Chicago Hash House Harriers

Nellie Darling, You Suck!
By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times
Hashed 16+7=23 June 2008, 7PM
Party Central Skydeck

CHICAGO #1550 – It took the hashers a little while to get use to the camera, after all you never know when you are going to show up on COPS! According to CHICKEN STIFFER the camera was just there for some sort of Comcast Sports show (Runner’s Ultimate Network), although it is my personal belief that they were anthropologists, sort of like Jane Goodall. After some prodding, people began to open up and talk to the camera like BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED.
There were quite a few people that hadn’t been around lately that finally showed up after apparently learning how to use the internet once again. CUM IN MY ASSFAULT had been missing since Easter as well as JUST NORA, showing up for her second time (hopefully she understands that she is not going to get fed at every hash). ONE HANDED TYPIST and HOOKED ON TONICS also made an appearance to prove to the rest of the hash that they have not died or moved to Kathmandu. While those mentioned came fashionably late, others just came fashionable. Many had on their 30 Years of Hashing shirts from the weekend to include THE ENEMA CANAL, BLOODY THIGHS, PRINCESS LABIA, and JUST BRETT. JUST EMILY had the most interesting shirt of all with the words “Sludge Muffins” on it.
After some brief pre-intoxication the hashers were finally herded down to the alley behind Party Central so there could be discussions of marks. VIRTUALLY HUNG had already departed by that time and left the Chalk Talk to CHICKEN as the Brown Line roared past to drown out our introductions. With CHICKEN having no idea which way VIRTUAL went to, our Chalk Talk turned into our first Check. CROP DUSTER and MOLDY MAN SAC went north to look for trail while ENEMA decided to head south to look for trail only to stop dead in their tracks and head back. SUPER STUFF’HER, CUMS ON I LEAN, R-TARD-E, and JUST I LEAN slowly brought up the rear as they took turn wearing the manly doggie backpack and walking Beulah the non-drinking dog.
But what we all really care about is what happened afterwards under the guidance of CALVIN KLEIN and ENEMA. Due to all the virgins that had arrived, it became necessary to show them how to do a proper down-down, so we called out MORE TAIL and another hasher (who will remain nameless because he lost his Trial by Down-Down) to show the Virgins how to empty their vessels. You would think that people would learn not to wear new shoes but JUST ED noticed that ANAL ASSAULT had picked up a bright new pair of Asics. To thank him for his keen sense of sight we had him drink from the left as she drank from the right (now that’s teamwork). With all the hashers there it wasn’t unusual for there to be a lot of side conversations and we called out a few for being disruptive. It came to the RA’s notice that W’ALL BANGHER couldn’t keep quiet while HORN-E was reading a letter to the kennel so she was asked to keep quiet by Down-Down. Of course nobody learns so we also had to pull in ROTTEN WHORE for the same reason (surprise, surprise!) and then JUST BRETT who apparently defeated our arm-straightening pipe (the guy is just too big).
UPLOADER also received the fabled 10th run whistle so now he can tell the rest of us where true trail is. Finally, we had a very interesting take on Nellie Darling as we returned her book which was lost last week and chanted “You Suck” in between every line. So set your TIVOs to record on the 5th of July because that’s all the info you’re getting from me.
HARES (4): Chicken Stiffer, Virtually Hung, Calvin Klein, It’s Too Soft
VIRGINS (7): Just Brad, Just Ira, Just Leah, Just Ines, Just Kelly, Just Adam, Just Cari,
VISITORS (2): Hot Lips (Grand Rapids), Fuck Me til I Turn Brown (Boston),
HASHERS (52): Anal Assault, The Enema Canal, Just Brett, Just Amanda, Just I Lean, Risky Business, Cumma Slutra, Cums On I Lean, Batteries Not Included, R-Tard-E, Crop Duster, Salty Gash, Sit-n-Pee (Just Ed), Just Allie, One Handed Typist, Just Jenn, Just Eva, Moldy Man Sac, 867-5309, More Tail, Odor Eater, Rotten Whore, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Barry-o-man Loan, Just Bill, Dr. Poolittle, Bloody Thighs, Horn-E, Just Nora, Super Stuf’Her, Mouthful of Meat, Just Nettie, International Virgin, Princess Labia, W’all Bangher, Porcelain God, 2 Tickets to a Pair of Thighs, The Great Lochness Cockster, Stupidman (Kenosha Sucks), Cum in My Assfault, Just Emily, Sir Poops A Lot, Moan On Trail, Hooked on Tonics, Just John, Just Shari, Just Emily, Mount Schwiiinga, Carpet Shagger, Just Allison, Uploader
CUBS – 3
W. SOX – 0
TOTAL HASHERS – 65
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Odor Eater cries everytime he watches “Little Women.”
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It’s Naughty-cal!

