Chicago Hash House Harriers

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, Feb 27, 2011 by Horn-E

This trail was hared by Fistful Of Pricks and SnatchSquatch. Upon entering Horn-E saw SnatchSquatch and congratulated him on being the new CH3 GM. The huge pack slowly gathered. All right, not huge, but eager. Besides Horn-E there was Just Chris, Its Too Soft, Salty Gash, O’Shitty Runch, and a new hasher to the area, up at Fort Sheridan, Pool Job and a visitor from Washington D. C. Just Kennette. We were also joined by W Jew 40 on trail, late but well lubbed. Our first Check was a hundred feet away and Horn-E, Just Kennette and Just Chris were almost to the beer stop, backwards, before we turned back and found the rest of the pack gone, and no sweep. We ran down an alley and south to another Check. Where was the rest of the pack. Horn-E eventually found the trail around this school yard and directed everyone to shortcut to him and we headed south and eventually over to Clark heading south some more. We now had picked up Its Too Soft and Salty Gash at that last Check. As Horn-E was running south on Clark, someone yelled out about the Horn-E on the back of his shirt. He said his girlfriend was named Horn and I told him Horn-E was mine and ran on. This is important for later. Meanwhile we worked our way over to Lincoln Park and headed south along the lagoon towards Fullerton. Here was a Check, but Horn-E spotted the missing hounds, O’Shitty Runch and Pool Boy heading south so we followed. They weren’t On and had already Checked out east. But some of us went back east and then re-crossed Fullerton to find trail along the lagoon. We followed Just Chris and O’Shitty Runch into a big loop around the park and east towards the other lagoon and another loop before heading north. It was along here that we ran into W Jew 40, who finally caught us. We finally left the park at Diversey and a Check. We found this to the east and through an alley and then north, through some alleys and over to Broadway at Surf. At this point W Jew 40, Just Kennette, and Horn-E were running together. It was right after this we lost W Jew 40 and he never found the pack again. Meanwhile O’Shitty Runch, Just Chris and Pool Boy were long gone. We had a Check on Broadway and Horn-E led Just Kennette down an alley. All right, it wasn’t a bad thought. But there was trail and it led to the Diversey and Clark intersection and then west. Here we caught a short cut as Horn-E spotted the leaders ahead on Diversey and we skipped a loop. We then ran north and only a block from the finish. A block later was a short loop and then north on Halsted to another Split at Wellington. Just Kennette found this and as we headed across Halsted we were able to save Salty Gash and Its Too Soft from a short loop. We headed through this building and around Illinois Masonic Hospital. We did spot a mark near an entrance to a parking lot, but it looked straight. At the next entrance, we heard someone yelling from the parking lot to blow the horn and blowing their car horn. We couldn’t see who or what at first, but thinking beer stop, and then seeing some people in a car, we thought, maybe. So Horn-E blew his horn and the pack gathered around a car. Remember that guy on Clark street yelling about his girlfriend named Horn. This was him and her. False call. No beer. Damn. So Horn-E blew his horn for Horn and we were gone. But now we were off trail. Somehow someone found it past the main entrance of the hospital and Horn-E led Just Kennette and Pool Boy through a parking lot. But no one was on the other side. Hmmm. Thinking Its Too Soft’s roof for a beer stop, Horn-E led Just Kennette over there and down another alley. Hey, he’s thinking. If her name was only Sally. But no beer. So we headed north in a tightening loop and found the pack in a little park. All was good.
Back at the bar we found the missing W Jew 40 and three house puppies, Chicken Stifer, Poultry Fucker and Ginger Snatch. Had to leave before the circle so I don’t know what happened after that.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, Feb 13, 2011 by Horn-E

