Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1646

Feb. 14, 2010- Chinese New Year

Chicago Hash #1646
VENUE: Paulie’s

HARES: Ballsalotpus, Cums in my Assfault, Just Do Me Slowly, Virtually Hung
VIRGINS: Just Zack
VISITORS: Return to Gender, Stairmaster (Madison Hash)
HASHERS: Pink Pantser, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry F*cker, Just Allyson, Just Mike, R-Tard-E, Just Kelsey, Muff in the Mule, Crop Duster, Hoosier Daddy, International Virgin, Snatchsquatch, Cornstar, Just Andy, Just Karla, Stab’em and Slab’em, Mudsucker, Dickens Cider, Just Steve, Just Gene, Slippery Box, Ez on the Ass, Horn-e, Just Suetfei, 69-cent Man, Cuma Slutra, Asscapade, Lifa, Sperm Diversion, Half-Fag, Two Tickets to a Pair Thighs, Glory Hole, It’s Too Soft, Beaver Toe, Bloody Asshole, Fistful of Pricks, Just Melinda, Peterbilt, Ginger Snatch, Half-Masterbator, Sit-n-pee, W’All Bangher, Just I Lean


The Chinese New Year didn’t fall on a cold day in February along with the Super Bowl like it has done the past two years. This year with beautiful weather and great preparation by our hares BALLSALOTPUS, VIRTUALLY HUNG, CUMS in my ASSFAULT, and DO ME SLOWLY we had 50 hashers show up to support and enjoy the New Year!!!! TWO TICKETS showed up and asked me where I had taken the Chicago GM? Guess she doesn’t recognize me with the new beard? Numerous people showed and paid their $8 hash cash and $22 for hashball for $30 total. HOOSIER DADDY, JUST KELSEY, HORN-E, R-TARD-E, JUST SUETFEI, EZ on the ASS, and HALF-FAG have joined 20 others already paid at Hash Ball March 6th for fun and humor!! BALLSALOTPUS again was worried no one was going to show because by 1:50 pm there were only 4 hashers present guess we showed him!!! The last 3 Chinese New Years had been 41, 39, and 40 respectively so we had a 10 person increase a fine tribute to a great event these hares have put together.
VIRTUALLY HUNG conducted the chalk talk under the Dan Ryan and our visitors RETURN TO GENDER and STAIRMASTER got their marching orders along with the pack and we were off. HALF-FAG, SPERM DIVERSION, and EZ? Jumped the fence narrowly missing ripping their sacks open on the high wire fence erected by IDOT to keep people like us out!!! We ran west to Halsted where the pack got completely lost because 69-CENT MAN called ON north on Halsted but was not!!! We also began to hear the mating call of EZ ON THE ASS all day “ARE YOU?”, “ARE YOU?” to which no one really wanted to respond. JUST MIKE and INTERNATIONAL VIRGIN took the pack across some railroad tracks and found two marks but no third. Here CHICKEN went a little east and found marks. LIFA, HALF-FAG and CHICKEN STIFFER broke away from the pack at this point and were the FRB’s on the trail which circled back towards Cermack Road and back under the Dan Ryan but we had to contend with bad marks and faded marks all the way there. IT’s TOO SOFT caught up along with SNATCHSQUATCH but the badly washed out marked trail was hard to follow so CHICKEN found a check with RG? RG? Well I missed chalk talking putting away haberdashery and money so didn’t know it meant Re-group and was out looking for marks when DICKENS CIDER came along with ASSCAPADE and SLIPPERY BOX in tow to the check. Soon the pack was together and followed JUST ALLYSON south across the 22nd bridge to Chinatown area, but not for long until we found another CHECK!!!!!. The partially nude BLOODY ASSHOLE and CROP DUSTER along with CHICKEN found trail going south and then under railroad tracks and over Archer Ave. We wondered around here again confused by the marks but JUST KELSEY and The hasher formerly named MUDSUCKER found tracks under the railroad into Chinatown proper. Here R-TARD-E followed CHICKEN and DICKENS CIDER to a check and again after a bit of ranging off the check we found trail running thru some apartment buildings too the Archer-Cermack corner where basically trail ended because it was wiped out or more rightly stamped out by parade people. It supposedly went down Cermack to the same bridge we crossed before but I was down there with LIFA and we didn’t see anything? The Hare VIRTUALLY HUNG had to point us in the right direction. We re-collected the pack after searching thru some stores and running into a Chinese dragon. We ran west and found a mark after a split but wait that was not the right way. Several hashers at this point just walked back to the bar and enjoyed the Miller High Life keg that was ready for us. Back at the bar FISTY, JUST I LEAN, and HALF MASTERBATOR were waiting for us FISTY having already ran 10 miles today on a training run. I remember those days when I was young and stupid, maybe I’m just stupid now?
The circle was started roughly 15 minutes after the pack got back and HALF-FAG led us. Rightly the hares were punished, punished, and punished some more for the mass confusion, but then they were thanked, thanked, and thanked for the keg of beer and food afterwards. FRB was LIFA? and FBI was GINGER SNATCH. Our DFL’s was HORN-E I think? We brought in our virgin and welcomed our visitors to a Chicago Hash!! HALF-FAG led us thru our traditionally songs, and people were getting Hungry, So we soon got into swing low and then the feeding frenzy Commenced and it was not beer!!!!! but fried rice. While some watched the BLACKHAWKS beat the Columbus Bluejackets in a shoot out!!! COME JOIN US AT GREEN DRESS and HASH BALL!!! MARCH 6th


The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 14 Feb 2010 by Horn-E The Chinese New Years Hash.

