Category: Tale of the Trail

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1651

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 21 Mar 2010

Hares were listed as Ice Princess and Crop Duster from the home of Ice Princess. I don’t think Ice Princess ever left his place. But Erin Go Buff did in fact help lay the trail. We did have 15 hounds on trail. The trail led south to a partially enclosed cluster of town homes after a quick Check. Lifa found the trail and led us around a bit and then through a fence and gate. Ooops, don’t close the gate. We did. Trail led into a field where Lifa found a Back Check and a can of cold beer. A reward for the FRB. But it was a Back Check and we returned to the now locked gate. Genesis played super hero and climbed the high wall and opened the gate and we were off again. Winding around the complex of homes Lifa again led us to a False and a locked gate. Going back, Horn-E found marks heading south and another False. So we returned to the north and eventually out the main gate and back south along State. At Roosevelt we found Erin Go Buff sitting there laughing at the hounds who missed the light. The front of the pack were out of sight in the next cluster of homes. But we caught up with them just as they found the next Check where all of the Check hangers were waiting. Horn-E followed the ranging pack and in the distance Ginger Snatch, but we were off. The trail headed behind some homes to a narrow passage and a high wall. But at the southern end we were able to climb over the wall. Two Fuck Canuck and Horn-E managed this okay but others were struggling and the FRBs were already out of sight. The hardest climb was Turbo Dog. Something about no opposable thumbs. So she was lifted over the top. Trail led us back to Roosevelt and east where we crossed the previous trail at State St. and repaired marks by those sneaky bastard hares. This led us through some alleys and streets to the north and east and eventually over to Michigan Ave. We could see the FRBs heading north from some monument in the park and along the path paralleling the tracks. The pack swept towards the FRBs who eventually returned towards Michigan Ave. I followed Ass Capades as we cut a short bit of trail and soon we were heading into an underground garage. Check. That was nice. But the pack was soon On and into the parking area. They looked lost up ahead and Genesis headed south into a corner and found beer by a trash can.
Motor Whore A was also there. Not on trail, but she might have brought the beer. And so we drank some beer and an all to short, but decent trail was over. Who managed to run. International Virgin. Yeah, sort of running again. Just Cindy, 10,000 Tiki Whore, Suckiwi, Its Too Soft, The KGB, M’Alice from Vancouver and new to Chicago, Fruit Of The Clue.
Back at the Condo of Ice Princess, we eventually headed to the roof for a circle. The hares got their usual dosage of well deserved charges and down downs. We met the visitors M’Alice, Two Buck Canuck who ran trail and eventually Funny Bone Her who didn’t but helped Salty Gash get more beer. Thanks ladies. And we met Fruit Of The Clue who also did his first Chicago trail and has moved here. Welcome. There were two virgins who were also brought out, Just Caroline and Just Jill who didn’t run trail. Hmmm!. Wouldn’t they still be virgins then? We need to get them to break that cherry on trail somewhere soon. There was a long list of other hashers who also didn’t. Batteries Not Included, Calvin Klein, Soul Taco, Mouthful Of Meat, Wang Chunks, Fistful Of Pricks and Just Becky.
Back in the condo we settled into beer and some good chocolate brought by Just Becky. Ice Princess soon went beddy bye, or in the words of true drinkers, passed out. We only had one bitch fight that was quickly broken up. We made a lot of noise and eventually the neighbors came by. Noise? Who us? So, with our host passed out, we decided to honor his home and quieted down a bit. Hmmm, hashers quieting down. Now there is a novel twist. And so the hash slowly filtered away as hashers wandered off.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1649

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 7 Mar 2010 by Horn-E

We were to run out of O’Malley’s West. Not a good hash bar as we learned later. Why it was up for bar of the year was beyond me. Our hares were Chicken Stifer and Fistful Of Pricks and there was no trail laid. Chicken Stifer headed out to lay a trail a little after 2PM. Would we be stuck with some crappie hangover trail? We weren’t hungover. But 12 hounds took off on trail. Trail headed west and wound through all to familiar streets and alleys. But it wasn’t a bad trail so far. There was even a loop through a gangway that worked. And all to soon we were heading back towards Oz Park, a block from the bar. Is this where we would be met by Fistful of Pricks and a beer stop after less then a mile and a half. But no. There was a Check. Sperm Diversion headed east and found a Split, He went straight so Horn-E headed south and he was On. We were leaving Oz Park. Where we to actually have a trail? This led to an alley and a Check at the exit of the alley. Horn-E went south on a long block and finally the On was called, to the east somewhere. Upon returning, everyone was gone. Horn-E circled the block and at the alley by the fire station he spotted Just Valinda at the far end. She was waving that she wasn’t on and returning. So Horn-E went around the fire station and headed south and soon was back on trail. We headed west and found Corn Star at a Triple Split. She checked to the north and found nothing. Horn-E headed east and found trail heading north in an alley. And so, the three of us just followed trail trying to stay together and help each other. Horn-E was mostly in front and found a Back Check. At last we are seeing more Back Checks being laid without numbers and the way they should be laid. This lead to a trail through a maze of town houses and finally toward Webster and Clark and a Check. This lead us north and west and it became obvious the trail was no longer a trail but just following marks to the inevitable beer stop at the Chicken Coop. And just as we arrived, the late arriving Lifa joined us, as DFL.
Upstairs we found the pack sitting around watching TV. Hey, this is a hash. So Lifa, Sperm Diversion and Horn-E sat by themselves and talked hash stuff.
Back at the bar, we found the bar was full of stool potatoes. That is couch potatoes but in a bar. Every table was full and people were eating. This would not be a good place for a circle or to even hang out. But Fistful Of Pricks bought beer and Chicken Stifer pleaded on bended knee and they finally let us into the upstairs bar for our circle.
Genesis arrived and started the circle and the usual shit happened. We were introduced to out virgin, Just Amanda, brought around by Ass Capades. Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein arrived to drink with us and immediately called out the Cub Fans for a down down because the White Sox beat them. Who fucking cares. Please, lets not having a running score on all of these teams all summer. We are a hash.
We did get around to naming two bimbos today. Just Valinda found some Costa Rican money on trail. 1000 something. And just like a little Costa Rican hooker she picked it up. Worth about $1.83. And so she got named 1000 dollar Costa Rican Whore or was it 10K Tika Hoe. Or something like that. We’ll see how that settles out. Then we named Just Allison, for her adventures with a New Zealander. SucKiwi. I will let that go at what it is.
Other hounds included Its Too Soft, R-Tard-E, SnatchSquatch, Crop Duster, and Free VD.