This was from Burton Place and our hares were Sandy Syphilis and Mount Schwiiinga. We had 19 trail hounds on a beautiful day as all of the cuddly house bound puppies finally came out. We headed to the west to La Salle and a Split. Trail went south to a Check a block later. Up Loader took off like a streak and found trail through Sandburg Village. Unfortunately he missed a turn into a gangway. But Horn-E and Virgin Banger didn’t and led to the next Check at Goethe and Clark. They went east and only found two marks. Trail went south to a Triple Split at Division. With Horn-E and Virgin Banger running parallel, they spotted a mark on Division and were off in front again. A block later I found myself already falling back and that was the last I saw of the lead. Well, I did see the lead several more times. About a block away, just as the leader found the third mark after a Check. We did wander the Gold Coast and finally headed to the lake in the tunnel on North Ave. I did notice our four virgins, running like the four horseman. Or was it like some top ten runners in the Shamrock Shuffle. This led to a trip over the foot bridge and back into the park. I was now running with Soggy Deposits, Tumbleweed of the Pubes, International Virgin and Salty Gash. We barely managed to keep someone in sight as we enter the city on Armitage and worked our way south and west to the residence of Sandy Syphilis. and here we had to go through this narrow canyon and through a waterfall, full with the spring melt down, before climbing to the top of the mountain. Or was it a narrow gangway and a rooftop deck. Here there was fruit drinks available. No beer despite a BN on trail. We did find the short cutters Are They Real, Rent A Virgin and The Virgin’s Virgin.
After this we headed back to the bar where we found a six pack of house puppies, Chicken Stifer, R-Tard-E, Calvin Klein, SnatchSquatch, Batteries Not Included and Beer Spill Valdez.
We headed to the upper bar where Are They Real got the beer flowing. and it was just about all good beer as all beers were $8/pitcher and naturally we wanted good beers. Calvin Klein soon called a circle together and it was a good circle as he nailed the hares for that shitty trail and many others. We did have four virgins to call out and introduce to the hash. they included Just Stephani, Just Dale, Just Christy, and Just Adam #2. The party did rage on for once as we continued drinking the good beer available. Other hounds on trail included Just Chris, Just Adam #1, Glory Hole, Its Too Soft and O’Shitty Runch.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 6 Feb 2011 by Horn-E

We had the usual crew of Ballsalotapus, Cum In My Ass Fault, Just Do Me Slowly and the main trail hare, Virtually Hung back to Paulie’s for another Chinese New Years Day Hash. I got out of bed at 1:31. Late. Shit happens. Somehow I managed to get there in time for a late start and just in time to give my name before the fireworks start of the hash. Nice pack, not to large because of the snow, but 18 hounds. And we headed south for two blocks before a Triple Split. Last to the start, Horn-E managed to find this mark and lead, the wrong way. The marks were partially buried in the fresh snow and the first mark looked like a turn. It went straight. Damn. First for two feet and never again. We started to head towards Chinatown following last years On In trail. But this only lasted through a field and an narrow passage and suddenly past last years beer stop and then north. Trail went into an alley and they were lost. Suddenly Horn-E saw someone emerge a block north and apparently On. He wasn’t, but the trail did go north. We then went back west. Huh. Chinatown is east. We found a Check in two blocks. Lifa found marks to the west and then north through a tunnel. But there were no marks at the other end. So we returned. Horn-E again tried to find marks to the east, but that damn devious hare was having none of it. Trail was found to the north under the highway and back towards the bar. Huh. But only for a short block and then over to Halsted. Now we headed through a tunnel under the tracks. We followed and Horn-E was now last behind Mudsucker and again was assuming that he had to go east. Damn, A block north and the trail went west through some new housing areas. Horn-E finally managed to pass the rear, mostly walking Stab ’em & Slab ’em, Special Head, and Bloody Thighs. We went further east and then into a tunnel to the south and a split. Had us all confused and people running back when Lifa found a very hidden mark. We came out at the south end and headed east and up to a rail right a way. Here was another Split and many were out in the main rail area looking all over. But it was Ginger Snatch who found marks to the south through deep snow. The KGB was soon passing Horn-E and right behind her. From here the trail headed west and eventually south and a Check that regrouped the pack. I think it was Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off who found this trail because I short cut and paralleled and she came back to where I was, in front. We now headed south together and ran along a little park. Eventually some ran into the park and Tampon Tampoff found marks to the south. Well, both trails came into each other. The original trail actually led to that trail in the park and we were soon on that trail and heading east. A few blocks later we hit another rail right a way and I followed Ginger Snatch to the north. Last in this pack, but there were still about ten behind us and out of sight.
Two blocks later we were at a beer stop. The Asian bimbos, Just Do Me Slowly and Cum In My Ass Fault were serving beer like beautiful Wanchi girls. Ballsalotapus was playing Mandarin, Calvin Klein and Batteries Not Included, who didn’t run were there drinking our beer. And about ten hounds. We all watched some city front loader wasting taxpayer money shoveling snow into trucks when there were these two huge empty fields to plow snow into. Our city at work. Eventually the rest of the pack arrived.
Horn-E finally left the beer stop and led back to the bar where the house puppies were waiting, Just Melinda, Blue Balls sitting at the bar. Its Too Soft playing with his TV. No, not transvestite. Crop Duster the victim of a power mower was lame. Soon everyone came in.
Best story of the trail was Just Ryan who managed to find a plastic milk carton on trail and picked it up. Trouble was, a milk carton to some is a commode to others. Suddenly his gloves smelled like, well, SHIT. He would be named much later that day. Hobo Shit? No. He shall now be know as O’Shitty Runch. Somehow Horn-E was called out as DFL despite coming in ahead of about ten hashers and did a down down. It is a conspiracy. The hares did many as usual and well deserved. Our virgin was called out, Just Jake. He’ll be back. Many more drank, for running and not running and other stupid things, to numerous to mention.
Finally circle was called and food was served. Good flied lice. Then a raffle was held. I didn’t win anything. I finally got a ride home and took it. My feet were wet and cold and I needed a warm shower. Good time.
Who else was there? Nut Roper doing a Rahm Emanuel impersonation by almost losing his finger. But at least he got his caught in a pussy. Just Chris, Just Jeff, Bubbles The Sad Beer Clown, Whoreo, and 69 Cent Man,

