets, I guess at least you could see him? JUST I LEAN was being very manly and helping JUST ALLISON find her way around her first hash. JUST ROB II seemed to run the hash in penny loafers and jeans, I thought we already had a HOT PANTS? We were happy to see JUST TOM make it back for the first time since the ANTHRAX hash of 114 people. TOTALLY BUTCH was back from her win in
IOWA maybe we should have named her BARACK OUT WITH YOUR CAUCUS out? The hash made it to the beer stop where JUST ROB II took on JUST MOLLY in the shotgunning contest and totally annihilated her. It was so warm out that JUST JONATHON and JUST I LEAN played Frisbee in OZ park. CALVIN was in dismay that we left the beer stop and still had beer but many wanted to get back for food and warmer clothes?
The ON-IN was at KELLY�s PUB in their back area. We totally surprised our visitors UPLOADER, SCHNITZEL SQUEEZER, and JUST MARTY with all the hash songs we sang. I know I was horse by the end of the night. MOUNT SCHWIIINGA played the part of a comely beer wench this night and I thank her for it. CALVIN ran the circle and soon called for the virgins JUST MARTY, JUST ROB, and JUST ALLISON into the circle for their down-down. CALVIN asked MOUNT ME to demonstrate a down-down but all we got from him was his impersonation of �THAR HE BLOWS� from MOBY DICK? Maybe we need to rename that man. Anyway after the MOUNT ME debacle the virgins sucked back their beers nicely and we continued on for another marathon circle. TRIPLE D was called in for being a reboot while CHIP-N-DALE had no hash gear on? YAK was made to suck down his good beer and BARKS drank for being so beautiful. PACKhER ass drank for flogging behavior on New Years Eve and BATTERIES was giving away old hash
shirts. Eventually the hash came to a close but not before ITS TOO SOFT laid a big one that cleared out the entire bar area and made the fire department show up with gas masks on and hazmat suits at the ready.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

CH3 #1526

Chicago Hash #1526 @ Glascott’s/Kelly’s Pub – Kickoff 2008 Hash

Hare(s): Mouthful of Meat & Super Stuff’her
Venue: Glascott’s @ Webster & Halsted – 2158 N. Halsted
Hash Cash: $6 – still as of now unaffected by either $100/barrel crude oil or Barack Obama’s win in Iowa

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Get your hashing year started off right with our first official Chicago Hash of 2008! There are two very unremarkable NFL wild card playoff games which will also be on TV for your additional enjoyment. Note: despite the bar location, the beer stop will NOT BE AT PARTY CENTRAL.

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit ?
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Fullerton, hoof it two blocks East and two blocks South to Halsted & Webster or hop the Brown Line to Armitage and hoof it two blocks North and two blocks East to H&W. Or take the Halsted #8 bus from anywhere near Halsted to Webster.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to California and take the Fullerton #74 bus East to Halsted, hoof it two blocks South to Webster.

Driving ?
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Halsted & Webster. Park on a side street, Zone 143 permit doesn’t kick in until 6pm or if you’re lucky grab a meter spot on Halsted. Note there’s a lot of non-zone parking just East of Halsted next to Oz Park.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1525

Tale of the Trail – Chicago Hash #1525

Hash Trash: 12/30/07
Hares: Just Jonathon & Just I LEAN
Venue: Atlantic Irish bar

VIRGINS: Just Kym, Just Bill, Just Kevin, Just Josh, Just Erin
VISITORS:
HASHERS: Chicken Stiffer, Mouthful of Meat, Just LOU, Just Tyrone, Or-g, Just Rob, Virgin Banger, Renta Virgin
VIRGINS= 5
VISTORS=0
TOTAL HASHERS= 15

Another typical small hash due to the holidays hopefully the 50-degree weather this weekend will see a larger group of hashers out. JUST I LEAN laid trail for the second time in week with JUST JONATHON. They laid a trail that never made its way more than ½ mile from the bar but it wound around so much that it seemed that we ran over 3-4 miles today

JUST BILL had too much beer before trail and had to take a break behind one of the local trashcans. JUST KYM did claim she was out of shape but she seemed to keep with the pack very nicely. MOUTHFUL OF MEAT and RENTA a VIRGIN kept to the back of the pack and had a nice conversation on trail. They even found a perfect short cut back to the bar. JUST KEVIN was a bottomless beer pit maybe we should charge him double hash cash for drinking all of the beer.

VIRGIN BANGER even rolled out of bed to make it too the hash that was a few blocks from his house. JUST LOU decided to even make an appearance today at the hash. We eventually made it to the beer stop with JUST JOSH leading us in to an old style beer stop and we killed that 30 pack between all of us.

We got back the bar and I ran the circle I put OR-G in between all of the virgins so they we have someone nearby that knew all of hash songs. JUST ROB was punished for being a wimp and not running today but we forgive him NOT!!! Well the hash was fun and OUR hares JUST I LEAN and JUST JONATHON found a really great hash bar. Hope to see you this weekend when we have 50-degree weather.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

CH3 #1525

Chicago Hash #1525 @ The Atlantic: Eve of the Eve Hash

December 30, 2007 8:23 pm / itstoosoft
Hare(s): Just I-Lean & Just Jonathan

Venue: The Atlantic – 5062 N. Lincoln (2-1/2 blocks straight up Lincoln from the Western Brown Line stop)

Hash Cash: $6 – Outsourcing to India and China of noncritical CH3 backoffice operations such as the employee cafeteria, Accounts Payable, IT, Global Supply Chain & Logistics, Customer Service, Audit, Aircraft Fleet Maintenance, and the Help Desk as well as tactically-opportune purchases of subprime mortgage-based SIV’s and the sale of and subsequent lease back of the CH3 Tower in the Loop allow the CH3 to streamline operations and offer hashes at up to 20% less than other area shops. Harlots will continue to be sourced domestically pending the outcome of union negotiations with the UAW as well as fluctuations in the price of Ytterbium.

Somebody please take some pix of this event as the Fujirazzi will be at Lambeau Field watching the Packers whoop all over the Lions and drinking tons of Wisconsin’s finest BEER! Given the way they did against the Bears last week thus losing home field advantage in the playoffs there will probably be fewer starters on the field than an August preseason game against the Dolphins – D’OH!!

These cats say we get $6 pitchers!!!

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit ?
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Belmont, Brown Line to Western, hoof it about t 2-1/2 blocks Northwest up Lincoln to the bar.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Jefferson Park, #81 Lawrence bus (runs every 8-11 mins) East to Lincoln/Western, schlep 2-1/2 blocks Northwest on Lincoln to bar.

Driving ?
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Lawrence and Winnemac (about 2 blks West of Western). Parking is generally okay in this area on Sundays on the side streets, better to west of Lincoln.