Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1551

Enema Canal

Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed Last Day of June 2008, 7PM
Piano Man

CHICAGO #1551 � So what happens exactly a week after the Cubbies sweep the Sox at Wrigley? Payback! The Sox clean up at the Cell placing the two teams at a dead tie. Well, for those who haven�t purchased riot gear for the potential White Sox-Cubbies World Series, you should probably plan on camping out at ODOR EATER�s or EZ ON THE ASS�s during that time. THE ENEMA CANAL and JUST JULIA are pretty much screwed since they live in that borderland between the 35th and Addison Red Line Stops way outside of the �Green Zone.�

But enough apocalyptics, the hash found itself in the fairly quiet and somber Piano Man where the residents of Wrigleyville (Are they called Wrigleys? You know like the Whos from Whoville?) were definitely not celebrating. Being that this was a BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and CALVIN KLEIN trail we were all expecting a long trail full of heartbreak. Some hashers such as HOOSIER DADDY and CROP DUSTER remember the Beer Near followed by a Beer Very Near followed by a Beer Very Very Near from the last trail those two hares laid.

CALVIN, ever the considerate one, brought out the virgins JUST KAWIKA and JUST MATT closer to the Chalk Talk so that they would be guaranteed to be lost later in the trail. We also had a visit from PROSTATE PIRATE AAARRGH! who was in town for a confAAARRRence. We also had a dog, CHEESE, who is part of the HAPPY ASS GRABBER family. And as soon as CALVIN got tired of explaining marks we were all off to find the trail.

BAGSQUEEZER and JUST JOHN set off ahead of everyone else while the virgins were warned that following ENEMA, ROTTEN WHORE, or HORN-E could result in being lost for quite a while as those three are terrible SCBs(Short Cutting Bastards). After a couple of checks we were soon joined by THE GREAT LOCHNESS COCKSTER and TWO TICKETS TO A PAIR OF THIGHS. When we finally arrived at the Beer Stop, ww met up with ONE HANDED TYPIST who was lounging about waiting for SUPER STUF�HER to arrive so they could feed the bottomless pits of their stomachs. As we began to become refreshed in the oh so hot sandwich shop. Apparently the heat was too much for some as IT�S TOO SOFT felt it necessary to take the Clark 22 bus back to Piano Man.

So CALVIN and ENEMA held circle as chefs JUST I LEAN and CUMS ON I LEAN tended to grilling dogs. So what happened other than ROTTEN WHORE never leaving the virgins alone? Well apparently ODOR EATER mistook ROTTEN WHORE for LOWER WACKOFF which is just plain odd. Oh yes, I almost forgot, we celebrated the loss of the Cubs with song and merriment. We also had to call out MAGENTIC MUFF and SIR POOPS A LOT for not calling out other people. So who wanted to win the hash this time? Well it was JUST BILL with his triathlon shirt who had this overpowering urge to get back first. CROP DUSTER on the other hand distracted JUST JULIA and led her into the bar ensuring that she would be the FBI(First Bimbo In), just edging out TWO TICKETS. Of course that meant the DFL(Dead Fucking Last) was R-TARD-E that was until MUDSUCKER showed up later only to be later followed by MOUNT SCHWIIINGA.

HARES (2): Calvin Klein and Batteries Not Included
VIRGINS (4): Just Matt, Just Kawika, Just Jeff, Just Zack
VISITORS (1): Prostate Pirate Aaarrgh! (Charleston, South Carolina) 
HASHERS (33): Bagsqueezer, Smelly Concha, The Enema Canal, Snatchsquatch, Just I Lean, Cums On I Lean, R-Tard-E, Crop Duster, Salty Gash, Sit-n-Pee, One Handed Typist, Magnetic Muff, Just Bill, Just Sarah, Just Julia, Just Kelly, Odor Eater, Rotten Whore, Barry O�Manilow, Horn-E, Happy Ass Grabber, Super Stuf�Her, Mouthful of Meat, 2 Tickets to a Pair of Thighs, The Great Lochness Cockster, Sir Poops A Lot, Hooked on Tonics, Just John, It�s Too Soft, Hoosier Daddy, Lifa, Lower Wackoff, Benafuckedher
WALKER (3): EZ on the Ass, Mudsucker, Mount Schwiiinga
DOG (1): Cheese (Why do we keep getting dogs? And who pays for them?)

CUBS � 0
W. SOX � 3

TOTAL HASHERS � 43 including 5 Walk-ins (2 of them being Virgins)

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Mount Schwiiinga was voted MVP of her kickball team.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1550

Nellie Darling, You Suck!
By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times
Hashed 16+7=23 June 2008, 7PM
Party Central Skydeck