There was also a Hash Ball the night before. We have really slipped into just a party and it is no longer anything resembling a Ball. The bar was too loud, (the DJ sucked. Where was Odor Eater? Or yeah, getting drunk) the belly fill was just that and the beer was only Coors. Or was that Coors Light? Even worse. Remember a few years ago when we had Milk My Yak’s home brew. Damn good. And before that, the Ball was in a banquet room. The award winners from the Hash Ballot were announced. Fistful Of Pricks is the new Chicago GM. Check them on line. And why weren’t the write ins included? What were they? They sometimes out polled names on the ballot. I noticed that a bunch of paid people never even showed. Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein didn’t pay and were listed as coming. They saved $30. There were some in costume and some of the better ones were our own Corn Star as our own Corn Star. International Virgin all decked out in white trying to win again. Slippery Box in a slippery box with some Vaseline. Beer Spill Veldez as a Mexican spilling beer. Chicken Stifer fucking a chicken. EZ On The Ass with EZ on the ass. And Genesis as the Hasher Of A Thousand Names. There were a few others, but most of us didn’t dress up, including myself. I dress as Horn-E at every hash, so I thought I would just dress as myself for this one.
I finally left, early. Couldn’t stand the noise from the DJ and the Coors. Went to Friar Tuck’s for some good Michelob Amber and Sultry Skanks.

On On
Horn-E

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1648

Feb. 28, 2010

Chicago Hash #1648
VENUE: Claddagh Ring with an ON AFTER PARTY to watch USA vs Canada Hockey

HARES: Slippery Box and Half-Fag
VIRGINS:
VISITORS: It’s Too Soft- Waukesha
HASHERS: LIFA, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry F*cker, Just Kelsey, Smell This, Cunt and Pasties, Just Allison, Uploader, Cornstar, Just Mike, Just Rob, Mouthful of Meat, Virgin Banger, Tinkle Trotsky, Just Sue, Crop Duster, Hot Pants, R-Tard-E, Wrapper Snatcher, Just Willow

TOTAL HASHERS – 23

The week of hashing started off right with Wednesday Drinking practice and 11 hashers getting together to watch the Russian-Canada hockey game. Snatchsquatch, Beer Spill, Chicken Stiffer, Asscapade, Tinkle Trotsky, Cornstar, R-Tard-E, Half-Fag, Just Kelsey, Odor Eater, and Poultry F*cker came together and saw Russia get crushed. The Funniest thing that night was watching Beer Spill Valdez rub his eye after eating a chicken wing with hot sauce. That was not a good idea and caused him to cry for the next hour plus almost as if he had been tear gassed. Later that night the CH3 hashing trivia team “America, Fuck YA!!!” won first place and $50 in free booze from the LIONS HEAD PUB!!!
Sunday we had 23 hashers show up to take part in the hash and then watch USA vs Canada hockey game. Many couldn’t believe at the end of the game that it was only 5 pm having put in a 4-mile run and then they watched a great Olympic hockey game. Our Hares today SLIPPERY BOX and HALF-FAG put down the trail marks. We started promptly at 11:34 am with POULTRY F*CKER trying to elbow me out into Foster Avenue to gain the lead. She along with JUST ALLISON, running with her hands down her pants to keep warm, were the leaders of the hash. We ran around an alley and out to Western Ave. where we found a split. I went north and was on crossing Western Ave. only to find a well-intended back check around the building on the corner. The pack went west here but one smart hasher named TINKLE TROTSKY (yes that is how you spell her name) went back east across Western Ave. and found trail. We ran back east and wound our way thru some apartment buildings again came to Western Ave. and crossed the street. The trail again crossed back over Western Ave. with CHICKEN STIFFER in the front finding trail around a funeral parlor. POULTRY F*CKER, CORNSTAR, and MOUTHFUL of MEAT joined forces and found trail running parallel to the cemetery east. The spry gazelle named SMELL THIS in his bright green jacket took the pack past the lumberyard and industrial park near Ravenswood Metra line but couldn’t keep up with the hasher UPLOADER. We came to a check and CHICKEN and VIRGIN BANGER ran back under the tracks thru a pedestrian walk way to the west side of the tracks and were back on trail. The hares tried to be sneaky here by only putting down marks after the pack had past but that didn’t fool JUST ALLISON and LIFA who cut trail to Foster Ave. by Big Joe’s turtle races. We came to a check here yet again and LIFA and SMELL THIS found trail going around Amudsen High School, but VIRGIN BANGER called the rest of the pack to follow him thru the park to his house because the beer stop was at his place, where we saw baby PIPER, RENTA and a dog named ZOOIE??
The beer stop was over in ten minutes and we ran back to the bar and enjoyed $6 pitchers of beer and many ordered a pizza or two for the upcoming game. HALF-FAG ran circle punishing JUST ALLISON and VIRGIN BANGER for being the FRB’s (Note JUST ALLISON raised her arms in rocky style when she got to the beer stop first!!!) LIFA drank for getting his first piece of hate mail for moving the hash to 11 am and became an official member of the CH3 MM. Our DFL was ITS TOO SOFT who showed up late again for another hash and ran with his backpack the whole trail. Finally HALF-FAG closed circle and we got the LCD projector ready to watch the game on a 70+ inch screen. We wish the US TEAM could have won but we saw an exciting overtime game!!! THE CH3 also OFFER CONGRATULATIONS to SMELL THIS and CUNT AND PASTIES on their engagement!!!!!!!!!!

