Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1550.5

Hash Trash: 6/28/08 CHICAGO JV- #1
Hares: Chicken Stiffer
Venue: The Union
VIRGINS: Just Martin, Just Max, Just Eric, Just Noah
VISITORS: K.O. (Boise Larrikins) Too Drunk (Boise Larrikins)
HASHERS: Its Too Soft, R-Tard-E, Rotten Whore, Just John, Just Brett, The Porcelain God, The Great Lochness Cockster, 2 Tickets Too A Pair a Thighs, Wrapper Snatcher, Moan On Trail,
VIRGINS= 5
VISTORS= 2
TOTAL HASHERS= 17

Well the CHICAGO HASH JV #1 took place on Saturday and my thoughts were we would be lucky to get 10 hashers to show up, but we got 17 people out on the first hash and I was surprised. R-TARD-E was drinking at NOON good R-TARD. WRAPPER SNATCHER gave me a big kiss for promoting this idea because she can�t hash on Monday nights and has no car to get out to other hashers. This was the sentiment of 4 other Chicago Hashers one that was present and 3 that were not but said they will show up for the JV hash #2 if they can. This was the main reason to start this hash going but two other reasons presented themselves today as well. We had two great visitors from the BOISE LARRIKINS hash who would have gone without hashing today if it wasn�t for this hash; something I completely forgot about was the possibility of more visitors showing up? Boy am I a dumb ass or what? Don�t answer that!!! The other reason was to allow more virgins to make hash and they did and they loved it!!
The Hash started at 1 pm and even that didn�t seem to screw anyone up people made it on time and 2 TICKETS TOO A PAIR A THIGHS and THE GREAT LOCHNESS COCKSTER even arrived at their usual time, 5-minutes late. Our new virgins got in the spirit of things and JUST MARTIN, JUST MAX, and JUST ERIC were doing te-kill-me shots before they ran I set a live trail through the beautiful architecture of Lincoln Park/Lakeview neighborhoods. I ran through alleyways and alleys and even cut right by the CHICKEN house, which confused many hashers who thought the beer stop would be there. The trail ended at the OLD PARTY CENTRAL where our lovely hostess MOAN ON TRAIL waited for us with semi-cold TECATE. The pack came in with the THE GREAT LOCHNESS COCKSTER as our FRB and ROTTEN WHORE was our FBI. We waited for the rest to show up but TOO DRUNK was having a calf problem. I didn�t set trail to the farm of the LINCOLN PARK ZOO so I had no idea what he was talking about.
The pack made it back to the Union where we took over the bar from two patrons and when we sang our songs with verve and gusto they decided to leave the beer garden to the hashers. ROTTEN WHORE was given a down-down for using three lines to mark true trial, which confused our visitors because three lines in Boise is a false trail. We sang songs for our virgins and we called out JUST JOHN and WRAPPER SNATCHER for no hash attire. THE RA-CHICKEN was given a down-down for great weather and shitty trail. ITS TOO SOFT couldn�t even sing the song he picked for the RA correctly and was punished. MOAN ON TRAIL showed up in her familiar plaid blue hat and drank RED BULL and VODKA, hmmm good!!! The PORCELAIN GOD was being too frisky with the SNATCHER and was called out as well. The Circle lasted about 30 minutes and we enjoyed $6 pitchers of Bud Light and $10 pitchers of Guinness and then we sang Swing Low. After we did close circle we got arounf to naming JUST BRETT. Names
like big feet, little dick and other red headed names flew but JUST BRETT is now SNATCHSQUATCH. The CUBS-SOX game was on and about half-hour after we closed circle the heavy deluge came so no one else can claim they ran this hash because all the marks are now gone. JV # 2 should take place on JULY 26, 2008 and we might tie it into the LINCOLN STREET FESTIVAL. Maybe run at 1 pm and then go see a great band play?

