Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1747

he Tale of the Trail,
Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein, Oct 2, 2011
…..The hash was scheduled for 2PM, start at 2:30. And there we sat until after 3PM and at least 3:15 before we got started. When I arrived, most were drinking beer and socializing, like hashers come for, around a table. A few were standing and a couple of hot babes, Drill In My Box and Just Do Me Slowly were perched on stools, waiting for some young hunk to approach. They got stuck with Horn-E. But really, we came to run. And damn if the hares didn’t finally make us run. Not the usual 4 miles, but well over 6, I’m sure. We had 18 hounds at the start for this A to B trail. Yeah, like we’d see then on trail. As best as I could figure, we lost Mudsucker, SnatchSquatch, Are They Real, Just William and W Jew 40 very early. They took wrong turns and found the trail On In and just quit and settled into beer on a beautiful day. That left 13 of us running this shitty trail. All right, not that shitty, but some long straights in it.
…..Starting slow, I followed the pack to the north and west. Finally we hit a Check at 33rd. Dr Fudge Packer was seen to the far north and On so Horn-E followed and with a toot of the horn, the pack followed. After a little loop in an alley we came to a Split. Couldn’t find it at first and Chicken Stifer was soon on it, but didn’t blow his whistle. Then Lifa found it and we were off, further north. We followed Chicken Stifer under a trestle and further north to another Split, Trail went back under the tracks and further south. But Horn-E and Dr. Fudge Knuckle paralleled and they were soon on again as the trail looped back at them on 26th. Dr. Fudge Knuckle picked a wrong way on a Split allowing Horn-E to lead us to a Check at Wentworth. He kept going east and was way off course when trail was found to the north. Over the highway was a Split and Horn-E was now so far behind, no one was in sight. They headed west and then north about two blocks away. Meanwhile Horn-E was paralleling the back of the pack as he headed through Chinatown. At 22nd the pack still hadn’t come back towards Wentworth so Horn-E was about to head west when he saw O’Shitty Runch working a Check. He followed just in time to see Ice Princess yelling On to the north and going behind the China Town Mall. As we headed east, our virgin, Just Alex took the lead and took us over to Wentwroth and a Split. Hey, well done. Trail now had to go back south, right? Wrong. We headed further north to 18th and then east. At Dearborn St. was a Check. Horn-E went south and found nothing. Trail went east, but looping over, he met Dr Fudge Knuckle on Indiana at a Split. Horn-E went south and was On this time leading to a Triple Split at 22nd St. Horn-E went south and Dr Fudge Knuckle and Chicken Stifer split the other two. Trail went east and Horn-E went just far enough, across 23rd, to see the trail return to him. Again leading he headed south past another Triple Split and a block later he had nothing. Looking back he saw Virtually Hung who seemed to point west and so he went west. Bye sucker. Nothing and no one on State or in this park. Crossing the expressway he still saw no one and didn’t know where to range over to pick up the trail. Probably, was, east. Anyhow Horn-E kept heading south on a parallel course all the way to 33rd before seeing marks. Heading backwards on trail looking for anyone or a missed beer stop, he finally saw Lifa. So he turned and headed on in as Lifa passed him and left him behind. This was a long straight until the little park just before the starting bar. Trail looped the park and in the southeast corner he saw Lifa running on in and a pack of those that missed trail. A few minutes later the pack started to wander on in. The Dark Kunt, Dr. Fudge Knuckle, Just Kristian, Chicken Stifer and Virtually Hung. But where were the rest. Oooops. We were missing Ice Princess, Drill In My Box, O’Shitty Runch, Just Do Me Slowly, Its Too Soft, Just Luke and our virgin Just Alex. It seems that they met a bunch of people coming back from some football game and were offered a beer. Hashers don’t refuse beer.
…..So the pack was finally complete. Calvin Klein led a circle and right after Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein left and left us with the rest of the beer. And the pack stood in the fading sun and warmth and finished the beer. 10 Dix With Wings and Fistful Of Pricks made an appearance after the hash as our only two House Puppies.
On On