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 30 Jan 2011 by Horn-E

This was the birthday hash for Calvin Klein and he and Batteries Not Included were our hares from Joe’s again. $3.75 pitchers of water. I mean Coors Light. And cupcakes and pizzas.
But first the trail. The hares they went and laid a shitty trail. and Happy Ass Grabber really started out the circle in a shitty manner. Was this a prophecy. We had a pack of 18, the first good sized pack for Chicago in some time. We headed to the east and through an alley. Was there a Check? The pack was scattered and I was off with Just Clio to the north when the pack took off to the south, We followed them through two alleys until I spotted a short cut through an empty lot. The pack was swinging north and we followed across North ave in an alley and on across Halsted. Horn-E was definetly falling behind with only Just Shawnna behind him. That didn’t last long and he was soon all alone in the back. In the distance he could see Return To Gender from Madison and Its Too Soft. they occasionally drifted in sight and out of sight. Like at Clybourn where Horn-E caught the light and they disappeared again. Trail went north behind the old Goose Island brewery building and to the north to Cortland and then a long straight stretch across the river and to a Check at Elston. So far guessing right at each unmarked Split and Check was working. It was mostly easy to predict this trail and the marks weren’t far out, which explains why the pack got so stretched out. Anyhow, guessing the trail went south on Elston proved correct and the first mistake was made at the next Split. One arrow pointed up onto the tracks. Could we possibly be getting into some good shit. Not. Coming back Horn-E found Its Too Soft and Return To Gender coming up behind him and passing him. Now where did he pass them? Anyhow, the three mostly ran together all of the way back to the bar on a fairly straight back course. Dead Fucking Last. Not. about five minutes later Lifa came in bitching about how none of the Splits or Checks were marked. That’s because the hares stayed in the bar and drank beer while we ran. And how in hell did we get past Lifa?
In the circle, Uploader was called for being the FRB. And the hares got numerous well deserved down downs and several birthday down downs. Calvin Klein led the circle and we all had a good time until the pizza arrived. Fuck the circle, that pizza was good. Good cupcakes for desert and we all finally left. Who else was on trail? Rhotan, 10 Dix With Wings, Mouthful Of Meat, Platypussy, Taste The Rainbow, Just Lisa, Chicken Stifer, Poultry Fucker, Just Ryan and Just Chris. Soul Taco and Ice Princess showed up late for the party looking like the newest Hash Couple in matching colors. I just found out that Ice Princess is planning on doing an Iron Man Triathalon in Sept. That is a hell of a lot more work then I ever plan on doing for any event. Good luck.

Damn, I just checked the snow at 2AM. My courtyard has 15 good solid inches of snow. The hashing is really going to be good this weekend.

On On
Horn-E