CHICKEN STIFFER- CH3 GM

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1550

Nellie Darling, You Suck!
By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times
Hashed 16+7=23 June 2008, 7PM
Party Central Skydeck

CHICAGO #1550 – It took the hashers a little while to get use to the camera, after all you never know when you are going to show up on COPS! According to CHICKEN STIFFER the camera was just there for some sort of Comcast Sports show (Runner’s Ultimate Network), although it is my personal belief that they were anthropologists, sort of like Jane Goodall. After some prodding, people began to open up and talk to the camera like BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED.
There were quite a few people that hadn’t been around lately that finally showed up after apparently learning how to use the internet once again. CUM IN MY ASSFAULT had been missing since Easter as well as JUST NORA, showing up for her second time (hopefully she understands that she is not going to get fed at every hash). ONE HANDED TYPIST and HOOKED ON TONICS also made an appearance to prove to the rest of the hash that they have not died or moved to Kathmandu. While those mentioned came fashionably late, others just came fashionable. Many had on their 30 Years of Hashing shirts from the weekend to include THE ENEMA CANAL, BLOODY THIGHS, PRINCESS LABIA, and JUST BRETT. JUST EMILY had the most interesting shirt of all with the words “Sludge Muffins” on it.
After some brief pre-intoxication the hashers were finally herded down to the alley behind Party Central so there could be discussions of marks. VIRTUALLY HUNG had already departed by that time and left the Chalk Talk to CHICKEN as the Brown Line roared past to drown out our introductions. With CHICKEN having no idea which way VIRTUAL went to, our Chalk Talk turned into our first Check. CROP DUSTER and MOLDY MAN SAC went north to look for trail while ENEMA decided to head south to look for trail only to stop dead in their tracks and head back. SUPER STUFF’HER, CUMS ON I LEAN, R-TARD-E, and JUST I LEAN slowly brought up the rear as they took turn wearing the manly doggie backpack and walking Beulah the non-drinking dog.
But what we all really care about is what happened afterwards under the guidance of CALVIN KLEIN and ENEMA. Due to all the virgins that had arrived, it became necessary to show them how to do a proper down-down, so we called out MORE TAIL and another hasher (who will remain nameless because he lost his Trial by Down-Down) to show the Virgins how to empty their vessels. You would think that people would learn not to wear new shoes but JUST ED noticed that ANAL ASSAULT had picked up a bright new pair of Asics. To thank him for his keen sense of sight we had him drink from the left as she drank from the right (now that’s teamwork). With all the hashers there it wasn’t unusual for there to be a lot of side conversations and we called out a few for being disruptive. It came to the RA’s notice that W’ALL BANGHER couldn’t keep quiet while HORN-E was reading a letter to the kennel so she was asked to keep quiet by Down-Down. Of course nobody learns so we also had to pull in ROTTEN WHORE for the same reason (surprise, surprise!) and then JUST BRETT who apparently defeated our arm-straightening pipe (the guy is just too big).
UPLOADER also received the fabled 10th run whistle so now he can tell the rest of us where true trail is. Finally, we had a very interesting take on Nellie Darling as we returned her book which was lost last week and chanted “You Suck” in between every line. So set your TIVOs to record on the 5th of July because that’s all the info you’re getting from me.
HARES (4): Chicken Stiffer, Virtually Hung, Calvin Klein, It’s Too Soft
VIRGINS (7): Just Brad, Just Ira, Just Leah, Just Ines, Just Kelly, Just Adam, Just Cari,
VISITORS (2): Hot Lips (Grand Rapids), Fuck Me til I Turn Brown (Boston),
HASHERS (52): Anal Assault, The Enema Canal, Just Brett, Just Amanda, Just I Lean, Risky Business, Cumma Slutra, Cums On I Lean, Batteries Not Included, R-Tard-E, Crop Duster, Salty Gash, Sit-n-Pee (Just Ed), Just Allie, One Handed Typist, Just Jenn, Just Eva, Moldy Man Sac, 867-5309, More Tail, Odor Eater, Rotten Whore, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Barry-o-man Loan, Just Bill, Dr. Poolittle, Bloody Thighs, Horn-E, Just Nora, Super Stuf’Her, Mouthful of Meat, Just Nettie, International Virgin, Princess Labia, W’all Bangher, Porcelain God, 2 Tickets to a Pair of Thighs, The Great Lochness Cockster, Stupidman (Kenosha Sucks), Cum in My Assfault, Just Emily, Sir Poops A Lot, Moan On Trail, Hooked on Tonics, Just John, Just Shari, Just Emily, Mount Schwiiinga, Carpet Shagger, Just Allison, Uploader
CUBS – 3
W. SOX – 0
TOTAL HASHERS – 65
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Odor Eater cries everytime he watches “Little Women.”
_____