CHICAGO #1550 – It took the hashers a little while to get use to the camera, after all you never know when you are going to show up on COPS! According to CHICKEN STIFFER the camera was just there for some sort of Comcast Sports show (Runner’s Ultimate Network), although it is my personal belief that they were anthropologists, sort of like Jane Goodall. After some prodding, people began to open up and talk to the camera like BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED.
There were quite a few people that hadn’t been around lately that finally showed up after apparently learning how to use the internet once again. CUM IN MY ASSFAULT had been missing since Easter as well as JUST NORA, showing up for her second time (hopefully she understands that she is not going to get fed at every hash). ONE HANDED TYPIST and HOOKED ON TONICS also made an appearance to prove to the rest of the hash that they have not died or moved to Kathmandu. While those mentioned came fashionably late, others just came fashionable. Many had on their 30 Years of Hashing shirts from the weekend to include THE ENEMA CANAL, BLOODY THIGHS, PRINCESS LABIA, and JUST BRETT. JUST EMILY had the most interesting shirt of all with the words “Sludge Muffins” on it.
After some brief pre-intoxication the hashers were finally herded down to the alley behind Party Central so there could be discussions of marks. VIRTUALLY HUNG had already departed by that time and left the Chalk Talk to CHICKEN as the Brown Line roared past to drown out our introductions. With CHICKEN having no idea which way VIRTUAL went to, our Chalk Talk turned into our first Check. CROP DUSTER and MOLDY MAN SAC went north to look for trail while ENEMA decided to head south to look for trail only to stop dead in their tracks and head back. SUPER STUFF’HER, CUMS ON I LEAN, R-TARD-E, and JUST I LEAN slowly brought up the rear as they took turn wearing the manly doggie backpack and walking Beulah the non-drinking dog.
But what we all really care about is what happened afterwards under the guidance of CALVIN KLEIN and ENEMA. Due to all the virgins that had arrived, it became necessary to show them how to do a proper down-down, so we called out MORE TAIL and another hasher (who will remain nameless because he lost his Trial by Down-Down) to show the Virgins how to empty their vessels. You would think that people would learn not to wear new shoes but JUST ED noticed that ANAL ASSAULT had picked up a bright new pair of Asics. To thank him for his keen sense of sight we had him drink from the left as she drank from the right (now that’s teamwork). With all the hashers there it wasn’t unusual for there to be a lot of side conversations and we called out a few for being disruptive. It came to the RA’s notice that W’ALL BANGHER couldn’t keep quiet while HORN-E was reading a letter to the kennel so she was asked to keep quiet by Down-Down. Of course nobody learns so we also had to pull in ROTTEN WHORE for the same reason (surprise, surprise!) and then JUST BRETT who apparently defeated our arm-straightening pipe (the guy is just too big).
UPLOADER also received the fabled 10th run whistle so now he can tell the rest of us where true trail is. Finally, we had a very interesting take on Nellie Darling as we returned her book which was lost last week and chanted “You Suck” in between every line. So set your TIVOs to record on the 5th of July because that’s all the info you’re getting from me.
HARES (4): Chicken Stiffer, Virtually Hung, Calvin Klein, It’s Too Soft
VIRGINS (7): Just Brad, Just Ira, Just Leah, Just Ines, Just Kelly, Just Adam, Just Cari,
VISITORS (2): Hot Lips (Grand Rapids), Fuck Me til I Turn Brown (Boston),
HASHERS (52): Anal Assault, The Enema Canal, Just Brett, Just Amanda, Just I Lean, Risky Business, Cumma Slutra, Cums On I Lean, Batteries Not Included, R-Tard-E, Crop Duster, Salty Gash, Sit-n-Pee (Just Ed), Just Allie, One Handed Typist, Just Jenn, Just Eva, Moldy Man Sac, 867-5309, More Tail, Odor Eater, Rotten Whore, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Barry-o-man Loan, Just Bill, Dr. Poolittle, Bloody Thighs, Horn-E, Just Nora, Super Stuf’Her, Mouthful of Meat, Just Nettie, International Virgin, Princess Labia, W’all Bangher, Porcelain God, 2 Tickets to a Pair of Thighs, The Great Lochness Cockster, Stupidman (Kenosha Sucks), Cum in My Assfault, Just Emily, Sir Poops A Lot, Moan On Trail, Hooked on Tonics, Just John, Just Shari, Just Emily, Mount Schwiiinga, Carpet Shagger, Just Allison, Uploader
CUBS – 3
W. SOX – 0
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Odor Eater cries everytime he watches “Little Women.”

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1547

It’s Naughty-cal!

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed the 2nd of June 2008 , 7:30PM ( 8:30 Eastern)
The Weather Mark

CHICAGO #1547 – Get ready to put on your big yellow rubbers including those funny hats because we’re hashing out of a Sox and Seamen themed bar. On second thought with the way the heat has been lately it’s very likely that you may overheat, pass out, and then require rescue breathing from MR. CHEESECAKE. Okay so put on those running shoes, wrap up your broken metacarpals, and make sure you are wearing pants because it’s time to scare the local South Loop population.

It’s not every hash that we get to follow trail out of South Loop (Not SoLo…I mean seriously, I don’t know who thinks it’s cool to call it SoLo, but enough is enough) and as such this was quite a treat for those that arrived. After much discussion, THE ENEMA CANAL and MAGNETIC MUFF decided to lead the pack on a scenic route through Museum Park as opposed to the scenic run around the 1st District Police HQ. Meanwhile, IT’S TOO SOFT was contemplating if he should get another Snickers bar from the vending machine. Anticipating multiple FRBs, the hares went a little crazy with Checks, Falses, and Splits all around the area.

After a grueling hour and half of laying trail, the hares returned to see that HOOSIER DADDY and JUST BRETT had arrived along with others. EZ ON THE ASS was there which meant that there was probably nobody watching any of the prisoners (I don’t think that is in Jody Weis’s plan). Cuming up on 9:30PM Nova Scotia time, we started heading out for the traditional chalk talk. Virgins JUST ALEXIS, JUST AMY, and JUST JESSICA were brought forward so they could get a look at the marks which they’ll likely ignore anyways. We then went around the circle calling out our names to no-one in general and then took off towards the safety of the North. Some of the group must have seen the wild look in the hares’ eyes as STUPID MAN (Not so stupid now, huh?), STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM, and CUMS ON I LEAN decided to stay back at the bar after the introductions. MAGNETIC MUFF swept the trail while THE ENEMA CANAL readied the Beer Stop.

JUST I LEAN and the easily distracted R-TARD-E were the first to come upon the first False which came off a split in the first 5 minutes of the run. Then within the first 10 minutes of the run, the pack came upon their first Turkey/Eagle Split which some completed and others like JUST JULIA decided to ignore (cum to think about it, who gave her authorization to modify her hash uniform and ignore current regulations?). For those that didn’t run it, the Eagle trail was 20 feet longer than the 230 foot long Turkey . IT’S TOO SOFT was trying to see if he could break through that porno firewall that the IT guys put in last week; he was unsuccessful and called it a day. The trail then took everyone closer towards 11th street and then on over towards the lake as they encountered the second Turkey/Eagle Split.

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and HOOSIER DADDY opted to take the lakeside Eagle route so that they could pretend to be normal runners as they went around the Shedd Aquarium. JUST I LEAN was close behind and almost broke his other metacarpals as he scaled the blocks at the end of the Eagle, while CHICKEN STIFFER was being tripped and mugged behind the Shedd. At about this time ITS TOO SOFT was getting into his car and started to head down towards the “Green Zone” and STUPID MAN was ordering another beer (he wasn’t winded either). As the pack rejoined, they started heading through the Police Memorial Path and then past Soldier Field. CHICKEN was leading the way towards the McCormick Place and was first up the back entrance (or side entrance). From his vantage point, ENEMA spotted 867-5309 hopping up and down with her hands raised in victory like Rocky when she reached the top of the McCormick Place .

At about this time the pack worked their way up to the land bridge between the two sides of the McCormick. JUST JESSICA and CUMA SLUTRA were looking at the last split and debated trying the non-conspicuous door which opened when they tried it. HORN-E quickly spun around and followed the rest of the pack through the McCormick. So what did they see in there? Well apparently someone was working late on their laptop and looked up to see the kennel run by, which perplexed him to no end, along with the cleaning crews. As for the infamous security, they were just as dumbfounded as they stood outside of the Hyatt entrance only to see more than 20 people run by them. IT’S TOO SOFT was, on the other hand, dumbfounded by the lady on the cell phone that just forcibly merged into his lane only to stop at the light while it was still yellow. He was so dumbfounded that he wanted to take his Oscar Mayer whistle and plug it up her tailpipe.

Clearing the McCormick, JUST JULIA was the first to discover the Beer Stop. Secluded, out-of-the way, and with cars covered in cement (just splashes, not completely) the Beer Stop featured Old Style and Bud Light. As STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM said “We walked half a mile from a bar with good beer for Old Style! Oh Boy!” While some claim that she was being sarcastic, I know that she really was having trouble expressing her feelings of joy. Sort of like IT’S TOO SOFT was having trouble expressing his feelings through his middle finger to the rest of the Lincoln Park traffic. Instead of taking the 18th Street Walkway, JUST JOAN became our DFL for the Beer Stop.

So, fast forward to the On-In. With the absence of CALVIN KLEIN, ENEMA would have to RA tonight (butterflys, or is it barflys?). While his skills could still use a bit of polish, he was able to make to the end and hit all of the important points.

FRB? Check. FBIs? Check. Announcements? Check. Re-Boots? Check. Virgins? What is your name? Where are you from? Who made you cum? What’s your favorite farm animal? (Did JUST ALEXIS say Crocodile? And did JUST AMY say “Sheep are always good?” Oh, well.) “SIR POOP A LOT will you demonstrate (like you have a choice)?” Thank You. Get out of my circle. DFL? Check. NRBs? Check. IT’s TOO SOFT here? Check. “Okay, vessels on the ground…Men’s version…Women’s version…May the hash go in peace!”

But it wasn’t over, it was time for a naming. 2 Hashers entered for naming (JUST TIM and JUST STEVE) but only one left with a name. And so JUST STEVE was renamed to ICE PRINCESS with the runner up of “Men Only” which was in reference to some sort of bathroom thing (I don’t know). Afterwords, somehow ENEMA, ICE PRINCESS, and CUMA SLUTRA go on to the subject of…kittens…yeah that’s it they were talking about “kittens.” If you don’t believe me just ask BATTERIES.

HARES (Dos!): Magnetic Muff and The Enema Canal
VIRGINS (Tres!): Just Alexis, Just Amy, Just Jessica
HASHER (Catorce!…um 23): Just Brett, Moldy Man Sac, 867-5309, R-Tard-E, Sir Poops A Lot, Just Tim, Just Julia, Batteries Not Included, Just Amanda, Cuma Slutra, Its Too Soft, Stupid Man, Stab’em and Slab’em, Mudsucker, Ice Princess (formerly Just Steve) , EZ on the Ass, Mr. Cheesecake, Cums On I Lean, Just I Lean, Just Joan, Horn-E, Chicken Stiffer, and Hoosier Daddy,

TOTAL: 2 Hares and 26 Hashers (or 13 Hashers per Hare)

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1546

20, 20, 24 Hours To Go (202024 hours = 23 years)

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed 25 May 2008, 2:17 PM
Chalet von Virgin Banger und Renta Virgin

Come and visit beautiful Lincoln Square in the spring (before it turns into winter), site of the famous Claddagh Ring (now offering Wi-Fi and Guinness at 2306 W. Foster)! This is your starting point for a lovely day that includes fierce competition, light drinking, and of course gentle romping in the grass.

Your day will start off as you and any virgins you bring along will arrive as early as you can for a chance to own one of the highly coveted technical hash t-shirts (limited to the first 30 to show up and pay). With this technical gear, not only will you become an FRB but you will be able to look as good as the hares RENTA VIRGIN, VIRGIN BANGER, and SMELL THIS. Just ask WRAPPER SNATCHER and THE PORCELAIN GOD as they camped out in front of the Claddagh Ring a whole 45 minutes before the On-Out. But remember, it�s not unusual for supplies to run out as early as 1:47 PM.

As the time nears for our 4th annual game of Hide and Go Fu�uh…Seek, you�ll meet old friends such as BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF and 3 X A LADY as well as new friends like Cubbies supporter JUST ED and SALTY GASH�s brother SAVORY GASH (okay, okay, his name is JUST JOHN). So anyways you get to meet people. If you are a longtime hasher you get to meet people you already know, if you�re a virgin hopefully you don�t recognize anybody you work with.

To ensure that your journey is started off in a nice and organized manner, our Hospitality Hares will provide a brief lecture explaining the different types of Hash Marks that you will likely miss without a trained eye. To help contrast with the light grey sidewalk, we�ll use chalk colours (oooh fancy, the Brits use a �U� with color) like pink, white, and gray. If you�re a virgin like JUST MIN� then just follow HORN-E and the sound of his horn as he leads you somewhere. R-TARD-E will also ensure you get to your destination eventually unless he confuses JUST I LEAN with JUST EILEEN.

Your first destination on your journey will take you around the lovely neighborhoods where you have the option to run through a soccer game. Numerous checks will slow down the FRBs and provide CUNT-N-PASTIES the chance to trip THE ENEMA CANAL, who will barely recover at the last moment. Don�t think that tripping is unacceptable, because it�s not, and neither is running back and forth in the park looking for true trail like DICKENS CIDER. But it will all be worth it as you arrive at the Casa de NO PENETRATION where the first 50 hashers will receive a frosty, aluminum wrapped beverage. But make sure you go to the right place because the other house may be hash friendly and ask �Are you coming in?� but they don�t carry American beer.

From the first Beer Stop we�ll head to the House of BLOODY THIGHS. Along the way you may see ROTTEN WHORE using here phone on trail for some sort of emergency. You can also expect ENEMA to disappear off trail to get sprayed down by perplexed gardeners, leaving DICKENS CIDER to FBI the way in. Once you arrive, pick your teams quickly or you might lose to EZ ON THE ASS�s team which is on a winning streak. The key to Izzy Dizzy is to make sure you don�t hurt yourself when you fall like BAGSQUEEZER. But if you hurt yourself, grab BLOODY THIGHS�s 10 year old frozen peas and wrap them around your hand like JUST I LEAN before you head to the final Beer Stop.

At the final Beer Stop you�ll meet up with JUST STEVE, JUST CRYSTAL, CALVIN KLEIN, and BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED who will direct you to a lovely game of �Duck, Duck, Goose.� The key is to remember that when you tag your Goose make sure they are slower than you and make sure you have checked the tread on your hashing shoes, you don�t want to slip like JUST JODY. Also it helps to remember where the Goose sat because you don�t want to end up in the middle because you sat in the wrong spot like RENTA VIRGIN and ODOR EATER. Unfortunately, there won�t be a winner as we�ll have to leave early for the On-In.

And when your journey is finally complete, you can expect some fine dining choices from our executive chefs PETERBILT and CALVIN KLEIN (both AAA 4-Diamond chefs, they actually trained Charlie Trotter). After LIFA dons the Cone of Silence he will inevitably harass everyone until they pour beer down his cone. ALCOHOLIDAY will sing �24 Hours I Masturbated� while encouraging people to take a hit from the Flabongo. BRRR from Austin will show that the top of her head is a good place to set down your beer (HMMM) by balancing a sippy cup of beer. Speaking of sippy cups, we like babies but keep them away from the pitchers or we may crush them during Izzy Dizzy (NOTE: SQUEEZE THESE and SPECKIE have confirmed the children are forever traumatized).

So whether you�d rather cum for PETERBILT and CALVIN�s food, or play Flippy Cup with PRINCESS LABIA and MAGNETIC MUFF, or lay on top of other hashers like JUST TIM and THE GREAT LOCKNESS COCKSTER did, cum on out to Californ�er�Lincoln Square. We�d love to have you out here so you can look through the cupboards and in the oven like ENEMA and DONKEY PUNCH did or just relax playing bags like ASSFLAC and TOO MUCH HEAD. If your lucky you can be a sibling for newly adopted BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF. So book your ticket today and we’ll keep the Goose Island chilled for ya.

HARES (5): Renta Virgin, Smell This, Virgin Banger, Peterbilt, Calvin Klein,
VIRGINS (6): Just John, Just Brett, Just Tony, Just Eileen, Just Krystal, Just Min�
VISITORS (4): Flag No Pole (Aloha H3), Alcoholiday (Vegas), BRRR (Austin, Texas), Donkey Punch (Indyscent)
HASHERS (59): Two Tickets to a Pair of Thighs; The Great Lockness Cockster; Its Too Soft; Chicken Stiffer; Horn-E; Bag Squeezer; Lower Whackoff; Just Jody; Cuma Slutra; Necropiliac; 867-5309; Too Much Head; Wrapper Snatcher; The Porecelain God; Just Ed; Special Head; The Enema Canal; UpLoader; Stump Humper; Salty Gash; Johnny Cockring; Foot-n-Mouth; Princess Labia; EZ on the Ass; Lifa; Cunt-n-Pasties, Flying Hooters; Bloody Thighs; Likes it on the Bottom; Bank of Spermamerica; R-Tard-E; Takes too long too Cum; Rotten Whore; Odor Eater; Hoosier Daddy; Dickens Cider; 3 x a Lady, Just Steve; W�all Bangher; Batteries not Included; Squeeze These; Speckie; Packher Ass; Cums on I Lean; Just I Lean; Hot Pants; The KGB; Ram Van Thank You Ma�am; Man-o-Whore; Or-G; Asspocket; Just Mark; Just Julia; Just Tim; Bang Me, Blow Me, Get Me Off; Magnetic Muff, Assflac
OTHER NOTEABLES: No Penetration (beer stop 1) and I have no idea who just walked or showed up late.

TOTAL: 69 and 5 hares if we split them. 75 with No Penetration.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1545

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed 19 May 2008, 7:30 PM
Double Bubble at 6036 N. Broadway

CHICAGO #1545 � �Ummm, this is a little different than I�m used to. The Brown line isn�t this�creepy,� said MOUTHFUL OF MEAT as she was heading to the Double Bubble in Uptown. This phrase would foreshadow the idiocy to follow.

Upon learning that the hares for this hash were none other than SUPER STUF�HER, JUST I LEAN, and R-TARD-E; many of the hashers were frightened off as was evident by the high number of JUSTs that showed up. JUST JULIA, JUST SCOTT, JUST SHEDI, JUST JOHN, JUST ANGELLE, and JUST TIFFANY were some of our less frequent JUSTs. Rounding out the JUSTs was JUST TIM and JUST AMANDA (holy crap! We have enough to start up a JUST HHH or a bowling league!)

Apparently R-TARD-E fame has yet to leave the general Chicago area, as we also had three foolish visitors that showed up. MASTERCHUGGER came all the way from Houston along with PIPES who is originally from the Hamersly HHH (I believe it�s a Houston suburb) and finally was CREAMIN AND SCREAMIN from Waukesha. Of the three of them, only PIPES showed enough sense to stay at the Double Bubble and drink while the others ran the trail.

As the �Running of the Hares� approached, R-TARD-E attempted to give his Chalk Talk lecture. Due to the high amount of confusion, CHICKEN STIFFER was forced to step up and act as our R-TARD-ese (or is it R-TARD-ish?) translator. Even with this translation it was evident that our virgin, JUST TIFFANY, may become completely lost even with R-TARD-E sweeping.

Thankfully, we had enough hash veterans that could lead all of our JUSTs to the Beer Stop and then the On-In (we hope). With the introductions complete, we set off heading away from downtown. It wasn�t long until we had discovered that this would definitely be a�what�s the word I�m looking for�hmmm�Oh! That�s it!…A �Shitty� (NOTE: Finger quotes necessary) trail! The 3rd mark we encountered was scratched out because it pointed back to the bar!

For those that weren�t there and those looking to hare, now is the time for �Good Idea, Bad Idea.� Good Idea: pre-laying the trail so you don�t have to worry about running your trail before the On-Out. Bad Idea: pre-laying the trail 2 days before the hash! Yes, the hares laid the trail a whole 2 days before.

So, back to the trail. Ahem�So after the 3rd mark we found ourselves running some very long straight-aways which could only mean that the Hares had a special destination for us. JUST TIM, JUST JOHN, and CALVIN KLEIN led the pack most of the way until we started getting into more residential areas that would soon split up the pack. As normal, HORN-E started searching for trail off-trail while CHICKEN did the same. The bimbos were also being competitive that day with MORE TAIL and JUST AMANDA fighting for the pole position.

Most of the Checks and Splits that were left for the pack to run were solved almost immediately by the FRBs with the exception of one, allowing MAGENTIC MUFF and MUDSUCKER to catch up. THE ENEMA CANAL headed west to find trail only to give up and head back to the Check. Upon seeing him I LIKE DICK, with his headphones on and hands in his pocket, be-bopped past ENEMA and asked �So, did you find it?�

3X A LADY was able to pick up the trail and the pack slowly made its way toward the ocean�err�Lake Michigan. Due to rising prices worldwide, the hares were unable to purchase flour for trail (mostly attributed to the food riots at the Aldi on N. Broadway). As such, the trail took us through Hartigan Park where STUF�HER and I LEAN marked every rock they could with chalk. It was also at this park that JUST TIM was caught being chivalrous, allowing a harriette to pass through a gate ahead of him.

After clearing the park, we found ourselves ignoring the Splits that pointed at walls and fences. No-one was planning to climb fences around Loyola with Campus Police patrolling. Bouncing from boulder to boulder JUST JOHN and 3 X A LADY discovered the Beer Stop. Soon everyone arrived with MAGNETIC MUFF taking the last 70� Budweiser, forcing HORN-E and SIR POOPS A LOT to choke down 98.6� Bud Lights. The real surprise was the arrival of CHIPPENDALE, whom arrived last to become our DFL, although he blames the sweeping hare for poor sweepery.

With the warm beer vanquished we headed back to the On-In to meet up with IT�s TOO SOFT and JUST JOAN. With the crowd all gathered CALVIN introduced his RA-in-Training, THE ENEMA CANAL. Unfortunately, with his recent accomplishment of being the FRB, as well as yelling �I LIKE DICK� in a gay bar at Indy Prom Dress; ENEMA dragged CALVIN into a couple of Down-Downs. Fueled with $5 beer pitchers the RA�s struck back.

FBIs CREAMIN AND SCREAMIN and CUMS ON I LEAN were brought in to drink for crime of competiveness. Afterwards MORE TAIL was called out for stripping on trail while JUST TIM was called out for his chivalry. CHICKEN STIFFER was cited for his poor translation of R-TARD-ish, neglecting to tell us of the Turkey and Eagle trails. The bartender was not immune, as he was forced to drink a Down-Down. PETERBILT demonstrated the fastest (and sloppiest) Down-Down to date for our virgin. We all said our farewells to CHIPPENDALE who will willingly(?) welcome us to visit him in Denver (where the shorts go even higher). To celebrate or mourn her birthday, we sang the Birthday Dirge for BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. But of course, the most important task to fulfill was to help raise the average number of down-downs for I LIKE DICK�s spreadsheet.

�What can I say? CALVIN hates me. I do more Down-Downs than anyone else. I do 3.15 Down-Downs per hash. I�ve got a spreadsheet.� Well, that number has gone up.

HARE (3) � Just I Lean, Super Stuf�her and R-Tard-E

VISITOR (3) � Master Chugger from Houston HHH, Pipes from Hamersley HHH, Creamin and Screamin from Waukesha HHH(sucks!)

VIRGIN (1) � Just Tiffany

THE PACK (23) � Horn-E, The Enema Canal, Calvin Klein, Just Amanda, Milk My Yak, Just Tim, Sir Poops A Lot, Mouthful of Meat, Cums On I Lean, Just Scott, Just Julia, Just Shedi, Just John, 3x A Lady, Mudsucker, Anal Assault, More Tail, Magnetic Muff, Virgin Banger, I Like Dick, Chippendale, Chicken Stiffer & Just Angelle

AT THE BAR (5) � It�s Too Soft, Just Joan, Batteries Not Included & Peterbilt, Soar Balls,

TOTAL � 35

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1544

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, ROTFL

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Trypoon

Hashed 12 May 2008 , 7:30 PM
The Beaumont at 2020 N. Halsted

CHICAGO #1544 – Temperatures in and around the “Green Zone” plummeted to all time lows as the Chicago Hash Team prepared to start their regular summer season after last week’s exhibition hash at the Red Apple. After watching from the sidelines during the winter hashes, BAG SQUEEZER set out to lay his first trail with veteran CHICKEN STIFFER backing him up.