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1647

Feb. 21, 2010

Chicago Hash #1647
VENUE: Red Line Tap with an ON AFTER PARTY at Poultry F*cker’s place to watch USA vs Canada Hockey

HARES: Hoosier Daddy and Dingo
VIRGINS: Just Kelsey
VISITORS: It’s Too Soft- Waukesha
HASHERS: Horn-E, LIFA, Slippery Box, Muffin the Mule, Bloody Thighs, Just Cindy, Woody Wood Whacker, Cornstar, Just Valinda, Chicken Stiffer, Crop Duster, Just Mike, Just Lydia, Milk My Yak, Barks on all Fours, Just Gavin, Half-Fag, Tinkle Trotsky, Mouthful of Meat

TOTAL HASHERS – 21

The weather cooperated and we had no rain, sleet or snow until 6 pm well after the hash. The trail was set by HOOSIER DADDY, and his minion DINGO. HOOSIER DADDY laid arrows on trail while DINGO put down little doggie land mines for us to follow. We had a quick chalk talk with statements made about rules? And standard marks? The pack was off and I led SLIPPERY BOX to my car to dump her bags in my trunk but since there was a mark right at my car we were still on. WOODY WOOD WHACKER found a check and went north while LIFA and I went west. I found a mark turning back south and LIFA didn’t follow, big mistake for him because he was on his own the rest of the trail. The pack soon followed along with the short cutting HORN-E and we ran south to Pratt where another check was found by the pack. JUST MIKE found a faded trail in an alley HORN-E already checked and I called for the pack to follow us, making HORN-E do a 180-degree turn to find trail again. CROP DUSTER was now up with JUST MIKE AND I and we continued to find trail winding towards the Loyola campus on Broadway. Here again was a check and WOODY WOOD WHACKER really took a wrong turn because JUST MIKE found trail running thru the campus and toward the lake. He along with JUST LYDIA and the virgin, JUST KELSEY were now near the front of the pack with search parties out looking for LIFA. IT’s TOO SOFT then found trail after a split and the pack was running in a steady northern direction.
We soon ran into a BN but that was false trail and had to back track to the split and keep running north and then east to the beer stop on a frozen beach north of the Loyola campus. Here most of the pack including JUST VALINDA, MOUTHFUL OF MEAT and BLOODY THIGHS regained the pack and we all enjoyed some Keystone beer at the B! The pack had a beer or two and then ran back to bar where or RA HALF-FAG was ready to conduct a circle. Accusations were made and JUST KELSEY our virgin was introduced to the hash. Our FRB CROP DUSTER drank along with our DFL LIFA who finally found trail and the beer stop in end. We even said hello to JUST GAVIN one of the youngest hashers on trail and he was even pointing on the circle. JUST CINDY was a reboot along with MOUTHFUL OF MEAT who came out to say hi to our IRAQ bound hasher WOODY WOOD WHACKER. HALF-FAG had us singing swing low and then we waited around drinking the hash cash until 6 pm when the hash was all invited to POULTRY’s place to watch the USA-CANADA HOCKEY game. Present for the ON AFTER were FISTY, SNATCH, R-TARD-E, CHICKEN, SOUL TACO, CROP DUSTER, SLIPERY BOX, HALF-FAG, ITS TOO SOFT, MUFFIN THE MULE, and TINKLE TROTSKY. The funniest part to the night was POULTRY’s cat Frisky would get the courage to come upstairs and see the people but usually at that point the USA would score causing the crowd to scream and the cat to bolt for the basement in a panic. We had pizza and beer and saw a final score USA 5 CANADA 3!!!! See you next week but if the USA is in the gold medal game at 2:15 pm SUNDAY you might not see me.

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM

The Original Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 21 Feb 2010 by Horn-E
A small pack greeted Hoosier Daddy when he returned from setting trail, but we soon ended up with 19 hounds ready for trail thanks to waiting way past start time. So lets get going and Hoosier Daddy had us outside for a short chalk talk. Actually only 16 hounds would really do trail as Milk My Yak and Barks On All Fours were there with there baby, Just Gavin (Barks and Yaks?). The trail headed south to the corner and a Split and Melvin The Mule and Horn-E headed south. Trail went west on Lunt, rhymes with Paulina. So we circled around and Horn-E found himself paralleling in an alley and back to Lunt and Ashland, Here was a Split and Chicken Stifer headed west. So Horn-E headed south and was right On. But this went to a Check at Morse. Calling the following pack, Horn-E headed further south and at the next block there were no marks. Crossing the street Chicken Stifer ran on by blowing his whistle. But since he was on the west side of the street and the Check was on the east side, did he even know he was at a Check? Horn-E called out and naturally he didn’t answer so he had to wait for two more arrows before he could call to the rest of the pack. And there was another Check at Pratt. Horn-E headed east to a Split and headed south, but never saw the mark on the wet pavement. So he headed east and there weren’t any marks. Returning, Chicken Stifer was suddenly at that corner on Pratt yelling On. Yeah, he came back for the pack. He headed south at a Split at an alley and wasn’t On. Trail headed east into the alley and then south to a Triple split. Trail was to the east and Crop Duster was way out there and as we ran along Melvin The Mule suddenly returned from a Split and led Woody Wood Wacker, Slippery Box and Horn-E south to Albion where we did a short loop under the tracks and south in an alley. Chicken Stifer was apparently ranging again and showed up just as we headed south. At Sheridan we had a Check. This one took a while to solve, at least for the back of the pack. But we were soon off through the north end of Loyola to another Check just outside of the soccer field. Just Kelsey our virgin and her friend Just Lidija were hanging around there Woody Wood Wacker leaped the fence and looked for marks. Chicken Stifer was wandering around, and not On. Horn-E headed east and found nothing. Suddenly the women were heading north and apparently On. Horn-E and Woody Wood Wacker followed and somehow managed to follow as the women joined up with the front pack and we were soon heading east on Farwell to the lakefront and north to a beer stop where they were waiting at a beer stop with Barks On All Fours and Milk My Yak. About five minutes later Chicken Stifer managed to come on in. Another five minutes and the back of the pack arrived, Bloody thighs, Corn Star, Just Valinda, and Mouthful Of Meat. The only one missing was Lifa. Yeah, that Lifa. He missed something and was struggling through the trail on his own.
From here it was a short run/walk back to the Red Line Tap with Just Cindy and more beer.
The beer finally got flowing and Genesis and Tinkle Trotskie arrived to join us. Yeah, Lifa arrived too. Genesis started a circle and Hoosier Daddy got a lot of beer Down Downs. Good thing he had his leg humper to walk him home. That leg humper was all over everyone. We introduced our new virgin, Just Kelsey. Then we called out all of the returning hashers including Woody Wood Wacker, Mouthful Of Meat, Just Mike and Just Lidija. After the circle we hung around a bit, having a good time and suddenly the pack all left to go watch TV. So It was home early after a short On ON. Did I miss anyone. Oh yeah, Its Too Soft taking pictures as usual in the circle.
For you that didn’t know him, Woody Wood Wacker started hashing in Chicago many years back. Went off to serve Uncle Sam and on to college and flight school. He is now on his way to Afghanistan flying a medical evacuation helicopter. Wish him a safe return.