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1746

The Tale of the Trail
Mount Schwiiinga’s hash for Paws. 9/26/2011 by Horn-E
We eventually ran out of Shoes with a pack of 17 Trail Hounds. No, it wasn’t that long, well hardly, and our shoes didn’t wear out. We ran out of Shoe’s Pub. And by eventually, I mean we really started late, and for once I arrived first and early, way before 7. The Chalk Talk marks were on the ground. Knowing Mount Schwiiinga, with getting off of work late, she often has a hard time getting to the hash on time, or finishing laying trail on time. So, I assumed we were to just start at the normal time, assume the marks she placed were it, and get going. It was getting tiring and old sitting around in a bar with out drinking and Lower Wackoff, Manage A Twat and Horn-E finally took off walking. Shortly after, the rest of the pack came out and held a quick chalk talk and followed. And sure enough, Mount Schwiiiinga wasn’t returning to the bar. She was waiting at the beer stop as I thought.
Trail went west to Racine and south to Cortland for a Check. Menage A Twat went south. Horn-E went east and then returned to go north on Clybourn. He finally found a mark and Taste The Rainbow was right behind him. On one, two, three and we were off. At the next corner was a Triple Split. Horn-E got lucky and found this to the west. A block later there was a Split and Horn-E got lucky again heading north. A block later the pack was breathing down Horn-E’s neck and we turned west. Trail was soon found heading south and back to Cortland for another Split. This one had to go west, because Horn-E already scouted out the east after the first Check. Sure enough, we headed across the river and over to Ashland for a Check. We now scattered everywhere before the On call was heard heading north on Ashland. At Armitage was a Split, but it was soon found and we continued north to Webster for another Check. Change of direction? Hah. Straight north on the east side of the street and over the river again. This time we found a Triple Split at Clybourn, at the bottom of the hill. This scattered us a bit, but soon we heard an On call heading north on Clybourn. This had a bunch of hounds off and running and that old man Horn-E got to the red light a little late. Everyone was soon gone. We headed north on Clybourn to Wrightwood and a Split, followed by a Check. Just Chris was running all over the strip mall and finding nothing. Trail was found the opposite direction to the east on Wrightwood. This went to a BN. Forget that. You know what the definition of BN in Chicago is. Beer Not Near. About a mile and a half away. Trail went west to Paulina and then north for over a half mile and a BVN. Which again wasn’t meaning Beer Very Near. Finally we found a turn to the west and at the next corner was a BVVN or something. About two blocks later the leaders finally found beer in the Hare’s back yard. They included Bar Fly, Just Chris, Taste The Rainbow, Just Michael, Little Trojan Annie, Just Luke, W Jew 40, MisManners and Just Jeff. Finally Horn-E arrived. Then about fine minutes later, the back of the pack arrived including Lower Wackoff, SnatchSquatch, R-Tard-E, Hoosier Daddy, Fistful Of Pricks and the DFL, Just William who made the mistake of listening to SnatchSquatch. Menage A Twat fell so far behind, she finally quit around Clybourn and Fullerton. We then had to find trail of about two miles back. Most just ran/walked back hitting on bimbos. But four followed trail all of the way and then dared to brag about it in circle. Got them a down down. And many were given by our two RAs, SnatchSquatch and his little brother, R-Tard-E. Mount Schwiiinga tended bar and had to frequently be called out from behind the bar to do her many down downs. Then we got around to naming Just Jeff. A real good question and answer session as he kept giving us so many good stories. We finally had to eliminate about 14 names and come to a final name. Damn, my favorite Crapper Napper barely got eliminated and he shall forever more be known as String Theory. I’m not getting into why, but think bloody dental floss. The beer flowed through several passings of the hat and I finally left about 1AM.
We also had three House Puppies, Hustle N Flow, Ass 2 Mouth, Wang Chunks.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1744

The Tale of the Trail
A Pussy Chunder Hash 19 Sep 2011 by Horn-E
Pussy Chunder set this hash out of Carol’s for $5/Pitcher night. I counted a case of hounds at the start and we soon took off to the east and a quick Split. Horn-E went right, wrong, and Ass Capades zipped past him like a man on a mission. He apparently was. Meanwhile the trail went straight and Horn-E now was way behind. We worked our way to Lawrence and the last hasher Horn-E saw was Just Luke waving him on east. At the corner no one was in sight and Horn-E went two blocks before returning to find a hidden arrow in an alley and still no one in sight. Heading south, he found a Triple Split at the end. Left, wrong, right, wrong, and he headed straight when he noticed Lifa returning. Huh. He yelled Back Check 22 and he was on 12. WTF. No, let’s make that, ‘What the fuck’. Was Pussy Chunder trying to take the Back Check Hell title from R- Tard-E? So while Lifa ran on counting, Horn-E guessed that it went to that first Split and headed over to Wilson and Dover to see if Ass Capades was on to something. No marks. Then along came O’Shitty Runch and 10 K Tika Ho. Lost also. O’Shitty Runch said he saw a mark near Lawrence and Ashland so we headed that way. Heading north on Ashland we suddenly saw a pack of hounds coming from the east. What we didn’t know was that the Back Check 22 went back to the bar for a Shot Stop and that Ass Capades set an impromptu beer stop across the street in a little park. Anyhow, here was a Check. We already got south checked, and the pack came from the east, so O’Shitty Runch led to the north and Horn-E took off to the west. At the next corner Horn-E was On two, but looking back, the pack was gone. He headed north and was soon On ON and at Lawrence he found O’Shitty Runch and a Three Way Split. Horn-E kept going north and was On. But again looking back, no one was in sight. Finally after picking wrong at a Split, about four or five of us merged and headed north and west, through an alley and to Ravenswood and another Check. Horn-E went north and found no Checks, but a great spot for a Shot Stop. A boutique Distillery. Yeah. Heading back south we found trail around the tracks and back north to a Split at Foster. Just Michael went right and was right. We now were heading north and the Ravenswood Tap is north. A great spot for a Beer Stop. Just Michael ran right past a Check in the shadows and soon called On. Horn-E followed and we came to a Triple Split north of there. ON to the Ravenswood Pub. Not. Soon Lifa and some other hashers were returning from there. The Triple Split led to nothing but Falses. So Horn-E headed south through alleys and back to that last Check. But suddenly, the pack arrived and was calling On through this tunnel. Again, not. Does anyone see that Check in the shadows or are they all just ranging. But Little Trojan Annie was carrying what was left of the first beer stop and Horn-E snagged a can to drink while running. Yeah, it’s hard and goes flat quick so you have to drink it quick. So Horn-E and Just Luke head east and suddenly hear a whistle ahead. Who? Where? We run on east before Horn-E crosses the street and finally finds an arrow and we are On. Chicken Stifer leads our little pack south on Clark to a Check at Foster. He headed for an alley. Horn-E heads south running into Lifa and we find an arrow, but it goes nowhere. Horn-E returns to the Check and heads east with Just William on opposite sides of the street. Just William finally finds an arrow and we soon spot a BN going into a parking lot. Horn-E blows his horn and the pack follows. We go one block south and then east two blocks. We are now at Clark. One more block south and then back west to the beer stop in a back yard.
…..Where did all of these people come from. Several faces we didn’t see on trail even when we thought we were in front. And two were still missing. Finally Just Jeff and 10 K Tika Ho arrived about ten minutes later.
…..After the beer we had a long walk back to the bar. Beer started to flow and a circle was called and many drank, especially that damn hare. Donut Holer was called out for being a visitor and the FRB. We also had a Virgin, Just Hattie. She laughed a lot at the songs and enjoyed the run, so hopefully she will return.
We also had these Trail Hounds. R-Tard-E, SnatchSquatch, Poultry Fucker, The Dark Kunt, Just Kristin, That Thing That Vibrates, Hoosier Daddy, Back Door County, Just Liz, Just Tim, and The 69 Cent Man. And we had two House Puppies, Its Too Soft and Cum In My Ass Fault.
On On

