Chicago Hash House Harriers

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, ROTFL

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Trypoon

Hashed 12 May 2008 , 7:30 PM
The Beaumont at 2020 N. Halsted

CHICAGO #1544 – Temperatures in and around the “Green Zone” plummeted to all time lows as the Chicago Hash Team prepared to start their regular summer season after last week’s exhibition hash at the Red Apple. After watching from the sidelines during the winter hashes, BAG SQUEEZER set out to lay his first trail with veteran CHICKEN STIFFER backing him up.

The team is looking good this year after recent acquisitions in the free agent market, picking up MORE TAIL in a last minute trade with Boston HHH. This will give more depth to the bench especially with NO PENETRATION still out after his injury during the off-season from riding motorcycles through flaming hoops..

After the chalk talk was completed, strategerie (it’s a real word, even if spellchecker disagrees) was discussed, and introductions made; the pack was off towards the glitzy shops on Armitage. Recently named HOOSIER DADDY (the hasher formerly known as JUST ROB) and THE ENEMA CANAL quickly took the lead and followed the trail down some alleyways.

As always for the FRBs, it wasn’t too long until they started running into Splits and Checks and falling further and further back due to poor decision making skills (intelligence is not a pre-requisite for hashing). THE PORCELAIN GOD (formerly JUST BRIAN) and JUST I LEAN started to move into the lead, especially when ENEMA followed JUST TIM down some extremely long and extremely wrong shortcuts (apparently common sense is not a pre-requisite either).

WRAPPER SNATCHER obviously felt that the rest of the pack was screwing up as she started issuing orders to the pack.

[NOTE: Read the next line in a high pitched voice.]

“I can’t run the check, I’ll die. You go check it,” (add laughter, the giggling kind) she ordered sending ENEMA down a false trail..

[NOTE, NOTE: Okay that was very good, but you didn’t have to read it out loud. I mean just look around, people are staring, aren’t they? Now would be a good time for an awkward laugh.]

No one was immune to her demands and I’m sure she sent SIR POOPS A LOT and JUST STEVE on similar geese chases. We’re lucky we didn’t have to carry her to the Beer Stop at Oz Park.

At the Beer Stop the fatigue started to affect everyone. Remarkably, it seemed as if MOUTHFUL OF MEAT, CUMS ON I LEAN, and SALTY GASH weren’t winded the slightest bit. Along with them was CHICKEN STIFFER who had gone through a lot of trouble to transfer Summer Moon to MGD Light cans and then painstakingly reweld the mouths shut. JUST JODY showed up a few minutes later after running with another running-influenced group(Et tu, JODY?) It wasn’t long until the cold got to everyone with CUMA SLUTRA giving head to THE ENEMA CANAL without him ever asking (which is also a pre-requisite…No?…Honestly it is, I believe it is in Article 69 of the By-Laws for Greater Chicago Hashing…Look it up).

[NOTE X 3: As of this posting there is no Article 69 of the By-Laws for Greater Chicago Hashing because the paper that was supposed to be used to print it out was accidently used to make POP registration forms and origami cranes.]

At the On-In we were greeted by TOO MUCH HEAD (not possible but still great to be greeted with) and MT. SCHWIIINGA . Prior to starting the circle, BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED attempted to get CHICKEN to delay because CALVIN KLEIN was cuming. Rather than wait, we proceeded with CHICKEN Co-RAing with EZ ON THE ASS which lasted all of about 15 minutes. It wasn’t long until CHICKEN called JUST I LEAN and THE ENEMA CANAL in the circle for being the FRBs, only to screw up “They’re the Racists” and then forget to make the FRBs drink for their original offense. It was at this point CALVIN showed up.

So let’s try this again. CUMA SLUTRA was called for feeding a parking meter with a sticker displaying “MON-SAT; 9AM-6PM.” WRAPPER SNATCHER was called into the circle for using a vessel smaller than a shot glass and was required to finish off the remnants of a pitcher. WRAPPER SNATCHER and ENEMA also received their Swiss Army CH3 10th Run Combination Whistle/Can Opener/Lanyard.

Okay this is where things get a little fuzzy. Apparently at some point during all of this craziness and debauchery the bar ran out of LaBatts (No!) and forced us to drink $5 pitchers of Harp and Blue Moon (Oh…Darn). This was the most likely reason for the strange display from ENEMA who broke down in a fit of laughter during the Scooby version of “Swing Low.” Obviously, CALVIN had no choice but to temporarily close the circle while the kennel decided on the names for JUST ROB, JUST STEVE and JUST BRIAN. JUST STEVE keeps his amateur status for now but we now have HOOSIER DADDY and THE PORCELAIN GOD.