On On
Horn-E

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1646

Feb. 14, 2010- Chinese New Year

Chicago Hash #1646
VENUE: Paulie’s

HARES: Ballsalotpus, Cums in my Assfault, Just Do Me Slowly, Virtually Hung
VIRGINS: Just Zack
VISITORS: Return to Gender, Stairmaster (Madison Hash)
HASHERS: Pink Pantser, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry F*cker, Just Allyson, Just Mike, R-Tard-E, Just Kelsey, Muff in the Mule, Crop Duster, Hoosier Daddy, International Virgin, Snatchsquatch, Cornstar, Just Andy, Just Karla, Stab’em and Slab’em, Mudsucker, Dickens Cider, Just Steve, Just Gene, Slippery Box, Ez on the Ass, Horn-e, Just Suetfei, 69-cent Man, Cuma Slutra, Asscapade, Lifa, Sperm Diversion, Half-Fag, Two Tickets to a Pair Thighs, Glory Hole, It’s Too Soft, Beaver Toe, Bloody Asshole, Fistful of Pricks, Just Melinda, Peterbilt, Ginger Snatch, Half-Masterbator, Sit-n-pee, W’All Bangher, Just I Lean

TOTAL HASHERS – 50

The Chinese New Year didn’t fall on a cold day in February along with the Super Bowl like it has done the past two years. This year with beautiful weather and great preparation by our hares BALLSALOTPUS, VIRTUALLY HUNG, CUMS in my ASSFAULT, and DO ME SLOWLY we had 50 hashers show up to support and enjoy the New Year!!!! TWO TICKETS showed up and asked me where I had taken the Chicago GM? Guess she doesn’t recognize me with the new beard? Numerous people showed and paid their $8 hash cash and $22 for hashball for $30 total. HOOSIER DADDY, JUST KELSEY, HORN-E, R-TARD-E, JUST SUETFEI, EZ on the ASS, and HALF-FAG have joined 20 others already paid at Hash Ball March 6th for fun and humor!! BALLSALOTPUS again was worried no one was going to show because by 1:50 pm there were only 4 hashers present guess we showed him!!! The last 3 Chinese New Years had been 41, 39, and 40 respectively so we had a 10 person increase a fine tribute to a great event these hares have put together.
VIRTUALLY HUNG conducted the chalk talk under the Dan Ryan and our visitors RETURN TO GENDER and STAIRMASTER got their marching orders along with the pack and we were off. HALF-FAG, SPERM DIVERSION, and EZ? Jumped the fence narrowly missing ripping their sacks open on the high wire fence erected by IDOT to keep people like us out!!! We ran west to Halsted where the pack got completely lost because 69-CENT MAN called ON north on Halsted but was not!!! We also began to hear the mating call of EZ ON THE ASS all day “ARE YOU?”, “ARE YOU?” to which no one really wanted to respond. JUST MIKE and INTERNATIONAL VIRGIN took the pack across some railroad tracks and found two marks but no third. Here CHICKEN went a little east and found marks. LIFA, HALF-FAG and CHICKEN STIFFER broke away from the pack at this point and were the FRB’s on the trail which circled back towards Cermack Road and back under the Dan Ryan but we had to contend with bad marks and faded marks all the way there. IT’s TOO SOFT caught up along with SNATCHSQUATCH but the badly washed out marked trail was hard to follow so CHICKEN found a check with RG? RG? Well I missed chalk talking putting away haberdashery and money so didn’t know it meant Re-group and was out looking for marks when DICKENS CIDER came along with ASSCAPADE and SLIPPERY BOX in tow to the check. Soon the pack was together and followed JUST ALLYSON south across the 22nd bridge to Chinatown area, but not for long until we found another CHECK!!!!!. The partially nude BLOODY ASSHOLE and CROP DUSTER along with CHICKEN found trail going south and then under railroad tracks and over Archer Ave. We wondered around here again confused by the marks but JUST KELSEY and The hasher formerly named MUDSUCKER found tracks under the railroad into Chinatown proper. Here R-TARD-E followed CHICKEN and DICKENS CIDER to a check and again after a bit of ranging off the check we found trail running thru some apartment buildings too the Archer-Cermack corner where basically trail ended because it was wiped out or more rightly stamped out by parade people. It supposedly went down Cermack to the same bridge we crossed before but I was down there with LIFA and we didn’t see anything? The Hare VIRTUALLY HUNG had to point us in the right direction. We re-collected the pack after searching thru some stores and running into a Chinese dragon. We ran west and found a mark after a split but wait that was not the right way. Several hashers at this point just walked back to the bar and enjoyed the Miller High Life keg that was ready for us. Back at the bar FISTY, JUST I LEAN, and HALF MASTERBATOR were waiting for us FISTY having already ran 10 miles today on a training run. I remember those days when I was young and stupid, maybe I’m just stupid now?
The circle was started roughly 15 minutes after the pack got back and HALF-FAG led us. Rightly the hares were punished, punished, and punished some more for the mass confusion, but then they were thanked, thanked, and thanked for the keg of beer and food afterwards. FRB was LIFA? and FBI was GINGER SNATCH. Our DFL’s was HORN-E I think? We brought in our virgin and welcomed our visitors to a Chicago Hash!! HALF-FAG led us thru our traditionally songs, and people were getting Hungry, So we soon got into swing low and then the feeding frenzy Commenced and it was not beer!!!!! but fried rice. While some watched the BLACKHAWKS beat the Columbus Bluejackets in a shoot out!!! COME JOIN US AT GREEN DRESS and HASH BALL!!! MARCH 6th

CHICKEN STIFFER-CH3 GM

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 14 Feb 2010 by Horn-E The Chinese New Years Hash.