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1728

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 27 June 2011 by Horn-E
…..This hash was set by the dynamic duo of Magnetic Muff and Just Do Me Slowly out of the Montrose Saloon. A great little hash bar with a beer garden and a gas grill for grillables after the hash. And the hares provided some hot dogs.
…..Speaking of hot dogs, our former Governor was convicted on 17 of 20 counts on this very day and lived a block from the bar. Change of hash plans as our hares took that into account in their plans and rerouted their course. Nasty bastards that they are.
…..We circled up for the simple instructions and had 17 trail hounds ready to go. Pool Job returned from a mile warm up run and we were off. Trail went straight north past the assembled vultures, I mean reporters, around the ex-govs house. We ran by yelling On On and blowing whistles and horns. And despite that, some idiot bimbo reporter almost got run over because she wasn’t looking where she was going. I love idiots. They are fun to watch. But we didn’t linger and ran on to the north and eventually on a fairly north course headed across the El tracks and across Lawrence and into a strip park along the river. Somehow a bunch of FRBs were suddenly behind me yelling, “Are you On”. I must have missed a Check or a Split. Well someone was because they were Checking again at Argyle. Now here the park keeps going north and one who knows the area might think that the hares would keep us in the park and swing north and west and over to the hares house for a beer stop. They fucked us good here. The Dark Kunt, Horn-E and the visitor Double Fister were already heading north along the river path when the On call was made to the east, across the bridge and back south. Damn hares. Well done. We headed south through more park as the pack left Horn-E behind. He reached the point where the only one in sight was Magnetic Muff, sweeping. We again crossed Lawrence and headed east in the first alley. At the end we headed south on Rockwell, across the tracks and east for a block. We then headed south again where the sweep left a SC arrow for short cut. And several more along the way until the main trail came back to the short cut trail. Horn-E and Beer Spill Valdez needed that. Yeah, he was out there, somewhere behind Horn-E, but still valiantly struggling along with the after effects of that whopper. And no, I’m not referring to some bimbo. But the trail went on, through an Aldi parking lot and down the alley and over to Western. Still no one in sight. Damn. Then Horn-E heard whistles. There was another Check at Western and Berteau and apparently the whole pack followed Pool Job across Western. But there were no marks that way. Then, just before Horn-E got to the Check, about ten of the pack came from the west on another False and headed on trail to the south. That’s what Checks are for. Worked fine. Nailed the bastards. After a block we headed west and hashers were coming out of an alley with Too Much Head getting there just before Horn-E. We headed further west in an alley and then south to Irving Park. There is a big park across the street and trail went around the ball fields. Taste The Rainbow took off following trail. In the distance we could see the loop and The Dark Kunt and Horn-E took a short cut where the trail would have to exit the park. We also saw Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off and her virgin friend Just Marci in the distance doing the loop. They saw others on the other side of the fence so they led a bunch of bimbos over the fence. Well, Taste The Rainbow went over the fence like a rainbow over the Hancock building. But Just Marci drew blood. Well done on your first hash.
…..A few hundred feet later we were at the beer stop, in a parking lot behind a factory. Beer Spill Valdez finally made it in. The only missing hound was Chicken Stifer who apparently was off ranging again and lost trail. After the last of the beer, we walked on back to the bar where the missing Chicken Stifer was in front of a TV with the lone House Puppy, Its Too Soft.
…..Beer started to flow and Too Much Head acted as bar maid. Good. Now that she’s married, she needs to start serving us. Oh, yeah. She and our FRB of the day, Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey recently got married. Congrats. We did call out Beer Spill Valdez as DFL. Poultry Fucker was FBI. Double Fister was our visitor, but not for long. He is moving to Chicago by the end of summer. And there were to virgins, Just Marci and Just Angel. She drew blood on trail and he did a good job of staying near the front and not getting lost. Well done and welcome.
…..After circle we got the grill going and enjoyed hot dogs and plenty of beer until the $$$$$ ran out. About 11 and we were heading for the door. Good time. Others on trail, to far ahead of me to see what they did, included, O’Shitty Runch, Dark Side Of The Poon and Just William.
On On