The team is looking good this year after recent acquisitions in the free agent market, picking up MORE TAIL in a last minute trade with Boston HHH. This will give more depth to the bench especially with NO PENETRATION still out after his injury during the off-season from riding motorcycles through flaming hoops..

After the chalk talk was completed, strategerie (it’s a real word, even if spellchecker disagrees) was discussed, and introductions made; the pack was off towards the glitzy shops on Armitage. Recently named HOOSIER DADDY (the hasher formerly known as JUST ROB) and THE ENEMA CANAL quickly took the lead and followed the trail down some alleyways.

As always for the FRBs, it wasn’t too long until they started running into Splits and Checks and falling further and further back due to poor decision making skills (intelligence is not a pre-requisite for hashing). THE PORCELAIN GOD (formerly JUST BRIAN) and JUST I LEAN started to move into the lead, especially when ENEMA followed JUST TIM down some extremely long and extremely wrong shortcuts (apparently common sense is not a pre-requisite either).

WRAPPER SNATCHER obviously felt that the rest of the pack was screwing up as she started issuing orders to the pack.

[NOTE: Read the next line in a high pitched voice.]

“I can’t run the check, I’ll die. You go check it,” (add laughter, the giggling kind) she ordered sending ENEMA down a false trail..

[NOTE, NOTE: Okay that was very good, but you didn’t have to read it out loud. I mean just look around, people are staring, aren’t they? Now would be a good time for an awkward laugh.]

No one was immune to her demands and I’m sure she sent SIR POOPS A LOT and JUST STEVE on similar geese chases. We’re lucky we didn’t have to carry her to the Beer Stop at Oz Park.

At the Beer Stop the fatigue started to affect everyone. Remarkably, it seemed as if MOUTHFUL OF MEAT, CUMS ON I LEAN, and SALTY GASH weren’t winded the slightest bit. Along with them was CHICKEN STIFFER who had gone through a lot of trouble to transfer Summer Moon to MGD Light cans and then painstakingly reweld the mouths shut. JUST JODY showed up a few minutes later after running with another running-influenced group(Et tu, JODY?) It wasn’t long until the cold got to everyone with CUMA SLUTRA giving head to THE ENEMA CANAL without him ever asking (which is also a pre-requisite…No?…Honestly it is, I believe it is in Article 69 of the By-Laws for Greater Chicago Hashing…Look it up).

[NOTE X 3: As of this posting there is no Article 69 of the By-Laws for Greater Chicago Hashing because the paper that was supposed to be used to print it out was accidently used to make POP registration forms and origami cranes.]

At the On-In we were greeted by TOO MUCH HEAD (not possible but still great to be greeted with) and MT. SCHWIIINGA . Prior to starting the circle, BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED attempted to get CHICKEN to delay because CALVIN KLEIN was cuming. Rather than wait, we proceeded with CHICKEN Co-RAing with EZ ON THE ASS which lasted all of about 15 minutes. It wasn’t long until CHICKEN called JUST I LEAN and THE ENEMA CANAL in the circle for being the FRBs, only to screw up “They’re the Racists” and then forget to make the FRBs drink for their original offense. It was at this point CALVIN showed up.

So let’s try this again. CUMA SLUTRA was called for feeding a parking meter with a sticker displaying “MON-SAT; 9AM-6PM.” WRAPPER SNATCHER was called into the circle for using a vessel smaller than a shot glass and was required to finish off the remnants of a pitcher. WRAPPER SNATCHER and ENEMA also received their Swiss Army CH3 10th Run Combination Whistle/Can Opener/Lanyard.

Okay this is where things get a little fuzzy. Apparently at some point during all of this craziness and debauchery the bar ran out of LaBatts (No!) and forced us to drink $5 pitchers of Harp and Blue Moon (Oh…Darn). This was the most likely reason for the strange display from ENEMA who broke down in a fit of laughter during the Scooby version of “Swing Low.” Obviously, CALVIN had no choice but to temporarily close the circle while the kennel decided on the names for JUST ROB, JUST STEVE and JUST BRIAN. JUST STEVE keeps his amateur status for now but we now have HOOSIER DADDY and THE PORCELAIN GOD.

HARES (2) – Bag Squeezer and Chicken Stiffer

FRBs/FBIs (3) – Just I Lean, The Enema Canal , and Cuma Slutra

DFL (1) – Just Jody

PERMANENT VISITOR (1) – More Tail from Boston HHH

NAMED (2) – Just Brian is The Porcelain God; Just Rob is Hoosier Daddy

THE PACK (8) – Just Tim, R-Tard-E, Wrapper Snatcher, Sir Poops A Lot, Just Steve, Salty Gash, Mouthful of Meat, Cums On I Lean

LATE ONES (9) – Just Allison, Super Stuf’her, No Penetration, It’s Too Soft, Too Much Head, EZ On The Ass, Mt. Schwiiinga , Batteries Not Included, and Calvin Klein

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1543

Buffet Does Not Trump Ceremony

By The Enema Canal
Horny Planet

Hashed Cinco de Mayo 2008, 7:00 PM
Czerwone Jabluszko (Red Apple) at 3121 N. Milwaukee Ave.

CHICAGO #1543 – Despite the actual date of the Polish Constitution Day being 2 days earlier, Polonian pride was still overflowing and ready for a little run. Virgin Banger and our well mustachioed 69-Cent Man were responsible for laying the scenic trails throughout. Due to the nature of the establishment that we were to have the On-In in, it was decided that we would all stand in front of the Red Apple like the remnants of a poorly planned Polish pride parade. As evidence of the poor planning 3 X A Lady and Just Amanda showed up in red but non-Polish attire and I Like Dick forgot that China is not even on the same continent as Poland. This contrasted with Chicken Stiffer who wore the Polish flag like a cape and Just Brian with his “Kiss Me, I’m Polish” shirt.