This was Ballsalotapus’s annual thing and he had his usual crew to help, Virtually Hung laying trail, Just Do Me Slowly and Cum In My Ass Fault looking beautiful and helping with decorations and the beer stop. I counted 45 in the circle and that is probably a close count to the actual hounds on trail. We took off to the west. Hey, Chinatown is to the east. At Halsted was a Check. When I got there I saw The 69 Cent Man running north from the Check. Chicken Stifer ran after him and was yelling On. But they weren’t On and a bunch of hashers were following. Trail went west. Now remember, this is a Virtually Hung trail and he twists things around pretty good. And he did. Add that to the fact that we went from white arrows to blue and red flour and things got confused. All day. This pack really seemed confused and looking like a bunch of virgins on trail. Heading west I saw the pack head south and into an alley heading west. Paralleling along and suddenly Genesis is heading my way. Huh!!!. Crossing the street we spotted a Split, coming from the east. but Genesis is leading, coming from the west. Oh Oh. Horn-E went north for a long block and found nothing. Again the pack seemed to just linger and suddenly disappeard to the west. Horn-E went west and nothing after two blocks. Circling back and he saw nothing. Finally he saw the pack, again lingering around, about three blocks to the south. He caught up, just as Dickens Cider, I think, found trail through a field and heading east. But again, nobody seemed to be on and then they were running and then not On. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and SnatchSquatch were seen running through a field and headed south. A block south and again, the back was lingering around again. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and Horn-E headed south off a Triple Split and trail was finally spotted to the east. By the time we got back on trail, the pack was under the Dan Ryan and at another Check. Getting there just in time the pack headed south to an On call from someone. But again we couldn’t seem to find anything and came to a regroup Check. Regroup Check? We were regrouping every two blocks and confused and lost. From here trail headed south to 22nd St. and crossed the river heading east on 22nd Street. Being on the south side of the street as we crossed the bridge, there were no marks there as I followed Bloody Asshole. But someone was on across the street. At Canal was a Triple Split. Again, no one could find anything and finally Bloody Asshole found something to the south and the pack was off again. For about three blocks. Again, we couldn’t find things and we were on and off and on and off before we finally found marks under some tracks and Return To Gender from Madison led us to another Check. Two Tickets To Pair A Thighs found trail to the south. Meanwhile Horn-E and The 69 Cent Man were a block east. We headed south and ran into Dickens Cider saying she was on a Split. Horn-E kept going east to Chinatown. Nothing. Heading north he spotted Just Gene, a transplant to Chicago on his first trail here. We ran through Chinatown to 22nd St. We finally spotted the pack a long block to the west and running parallel. So we crossed 22nd St and headed into the mall area. Now here it gets interesting. We head to the mall and see Cumma Slutra running our way. We head east and around the mall to the north. Hashers everywhere. Genesis, Its Too Soft, Glory Hole, Hoosier Daddy and Ginger Snatch. But no beer stop anywhere near the usual place. They said they were on a Check, so Horn-E circled back through the mall and to the check at Archer and 22nd St. Here he spotted the hare who told him the trail was to the west over the 22nd St. Bridge on the south side of the bridge. Now I crossed there before, and there were no marks. There were now. Horn-E passed Hoosier Daddy and SnatchSquatch and a few others and led them across the bridge. At the far end was a turn north and past a factory and a long block. At the end was a Split. The beer stop was just ahead of the straight mark. But Horn-E spotted a mark to the left arrow. This led to a narrow path between a building and a fence. Horn-E hit some half buried strips of siding under the snow. Bamm, on his ass. But he got up and ran on looking for the next mark. There wasn’t any. SnatchSquatch, Bloody Asshole and a few others were right behind him. Here is where some said, FUCK it and headed back to the bar. Horn-E and Bloody Asshole headed back east and around the other trail looking for a loop from that other mark at the last Split. He was able to spot most of the pack and redirect them back to the Split. Sure enough, a half mile later of running in circles, Bloody Asshole and Horn-E managed to find the beer stop and the rest of the pack. Right around the corner from the last, mis-marked Split. Damn. But we had a quick good beer, poured by the lovely Geishas, or whatever. and we headed back. Even Bloody Asshole, running without a shirt as usual, was getting cold.
Back at the bar we soon circled up and Genesis held a lively circle. We even had a Chinese Fire Drill. Many down downs were given. Bloody Asshole had to do one out of the sleeve. The posers had to come out and drink one and so did our visitors Return To Gender, Stair Master from Madison, Bloody Asshole from Las Vegas, and Beaver Toe from Dallas. Just Andy was a virgin and called out for one. Welcome. After that we had some fried rice and a raffle. Does anyone want a directors cut of a Bruce Lee film? A bunch of us ended up four blocks away for a nightcap or two and then Lifa and Horn-E walked about two miles down town to catch a bus and train home. Good time. While I didn’t get all of the names, let me add these to the story, Stab ’em & Slab ’em, Sperm Diversion, Just Suetfe looking sexy in an Asian outfit, Ass Capades, EZ On The Ass, R-Tard-E, Slippery Box, International Virgin, Poultry Fucker, Crop Duster, Pink Pants’her, Muffin The Mule, and some of the posers were Fistful Of Pricks, Sit In Pee, We’ll Bangher, and Peterbilt. If I didn’t get your name, sorry. Come by at the next big hash and make sure I get it in my book. Please. I really want to mention you all.
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On On
Horn-E

