Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1547

It’s Naughty-cal!

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed the 2nd of June 2008 , 7:30PM ( 8:30 Eastern)
The Weather Mark

CHICAGO #1547 – Get ready to put on your big yellow rubbers including those funny hats because we’re hashing out of a Sox and Seamen themed bar. On second thought with the way the heat has been lately it’s very likely that you may overheat, pass out, and then require rescue breathing from MR. CHEESECAKE. Okay so put on those running shoes, wrap up your broken metacarpals, and make sure you are wearing pants because it’s time to scare the local South Loop population.

It’s not every hash that we get to follow trail out of South Loop (Not SoLo…I mean seriously, I don’t know who thinks it’s cool to call it SoLo, but enough is enough) and as such this was quite a treat for those that arrived. After much discussion, THE ENEMA CANAL and MAGNETIC MUFF decided to lead the pack on a scenic route through Museum Park as opposed to the scenic run around the 1st District Police HQ. Meanwhile, IT’S TOO SOFT was contemplating if he should get another Snickers bar from the vending machine. Anticipating multiple FRBs, the hares went a little crazy with Checks, Falses, and Splits all around the area.

After a grueling hour and half of laying trail, the hares returned to see that HOOSIER DADDY and JUST BRETT had arrived along with others. EZ ON THE ASS was there which meant that there was probably nobody watching any of the prisoners (I don’t think that is in Jody Weis’s plan). Cuming up on 9:30PM Nova Scotia time, we started heading out for the traditional chalk talk. Virgins JUST ALEXIS, JUST AMY, and JUST JESSICA were brought forward so they could get a look at the marks which they’ll likely ignore anyways. We then went around the circle calling out our names to no-one in general and then took off towards the safety of the North. Some of the group must have seen the wild look in the hares’ eyes as STUPID MAN (Not so stupid now, huh?), STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM, and CUMS ON I LEAN decided to stay back at the bar after the introductions. MAGNETIC MUFF swept the trail while THE ENEMA CANAL readied the Beer Stop.

JUST I LEAN and the easily distracted R-TARD-E were the first to come upon the first False which came off a split in the first 5 minutes of the run. Then within the first 10 minutes of the run, the pack came upon their first Turkey/Eagle Split which some completed and others like JUST JULIA decided to ignore (cum to think about it, who gave her authorization to modify her hash uniform and ignore current regulations?). For those that didn’t run it, the Eagle trail was 20 feet longer than the 230 foot long Turkey . IT’S TOO SOFT was trying to see if he could break through that porno firewall that the IT guys put in last week; he was unsuccessful and called it a day. The trail then took everyone closer towards 11th street and then on over towards the lake as they encountered the second Turkey/Eagle Split.

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and HOOSIER DADDY opted to take the lakeside Eagle route so that they could pretend to be normal runners as they went around the Shedd Aquarium. JUST I LEAN was close behind and almost broke his other metacarpals as he scaled the blocks at the end of the Eagle, while CHICKEN STIFFER was being tripped and mugged behind the Shedd. At about this time ITS TOO SOFT was getting into his car and started to head down towards the “Green Zone” and STUPID MAN was ordering another beer (he wasn’t winded either). As the pack rejoined, they started heading through the Police Memorial Path and then past Soldier Field. CHICKEN was leading the way towards the McCormick Place and was first up the back entrance (or side entrance). From his vantage point, ENEMA spotted 867-5309 hopping up and down with her hands raised in victory like Rocky when she reached the top of the McCormick Place .

At about this time the pack worked their way up to the land bridge between the two sides of the McCormick. JUST JESSICA and CUMA SLUTRA were looking at the last split and debated trying the non-conspicuous door which opened when they tried it. HORN-E quickly spun around and followed the rest of the pack through the McCormick. So what did they see in there? Well apparently someone was working late on their laptop and looked up to see the kennel run by, which perplexed him to no end, along with the cleaning crews. As for the infamous security, they were just as dumbfounded as they stood outside of the Hyatt entrance only to see more than 20 people run by them. IT’S TOO SOFT was, on the other hand, dumbfounded by the lady on the cell phone that just forcibly merged into his lane only to stop at the light while it was still yellow. He was so dumbfounded that he wanted to take his Oscar Mayer whistle and plug it up her tailpipe.

Clearing the McCormick, JUST JULIA was the first to discover the Beer Stop. Secluded, out-of-the way, and with cars covered in cement (just splashes, not completely) the Beer Stop featured Old Style and Bud Light. As STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM said “We walked half a mile from a bar with good beer for Old Style! Oh Boy!” While some claim that she was being sarcastic, I know that she really was having trouble expressing her feelings of joy. Sort of like IT’S TOO SOFT was having trouble expressing his feelings through his middle finger to the rest of the Lincoln Park traffic. Instead of taking the 18th Street Walkway, JUST JOAN became our DFL for the Beer Stop.

So, fast forward to the On-In. With the absence of CALVIN KLEIN, ENEMA would have to RA tonight (butterflys, or is it barflys?). While his skills could still use a bit of polish, he was able to make to the end and hit all of the important points.

FRB? Check. FBIs? Check. Announcements? Check. Re-Boots? Check. Virgins? What is your name? Where are you from? Who made you cum? What’s your favorite farm animal? (Did JUST ALEXIS say Crocodile? And did JUST AMY say “Sheep are always good?” Oh, well.) “SIR POOP A LOT will you demonstrate (like you have a choice)?” Thank You. Get out of my circle. DFL? Check. NRBs? Check. IT’s TOO SOFT here? Check. “Okay, vessels on the ground…Men’s version…Women’s version…May the hash go in peace!”

But it wasn’t over, it was time for a naming. 2 Hashers entered for naming (JUST TIM and JUST STEVE) but only one left with a name. And so JUST STEVE was renamed to ICE PRINCESS with the runner up of “Men Only” which was in reference to some sort of bathroom thing (I don’t know). Afterwords, somehow ENEMA, ICE PRINCESS, and CUMA SLUTRA go on to the subject of…kittens…yeah that’s it they were talking about “kittens.” If you don’t believe me just ask BATTERIES.

HARES (Dos!): Magnetic Muff and The Enema Canal
VIRGINS (Tres!): Just Alexis, Just Amy, Just Jessica
HASHER (Catorce!…um 23): Just Brett, Moldy Man Sac, 867-5309, R-Tard-E, Sir Poops A Lot, Just Tim, Just Julia, Batteries Not Included, Just Amanda, Cuma Slutra, Its Too Soft, Stupid Man, Stab’em and Slab’em, Mudsucker, Ice Princess (formerly Just Steve) , EZ on the Ass, Mr. Cheesecake, Cums On I Lean, Just I Lean, Just Joan, Horn-E, Chicken Stiffer, and Hoosier Daddy,

TOTAL: 2 Hares and 26 Hashers (or 13 Hashers per Hare)