Laying Trail Sucks. Literally.
By The Enema Canal
Hashed 16 June 2008, 7PM
Lottie’s (Dottie, We Likes to Party)
CHICAGO #1549 – Just ask GIDDY UP. Waking up after a fantastic night unlike anything she’s ever experienced, she discovers that her co-hare, VIRTUALLY HUNG, is a vampire. And Surprise! Now she’s one too. For some hares, the whole running-and-drinking thing would have been a deal breaker. But VIRTUAL and GIDDY UP are hashers, and they vow to work through their Checks.
But word has it that the hare who initially laid trail wasn’t supposed to be recruiting. Even worse, VIRTUAL’s erstwhile turkey-bowling pals are out to get him, at the urging of a red-haired Austin call girl named (duh) BRRR! And that really sucks.
If you recently picked up the literary gem “You Suck” by Christopher Moore, not only did you have an instant savings of $3.49 from Borders but THE ENEMA CANAL now has your book for safe keeping since the staff at 1925 W. Cortland will watch your bags but they are not keeping a library.
With the weather getting warmer one has to wonder if Hashers actually have some legal form of employment because the number of hashers showing up for Monday night is getting to the point where we are taking over the bars. “Now seating party of 40!” There are always your familiar faces like CUMS ON I LEAN, HORN-E, and JUST I LEAN. And there are the less than frequent like INTERNATIONAL VIRGIN, UP LOADER, MOLDY MAN SAC and JUST AMANDA. But now we are getting people we ran out of town like PRICK OF THE LITTER who lives down in Nashville town. It doesn’t matter as long as everyone pays their Hash Cash and makes an attempt to get lost (which is why you pay first.)
We also had a high number of virgins, 7 total (Mohammed has 4 and 20 virgins [with comments like this I’m going on the naughty list like Salman Rushdie]). JUSTs RENI, MANDY, MARTHA, EVA, ANDREA, EMILY, and JENNA for one reason or another showed up with probably not the slightest idea of what was to happen. Of course they should be okay as VIRTUAL’s explanation of Hash Marks is always easy to understand. I still believe that DR. FUCKS A LOT from Buffalo (He didn’t go to 4 years of fucking medical school to be called “mister”) was still confused how we did things here. We introduced ourselves to the virgins while TWO TICKETS TO A PAIR OF THIGHS tried to blend in with them. And then we dispersed like a flash mob hopped up on caffeine.
The day that JUST JOHN was introduced to hashing, the FRBs must have taught him all the wrong things ass he was passing up THE PORCELAIN GOD and CROP DUSTER on the trail. Meanwhile JUST AMY was busy chatting about awesome yoga stretches with her virgin. W’ALL BANGHER was looking very determined to be one of the front runners as she was prepared with her blue knee pads. As for CHICKEN STIFFER and HORN-E, if past experiences serve me well, they were probably far off trail hoping to find a short cut.
The hares, whom still suck, were particularly mean today as they circle jerked and zig-zagged the trail back and forth. LIFA enjoys these trails while R-TARD-E is just trying to be the DFL, again and again and again. Which brings us to our non-descript beer stop which at least one hasher almost ran right by. ENEMA played a cruel joke on HORN-E by handing him an empty beer (acceptable hash behavior) to which HORN-E replied by opening his slightly shaken beer into ENEMA’s ear (also acceptable). CUMS ON I LEAN somehow beat all the other bimbos and was actually the FBI to the beer stop which means that all the others should be ashamed on themselves to losing to a “Walker” (Not that this is competitive by any means.)
So let’s fast forward to the On-In. Multiple hashers decided to harass our waitress with food orders thereby preventing the free flow of beer, shame on all of you involved especially JUST ALEXIS who should feed her tapeworm before she leaves the house. Amazingly a lot of NRB showed up to include MOUNT SCHWIINGA, TOO MUCH HEAD, WRAPPER SNATCHER, SALTY GASH, JUST CLAIRE, and I LIKE DICK (who oddly enough was behaving). BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and CUMS ON I LEAN were of immense help keeping vessels wet with the good stuff as the very noisy circle was going on, exhausting the Apprentice RAs repertoire of songs. Speaking of songs, we all learned it is hard to say “THE GREAT LOCHNESS COCKSTER has two but very small” fast enough to get to the next line.
HARES (2.5): Giddy Up, Virtually Hung, Giddy Up’s Driver
VIRGINS (7): Just Reni, Just Emily, Just Mandy, Just Martha, Just Eva, Just Andrea, Just Jenna
VISITORS (3): Dr. Fucks a Lot (Buffalo), Prick of the Litter (Nashville), BRRR (Austin)
HASHERS [with almost half being NRBs] (39): Two Tickets to a Pair of Thighs, The Great Lockness Cockster, Its Too Soft, Chicken Stiffer, Horn-E, 867-5309, Too Much Head, Wrapper Snatcher, The Porecelain God, Sit-n-pee? (Just Ed), The Enema Canal, UpLoader, Salty Gash, EZ on the Ass, Likes it on the Bottom, R-Tard-E, W’all Bangher, Batteries not Included, Cums on I Lean, Just I Lean, Mouthful of Meat, Just Alexis, Just Claire, Just Nettie, Mount Schwiiinga, Just John, More Tail, Moldy Man Sac, I Like Dick, Just Amy, Mudsucker, Sir Poops a Lot, International Virgin, Crop Duster, Risky Business, Just Brett, Just Amanda, and Lifa
TOTAL: 52 Peeps
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Hashers are placed in alphabetical order by favorite movie.
Favorite movie of Two Tickets is: Annie
Favorite movie of Lifa is: Waterworld