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1726

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago 20 Jun 2011, by Horn-E
We hashed out of Moe’s and we had two hares, 69 Cent Man and Menage A Twat. What could go wrong. We had I believe 30 Trail Hounds for this fast paced run. Normally a twisting, turning 69 Cent Man would lead to many opportunities to catch up to the trail but this pack was really moving. We headed south and then around in the alley and back north on Central Park. The leaders were running through a big empty lot and to a Check on Milwaukee. I saw some hounds heading south and through another empty lot and soon there was an On call. We followed and did a quick loop that put me almost DFL. But the next loop had me in front for about ten feet heading down an alley to the west. From here on, the pack quickly left me behind as almost everyone but the walkers passed me by as we ended up on Diversey heading east. The 69 Cent Man tried to tell me to go east on the north side of the street, but I run to the sight of the lead hounds and they were a block away and heading south. After waiting for traffic lights at Milwaukee, the pack was now out of sight so I headed south on Milwaukee to intercept. I saw the last hasher, name unknown, following in an alley. Then he backed out and said they went west. So we headed west and back across Milwaukee. He headed north in an alley and that was way off. I headed southwest and then south for a long block and then back east finally finding a trail. Okay. No ground really lost. This led to a unmarked Check at Logan Square. Where’s the sweep? I was On right away and again found myself running south on Milwaukee. Trail went through a large parking lot and a bunch of locals said they went that a way and very fast. Well, I’m old and not. This eventually led me over to Fullerton and another unmarked Check. I got sort of lucky, but missed a turn and finally got back on trail west on Fullerton. Again. I came to another unmarked Check. finally I saw Tell It To My Nipples and two virgins. They were returning from the west and found no marks. So we went north and at the alley was a Triple Split. And so I ran a lot finding nothing and returned and those three were gone. This time I headed south and found marks. And at the third mark, someone had marked it as a true trail. I know it is the true trail. It is the third mark. We need these marks at the Check. But I digress. Running on I finally found some marked Splits and finally a Beer Near. This led down an alley and through a parking lot to an arrow pointing across the street. There was the 69 Cent Man waving me into an empty lot. Now, this was the beer stop, but no one was there. Couldn’t be. I’m way behind. But I thought it was just something to run through and going around looked easier. Here I encountered Ass Capades coming my way. He said they ran on to the On In and no beer stop, so they were back tracking. We returned to that empty lot and that was indeed the beer stop. The hare just wasn’t there when the pack ran by. I did say, “What could go wrong.” Now we know. About a dozen hounds eventually made it back there. So, after a beer we walked up Central Park and the 69 Cent Man drove back to the bar and got most of the pack to go to an impromptu beer stop in that first empty lot we ran through.
From here we walked back to the bar and finally got the circle going and the beer flowing. SnatchSquatch led the circle and besides the hares getting many, Pool Job got a bunch for countless accusations. The visitor was called out, Ass Ripper from Ann arbor. And a bunch of virgins were called out. I hope I got this right. First was Just Marsha, the mom of Two Girls And One Cupcake who managed to walk some of the course. Thanks for showing. Others included, Just Rob, Just Austin, Just Will, Just William and Just Maureen. Welcome to all and come back. We then drank on with all leaving before midnight.
Who else was on trail. To the best of my knowledge, we had The Dark Kunt, Or G, Crop Duster, Two Girls One Cupcake, Tampon Tampoff, Just Nancy, Darkside Of The Poon, Taste The Rainbow, R-Tard-E, Licker Leash, O’Shitty Runch, Back Door County, Sandy Syphilis, Just Dusty, Just Rob, Just Kelly, Just Miguel and Just Paul. We also had four house puppies, Wang Chunks, Way To Much Jism, EZ On The Ass and Its Too Soft.
On On

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1725

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 13 Jun 2011 by Horn-E
…..The hare was Fistful Of Pricks and we ran out of Bob Inn. We had 24 Trail Hounds at the start and enough House Puppies at the finish to out number some of the hashes this last winter. We took off to the west after a quick chalk talk and unfortunately we had some chalk on trail. That damn colored stuff that you can miss while standing right on it. We also had tiny little dollops of flour that looked like nipples, when you could find them. We quickly ran through several Splits and had a Check just before Milwaukee. This led west and under the tracks before heading up Milwaukee. The FRBs hit Logan Square and a Split. About a hundred feet straight, they found another dollop of flour. Ooops. The hare missed on this one. Actually, this was not supposed to be a mark after the Split, but a mark off of the Check we didn’t find yet. The other direction of the previous Split led right up to the monument at Logan Square. As us back enders slowly arrived on the scene, the pack had finally figured out that there was a Check at the monument and they were mostly scattered in a westerly direction. Licker Leash was back tracking from the monument as we arrived and we jointly figured out that this was actually the way to the Check. So Licker Leash and Horn-E went to explore that dollop of flour previously mentioned. And what do you know. This was the trail out of the Check. Licker Leash found a second dollop and then an arrow. A little confusing since this arrow was pointing north and not turning from the trail he was following. By the time Horn-E got there, he was long gone and a block north. Horn-E followed and found another dollop and blew the horn for the pack back at the monument. Running north he came up to a Triple Split at Diversey and Licker Leash was already three blocks east. ON. He called On to Chicken Stifer across the street and he ran east. And now the FRBs in rapidly passed Horn-E and even the mid pack runners passed him. Several blocks later we had another Split and the pack went north, yelling On. Chicken Stifer kept going straight and I didn’t see him again until the beer stop. Meanwhile we ran north and under the highway and then east, and east, and east. Finally, just before the river we headed north to Belmont and over the river. I could see the last runner ahead of me wearing a red shirt. Who was that? Finally, following trail, I spotted Licker Leash in an alley looking for a port a let and crawling through a fence to get at one. Oooops. So we finally ran on together, under western and on south on Clybourn. We had one Check to solve ourselves and Horn-E finally found that. Then we headed further south on Clybourn until we went around the abandoned projects. This led past the hare house and the presumed beer stop. Not. That had to mean Sin Calzones house on Logan Blvd. Right. We did run into 10 Diks With Wings and W Jew 40 on the way and Licker Leash ran off while the three of us followed trail over to Logan and another long straight to the beer stop. Where we last? I knew a lot didn’t pass me after we found that Check at Logan, so were they behind. Of course some just short cut to the beer stop, because they were there and didn’t pass me. Short Cutting Bastards. Much later four more arrived with Corn Star leading them and Poultry Fucker pulling up the rear and officially DFL.
…..Good beer was served and we all hung around telling tall tales. Finally the beer was gone and we mostly walked back except for Dickens Cider and a visitor, Saigon Sally who ran on in.
…..Only canned beer sold here and 16s of PBR were soon flowing. Two Girls One Cupcake wasn’t the hare, but walked around like a bunny all night with trays of beer. And Beer Spill Valdez started circle and eventually did a down down from that tray of spilled beer. The hare got many for her trail and marks. The FRB was Dark Side Of The Poon and the FBI was Dickens Cider. We had a virgin, Just Ryan who did a fine job downing his beer. Sandy Syphilis did a poor job of demonstrating how to do a down down by not finishing her beer and not inverting it over her head. But we had another demo hound and Chunder Pussy did it right. We also had our visitor, Saigon Sally to give a down down and he sang a short song. Then we invited the new transplant, Barffly to Chicago. Hope she comes back and tries all of the hashes in town. 5 Hole Failure got called out for wearing long socks on a warm night. Yeah, but she also had the shortest shorts. Yeeeaaah. And Just Annie was back for the second week in a row. Yeeeaaah.
…..So, who else was on trail. SnatchSquatch, Uploader, O’Shitty Runch, Ass Capades, The Dark Kunt and Just Julie.
…..And the long list of House Puppies were Wang Chunks, Salty Gash, Sin Calzones, Crop Duster, Just Nancy, Soul Taco, Its Too Soft, Ice Princess, EZ On The Ass, Dump Me Hump Me, and Way To Much Jism. Lets get something straight so some hashers will quit complaining about being called a House Puppy when they were working. We all know that some can’t make it because they are working or injured or some other reason. One of the original founders used to quite fittingly called them posers and I used that expression for years. But I came up with this expression recently. Not so much as a put down, but to establish the difference between those that actually hashed, the Trail Hounds and those that stayed “in house”. And if you can’t take a joke, how do you hash or get through circles. You are all welcome to join us whenever you can make it. We hope you will actually hash, because that is what we are about. But come and have fun whenever you can and for whatever level you can muster. We’re all friends.
On On