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1645

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 7 Feb 2010 by Horn-E

We ran out of the Hyde Park Morgue of Stab ’em & Slab ’em and she and Lifa gave us a good trail. Scribes always lie. We had 12 hounds at the start of trail and just before we left the beer stop, The Grrreat Loch Ness Cockster and Two Tickets To Pair A Thighs arrived for a 14 hound count. We took off to the south out of this alley and headed west for a block and a half and there we died. Almost. A Check. At the fist alley to the west was a Triple Split. Horn-E was to the north and checked in the alley there. But thanks to the helpful yelling out to others of what we were on, he didn’t realize there was that Triple Split and didn’t look further. It was at least five minutes later when someone finally ranged from that Triple Split and we were On. There went my energy before we even got going. Trail headed north and west and Dickens Cider was leading most of the way as we finally came to this large park. She led into the park and a Check along a path. Well, there was a bridge, or further west. She took the bridge and was soon heading out of sight and yelling On. We converged on the bridge and headed across. That’s when Happy Ass Grabber was running a little ahead with Turbo Dog when two wild dogs came running and barking from about a block away over this frozen pond. We’re looking at major dog fight, man dog fight or who knows what. Finally the dogs stopped and circled back. So turbo dog didn’t have to kick ass again. We crawled through a couple of fences and had another Check. Well, a little shiggy anyhow. Now, where would this Check go in such a wide expanse of park. Working towards the south and east and up a little hill, I could see our visitor, Sweetheart from London heading to the southwest along a path. Was he On? Nope. But I got suckered into the wrong direction just long enough to watch the pack disappearing to the east. Damn. I got to the city streets just in time to see the last of the pack several blocks ahead, except for EZ On The Ass, a half block ahead. I thought I was dead Fucking Last. But Corn Star and SnatchSquatch were behind even Horn-E. We all had to be tired from the Idiotarod yesterday. EZ On The Ass and Horn-E finally caught up to Bloody Thighs and Just Jeff, our virgin of the day. And we ran on, without to much difficulty. Lifa was sweeping and most of the Checks and Splits were marked. We ran through the University of Chicago campus and out onto the Midway Plaisance and on east and into Jackson Park. Destination the Chinese Garden on an Island. Like we haven’t been here before. And there was the pack and the beer.
After here we had a semi straight course back. Yeah sure. Left, right, left, right, through a hole in the fence, down an alley, over some fields and finally back to the morgue on University. Inside were all of the posers. To many to mention and many I didn’t even know. They were here to watch some silly football game. Well, that and the good food. Genesis soon called the circle together in the basement. The one with the ceiling two inches shorter then SnatchSquatch. The hares got and deserved many a down down. We were introduced to our virgin, Just Jeff. We also met our visitor, Sweetheart who had a great story about running trail. He was running along and saw a Harriet ahead. Looking good in tight tights. He ran up to chat her up a bit and just as he caught her, she turned his way and acthung, spittouie. Well, it was funny when he told it in the circle. Her name will remain unmentioned. We also had a chance to meet Run A Muck. Knew him from a long time ago. He needs to come on out some more. Who else was on trail? Slippery Box, Genesis, and Tinkle Trotskie who were all to far ahead to see anything they did on trail. Nice trail and a good party until that damn game came on TV.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1644

The Tale of the Trail
Chicago Hash, Jan 31, 2010, by Horn-E

Another small turnout. What is going on here? This is at least the second time this month that Chicago Hash has had less then 10. And they missed a good hash. Overall, the best city hashing experiences this year. All right, I’m prejudiced, but those woods hashes were better. But city streets are what they are and our hare, Glory Hole laid a decent trail and had the best beer stop of the year. More on that later.
I walked into the bar with Just Valinda and there were only three hounds waiting. Yes, three. Just Steve, it isn’t normally this small. Yes, we had a virgin. But at least with a small crowd, he gets to learn more about how to hash, check etc. As we gathered outside for the chalk talk, Virgin Banger arrived. We were soon off to the north with Horn-E running along casually to our first Split. He went left and so did the trail. But another Triple Split nailed him and trail was found to the south and west through an alley. We quickly followed and two blocks later we found a Check. Chicken Stifer went south, but didn’t find anything. Virgin Banger went west, and ditto. Cum In My Ass Fault headed north in the alley and returned, nothing. Just Steve and Horn-E ranged north and around the block and found some recruits. This delay almost costs us. As we got back to the alley, we could see Just Valinda and Cum In My Ass Fault heading south in the alley in the far distance. We followed and finally caught them at Lawrence just as the light changed. Meanwhile Virgin Banger and Chicken Stifer were,,,,, I don’t know. But presumedly, far behind. Glory Hole was marking Splits and Checks and they would catch up, maybe, hopefully. We headed on south and crossed the Brown Line tracks to another Split. Just four of us now, we followed our virgin Just Steve to the east and south and to a Check. By now, the late arriving Its Too Soft managed to catch us, thanks to the sweep marks. Just Steve and Horn-E found trail to the south and east. The horn was blown and the pack of three others followed. We headed east, through a little loop and on to Lincoln Ave and a Check. Just Steve and Horn-E were working the Check when Its Too Soft finally arrived. He tends to hang around and wait for others, but finally he headed south and found the trail. So we were off heading through an alley and large park and over to Montrose. Had to be a Check here, but where. We ranged a bit before Glory Hole pointed out the Check. So Horn-E headed east and finally found the trail. It took several minutes of blowing the horn before Horn-E was spotted and the pack started to follow. This is where Chicken Stifer and Virgin Banger finally caught up. We headed over to Damen where Chicken Stifer caught a Split and led into this parking area behind a hospital. But marks couldn’t be found. Well laid here. Finally Horn-E found the marks, past and over two hospital entrance ramps while the pack followed. Besides Chicken Stifer. Naturally he couldn’t follow and he ranged to the north and east and got lucky when one of our marks got wiped out. We ranged north and there he was. We headed on north to a Check and trail was found to the east and over the Ravenswood train stop as we followed Its Too Soft. Then we headed down an alley and to a long False in a field that nailed the ranging Virgin Banger and Chicken Stifer. From here it was a short distance north on Ravenswood and around a corner to a locked door with a B in front.
When the door opened, we walked into a brewery. You got it sucka. You missed it. Well done, Glory Hole. The beer stop was in a Micro Brewery, Metropolitan Brewery. We got the full tour along with ample samples of their good, damn good lagers. That last dopple bock was smooth and 8% with only a hint of alcohol flavoring. Really good. You could drink to much of this without realizing it. Hmmm. Virgin Banger was working of getting some of this for his Memorial Day Hash beer stop. Don’t miss it.
After we left the cold brewery, it took a while to warm up and we headed to Virgin Banger’s House. Major quiet stop. For all of you who don’t know, Rent A Virgin and Virgin Banger had a little virgin last week. And we all circled around for a picture with Chicago’s newest bimbo. Then we tip toed on out and over to Cardinal Liquors on Lincoln.
When we got in, the great pretenders were waiting. Fistful Of Pricks, Shiggy Packer, Salty Gash and Poultry Fucker. And the recruit I met on trail came by to find out more and enjoyed a beer with us and watched our circle. Shiggy Packer called the circle together and we had a nice little circle. Just Steve got formerly introduced and got his down down. Hanging in back, explaining things to our recruit, I only got one down down. Chicken Stifer called me out for attacking a group of little girls on trail. Hey, you run with the joke, but two weeks ago it was Racism in his Chicken Scratches and now hinting at pedophilia, and later forcing namings at moon hashes. It seems as if he can’t quit trying to find false things to accuse me of. But it is a circle, and lets have fun, and we sang some good songs thanks to Shiggy Packer’s job of R A. We ended up with Swing Low and settled into all to much beer. Yes, I said, all to much beer. Everyone finally left and Its Too Soft and Horn-E had almost two pitchers of beer to finish. Now we did give it our best shot, but suddenly the bartender told us she had to pull the beer at 8PM. We didn’t quite make it.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1690