HARES (2) – Bag Squeezer and Chicken Stiffer

FRBs/FBIs (3) – Just I Lean, The Enema Canal , and Cuma Slutra

DFL (1) – Just Jody

PERMANENT VISITOR (1) – More Tail from Boston HHH

NAMED (2) – Just Brian is The Porcelain God; Just Rob is Hoosier Daddy

THE PACK (8) – Just Tim, R-Tard-E, Wrapper Snatcher, Sir Poops A Lot, Just Steve, Salty Gash, Mouthful of Meat, Cums On I Lean

LATE ONES (9) – Just Allison, Super Stuf’her, No Penetration, It’s Too Soft, Too Much Head, EZ On The Ass, Mt. Schwiiinga , Batteries Not Included, and Calvin Klein

Buffet Does Not Trump Ceremony

By The Enema Canal
Horny Planet

Hashed Cinco de Mayo 2008, 7:00 PM
Czerwone Jabluszko (Red Apple) at 3121 N. Milwaukee Ave.

CHICAGO #1543 – Despite the actual date of the Polish Constitution Day being 2 days earlier, Polonian pride was still overflowing and ready for a little run. Virgin Banger and our well mustachioed 69-Cent Man were responsible for laying the scenic trails throughout. Due to the nature of the establishment that we were to have the On-In in, it was decided that we would all stand in front of the Red Apple like the remnants of a poorly planned Polish pride parade. As evidence of the poor planning 3 X A Lady and Just Amanda showed up in red but non-Polish attire and I Like Dick forgot that China is not even on the same continent as Poland. This contrasted with Chicken Stiffer who wore the Polish flag like a cape and Just Brian with his “Kiss Me, I’m Polish” shirt.

After a brief, actually let’s make that long since we had to go through over 30 names, introduction we finally got on our way heading Northwest (or was it Southeast?) Regardless, the usual cast of FRBs, Uploader and The Great Lochness Cockster, were leading around the pack with a gaggle of hopelessly confused virgins; Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert. Once we wandered away from Milwaukee and started running through some of the more residential areas, Uploader and The Enema Canal started to figure out the hares’ tricks and started running on opposite sides of the streets to catch the Back Checks early.

All was well until we came upon a check that got the pack lost for a good while. At first the pack decided to go left and was unable to find a third mark, then they did a 180 and went down the other way to find 2 marks. On the way back we picked up Bloody Thighs and found the true trail which lead us just around a couple of corner to the Beer Stop. Gathered on the front porch we all helped finish the cans of Okocim and pose for the Polish version of It’s Too Soft with his digital Fujifilm disposable camera (can’t wait for the pictures). Before leaving we were told of another photo op just down the trail. About this time we finally picked up R-Tard-E, Cums On I Lean, and Just I Lean who happened to just show up.
Our next photo op took us near the house filmed in “Stir of Echoes” starring Kevin Bacon. This of course now means we are now 2 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon (If we were in the movie we would be moved up to 1 degree of separation). It also means we are famous (if you don’t believe me, then why are we in the Redeye, hmmmm?) However, we have no photographic proof that any of us passed by the house, what we do have is a picture in front of the doors of the Saint Hyacinth Basilica (4 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon). With the Fujifilm disposable reaching its memory card capacity, we all headed back to the Red Apple to kill the keg.

Inside the Red Apple, Just Tim and I Like Dick lost their minds and decided that they were too hungry to wait for the circle. As Dick said “I just thought with the buffett…….blah blah blah.” Get in the circle. Just Steve showed up a bit later because he was helped by his physical training program which means he’s cheating on us. A little later he was followed by EZ On The Ass who showed up for the wrong holiday who was wearing a sombrero and a fake mustache. I mention again that everyone’s facial hair paled in comparison to 69-Cent Man’s mustache, who will likely win at the 2009 World Beard and Moustache Championships in Alaska. We also welcomed many virgins but the most memorable one was none other than Just Allison who answered Calvin’s question of “favorite barnyard animal?” was none other than “To eat or to ride?” Before the evening was over, It’s Too Soft showed up to help kill the keg by 10PM.

HARES (2): 69-Cent Man & Virgin Banger

VIRGIN TERRITORY (5): Just Allison, Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert

VISITOR (1): More Tail Boston H3

THE USUAL SUSPECTS (33): Just Brian, Just Rob, Uploader, 3 X A Lady , The Enema Canal, Puke Suit Riot, Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Joan, Just Mark , Just Angelle, Two Tickets To A Pair Of Thighs, 867-5309, Bag Squeezer, Just Tim, Calvin Klein, Takes Too Long To Cum, Rent A Virgin, Menage A Twat, No Penetration, The Great Lochness Cockster, Just Art, Just Joe, Risky Business, Sir Poops A Lot, Back Door Out Switch, Just Amanda, I Like Dick, Bloody Thighs, Polish Reporter, Wrapper Snatcher,and Lower Whackoff

THE LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): Cums On I Lean, Just I Lean, and R-Tard-E

THE REALLY LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): EZ On The Ass, Just Steve, and It’s Too Soft

Call it a wild guess but I think these hashers are having fun! Left to right is Enema Canal, our fearless Just Amanda and next week’s hare Bag Squeezer! How ’bout that for an all-star lineup!

Hash Trash: 4/27/08
Hares: Its Too Soft and Lifa
Venue: Party Central 933 W. Wolfram

HASHERS- Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Brian, Just Steve, The Enema Canal, Just Tim, Super Stuffer, Horn-E, Rotten Whore, Calvin Klein, Batteries Not Included, Just Rob, Lifa, Bloody Thighs, Wrapper Snatcher, Stab’em and Slab’em, MudSucker, Just Joan, Chip-n-Dale, Just Jody, Just Amanda, Cobwebs in the Bush, Virtually Hung, Stupid Man, Milk My YAK, Barks on All Fours, Mouthful of Meat, I Like Dick, Mount Me Puh’lzee, Mount Schwiiinga, Bag Squeezer, and Three Dogs (Not an actual name)
VIRGINS= 0
VISTORS= 0
TOTAL HASHERS= 33

It was the last Sunday Hash of the season and the kennel showed up in force, testing the capacity of IT’S TOO SOFT’s skydeck. MILK MY YAK was operating, I believe, the only keg winch in Midwest existence. With the keg situated in its new home, the pack headed down to the alley for Chalk Talk. Our hares were none other than IT’S TOO SOFT and LIFA. With the talk and the introductions complete, the pack took off with I LIKE DICK, JUST JODY, and THE ENEMA CANAL in the lead.

The trail looked like it was going to be a fairly simple one but after the first check THE ENEMA CANAL got completely lost. He was able to find COBWEBS IN THE BUSH (her dog decided to mark his own trail at a most inopportune moment) to help get back on trail. Meanstwhile, CHICKEN STIFFER had started going free range and HORN-E had disappeared altogether. Up near the front VIRTUALLY HUNG, JUST JODY, JUST BRIAN, and CALVIN KLEIN were marking the true trails, the short cuts, and leaving choice words for any sweeping hares.

Unlike other hashes, the kennel was strung out from Diversey Harbor and past De Paul all the way to the beer stop which was directed by a BN, another BN, a BVN, and another BVN (That’s just cruel). The top deck of the parking garage was the perfect place to regroup and recover. The best part was quite a few of the hashers got trapped at the top behind a locked door looking out at the Fuji-mobile (slightly less popular than the Pope-mobile). CHICKEN STIFFER was the first to fall into the trap, followed by THE ENEMA CANAL who pounded the glass in futility, I LIKE DICK was next, and then ROTTEN WHORE finally showed up and became trapped with the entire pack mocking her.

With the beer check near depletion it was time to head back and IT’S TOO SOFT was on his bike when he was taken down by a corner (This is his second injury for April alone!) Feeling it was his civic duty, VIRTUALLY HUNG quickly created a chalk outline of the accident site to help IT’S TOO SOFT’s pending case on next week’s Judge Judy. With the accident site investigated we headed back down and started back to Party Central.

Once everyone had finally made it back with their puppies in baby carriages we started getting ready for the circle. The RA and GM donned their ceremonial robes and we started our singing of the hymnals. Our FRBs were JUST JODY and FLYING HOOTERS while our opposite end of the spectrum DFLs were ROTTEN WHORE and the very late BAG SQUEEZER. For making it a bestiality hash STUPID MAN, STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM, and COBWEBS were called into the circle. Despite having dogs with them, they were all pretty much near the rear of the pack, but then again STUPID MAN needs to teach his pup that you can’t hump a dog from the side. Bag Squeezer received his anointed whistle and lanyard for his tenth run, even if he did show up for just the end of it. ROTTEN WHORE and THE ENEMA CANAL were called out for their attendance of the Racist Rally in Ravenswood (12th analversary) which we later learned that BLOODY THIGHS had watched. CUMA SLUTRA and WRAPPER SNATCHER were called out for changing into their “Hey there, please sexually satisfy me boots.”

In a series of bizarre events, I LIKE DICK attempted a coup but forgot to secure support from the people for his “revoluccion.” Once the Coalition had taken back control, the accused was forced on his knees for his grievous violation and forced to drink. For all those that thought drinking out of new shoes was just an urban legend; JUST TIM and I LIKE DICK ignored the warnings and drank from their Asics-flavored vessels.

And the award for creepiest, most sleep preventing event was none other than HORN-E sticking his tongue in JUST AMANDA’s ear. So that it’s not the last thought in your mind, afterwards the circle was dissolved, SUPER STUFFER became our Iron Chef manning the grill station, and there was much inebriated socialism. Also when you see R-TARD-E and JUST I LEAN make sure you congratulate them on their elopement to Puerta Vallerta.

THE ENEMA CANAL
Hashspace Whore

Click here 4 GPS Map of da trail!

______

Hash Trash: 4/20/08
Hares: Cums On I Lean, R-Tard-E
Venue: Bridgeport Inn –> Chez I Lean
VIRGINS: Just Jody
VISITORS:
HASHER- Chicken Stiffer, Just I Lean, Cuma Slutra, Just Brian, Its Too Soft, Just Steve, KGB, The Enema Canal, Just Tim, Super Stuffer, Horn-E, Rotten Whore, Calvin Klein, Batteries Not Included, Giddy Up, Just Rob, Lifa, Bloody Thighs, Wrapper Snatcher, Happy Ass Grabber, Stab’em and Slab’em, MudSucker, Are They Real, EZ On The Ass, Just Joan, Chip-n-Dale
VIRGINS= 1
VISTORS= 0
TOTAL HASHERS= 30

It’s not often the pack leaves the relative safety of the “Green Zone,” but with the change of weather it was decided to make our presence known in the SouthSide province of Bridgeport. Scouting out our trail was none other than R-TARD-E and CUMS ON I LEAN. At the chalk talk, we were told that this would be no ordinary trail as we would have not only the choice of ”Eagle” or “Turkey” but would also be presented with an “Option A” and an “Option B.” As usual, the trail began across the street and the pack was off with CHIP-N-DALE leading the way.

Crossing under the I-55 Stevie we came upon our first indication that this was indeed going to be an interesting trail. With an arrow pointing into a fenced-in yard, THE ENEMA CANAL took one look at the building and opened the gate and crossed the yard with WRAPPER SNATCHER, JUST JODY, and HAPPY ASS GRABBER right behind. Unfortunately the other gate was locked and the owner (squatter) came out looking at us all perplexed as we exited the yard.

While HAPPY ASS GRABBER was busy scaling the fence, JUST BRIAN and EZ ON THE ASS were already up the stairs and leading the pack along the railway. It wasn’t until the entire pack was already up on the tracks that we realized that we had fallen for a false trail. After some time, the pack picked up on the trail and began to lead us south of Archer Ave. After some time we came upon the Beer Stop only to find that our Hares were late. As we stood there plotting mutiny, R-TARD-E, CUMS ON I LEAN, and SUPER STUFFER showed up with our long awaited beer.

We have no idea how we ended up on the Eagle but after about 10 minutes we came upon a Back Check 54! Dumbfounded some of the pack like JUST TIM, GIDDY UP and STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM posed for one finger salutes while CHICKEN STIFFER was off looking for a shortcut. Arriving back at the Beer Stop, the pack led by CHIP-N-DALE and our virgin JUST JODY was busy getting to “Option A” and “Option B.” They took “Option A” which pissed off one of the nicest ladies we ever met hashing. She and CALVIN KLEIN engaged in metaphysical conversation while the rest of us decided to go with “Option B.”

At the On-In at Chez Cums on I Lean we enjoyed chips and smores prior to holding the circle. JUST JOAN showed up out of nowhere and BELLA the Malti-Lick-Poo (It’s a Maltese/Hasher/ Poodle mix) made a return appearance. Hash Hymnals were passed around and JUST BRIAN received his whistle for his 10th CH3 run. Our DFL was ARE THEY REAL after arriving when the circle was already halfway done. For his disruptive behavior, HAPPY ASS GRABBER was made an example of, forced to assume the position. LIFA was asked in his infinite experience to demonstrate Down Downs for our virgin. Certain members of the pack were unaccounted for but EZ ON THE ASS and MUD SUCKER are sure to show once again. After the closing of the circle many of us went to preview the site of next hash which we have been assured will be ready for the opening ceremonies, just like in Beijing.

THE ENEMA CANAL
Freelance Hasher

________