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1724

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 6 Jun 2011 by Horn-E
The bar was picked by Lifa, The Piano Man. They are normally closed on Mon. Lifa called the owner and set it up to be open for us with $5 pitchers. So far, so good. But somewhere between what Lifa thought we were getting and what the bartender delivered, there was a loss of communication. Shit happens. She opened about 2PM or there about and her shift ended by 8:30 or there about. When the visitor Pied Piper arrived, he talked to her and told her what we were doing. She asked when we would be back. About 9PM. She told him she would be closed. This was relayed to our GM, SnatchSquatch, but he believed we were covered. We weren’t. We learned at the beer stop that the bar was closed already. What? Panic. A phone call was made and Its Too Soft opened his rooftop deck to the hash for the On In, over a mile away. Thanks.
But, lets not get ahead of ourselves. I counted 29 trail hounds at the start that included five virgin hounds. Lifa road up on a bike, just as we were about to start. Trail headed north for a block and then through an alley as we worked our way over to Irving Park and our first Check. O’Shitty Runch was soon On to the west and we quickly started heading south and further west through local streets and alleys and staying relatively close together with the left, right course slowly heading into a big loop. We did have a big re-group at Lincoln and Melrose at a Check giving me a chance to catch up and actually start checking. Naturally I was in the wrong direction when trail was found in an alley heading west. That was the last I saw of Pied Piper who never made the beer stop. I saw the pack already coming south to Melrose and headed straight west on Melrose and under the tracks where the pack headed south. Two blocks later, we looped back to the east and I was able to give SnatchSquatch a little, all right, very little, short cut. Again we regrouped at Belmont and Paulina. And just as I arrived, hashers started heading south, but no one was really calling On. So Horn-E headed into a parking lot and worked his way south looking for marks. None. But now the pack was finally calling On heading south and Horn-E emerged through a school yard at Barry where Just Adriana was running by. We headed east to Ashland and caught a light and regrouped. Headed further east and north through some alleys. Horn-E was following, it seemed like all day, Mouthful Of Meat and The Dark Kunt when they avoided the alley. Finally catching and passing them he headed north in an alley with Magnetic Muff trying to keep the fading pack in sight. We headed east on Melrose and finally regrouped again at Halsted. Trail went through a parking lot, at least the short cut did and down an alley where we finally came to Broadway. This is where I finally figured out that we were going to the park for a beer stop. and there was those same two bimbos, tied at the hip, The Dark Kunt and Mouthful Of Meat, again ahead of me and walking with SnatchSquatch. Horn-E just ran right on by, smelling that beer. And at Sheridan, we headed right through the tunnel to a beer stop at the playground. And in that heat, we needed that.
But not everyone made it there and some found the bar and it being closed. Like I said earlier, the cell phones were blazing. Cell phones are to hashing like paint by numbers is to art. While straightening out this mess, somewhat, and getting a nice On In venue, if we didn’t have them and returned to find the bar closed, we’d have just gone to another bar. Hashers make it work. Cell phones just take away some of the spontaneity of hashing and fuck ups. Somehow, it loses something. According to Pied Piper, he managed to talk the bartender into letting him in for a quick one. But she had closed the bank and was closed. A bunch of us headed off to Its Too Soft’s roof top. Horn-E and Just Tim, a virgin from Hammond headed off on a short cut heading for Binny’s for beer, while the rest of the back headed south in the park.
Some went back to the bar to get cars and bags. Pied Piper told me he went by Chicken Stifer at his shag wagon and he wouldn’t tell him where we were going. Huh. But he got the address and actually ran into Horn-E and Just Tim walking down the street and we directed him. When we got to the roof, we were first with beer and about ten thirsty hounds were waiting. Soon more beer arrived and all was now good. Beer Spill Valdez led us in a circle and called in the hare, again and again. Its Too Soft was called in. But really, he deserves thanks for providing a last second back up. Thanks. Horn-E asked everyone to help clean up, because this wasn’t his party and shouldn’t be his job. Pool Job did a good job of helping Horn-E and Horn-E carried six beer containers down to the trash filled with empties. The Virgins were called out and included Just Tim, Just Annie, Just Davis, Just Carolyn and Just Curt. For some reason they also called Just Adriana out. She lost her virginity at the Moon Hash on Sat. But she was new to these hounds. Unfortunately, Just Tim had to leave right away to catch a train and we can only hope he will return. Not all trails get screwed us and he should get more beer time next time. And to all of the virgins, please return often and try some of the other hashes in town also. And Mouthful Of Meat is leaving Chicago for Portland. We wish her well.
Who else made it on trail, Fistful Of Pricks, R-Tard-E, Darkside Of The Poon, Licker Leash, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Cum In My Ass Fault, Taste The Rainbow, Four Finger Discount, Are They Real, Ass Capades, Just Nancy, Crop Duster and Or G. Besides Its Too Soft who opened his house, we had one other House Puppy, Tampon Tampoff.
On On