CH3 #1550

Hare(s): Chicken Stiffer, Calvin Klein, Fuji & Virtually Hung
Venue: The Party Central Skydeck – 933 W Wolfram, Rooftop (just NE of the Diversey Brown Line stop)
Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8 as we re-invest our savings from buying bushels of fresh tomatoes which for some odd reason are unusually cheap at the local market. Normal hash cash of eight bucks includes catered food and at least one keg on the Skydeck!!!!
THE Chicago Hash House Harriers will be celebrating our 30th Anniversary with Chicken Stiffer, Calvin Klein, Fuji and Virtually Hung takeing the pack on a scenic romp through the Lincoln Park “Green Zone”. This one’s at our doorsteps!
Join the Chicago Hash House Harriers as we celebrate THE Chicago Hash House Harriers’ 30th Anniversary this year with the CH3’s special 30th Anniversary Hash.!!
To help celebrate this great milestone we will be providing FOOD catered in and have a keg on the Skydeck too so you know we’re not gonna run out of beer. Don’t forget to call in sick from work on Tuesday! As a bonus we’re even gonna throw in a couple bushels of fresh tomatoes which for some strange reason were unusually cheap at the market this week…
ALL FOR ONLY $8 USUAL HASH CASH!!!
Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit
From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Fullerton, Brown Line to the recently re-opened Diversey stop (woo-hoo!!!), hoof it 1/2 block North up Sheffield and right (East) into the alley before Wolfram. Cross under the L tracks and into the first driveway to your left after the big fenced parking lot next to the tracks. Go up the back porch stairs to the Skydeck.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Logan Square. Hoof it a couplea blocks North to Diversey and take the Diversey #76 bus East to Sheffield.
Driving
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Diversey & Sheffield. Side streets are resident zone permit after 6pm so best bet is Sheffield South of Diversey or Diversey West of Sheffield. Many meters in this ’hood are 9pm or Sunday check your meter before parking your precious sled.
______
From the Chicken:
Also the Comcast Sports Net running program that visited us On Monday and interviewed hashers and taped our run will air on JULY 5, 2008 at 5 pm before the SOX game. MAYBE someone will become famous.
http://runnersultimatenet.com/
Nice job everyone helping out for the CHICAGO HASH’s 30th Celebration. CALVIN and VIRTUAL laid a great trail. ONE HANDED TYPIST for the awesome beer stop. JUST I LEAN and CUMS on I LEAN for cooking. BATTERIES AND JUST AMANDA for beer wenching. IT was just a plus to have the TV CAMERA CREW around the whole night and hopefully we will see some new hashers join from the TV coverage. MOUTHFUL of MEAT for hare raising and finally ITS TOO SOFT for the use of the deck. Glad to see we had such a great turn out and DON”T FORGET we hash SATURADY and MONDAY this week.
CHICKEN STIFFER
CH3-GM
______

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1549

Laying Trail Sucks. Literally.

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times
Hashed 16 June 2008, 7PM
Lottie’s (Dottie, We Likes to Party)

CHICAGO #1549 – Just ask GIDDY UP. Waking up after a fantastic night unlike anything she’s ever experienced, she discovers that her co-hare, VIRTUALLY HUNG, is a vampire. And Surprise! Now she’s one too. For some hares, the whole running-and-drinking thing would have been a deal breaker. But VIRTUAL and GIDDY UP are hashers, and they vow to work through their Checks.

But word has it that the hare who initially laid trail wasn’t supposed to be recruiting. Even worse, VIRTUAL’s erstwhile turkey-bowling pals are out to get him, at the urging of a red-haired Austin call girl named (duh) BRRR! And that really sucks.

If you recently picked up the literary gem “You Suck” by Christopher Moore, not only did you have an instant savings of $3.49 from Borders but THE ENEMA CANAL now has your book for safe keeping since the staff at 1925 W. Cortland will watch your bags but they are not keeping a library.

With the weather getting warmer one has to wonder if Hashers actually have some legal form of employment because the number of hashers showing up for Monday night is getting to the point where we are taking over the bars. “Now seating party of 40!” There are always your familiar faces like CUMS ON I LEAN, HORN-E, and JUST I LEAN. And there are the less than frequent like INTERNATIONAL VIRGIN, UP LOADER, MOLDY MAN SAC and JUST AMANDA. But now we are getting people we ran out of town like PRICK OF THE LITTER who lives down in Nashville town. It doesn’t matter as long as everyone pays their Hash Cash and makes an attempt to get lost (which is why you pay first.)

We also had a high number of virgins, 7 total (Mohammed has 4 and 20 virgins [with comments like this I’m going on the naughty list like Salman Rushdie]). JUSTs RENI, MANDY, MARTHA, EVA, ANDREA, EMILY, and JENNA for one reason or another showed up with probably not the slightest idea of what was to happen. Of course they should be okay as VIRTUAL’s explanation of Hash Marks is always easy to understand. I still believe that DR. FUCKS A LOT from Buffalo (He didn’t go to 4 years of fucking medical school to be called “mister”) was still confused how we did things here. We introduced ourselves to the virgins while TWO TICKETS TO A PAIR OF THIGHS tried to blend in with them. And then we dispersed like a flash mob hopped up on caffeine.

The day that JUST JOHN was introduced to hashing, the FRBs must have taught him all the wrong things ass he was passing up THE PORCELAIN GOD and CROP DUSTER on the trail. Meanwhile JUST AMY was busy chatting about awesome yoga stretches with her virgin. W’ALL BANGHER was looking very determined to be one of the front runners as she was prepared with her blue knee pads. As for CHICKEN STIFFER and HORN-E, if past experiences serve me well, they were probably far off trail hoping to find a short cut.

The hares, whom still suck, were particularly mean today as they circle jerked and zig-zagged the trail back and forth. LIFA enjoys these trails while R-TARD-E is just trying to be the DFL, again and again and again. Which brings us to our non-descript beer stop which at least one hasher almost ran right by. ENEMA played a cruel joke on HORN-E by handing him an empty beer (acceptable hash behavior) to which HORN-E replied by opening his slightly shaken beer into ENEMA’s ear (also acceptable). CUMS ON I LEAN somehow beat all the other bimbos and was actually the FBI to the beer stop which means that all the others should be ashamed on themselves to losing to a “Walker” (Not that this is competitive by any means.)

So let’s fast forward to the On-In. Multiple hashers decided to harass our waitress with food orders thereby preventing the free flow of beer, shame on all of you involved especially JUST ALEXIS who should feed her tapeworm before she leaves the house. Amazingly a lot of NRB showed up to include MOUNT SCHWIINGA, TOO MUCH HEAD, WRAPPER SNATCHER, SALTY GASH, JUST CLAIRE, and I LIKE DICK (who oddly enough was behaving). BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and CUMS ON I LEAN were of immense help keeping vessels wet with the good stuff as the very noisy circle was going on, exhausting the Apprentice RAs repertoire of songs. Speaking of songs, we all learned it is hard to say “THE GREAT LOCHNESS COCKSTER has two but very small” fast enough to get to the next line.

HARES (2.5): Giddy Up, Virtually Hung, Giddy Up’s Driver
VIRGINS (7): Just Reni, Just Emily, Just Mandy, Just Martha, Just Eva, Just Andrea, Just Jenna
VISITORS (3): Dr. Fucks a Lot (Buffalo), Prick of the Litter (Nashville), BRRR (Austin)
HASHERS [with almost half being NRBs] (39): Two Tickets to a Pair of Thighs, The Great Lockness Cockster, Its Too Soft, Chicken Stiffer, Horn-E, 867-5309, Too Much Head, Wrapper Snatcher, The Porecelain God, Sit-n-pee? (Just Ed), The Enema Canal, UpLoader, Salty Gash, EZ on the Ass, Likes it on the Bottom, R-Tard-E, W’all Bangher, Batteries not Included, Cums on I Lean, Just I Lean, Mouthful of Meat, Just Alexis, Just Claire, Just Nettie, Mount Schwiiinga, Just John, More Tail, Moldy Man Sac, I Like Dick, Just Amy, Mudsucker, Sir Poops a Lot, International Virgin, Crop Duster, Risky Business, Just Brett, Just Amanda, and Lifa
TOTAL: 52 Peeps
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Hashers are placed in alphabetical order by favorite movie.
Favorite movie of Two Tickets is: Annie
Favorite movie of Lifa is: Waterworld

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1548

Hash Trash: 6/9/08
Hares: Super Stuf�her, Mouthful of Meat, Just I Lean
Venue: Time Out Sports Bar
VIRGINS: Just Cynthia, Just Betsy, Just Karina
VISITORS: Footloose and Panty Free
HASHERS: One Penis Full, Zero to Sixty, Horn-e, Just John, Just Brett, Just Ray, Mount Schwiiinga, Milk My Yak, Just Angelle, More Tail, Risky Business, Lifa, Cumma Slutra, Hoosier Daddy, Just Amanda, Just Sooz, Just Amy, R-Tard-E, Chicken Stiffer, Mud Sucker, Bloody Thighs, Just Tim, Just Julia, Calvin Klein, Batteries not Included, Cums on I Lean, Giddy Up, Its Too Soft, Carpet Shagger, I Like Dick, Bang Me, Blow Me, Get Me Off, Bag Squeezer, Just Alexis
VIRGINS= 3
VISITORS= 1
TOTAL HASHERS= 40

The afternoon began ominously with heavy rains at 2 pm but CALVIN our Religious Advisor (RA) made a deal with mother nature and got us great running weather at 7:30 pm. MOUTHFUL OF MEAT gave us instructions for the trail paying great attention to details so our virgins would know what to do on trail. Her only mis-step was she left out they were using red flour on trail but what the hell. JUST CYNTHIA, JUST BETSY, and JUST KARINA decided to try this hash thing for the first time and hopeful we will see them again next week. Mouthful finished with the chalk talk and pointed us to go north. The Pack was off and soon had traffic stopped at the corner of Rockwell and LeLand. LIFA and JUST JOHN looked to be leading the pack through the beautiful but puddle filled Ravenswood area. FOOTLOOSE and PANTY FREE was kind enough to show the GM which way the hares went, and they went NW across Lawrence. Again you couldn�t have asked for a better night to hash with the temps
only in the low 70�s all night. We had plenty of help on trail with hashers like BLOODY THIGHS, CALVIN, LIFA, and CHICKEN STIFFER marking trail for the slower hashers. The trail ran close to the house of JUST AMANDA and VIRGIN BANGER but then turned back south through Lincoln Square. JUST TIM was leading the pack and the hares tried to be funny by laying a circle jerk but most of the back of the pack caught it and ran straight down the alley instead of wasting their energy. The pack found trail going thru Welles Park across from O�Lanagans, a great hasher bar, in the past. The Check here was a little confusing but MORE TAIL along with others figured it out. HORN-E was pointing people to run south but ran west himself down Montrose? Later we caught up with him on trail talking to Ex-GM MUDSUCKER. The next check was on Irving Park near the River and our good Friend BAG SQUEEZER found trail going west on the south side of Irving Park but it eventually crossed back over
and went to the corner of Kimball and ADDISON. Here the hares were lucky because there was a drinking fountain on trail that the pack used. The pack had a choice of an eagle-turkey split here and JUST ALEXIS and JUST CYNTHIA went on the eagle trail with no hesitation. I believe JUST JULIA, BAG SQUEEZER, and CUMMA SLUTRA went right with them on the longer trail. MUDSUCKER, JUST ANGELLE, RISKY BUSINESS, and some others ran thru the park doing the turkey trail. I waited around for Calvin and we did the Eagle trail after I marked the Turkey split as the ON-ON trail for our walkers. CALVIN and I caught up with HOOSIER DADDY on the other side of the park and along with JUST ANGELLE we ran into the beer stop at Sunnyside Park?
The Park was full of mosquitoes and they seemed to be having a field day on JUST BETSY because she kept hitting herself again and again. JUST AMY enjoyed the fine can of Schlitz she found in the cooler while most got stuck with a fine beer from the Czech Republic called Budweiser. We finished our beers and meandered back to the bar 4 blocks away. Back at the bar we had to wait for a couple of locals to finish pool and then beg to get the music turned down but eventually we got the circle going. MANY THANKS GOES TO CUMS ON I LEAN for dealing with the bartender who was not a pleasant person tonight even though the hares got the ok from the bar owner to use his bar. CALVIN got the circle running and preceded to handout out down-downs for FRB�s, DFL�s, and RE-boots. WE got BANG ME, BLOW ME, GET ME OFF, Mount Schwiinga, CARPET SHAGGER, and ITS TO SOFT for not even running trail. JUST TIM was accused of farting on trail in front of CUMMA SLUTRA and was nailed for it or was
CUMMA SLUTRA nailed? JUST ALEXIS seemed to be using technology on trail but come on she�s an urologist and has to be on call in case someone�s inflates blow! I LIKE DICK even decided to make it to the ON-IN after work and boy did the group miss DICK and he even got his 3.2 down-downs. GIDDY UP announced that the CH3 hash is next week MONDAY JUNE 16 at Lotties in the BUCK TOWN neighborhood. JUST SOOZ and JUST AMY were making merry in the corner and it was nice for JUST SOOZ to make this her second hash in 6 months? CALVIN finally ended this circle of death and many hashers went their own ways. The hash did get together to perform a couple of namings tonight. JUST TIM who we tried to name last week was honored with the name of �CROP DUSTER� for his flatulence on trail. JUST ANGELLE was given the �INTERNATIONAL VIRGIN� because every overseas hash she goes to she claimed she was just a virgin. See you next week and plan for the 30th ANNIVERSARY on JUNE 23, 2008!!!

Chicken Stiffer
CH3-GM

CH3 #1548

Chicago Hash #1548 – 6.9.08 @ Time Out Sports Bar

Hare(s): Super Stuff’her & Mouthful of Meat
Venue: Time Out Sports Bar – 4641 N Rockwell
Hash Cash: Still only a mere $8 despite OMG the Cubs having the best record in baseball since the First Roosevelt Administration (1908)! Live long enough you’ll see everything and possibly something else too. I predict a Cubs World Series victory in October 5046. You heard it here first.

Come join Super Stuff’her (and Mouthful of Meat) as he celebrates his 12th birthday in Hash out in the mythical land of dragons & unicorns abd where the Brown Line runs on the GROUND!

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit ?
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview “Green Zone”: Red Line to Belmont, Briown Line to Rockwell, bar is like Party Central, i.e. right next to the Brown Line Station at Rockwell & Eastwood.
From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Jefferson Park, Lawrence #81 bus East to Rockwell, hoff it 1-1/2 blocks South to Eastwood & Rockwell.

Driving ?
Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Eastwood & Rockwell. Parking is fairly plentiful this far outside of the Green Zone, just not on the L tracks, please. There is just something juar so wrong about da L being on da ground!