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 24 Oct. 2010 by Horn-E

We hashed out of the corner Bar and our hares were Cumma Slutra and her sister, a virgin, introduced as My Sister Michelle. We had a pack of nine at the start and Rotton Whore was on her phone trying to give directions to a late coming visitor, Areola Borealis from Washington. They stood in the middle of the street three blocks away waving at each other. So it was a pack of ten, including two new comers Just Anna and Just Dana, and two visitors, Areola Borealis and Ass Ripper from Lansing and only six local hounds. We were off to the south and west and a bit of a loop and then to a Split going west and north. We couldn’t find this one for a while until Horn-E found a mark in an alley to the south. Huh. This led to a Split and Horn-E went wrong and over to Armitage. Running west he found a mark pointing east. Oooops. It was off of a Check and Horn-E checked it out and was way off course when trail was found to the east. Encountering Lifa along the way, they headed east and into an alley. Horn-E ended up way off course but finally caught the pack in an alley after a Split. We had another Check back on Armitage and Horn-E, 10K Tika Ho and Ass Ripper checked west. Meanwhile Lifa headed north. Glory Hole was seen to the far east. Not getting anywhere, I headed north to an alley and to the east I saw SnatchSquatch sprinting north. SnatchSquatch doesn’t sprint often and must have been on. SnatchSquatch was in pursuit of Lifa and Horn-E eventually caught SnatchSquatch as he was climbing a high fence. Soon he and Lifa were On heading west on Webster under the Kennedy Expressway. That underpass smelled worse then a Ghetto Hi-rise elevator. Hell, it was worse then the house of a woman with forty-seven cats and one overflowing litter box. Maybe even forty eight cats. We followed Lifa to past Elston to a Back Check 10. Lifa and Glory Hole finally led us to the north and through some gangway and finally to another underpass. I was really worried here, but Fullerton wasn’t to bad. At this point, Glory Hole was way ahead, followed by Lifa, Just Dana and Just Anna. All on the north side of Fullerton. Horn-E was trailing on the south side. Did you ever get to that point where you’ve had it. Horn-E did and started to walk. Getting to the corner of Western he could see the leaders heading further north and that was it. Horn-E headed south. A block later he saw Glory Hole on the west side of Western indicating he was at a Check. So. Horn-E was heading back and went this way from the bus and new were the beer stop was. He walked on and soon saw Cumma Slutra and My Sister Michelle sitting in this park. With beer. Lifa yelled to Glory Hole, “Are you going to let that old man beat you.” So he sprinted in and just barely beat Horn-E to the beer. And soon the whole pack arrived and we sat there in the nice warm weather until the rains came.
Back at the bar, Lifa got the beer going and SnatchSquatch led circle. Another shitty circle, but we got the hares, many times, virgin My Sister Michelle, visitors, Areola Borealis and Ass Ripper, new comers Just Dana and Just Anna and eventually we ended circle and just enjoyed beer On and On and On. Its Too Soft arrived late again.

On
Horn-E

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1643

Jan. 24, 2010

Chicago Hash #7,347,732
VENUE: Joe’s on Weed

HARES: Calvin Klein, Batteries not Included
VIRGINS: Just Suetfei
VISITORS:
HASHERS: Just Cindy, Odor Eater, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry Fucker, Horn-e, Snatchsquatch, UpLoader, Dickens Cider, Happy Ass Grabber, Hoosier Daddy, Menage A Twat, Ice Princess, Its Too Soft, Half-Fag, Crop Duster, Do Me Slowly, KGB, More Tail, Just Allyson, Glory Hole, Soul Taco, Tinkle Trotsky, One-Handed Typist, Lifa, Just Corey, Asscapade, Fistful of Pricks, Magnetic Muff, Just Becky, Salty Gash