This was Ballsalotapus’s annual thing and he had his usual crew to help, Virtually Hung laying trail, Just Do Me Slowly and Cum In My Ass Fault looking beautiful and helping with decorations and the beer stop. I counted 45 in the circle and that is probably a close count to the actual hounds on trail. We took off to the west. Hey, Chinatown is to the east. At Halsted was a Check. When I got there I saw The 69 Cent Man running north from the Check. Chicken Stifer ran after him and was yelling On. But they weren’t On and a bunch of hashers were following. Trail went west. Now remember, this is a Virtually Hung trail and he twists things around pretty good. And he did. Add that to the fact that we went from white arrows to blue and red flour and things got confused. All day. This pack really seemed confused and looking like a bunch of virgins on trail. Heading west I saw the pack head south and into an alley heading west. Paralleling along and suddenly Genesis is heading my way. Huh!!!. Crossing the street we spotted a Split, coming from the east. but Genesis is leading, coming from the west. Oh Oh. Horn-E went north for a long block and found nothing. Again the pack seemed to just linger and suddenly disappeard to the west. Horn-E went west and nothing after two blocks. Circling back and he saw nothing. Finally he saw the pack, again lingering around, about three blocks to the south. He caught up, just as Dickens Cider, I think, found trail through a field and heading east. But again, nobody seemed to be on and then they were running and then not On. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and SnatchSquatch were seen running through a field and headed south. A block south and again, the back was lingering around again. Two Tickets To Pair Of Thighs and Horn-E headed south off a Triple Split and trail was finally spotted to the east. By the time we got back on trail, the pack was under the Dan Ryan and at another Check. Getting there just in time the pack headed south to an On call from someone. But again we couldn’t seem to find anything and came to a regroup Check. Regroup Check? We were regrouping every two blocks and confused and lost. From here trail headed south to 22nd St. and crossed the river heading east on 22nd Street. Being on the south side of the street as we crossed the bridge, there were no marks there as I followed Bloody Asshole. But someone was on across the street. At Canal was a Triple Split. Again, no one could find anything and finally Bloody Asshole found something to the south and the pack was off again. For about three blocks. Again, we couldn’t find things and we were on and off and on and off before we finally found marks under some tracks and Return To Gender from Madison led us to another Check. Two Tickets To Pair A Thighs found trail to the south. Meanwhile Horn-E and The 69 Cent Man were a block east. We headed south and ran into Dickens Cider saying she was on a Split. Horn-E kept going east to Chinatown. Nothing. Heading north he spotted Just Gene, a transplant to Chicago on his first trail here. We ran through Chinatown to 22nd St. We finally spotted the pack a long block to the west and running parallel. So we crossed 22nd St and headed into the mall area. Now here it gets interesting. We head to the mall and see Cumma Slutra running our way. We head east and around the mall to the north. Hashers everywhere. Genesis, Its Too Soft, Glory Hole, Hoosier Daddy and Ginger Snatch. But no beer stop anywhere near the usual place. They said they were on a Check, so Horn-E circled back through the mall and to the check at Archer and 22nd St. Here he spotted the hare who told him the trail was to the west over the 22nd St. Bridge on the south side of the bridge. Now I crossed there before, and there were no marks. There were now. Horn-E passed Hoosier Daddy and SnatchSquatch and a few others and led them across the bridge. At the far end was a turn north and past a factory and a long block. At the end was a Split. The beer stop was just ahead of the straight mark. But Horn-E spotted a mark to the left arrow. This led to a narrow path between a building and a fence. Horn-E hit some half buried strips of siding under the snow. Bamm, on his ass. But he got up and ran on looking for the next mark. There wasn’t any. SnatchSquatch, Bloody Asshole and a few others were right behind him. Here is where some said, FUCK it and headed back to the bar. Horn-E and Bloody Asshole headed back east and around the other trail looking for a loop from that other mark at the last Split. He was able to spot most of the pack and redirect them back to the Split. Sure enough, a half mile later of running in circles, Bloody Asshole and Horn-E managed to find the beer stop and the rest of the pack. Right around the corner from the last, mis-marked Split. Damn. But we had a quick good beer, poured by the lovely Geishas, or whatever. and we headed back. Even Bloody Asshole, running without a shirt as usual, was getting cold.
Back at the bar we soon circled up and Genesis held a lively circle. We even had a Chinese Fire Drill. Many down downs were given. Bloody Asshole had to do one out of the sleeve. The posers had to come out and drink one and so did our visitors Return To Gender, Stair Master from Madison, Bloody Asshole from Las Vegas, and Beaver Toe from Dallas. Just Andy was a virgin and called out for one. Welcome. After that we had some fried rice and a raffle. Does anyone want a directors cut of a Bruce Lee film? A bunch of us ended up four blocks away for a nightcap or two and then Lifa and Horn-E walked about two miles down town to catch a bus and train home. Good time. While I didn’t get all of the names, let me add these to the story, Stab ’em & Slab ’em, Sperm Diversion, Just Suetfe looking sexy in an Asian outfit, Ass Capades, EZ On The Ass, R-Tard-E, Slippery Box, International Virgin, Poultry Fucker, Crop Duster, Pink Pants’her, Muffin The Mule, and some of the posers were Fistful Of Pricks, Sit In Pee, We’ll Bangher, and Peterbilt. If I didn’t get your name, sorry. Come by at the next big hash and make sure I get it in my book. Please. I really want to mention you all.
On On