After a brief, actually let’s make that long since we had to go through over 30 names, introduction we finally got on our way heading Northwest (or was it Southeast?) Regardless, the usual cast of FRBs, Uploader and The Great Lochness Cockster, were leading around the pack with a gaggle of hopelessly confused virgins; Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert. Once we wandered away from Milwaukee and started running through some of the more residential areas, Uploader and The Enema Canal started to figure out the hares’ tricks and started running on opposite sides of the streets to catch the Back Checks early.

All was well until we came upon a check that got the pack lost for a good while. At first the pack decided to go left and was unable to find a third mark, then they did a 180 and went down the other way to find 2 marks. On the way back we picked up Bloody Thighs and found the true trail which lead us just around a couple of corner to the Beer Stop. Gathered on the front porch we all helped finish the cans of Okocim and pose for the Polish version of It’s Too Soft with his digital Fujifilm disposable camera (can’t wait for the pictures). Before leaving we were told of another photo op just down the trail. About this time we finally picked up R-Tard-E, Cums On I Lean, and Just I Lean who happened to just show up.
Our next photo op took us near the house filmed in “Stir of Echoes” starring Kevin Bacon. This of course now means we are now 2 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon (If we were in the movie we would be moved up to 1 degree of separation). It also means we are famous (if you don’t believe me, then why are we in the Redeye, hmmmm?) However, we have no photographic proof that any of us passed by the house, what we do have is a picture in front of the doors of the Saint Hyacinth Basilica (4 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon). With the Fujifilm disposable reaching its memory card capacity, we all headed back to the Red Apple to kill the keg.

Inside the Red Apple, Just Tim and I Like Dick lost their minds and decided that they were too hungry to wait for the circle. As Dick said “I just thought with the buffett…….blah blah blah.” Get in the circle. Just Steve showed up a bit later because he was helped by his physical training program which means he’s cheating on us. A little later he was followed by EZ On The Ass who showed up for the wrong holiday who was wearing a sombrero and a fake mustache. I mention again that everyone’s facial hair paled in comparison to 69-Cent Man’s mustache, who will likely win at the 2009 World Beard and Moustache Championships in Alaska. We also welcomed many virgins but the most memorable one was none other than Just Allison who answered Calvin’s question of “favorite barnyard animal?” was none other than “To eat or to ride?” Before the evening was over, It’s Too Soft showed up to help kill the keg by 10PM.

HARES (2): 69-Cent Man & Virgin Banger

VIRGIN TERRITORY (5): Just Allison, Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert

VISITOR (1): More Tail Boston H3

THE USUAL SUSPECTS (33): Just Brian, Just Rob, Uploader, 3 X A Lady , The Enema Canal, Puke Suit Riot, Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Joan, Just Mark , Just Angelle, Two Tickets To A Pair Of Thighs, 867-5309, Bag Squeezer, Just Tim, Calvin Klein, Takes Too Long To Cum, Rent A Virgin, Menage A Twat, No Penetration, The Great Lochness Cockster, Just Art, Just Joe, Risky Business, Sir Poops A Lot, Back Door Out Switch, Just Amanda, I Like Dick, Bloody Thighs, Polish Reporter, Wrapper Snatcher,and Lower Whackoff

THE LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): Cums On I Lean, Just I Lean, and R-Tard-E

THE REALLY LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): EZ On The Ass, Just Steve, and It’s Too Soft

Call it a wild guess but I think these hashers are having fun! Left to right is Enema Canal, our fearless Just Amanda and next week’s hare Bag Squeezer! How ’bout that for an all-star lineup!

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1542

Hash Trash: 4/27/08
Hares: Its Too Soft and Lifa
Venue: Party Central 933 W. Wolfram

HASHERS- Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Brian, Just Steve, The Enema Canal, Just Tim, Super Stuffer, Horn-E, Rotten Whore, Calvin Klein, Batteries Not Included, Just Rob, Lifa, Bloody Thighs, Wrapper Snatcher, Stab’em and Slab’em, MudSucker, Just Joan, Chip-n-Dale, Just Jody, Just Amanda, Cobwebs in the Bush, Virtually Hung, Stupid Man, Milk My YAK, Barks on All Fours, Mouthful of Meat, I Like Dick, Mount Me Puh’lzee, Mount Schwiiinga, Bag Squeezer, and Three Dogs (Not an actual name)

It was the last Sunday Hash of the season and the kennel showed up in force, testing the capacity of IT’S TOO SOFT’s skydeck. MILK MY YAK was operating, I believe, the only keg winch in Midwest existence. With the keg situated in its new home, the pack headed down to the alley for Chalk Talk. Our hares were none other than IT’S TOO SOFT and LIFA. With the talk and the introductions complete, the pack took off with I LIKE DICK, JUST JODY, and THE ENEMA CANAL in the lead.

The trail looked like it was going to be a fairly simple one but after the first check THE ENEMA CANAL got completely lost. He was able to find COBWEBS IN THE BUSH (her dog decided to mark his own trail at a most inopportune moment) to help get back on trail. Meanstwhile, CHICKEN STIFFER had started going free range and HORN-E had disappeared altogether. Up near the front VIRTUALLY HUNG, JUST JODY, JUST BRIAN, and CALVIN KLEIN were marking the true trails, the short cuts, and leaving choice words for any sweeping hares.

Unlike other hashes, the kennel was strung out from Diversey Harbor and past De Paul all the way to the beer stop which was directed by a BN, another BN, a BVN, and another BVN (That’s just cruel). The top deck of the parking garage was the perfect place to regroup and recover. The best part was quite a few of the hashers got trapped at the top behind a locked door looking out at the Fuji-mobile (slightly less popular than the Pope-mobile). CHICKEN STIFFER was the first to fall into the trap, followed by THE ENEMA CANAL who pounded the glass in futility, I LIKE DICK was next, and then ROTTEN WHORE finally showed up and became trapped with the entire pack mocking her.

With the beer check near depletion it was time to head back and IT’S TOO SOFT was on his bike when he was taken down by a corner (This is his second injury for April alone!) Feeling it was his civic duty, VIRTUALLY HUNG quickly created a chalk outline of the accident site to help IT’S TOO SOFT’s pending case on next week’s Judge Judy. With the accident site investigated we headed back down and started back to Party Central.

Once everyone had finally made it back with their puppies in baby carriages we started getting ready for the circle. The RA and GM donned their ceremonial robes and we started our singing of the hymnals. Our FRBs were JUST JODY and FLYING HOOTERS while our opposite end of the spectrum DFLs were ROTTEN WHORE and the very late BAG SQUEEZER. For making it a bestiality hash STUPID MAN, STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM, and COBWEBS were called into the circle. Despite having dogs with them, they were all pretty much near the rear of the pack, but then again STUPID MAN needs to teach his pup that you can’t hump a dog from the side. Bag Squeezer received his anointed whistle and lanyard for his tenth run, even if he did show up for just the end of it. ROTTEN WHORE and THE ENEMA CANAL were called out for their attendance of the Racist Rally in Ravenswood (12th analversary) which we later learned that BLOODY THIGHS had watched. CUMA SLUTRA and WRAPPER SNATCHER were called out for changing into their “Hey there, please sexually satisfy me boots.”

In a series of bizarre events, I LIKE DICK attempted a coup but forgot to secure support from the people for his “revoluccion.” Once the Coalition had taken back control, the accused was forced on his knees for his grievous violation and forced to drink. For all those that thought drinking out of new shoes was just an urban legend; JUST TIM and I LIKE DICK ignored the warnings and drank from their Asics-flavored vessels.

And the award for creepiest, most sleep preventing event was none other than HORN-E sticking his tongue in JUST AMANDA’s ear. So that it’s not the last thought in your mind, afterwards the circle was dissolved, SUPER STUFFER became our Iron Chef manning the grill station, and there was much inebriated socialism. Also when you see R-TARD-E and JUST I LEAN make sure you congratulate them on their elopement to Puerta Vallerta.

Hashspace Whore

Click here 4 GPS Map of da trail!


Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1541

Hash Trash: 4/20/08
Hares: Cums On I Lean, R-Tard-E
Venue: Bridgeport Inn –> Chez I Lean
VIRGINS: Just Jody
HASHER- Chicken Stiffer, Just I Lean, Cuma Slutra, Just Brian, Its Too Soft, Just Steve, KGB, The Enema Canal, Just Tim, Super Stuffer, Horn-E, Rotten Whore, Calvin Klein, Batteries Not Included, Giddy Up, Just Rob, Lifa, Bloody Thighs, Wrapper Snatcher, Happy Ass Grabber, Stab’em and Slab’em, MudSucker, Are They Real, EZ On The Ass, Just Joan, Chip-n-Dale

It’s not often the pack leaves the relative safety of the “Green Zone,” but with the change of weather it was decided to make our presence known in the SouthSide province of Bridgeport. Scouting out our trail was none other than R-TARD-E and CUMS ON I LEAN. At the chalk talk, we were told that this would be no ordinary trail as we would have not only the choice of ”Eagle” or “Turkey” but would also be presented with an “Option A” and an “Option B.” As usual, the trail began across the street and the pack was off with CHIP-N-DALE leading the way.

Crossing under the I-55 Stevie we came upon our first indication that this was indeed going to be an interesting trail. With an arrow pointing into a fenced-in yard, THE ENEMA CANAL took one look at the building and opened the gate and crossed the yard with WRAPPER SNATCHER, JUST JODY, and HAPPY ASS GRABBER right behind. Unfortunately the other gate was locked and the owner (squatter) came out looking at us all perplexed as we exited the yard.

While HAPPY ASS GRABBER was busy scaling the fence, JUST BRIAN and EZ ON THE ASS were already up the stairs and leading the pack along the railway. It wasn’t until the entire pack was already up on the tracks that we realized that we had fallen for a false trail. After some time, the pack picked up on the trail and began to lead us south of Archer Ave. After some time we came upon the Beer Stop only to find that our Hares were late. As we stood there plotting mutiny, R-TARD-E, CUMS ON I LEAN, and SUPER STUFFER showed up with our long awaited beer.

We have no idea how we ended up on the Eagle but after about 10 minutes we came upon a Back Check 54! Dumbfounded some of the pack like JUST TIM, GIDDY UP and STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM posed for one finger salutes while CHICKEN STIFFER was off looking for a shortcut. Arriving back at the Beer Stop, the pack led by CHIP-N-DALE and our virgin JUST JODY was busy getting to “Option A” and “Option B.” They took “Option A” which pissed off one of the nicest ladies we ever met hashing. She and CALVIN KLEIN engaged in metaphysical conversation while the rest of us decided to go with “Option B.”

At the On-In at Chez Cums on I Lean we enjoyed chips and smores prior to holding the circle. JUST JOAN showed up out of nowhere and BELLA the Malti-Lick-Poo (It’s a Maltese/Hasher/ Poodle mix) made a return appearance. Hash Hymnals were passed around and JUST BRIAN received his whistle for his 10th CH3 run. Our DFL was ARE THEY REAL after arriving when the circle was already halfway done. For his disruptive behavior, HAPPY ASS GRABBER was made an example of, forced to assume the position. LIFA was asked in his infinite experience to demonstrate Down Downs for our virgin. Certain members of the pack were unaccounted for but EZ ON THE ASS and MUD SUCKER are sure to show once again. After the closing of the circle many of us went to preview the site of next hash which we have been assured will be ready for the opening ceremonies, just like in Beijing.

Freelance Hasher