TOTAL HASHERS – 33

This hash was billed as the Calvin B-day hash and 33 hashers showed up to celebrate Calvin’s 21st birthday, Happy Birthday man. Batteries and Calvin picked a great venue for this run today with $3.75 pitchers of Coors Lite and a private room in the back for the football viewing and auction. The CH3 hash raised $250 on Sunday for the Haiti relief fund nice job donators and donatees!!! What a job by our own Calvin Klein playing the part of the auctioneer!!! I think he might find a job working at Christie’s on the weekend.
Calvin said the trail was shorter than usually, meaning it was not the usually 5+ mile Calvin trail. We did our little chalk talk out front and informed JUST SUETFEI what the marks meant on trial and away we went on trial # 7,567,234? We seem to have skipped a few numbers from last week? The pack took off West and then South down Kingsbury and past the new giant Whole Foods conveniently located across the street from a strip bar. GLORY HOLE led the pack at this point with our virgin leading with him. The pack kept running in a Southeast direction towards the Cabrini-Green projects. Did Calvin run us thru the projects? There was a check on Division and Halsted with two marks running that way but HALF-FAG found the true over the bridge and onto Goose Island. LIFA the latecomer caught up to us by now and started to make a move towards the front of the pack. JUST ALLYSON, DICKENS CIDER, and UPLOADER took the pack thru the winding industrial park but CHICKEN STIFFER found some kind of trial leading toward the railway bridge of the Chicago River branch by North Avenue This bridge has been used many times in trails past, with the 1500th hash being the most memorable when we had to carry LAZY ASS from the Big-Hump over the bridge because he’s in a wheel chair!! . Bringing up the rear at this point were hashers like ITS TOO SOFT, SNATCHSQUATCH and MORE TAIL (where has she been?) MEANGE-A-TWAT used a short cut provided by the hare to shortcut to this point in the trail crossing North Avenue. Trail from here went North on the railroad tracks and then east past the now defunct Sam’s Liquor Warehouse to a check. DICKENS CIDER went North and CHICKEN east she found true trail but he found trail directly east of Clybourn and short cut about ¼ mile from the trail.
The trail ran south on Clybourn and then ran through Crate and Barrel parking lot to end up back at the bar with CHICKEN STIFFER the FRB and UPLOADER and DICKENS CIDER close behind. ICE PRINCESS pulled up at the CVS to buy smokes and KGB again had to stop and deliver a baby on trail this seems to be an every hash occurrence for him. There was no beer stop on trial and the hash got back to the bar to enjoy the cheap pitchers and order food. HALF-FAG ran our circle today using some square cushions to stand-on. SNATCHSQUATCH stood on one and the cushion seemed to shrink by 5 inches afterwards!!! CALVIN was given his birthday down-down and the hares drank continuously throughout the night. Many hashers showed up late like TINKLE TROTSKY or SALTY GASH but we love them just the same. HAPPY ASS GRABBER and HOOSIER DADDY drank for no hash attire and we gave R-TARD-E a down-down for being DFL?? But wait he was in Florida WTF??? HALF-FAG ended the circle and we soon got the auction going. DO I hear $3? The bidding was fast and furious with an AXIS of EVIL shirt with the now defunct MASTERS HASH on it going for $16 I believe!!! CROP DUSTER seemed to be bidding for many of the awesome shirts donated by fellow hashers. The shirt of the night went to ODOR EATER with a big COCK on the front from the Mardi Gras Hash saying ROCK AROUND THE C (L) OCK!!! The auction was interrupted with a pizza and wing order for the hash and then we got right back to it. FISTFUL OF PRICKS was a little distracted from her New Orleans game but it was for a good cause for today, $250 for Haitian relief not bad. Hopefully we will see you next week and nice turn out with 33 hashers showing up to run and donate to a worthy cause!!!

CHICKEN STIFFER-CH3 GM

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1642

Chicago Hash Tale of the Trail
1/17/10
Two Way Lounge

Hares: LIFA and SNATCHSQUATCH

Virgins: Just Tammy, Just George
Visitor: Tranny e Cock-Kicker Cedar Falls Hash

Hashers: Soul Taco, Its too Soft, Fistful of Pricks, Poultry Fucker, Just Kelsey, Half-Fag, Ice Princess, Hoosier Daddy, Horn-e, Dark side of the Pun, Cornstar, Asscapade, Chicken Stiffer, Just Amber

Total hashers- 20

This hash used a bar that long ago, I believe, a hasher named DUDE WHERE’S MY CAR put a check at the front door at the Fullerton entrance and the trail went thru the bar. Today SNATCHSQUATCH and LIFA just had it as the on-in but it did bring back found memories of CHICKEN’s first couple of hashes in 2004. The two hares started with their chalk talk and hashers came out of the wood work. ITS TOO SOFT was dropped off by his mom, JUST RITA. ASSCAPADE showed up with DARK SIDE of the PUN?? Do these people own clocks, cell phones, sun dials??? We run at 2:30 pm every week you slackers.
The chalk talk was done and off we went west on Fullerton quickly taking a turn North with ICE PRINCESS and HALF-FAG in the lead. Soon we all got stopped at check just south Logan Boulevard. I think the pack found a short cut North and Horn-e was off and running back and forth along the Logan Boulevard. DARK SIDE OF THE PUN and I just decided to run directly across the street and we found trail cutting of about 4 blocks of running back and forth. We recrossed Logan and ran thru an alley and Boom a split. This split though pointed two directions and one choice ran out onto Milwaukee Ave. and into a mark but this mark was off a check so it screwed up and split the pack. I think the new pack leader was ICE PRINCESS and HALF FAG. I eventually got back to the check the hares wanted us to find and found CORNSTAR and POULTRY find marks in Logan Square that were left over from the New Years Hash? so not only was the pack confused about the bad split but stray marks from a previous hash. We soon caught up the LIFA the hare sweeping from the front of the pack and dragged TRANNY COCK KICKER along with us on the true trail. The FRB’s were no where to bee seen or more importantly heard. We wound our ways behind churches and things finally ending up running straight east thru Palmer Square till it dead ended at a church.
The pack I guess caught the FRB’s and found trail running south to Armitage turning east again where the was the beer stop. Here we picked up FISTFUL OF PRICKS and SOUL TACO on trail. They were hoarding all the cans of Pabst they could find, and HORN-E was busy trying to recruit the two to lay trail for his moon hash on Monday because it was MLK day? That’s just wrong in so many ways!! Our two virgins JUST GEORGE and JUST TAMMY were happy to be part of the hash today and we had perfect running conditions today? We finished our beers and wandered the Taco Palace heaven back to the bar. (there must have been at least 5-6 Taquieras with in two blocks of the bar. In fact FISTY went out and brought in Mexican food after the circle making us all hungry. Back at the bar we ran into HOOSIER DADDY and JUST AMBER. I was slightly amazed that at such a dive bar pitchers were still $7 a pop but were a rich hash now. See MM notes to get that joke. HALF-FAG ran circle and seems to be filling that role well after taking over from CALVIN KLEIN. Numerous punishments were handed out and the beer flowed with out stopping. The bar even surprised me by lowering the muzac sound and giving us two free pitchers, of beer that is!!!! Well next week we will celebrate the B-day of CALVIN KLEIN and $ 3.75 pitchers of Coor Lite and Joe’s Bar. See you all next week

CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM