Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1545

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed 19 May 2008, 7:30 PM
Double Bubble at 6036 N. Broadway

CHICAGO #1545 � �Ummm, this is a little different than I�m used to. The Brown line isn�t this�creepy,� said MOUTHFUL OF MEAT as she was heading to the Double Bubble in Uptown. This phrase would foreshadow the idiocy to follow.

Upon learning that the hares for this hash were none other than SUPER STUF�HER, JUST I LEAN, and R-TARD-E; many of the hashers were frightened off as was evident by the high number of JUSTs that showed up. JUST JULIA, JUST SCOTT, JUST SHEDI, JUST JOHN, JUST ANGELLE, and JUST TIFFANY were some of our less frequent JUSTs. Rounding out the JUSTs was JUST TIM and JUST AMANDA (holy crap! We have enough to start up a JUST HHH or a bowling league!)

Apparently R-TARD-E fame has yet to leave the general Chicago area, as we also had three foolish visitors that showed up. MASTERCHUGGER came all the way from Houston along with PIPES who is originally from the Hamersly HHH (I believe it�s a Houston suburb) and finally was CREAMIN AND SCREAMIN from Waukesha. Of the three of them, only PIPES showed enough sense to stay at the Double Bubble and drink while the others ran the trail.

As the �Running of the Hares� approached, R-TARD-E attempted to give his Chalk Talk lecture. Due to the high amount of confusion, CHICKEN STIFFER was forced to step up and act as our R-TARD-ese (or is it R-TARD-ish?) translator. Even with this translation it was evident that our virgin, JUST TIFFANY, may become completely lost even with R-TARD-E sweeping.

Thankfully, we had enough hash veterans that could lead all of our JUSTs to the Beer Stop and then the On-In (we hope). With the introductions complete, we set off heading away from downtown. It wasn�t long until we had discovered that this would definitely be a�what�s the word I�m looking for�hmmm�Oh! That�s it!…A �Shitty� (NOTE: Finger quotes necessary) trail! The 3rd mark we encountered was scratched out because it pointed back to the bar!

For those that weren�t there and those looking to hare, now is the time for �Good Idea, Bad Idea.� Good Idea: pre-laying the trail so you don�t have to worry about running your trail before the On-Out. Bad Idea: pre-laying the trail 2 days before the hash! Yes, the hares laid the trail a whole 2 days before.

So, back to the trail. Ahem�So after the 3rd mark we found ourselves running some very long straight-aways which could only mean that the Hares had a special destination for us. JUST TIM, JUST JOHN, and CALVIN KLEIN led the pack most of the way until we started getting into more residential areas that would soon split up the pack. As normal, HORN-E started searching for trail off-trail while CHICKEN did the same. The bimbos were also being competitive that day with MORE TAIL and JUST AMANDA fighting for the pole position.

Most of the Checks and Splits that were left for the pack to run were solved almost immediately by the FRBs with the exception of one, allowing MAGENTIC MUFF and MUDSUCKER to catch up. THE ENEMA CANAL headed west to find trail only to give up and head back to the Check. Upon seeing him I LIKE DICK, with his headphones on and hands in his pocket, be-bopped past ENEMA and asked �So, did you find it?�

3X A LADY was able to pick up the trail and the pack slowly made its way toward the ocean�err�Lake Michigan. Due to rising prices worldwide, the hares were unable to purchase flour for trail (mostly attributed to the food riots at the Aldi on N. Broadway). As such, the trail took us through Hartigan Park where STUF�HER and I LEAN marked every rock they could with chalk. It was also at this park that JUST TIM was caught being chivalrous, allowing a harriette to pass through a gate ahead of him.

After clearing the park, we found ourselves ignoring the Splits that pointed at walls and fences. No-one was planning to climb fences around Loyola with Campus Police patrolling. Bouncing from boulder to boulder JUST JOHN and 3 X A LADY discovered the Beer Stop. Soon everyone arrived with MAGNETIC MUFF taking the last 70� Budweiser, forcing HORN-E and SIR POOPS A LOT to choke down 98.6� Bud Lights. The real surprise was the arrival of CHIPPENDALE, whom arrived last to become our DFL, although he blames the sweeping hare for poor sweepery.

With the warm beer vanquished we headed back to the On-In to meet up with IT�s TOO SOFT and JUST JOAN. With the crowd all gathered CALVIN introduced his RA-in-Training, THE ENEMA CANAL. Unfortunately, with his recent accomplishment of being the FRB, as well as yelling �I LIKE DICK� in a gay bar at Indy Prom Dress; ENEMA dragged CALVIN into a couple of Down-Downs. Fueled with $5 beer pitchers the RA�s struck back.

FBIs CREAMIN AND SCREAMIN and CUMS ON I LEAN were brought in to drink for crime of competiveness. Afterwards MORE TAIL was called out for stripping on trail while JUST TIM was called out for his chivalry. CHICKEN STIFFER was cited for his poor translation of R-TARD-ish, neglecting to tell us of the Turkey and Eagle trails. The bartender was not immune, as he was forced to drink a Down-Down. PETERBILT demonstrated the fastest (and sloppiest) Down-Down to date for our virgin. We all said our farewells to CHIPPENDALE who will willingly(?) welcome us to visit him in Denver (where the shorts go even higher). To celebrate or mourn her birthday, we sang the Birthday Dirge for BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. But of course, the most important task to fulfill was to help raise the average number of down-downs for I LIKE DICK�s spreadsheet.

�What can I say? CALVIN hates me. I do more Down-Downs than anyone else. I do 3.15 Down-Downs per hash. I�ve got a spreadsheet.� Well, that number has gone up.

HARE (3) � Just I Lean, Super Stuf�her and R-Tard-E

VISITOR (3) � Master Chugger from Houston HHH, Pipes from Hamersley HHH, Creamin and Screamin from Waukesha HHH(sucks!)

VIRGIN (1) � Just Tiffany

THE PACK (23) � Horn-E, The Enema Canal, Calvin Klein, Just Amanda, Milk My Yak, Just Tim, Sir Poops A Lot, Mouthful of Meat, Cums On I Lean, Just Scott, Just Julia, Just Shedi, Just John, 3x A Lady, Mudsucker, Anal Assault, More Tail, Magnetic Muff, Virgin Banger, I Like Dick, Chippendale, Chicken Stiffer & Just Angelle

AT THE BAR (5) � It�s Too Soft, Just Joan, Batteries Not Included & Peterbilt, Soar Balls,

TOTAL � 35