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed the 2nd of June 2008 , 7:30PM ( 8:30 Eastern)
The Weather Mark

CHICAGO #1547 – Get ready to put on your big yellow rubbers including those funny hats because we’re hashing out of a Sox and Seamen themed bar. On second thought with the way the heat has been lately it’s very likely that you may overheat, pass out, and then require rescue breathing from MR. CHEESECAKE. Okay so put on those running shoes, wrap up your broken metacarpals, and make sure you are wearing pants because it’s time to scare the local South Loop population.

It’s not every hash that we get to follow trail out of South Loop (Not SoLo…I mean seriously, I don’t know who thinks it’s cool to call it SoLo, but enough is enough) and as such this was quite a treat for those that arrived. After much discussion, THE ENEMA CANAL and MAGNETIC MUFF decided to lead the pack on a scenic route through Museum Park as opposed to the scenic run around the 1st District Police HQ. Meanwhile, IT’S TOO SOFT was contemplating if he should get another Snickers bar from the vending machine. Anticipating multiple FRBs, the hares went a little crazy with Checks, Falses, and Splits all around the area.

After a grueling hour and half of laying trail, the hares returned to see that HOOSIER DADDY and JUST BRETT had arrived along with others. EZ ON THE ASS was there which meant that there was probably nobody watching any of the prisoners (I don’t think that is in Jody Weis’s plan). Cuming up on 9:30PM Nova Scotia time, we started heading out for the traditional chalk talk. Virgins JUST ALEXIS, JUST AMY, and JUST JESSICA were brought forward so they could get a look at the marks which they’ll likely ignore anyways. We then went around the circle calling out our names to no-one in general and then took off towards the safety of the North. Some of the group must have seen the wild look in the hares’ eyes as STUPID MAN (Not so stupid now, huh?), STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM, and CUMS ON I LEAN decided to stay back at the bar after the introductions. MAGNETIC MUFF swept the trail while THE ENEMA CANAL readied the Beer Stop.

JUST I LEAN and the easily distracted R-TARD-E were the first to come upon the first False which came off a split in the first 5 minutes of the run. Then within the first 10 minutes of the run, the pack came upon their first Turkey/Eagle Split which some completed and others like JUST JULIA decided to ignore (cum to think about it, who gave her authorization to modify her hash uniform and ignore current regulations?). For those that didn’t run it, the Eagle trail was 20 feet longer than the 230 foot long Turkey . IT’S TOO SOFT was trying to see if he could break through that porno firewall that the IT guys put in last week; he was unsuccessful and called it a day. The trail then took everyone closer towards 11th street and then on over towards the lake as they encountered the second Turkey/Eagle Split.

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and HOOSIER DADDY opted to take the lakeside Eagle route so that they could pretend to be normal runners as they went around the Shedd Aquarium. JUST I LEAN was close behind and almost broke his other metacarpals as he scaled the blocks at the end of the Eagle, while CHICKEN STIFFER was being tripped and mugged behind the Shedd. At about this time ITS TOO SOFT was getting into his car and started to head down towards the “Green Zone” and STUPID MAN was ordering another beer (he wasn’t winded either). As the pack rejoined, they started heading through the Police Memorial Path and then past Soldier Field. CHICKEN was leading the way towards the McCormick Place and was first up the back entrance (or side entrance). From his vantage point, ENEMA spotted 867-5309 hopping up and down with her hands raised in victory like Rocky when she reached the top of the McCormick Place .

At about this time the pack worked their way up to the land bridge between the two sides of the McCormick. JUST JESSICA and CUMA SLUTRA were looking at the last split and debated trying the non-conspicuous door which opened when they tried it. HORN-E quickly spun around and followed the rest of the pack through the McCormick. So what did they see in there? Well apparently someone was working late on their laptop and looked up to see the kennel run by, which perplexed him to no end, along with the cleaning crews. As for the infamous security, they were just as dumbfounded as they stood outside of the Hyatt entrance only to see more than 20 people run by them. IT’S TOO SOFT was, on the other hand, dumbfounded by the lady on the cell phone that just forcibly merged into his lane only to stop at the light while it was still yellow. He was so dumbfounded that he wanted to take his Oscar Mayer whistle and plug it up her tailpipe.

Clearing the McCormick, JUST JULIA was the first to discover the Beer Stop. Secluded, out-of-the way, and with cars covered in cement (just splashes, not completely) the Beer Stop featured Old Style and Bud Light. As STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM said “We walked half a mile from a bar with good beer for Old Style! Oh Boy!” While some claim that she was being sarcastic, I know that she really was having trouble expressing her feelings of joy. Sort of like IT’S TOO SOFT was having trouble expressing his feelings through his middle finger to the rest of the Lincoln Park traffic. Instead of taking the 18th Street Walkway, JUST JOAN became our DFL for the Beer Stop.

So, fast forward to the On-In. With the absence of CALVIN KLEIN, ENEMA would have to RA tonight (butterflys, or is it barflys?). While his skills could still use a bit of polish, he was able to make to the end and hit all of the important points.

FRB? Check. FBIs? Check. Announcements? Check. Re-Boots? Check. Virgins? What is your name? Where are you from? Who made you cum? What’s your favorite farm animal? (Did JUST ALEXIS say Crocodile? And did JUST AMY say “Sheep are always good?” Oh, well.) “SIR POOP A LOT will you demonstrate (like you have a choice)?” Thank You. Get out of my circle. DFL? Check. NRBs? Check. IT’s TOO SOFT here? Check. “Okay, vessels on the ground…Men’s version…Women’s version…May the hash go in peace!”

But it wasn’t over, it was time for a naming. 2 Hashers entered for naming (JUST TIM and JUST STEVE) but only one left with a name. And so JUST STEVE was renamed to ICE PRINCESS with the runner up of “Men Only” which was in reference to some sort of bathroom thing (I don’t know). Afterwords, somehow ENEMA, ICE PRINCESS, and CUMA SLUTRA go on to the subject of…kittens…yeah that’s it they were talking about “kittens.” If you don’t believe me just ask BATTERIES.

HARES (Dos!): Magnetic Muff and The Enema Canal
VIRGINS (Tres!): Just Alexis, Just Amy, Just Jessica
HASHER (Catorce!…um 23): Just Brett, Moldy Man Sac, 867-5309, R-Tard-E, Sir Poops A Lot, Just Tim, Just Julia, Batteries Not Included, Just Amanda, Cuma Slutra, Its Too Soft, Stupid Man, Stab’em and Slab’em, Mudsucker, Ice Princess (formerly Just Steve) , EZ on the Ass, Mr. Cheesecake, Cums On I Lean, Just I Lean, Just Joan, Horn-E, Chicken Stiffer, and Hoosier Daddy,

TOTAL: 2 Hares and 26 Hashers (or 13 Hashers per Hare)

20, 20, 24 Hours To Go (202024 hours = 23 years)

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed 25 May 2008, 2:17 PM
Chalet von Virgin Banger und Renta Virgin

Come and visit beautiful Lincoln Square in the spring (before it turns into winter), site of the famous Claddagh Ring (now offering Wi-Fi and Guinness at 2306 W. Foster)! This is your starting point for a lovely day that includes fierce competition, light drinking, and of course gentle romping in the grass.

Your day will start off as you and any virgins you bring along will arrive as early as you can for a chance to own one of the highly coveted technical hash t-shirts (limited to the first 30 to show up and pay). With this technical gear, not only will you become an FRB but you will be able to look as good as the hares RENTA VIRGIN, VIRGIN BANGER, and SMELL THIS. Just ask WRAPPER SNATCHER and THE PORCELAIN GOD as they camped out in front of the Claddagh Ring a whole 45 minutes before the On-Out. But remember, it�s not unusual for supplies to run out as early as 1:47 PM.

As the time nears for our 4th annual game of Hide and Go Fu�uh…Seek, you�ll meet old friends such as BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF and 3 X A LADY as well as new friends like Cubbies supporter JUST ED and SALTY GASH�s brother SAVORY GASH (okay, okay, his name is JUST JOHN). So anyways you get to meet people. If you are a longtime hasher you get to meet people you already know, if you�re a virgin hopefully you don�t recognize anybody you work with.

To ensure that your journey is started off in a nice and organized manner, our Hospitality Hares will provide a brief lecture explaining the different types of Hash Marks that you will likely miss without a trained eye. To help contrast with the light grey sidewalk, we�ll use chalk colours (oooh fancy, the Brits use a �U� with color) like pink, white, and gray. If you�re a virgin like JUST MIN� then just follow HORN-E and the sound of his horn as he leads you somewhere. R-TARD-E will also ensure you get to your destination eventually unless he confuses JUST I LEAN with JUST EILEEN.

Your first destination on your journey will take you around the lovely neighborhoods where you have the option to run through a soccer game. Numerous checks will slow down the FRBs and provide CUNT-N-PASTIES the chance to trip THE ENEMA CANAL, who will barely recover at the last moment. Don�t think that tripping is unacceptable, because it�s not, and neither is running back and forth in the park looking for true trail like DICKENS CIDER. But it will all be worth it as you arrive at the Casa de NO PENETRATION where the first 50 hashers will receive a frosty, aluminum wrapped beverage. But make sure you go to the right place because the other house may be hash friendly and ask �Are you coming in?� but they don�t carry American beer.