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1723

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 29 May, 2011, by Horn-E
Well, it was big. It was the annual Virgin Banger, Rent A Virgin Memorial Day Hash. And as usual, they did a good job of putting it together. They had co-hares in Smell This, Calvin Klein and Lifa. They had 73 hounds signed up in advance. There were many last minute attendees and several didn’t show, probably because of the rain. Probably about 80 hounds, most ready to run. But shit happened. Rain. A downpour right about 1PM, the announced start time. Oh, hell. I got there just before the start and barely got ready in running gear in time to stow my bag in the shag wagon.
It was still raining. We formed a circle and the usual marks were shown, especially for the visitors and virgins. It was still raining. Suddenly, Calvin Klein took off yelling follow me and throwing flour. Well, he doesn’t really run anymore and was passed before the corner. They should have given a bag of flour to Lifa and a ten minute head start. At least we would have had a trail. Instead we ended up following Smell This over to Hamilton and north to Winnemac Stadium. It was still raining. Without a trail, it isn’t a hash, just a run in the rain. But we did manage to get into Winnemac Stadium and Smell This led us around the track. Hashers were already trying out Slip N Slide. At the far end, Smell This halted the pack and started Slip N Slide. Many tried and some actually did a good job. Finally a mark was set as the farthest slide. Glory Hole passed it. Then our GM, SnatchSquatch took a turn. He hit that puddle like a battleship and just kept going from massive momentum. Or was it his massive reach as he set a new standard. Hoosier Daddy tried and set a record for futility, but he got wet. We were all wet. Wizard Sleeves also tried, but like all the bimbos, their tits slowed them down like a massive anchor. Nice anchors however. Finally it ended and we were off following Smell This again like the Pied Piper.
It was still raining. Next destination was the garage behind the home of Virgin Banger and Rent A Virgin. Eighty hashers jammed in and there was a keg. Good. It was still raining. And there we were stuck until almost 5PM. The On IN wasn’t open until then. And it finally stopped raining. The second keg was dragged out of the shag wagon. This was to be used at the second Beer Stop, but since we weren’t running anymore, and their was no trail, we brought it into the garage and bellies and bladders were soon filled to overflowing. And Tippy Cup was going strong.
Finally we headed over to the Dank House. Before we even changed clothes, a circle started on the roof. This went On and On. Finally I went inside and found food was already being served. Good meat on buns, macaroni, and cold slaw. After eating I went back for seconds. Meat was gone again. But the macaroni was good and so was the cake.
Then a circle started again on the roof. This time we managed to call out Just Reed for a naming. Something about intestinal issues in Italy, or was it Papa Luigi’s. Shitaly was suggested, but he ended up being called The Shitallion Stallion. Good name.
Several of us wandered into the entrance way to the hall and started singing when suddenly we were being thrown out. Time was up just as we were really starting to have some fun on our own. All to soon.
On On

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1722

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 23 May 2011, by Horn-E
This was Specklebirds 40th birthday and he doesn’t look a day over 39. And he had a pack of 28 hounds. There was a co-hare in Just Do Me Slowly and they ran out of Independence Tap. Was there a nice crowd for this day? No. They were hashers ready for some real shit. After a quick chalk talk, we were off heading east behind Horn-E on Irving Park. That lasted about a hundred feet as Glory Hole streaked past him and led us across the street and into Independence Park for our first Check. After a bit of confusion, I heard Rhotan confirm the trail went southwest and I followed as the pack streaked south on Hamlin and then further east to another Check at Waveland and Central Park. The pack was already heading south to Addison before I got there and I followed Hoosier Daddy through the narrow passage and then west along Addison and over the expressway. The first street was Avondale, running northwest. And here the mystery of the trail disappeared. It went straight NW on Avondale for six blocks with five Splits, all going straight and one Check, also going straight. By now the pack was almost completely strung out with the FRBs way ahead and Horn-E was trying to stay ahead of The International Virgin, Salty Gash and Hoosier Daddy, while keeping Just Miguel and the virgin Just Frank in sight about a block ahead. We finally headed south a block after Pulaski and a T and E Split. The difference was only in climbing a fence and reuniting a block later. Horn-E opted for the Eagle and almost ended up a stuck turkey as he climbed the fence and the pipe he grabbed gave away. Well, you always need some blood on trail to make it an official trail. We were now heading west on Grace, and by the grace of God, I stuck with Grace. Actually, several blocks ahead I saw some of the pack heading south into an alley. And then I saw some of the pack return to Grace several blocks later. I’ll stay in the state of grace, or on the street of Grace, or whatever. I saw Taste The Rainbow coming out of an alley and I directed him to those runners in grace, or on Grace. And at the end of Grace, there were no marks and no hashers. See, staying with grace does you no good, so go ye forth and sin forever more. We were actually unknowingly paralleling all this time and going south I saw some hashers actually on trail and heading up a hill and across some tracks. As I crossed these ‘live’ tracks I could see a train coming and these hashers heading west towards the abandoned tracks a block away. And Specklebird lives just over those tracks. Hmmm. Beer Stop. So Horn-E ran On. Meanwhile Salty Gash and The International Virgin blindly followed, yakking away and not seeing the on coming train. Fortunately it was slowing for the station and missed them by fifty feet with whistle blowing and just sparing us International Virgin blood and bloody Salty Gash all over the tracks. Is this how these train hitting commuters happen all the time. Meanwhile Horn-E was finally crossing the abandoned tracks to the Specklebird house with Way To Much Jism, finally running again, and Rhotan.
Heading into the backyard or the Specklebird house we found good beer and Squeeze These and about ten hashers. It was about a beer later when the final hashers finally arrived and by now, the skeeters were out in force. So I headed out and found myself walking back with Lower Wackoff. About three raced ahead and the rest followed on the long march back to the bar. There we found the MIAs Glory Hole and O’Shitty Runch on their second pitcher having blown through the trail and just ran On IN.
Bowls of Pop Corn came out thanks to the bartender’s soar balls, or was it the bartender, Soar Balls. Beer was soon flowing and Beer Spill Valdez started the circle. Many down downs were given to the deserving hares. And many others including a new transplant, I think his name is Ellie May Slappit, and several virgins, Just Meghen, and Just Frank.
Other trail hounds included Are There Real, Crop Duster, Just Pam, Just Sabrina, Pool Job, Lifa, Chicken Stifer, SnatchSquatch, W Jew 40 showing off his new Happy Coat with his name stitched on it, Just Steve, Dark Side Of The Poon, The Dark Kunt, and Ass Capades. We also had two house puppies, Its Too Soft and Slippery Box. And we drank on after midnight.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1721