From the first Beer Stop we�ll head to the House of BLOODY THIGHS. Along the way you may see ROTTEN WHORE using here phone on trail for some sort of emergency. You can also expect ENEMA to disappear off trail to get sprayed down by perplexed gardeners, leaving DICKENS CIDER to FBI the way in. Once you arrive, pick your teams quickly or you might lose to EZ ON THE ASS�s team which is on a winning streak. The key to Izzy Dizzy is to make sure you don�t hurt yourself when you fall like BAGSQUEEZER. But if you hurt yourself, grab BLOODY THIGHS�s 10 year old frozen peas and wrap them around your hand like JUST I LEAN before you head to the final Beer Stop.

At the final Beer Stop you�ll meet up with JUST STEVE, JUST CRYSTAL, CALVIN KLEIN, and BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED who will direct you to a lovely game of �Duck, Duck, Goose.� The key is to remember that when you tag your Goose make sure they are slower than you and make sure you have checked the tread on your hashing shoes, you don�t want to slip like JUST JODY. Also it helps to remember where the Goose sat because you don�t want to end up in the middle because you sat in the wrong spot like RENTA VIRGIN and ODOR EATER. Unfortunately, there won�t be a winner as we�ll have to leave early for the On-In.

And when your journey is finally complete, you can expect some fine dining choices from our executive chefs PETERBILT and CALVIN KLEIN (both AAA 4-Diamond chefs, they actually trained Charlie Trotter). After LIFA dons the Cone of Silence he will inevitably harass everyone until they pour beer down his cone. ALCOHOLIDAY will sing �24 Hours I Masturbated� while encouraging people to take a hit from the Flabongo. BRRR from Austin will show that the top of her head is a good place to set down your beer (HMMM) by balancing a sippy cup of beer. Speaking of sippy cups, we like babies but keep them away from the pitchers or we may crush them during Izzy Dizzy (NOTE: SQUEEZE THESE and SPECKIE have confirmed the children are forever traumatized).

So whether you�d rather cum for PETERBILT and CALVIN�s food, or play Flippy Cup with PRINCESS LABIA and MAGNETIC MUFF, or lay on top of other hashers like JUST TIM and THE GREAT LOCKNESS COCKSTER did, cum on out to Californ�er�Lincoln Square. We�d love to have you out here so you can look through the cupboards and in the oven like ENEMA and DONKEY PUNCH did or just relax playing bags like ASSFLAC and TOO MUCH HEAD. If your lucky you can be a sibling for newly adopted BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF. So book your ticket today and we’ll keep the Goose Island chilled for ya.

HARES (5): Renta Virgin, Smell This, Virgin Banger, Peterbilt, Calvin Klein,
VIRGINS (6): Just John, Just Brett, Just Tony, Just Eileen, Just Krystal, Just Min�
VISITORS (4): Flag No Pole (Aloha H3), Alcoholiday (Vegas), BRRR (Austin, Texas), Donkey Punch (Indyscent)
HASHERS (59): Two Tickets to a Pair of Thighs; The Great Lockness Cockster; Its Too Soft; Chicken Stiffer; Horn-E; Bag Squeezer; Lower Whackoff; Just Jody; Cuma Slutra; Necropiliac; 867-5309; Too Much Head; Wrapper Snatcher; The Porecelain God; Just Ed; Special Head; The Enema Canal; UpLoader; Stump Humper; Salty Gash; Johnny Cockring; Foot-n-Mouth; Princess Labia; EZ on the Ass; Lifa; Cunt-n-Pasties, Flying Hooters; Bloody Thighs; Likes it on the Bottom; Bank of Spermamerica; R-Tard-E; Takes too long too Cum; Rotten Whore; Odor Eater; Hoosier Daddy; Dickens Cider; 3 x a Lady, Just Steve; W�all Bangher; Batteries not Included; Squeeze These; Speckie; Packher Ass; Cums on I Lean; Just I Lean; Hot Pants; The KGB; Ram Van Thank You Ma�am; Man-o-Whore; Or-G; Asspocket; Just Mark; Just Julia; Just Tim; Bang Me, Blow Me, Get Me Off; Magnetic Muff, Assflac
OTHER NOTEABLES: No Penetration (beer stop 1) and I have no idea who just walked or showed up late.

TOTAL: 69 and 5 hares if we split them. 75 with No Penetration.