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash Mon, May 16, 2011 by Horn-E

Where did all of the hounds come from. It was cold out. All right, we had two beautiful Harriets laying trail, Corn Star and Back Door County. But like typical bimbos, they laid the trail backwards and there was only one trail outof all Checks. No Falses. We ran out of Ravens and according to my list, that was 29 Trail Hounds.
We took off heading straight for Lincoln Park for a quick run to the Gazebo and a Check. I was a block behind when that trail was found heading straight west. This lead across Clark and into alleys, then southwest to Orchard and Lincoln for another Check. Again, I was just in sight of the pack when trail was found. Not running well, I found myself running west with Taste My Rainbow. All right, lets get this straight. We have a Taste The Rainbow. This was a bimbo from Tampa. So we headed south on Halsted and into Oz Park where we saw the pack again at Armitage, just when a Check was found, heading east. We followed and found a mark into an alley by the fire station, but nothing more. We did see the pack head south on Larabee so we headed over there and headed south until we found a mark at Wisconsin. Now the marks and Checks were no longer marked as the sweep headed over to the beer stop, leaving us on our own. We found a Triple Split and Horn-E had Taste My Rainbow head south and he went east. Trail went south a block and Horn-E paralleled. But after a block he found nothing. Taste My Rainbow started to come his way so he looked around and suddenly Horn-E saw O’Shitty Runch heading south a few blocks to the east. So we were On and headed east and then south. Here he saw the ranging Lifa heading back to trail and again we headed south to North. Huh. Anyway, to the east we caught a glimpse of the pack and headed east to Wells and north to a Check. We split up a bit and finally found trail heading into Lincoln Park at La Salle. A short time later we found the pack drinking beer at the lagoon. All right, a short story, but I fell behind and hardly saw anyone the whole way.
Back Door County did have Jello Shots along with plenty of beer. Then a park patrol came by and Tell It To My Nipples quickly poured out a whole beer. Waste. He needs to learn how to hide it better. But shortly after we headed out of the park and took a long walk back to the bar. And then we waited and waited as the Hash Cash, SnatchSquatch took his sweet time finishing his beer before walking back.
But we managed to finally get started and Beer Spill Valdez and Calvin Klein tag teamed as RA in a lively circle, chaotic, but still organized. Even Rhotan couldn’t disrupt it much. Licker Leash was the FRB. We did have several visitors, Spread Cheeks, Fuckerup and Taste My Rainbow, all from Tampa and Donut Hole from Near Houston and Occupied from Hawaii. We also had one virgin Just Jeremy. Welcome and come on back. The hares were called back often and Horn-E was called out by Soul Taco for leaving behind a ghetto condom. Now where it was left behind is our secret, but it did look like that missing cold wet sock from the last Big Dog Hash trail. The circle was so enthusiastic the locals wanted in and were learning how to put their drinks on their heads to get recognized. Finally two very intrigued locals were called into the circle, Just Kacey and Just Eddy. And she really did almost a full pint, and then about half of one. Now if they were only runners.
After circle, the pack got into playing a giant Jenga game with two by fours. It was going fine until O’Shitty Runch finally knocked it over trying to stack it ever higher.
Who were the rest of the Trail Hounds? Get ready for a long list. Pool Job, Tampon Tampoff, Magnetic Muff, Two Girls One Cupcake, Chicken Stifer, Poultry Fucker, Mouthful Of Meat, Dickens Cider, The Dark Kunt, Crop Duster, Mount Schwiiinga, Dark Side Of The Poon and Just Kate.
We also had five House Puppies with Wang Chunks, Its Too Soft, Ice Princess, Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein.