Chicago Hash House Harriers

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Cum-Times

Hashed 19 May 2008, 7:30 PM
Double Bubble at 6036 N. Broadway

CHICAGO #1545 � �Ummm, this is a little different than I�m used to. The Brown line isn�t this�creepy,� said MOUTHFUL OF MEAT as she was heading to the Double Bubble in Uptown. This phrase would foreshadow the idiocy to follow.

Upon learning that the hares for this hash were none other than SUPER STUF�HER, JUST I LEAN, and R-TARD-E; many of the hashers were frightened off as was evident by the high number of JUSTs that showed up. JUST JULIA, JUST SCOTT, JUST SHEDI, JUST JOHN, JUST ANGELLE, and JUST TIFFANY were some of our less frequent JUSTs. Rounding out the JUSTs was JUST TIM and JUST AMANDA (holy crap! We have enough to start up a JUST HHH or a bowling league!)

Apparently R-TARD-E fame has yet to leave the general Chicago area, as we also had three foolish visitors that showed up. MASTERCHUGGER came all the way from Houston along with PIPES who is originally from the Hamersly HHH (I believe it�s a Houston suburb) and finally was CREAMIN AND SCREAMIN from Waukesha. Of the three of them, only PIPES showed enough sense to stay at the Double Bubble and drink while the others ran the trail.

As the �Running of the Hares� approached, R-TARD-E attempted to give his Chalk Talk lecture. Due to the high amount of confusion, CHICKEN STIFFER was forced to step up and act as our R-TARD-ese (or is it R-TARD-ish?) translator. Even with this translation it was evident that our virgin, JUST TIFFANY, may become completely lost even with R-TARD-E sweeping.

Thankfully, we had enough hash veterans that could lead all of our JUSTs to the Beer Stop and then the On-In (we hope). With the introductions complete, we set off heading away from downtown. It wasn�t long until we had discovered that this would definitely be a�what�s the word I�m looking for�hmmm�Oh! That�s it!…A �Shitty� (NOTE: Finger quotes necessary) trail! The 3rd mark we encountered was scratched out because it pointed back to the bar!

For those that weren�t there and those looking to hare, now is the time for �Good Idea, Bad Idea.� Good Idea: pre-laying the trail so you don�t have to worry about running your trail before the On-Out. Bad Idea: pre-laying the trail 2 days before the hash! Yes, the hares laid the trail a whole 2 days before.

So, back to the trail. Ahem�So after the 3rd mark we found ourselves running some very long straight-aways which could only mean that the Hares had a special destination for us. JUST TIM, JUST JOHN, and CALVIN KLEIN led the pack most of the way until we started getting into more residential areas that would soon split up the pack. As normal, HORN-E started searching for trail off-trail while CHICKEN did the same. The bimbos were also being competitive that day with MORE TAIL and JUST AMANDA fighting for the pole position.

Most of the Checks and Splits that were left for the pack to run were solved almost immediately by the FRBs with the exception of one, allowing MAGENTIC MUFF and MUDSUCKER to catch up. THE ENEMA CANAL headed west to find trail only to give up and head back to the Check. Upon seeing him I LIKE DICK, with his headphones on and hands in his pocket, be-bopped past ENEMA and asked �So, did you find it?�

3X A LADY was able to pick up the trail and the pack slowly made its way toward the ocean�err�Lake Michigan. Due to rising prices worldwide, the hares were unable to purchase flour for trail (mostly attributed to the food riots at the Aldi on N. Broadway). As such, the trail took us through Hartigan Park where STUF�HER and I LEAN marked every rock they could with chalk. It was also at this park that JUST TIM was caught being chivalrous, allowing a harriette to pass through a gate ahead of him.

After clearing the park, we found ourselves ignoring the Splits that pointed at walls and fences. No-one was planning to climb fences around Loyola with Campus Police patrolling. Bouncing from boulder to boulder JUST JOHN and 3 X A LADY discovered the Beer Stop. Soon everyone arrived with MAGNETIC MUFF taking the last 70� Budweiser, forcing HORN-E and SIR POOPS A LOT to choke down 98.6� Bud Lights. The real surprise was the arrival of CHIPPENDALE, whom arrived last to become our DFL, although he blames the sweeping hare for poor sweepery.

With the warm beer vanquished we headed back to the On-In to meet up with IT�s TOO SOFT and JUST JOAN. With the crowd all gathered CALVIN introduced his RA-in-Training, THE ENEMA CANAL. Unfortunately, with his recent accomplishment of being the FRB, as well as yelling �I LIKE DICK� in a gay bar at Indy Prom Dress; ENEMA dragged CALVIN into a couple of Down-Downs. Fueled with $5 beer pitchers the RA�s struck back.

FBIs CREAMIN AND SCREAMIN and CUMS ON I LEAN were brought in to drink for crime of competiveness. Afterwards MORE TAIL was called out for stripping on trail while JUST TIM was called out for his chivalry. CHICKEN STIFFER was cited for his poor translation of R-TARD-ish, neglecting to tell us of the Turkey and Eagle trails. The bartender was not immune, as he was forced to drink a Down-Down. PETERBILT demonstrated the fastest (and sloppiest) Down-Down to date for our virgin. We all said our farewells to CHIPPENDALE who will willingly(?) welcome us to visit him in Denver (where the shorts go even higher). To celebrate or mourn her birthday, we sang the Birthday Dirge for BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. But of course, the most important task to fulfill was to help raise the average number of down-downs for I LIKE DICK�s spreadsheet.

�What can I say? CALVIN hates me. I do more Down-Downs than anyone else. I do 3.15 Down-Downs per hash. I�ve got a spreadsheet.� Well, that number has gone up.

HARE (3) � Just I Lean, Super Stuf�her and R-Tard-E

VISITOR (3) � Master Chugger from Houston HHH, Pipes from Hamersley HHH, Creamin and Screamin from Waukesha HHH(sucks!)

VIRGIN (1) � Just Tiffany

THE PACK (23) � Horn-E, The Enema Canal, Calvin Klein, Just Amanda, Milk My Yak, Just Tim, Sir Poops A Lot, Mouthful of Meat, Cums On I Lean, Just Scott, Just Julia, Just Shedi, Just John, 3x A Lady, Mudsucker, Anal Assault, More Tail, Magnetic Muff, Virgin Banger, I Like Dick, Chippendale, Chicken Stiffer & Just Angelle

AT THE BAR (5) � It�s Too Soft, Just Joan, Batteries Not Included & Peterbilt, Soar Balls,

TOTAL � 35

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, ROTFL

By The Enema Canal
Chicago Trypoon

Hashed 12 May 2008 , 7:30 PM
The Beaumont at 2020 N. Halsted

CHICAGO #1544 – Temperatures in and around the “Green Zone” plummeted to all time lows as the Chicago Hash Team prepared to start their regular summer season after last week’s exhibition hash at the Red Apple. After watching from the sidelines during the winter hashes, BAG SQUEEZER set out to lay his first trail with veteran CHICKEN STIFFER backing him up.

The team is looking good this year after recent acquisitions in the free agent market, picking up MORE TAIL in a last minute trade with Boston HHH. This will give more depth to the bench especially with NO PENETRATION still out after his injury during the off-season from riding motorcycles through flaming hoops..

After the chalk talk was completed, strategerie (it’s a real word, even if spellchecker disagrees) was discussed, and introductions made; the pack was off towards the glitzy shops on Armitage. Recently named HOOSIER DADDY (the hasher formerly known as JUST ROB) and THE ENEMA CANAL quickly took the lead and followed the trail down some alleyways.

As always for the FRBs, it wasn’t too long until they started running into Splits and Checks and falling further and further back due to poor decision making skills (intelligence is not a pre-requisite for hashing). THE PORCELAIN GOD (formerly JUST BRIAN) and JUST I LEAN started to move into the lead, especially when ENEMA followed JUST TIM down some extremely long and extremely wrong shortcuts (apparently common sense is not a pre-requisite either).

WRAPPER SNATCHER obviously felt that the rest of the pack was screwing up as she started issuing orders to the pack.

[NOTE: Read the next line in a high pitched voice.]

“I can’t run the check, I’ll die. You go check it,” (add laughter, the giggling kind) she ordered sending ENEMA down a false trail..

[NOTE, NOTE: Okay that was very good, but you didn’t have to read it out loud. I mean just look around, people are staring, aren’t they? Now would be a good time for an awkward laugh.]

No one was immune to her demands and I’m sure she sent SIR POOPS A LOT and JUST STEVE on similar geese chases. We’re lucky we didn’t have to carry her to the Beer Stop at Oz Park.

At the Beer Stop the fatigue started to affect everyone. Remarkably, it seemed as if MOUTHFUL OF MEAT, CUMS ON I LEAN, and SALTY GASH weren’t winded the slightest bit. Along with them was CHICKEN STIFFER who had gone through a lot of trouble to transfer Summer Moon to MGD Light cans and then painstakingly reweld the mouths shut. JUST JODY showed up a few minutes later after running with another running-influenced group(Et tu, JODY?) It wasn’t long until the cold got to everyone with CUMA SLUTRA giving head to THE ENEMA CANAL without him ever asking (which is also a pre-requisite…No?…Honestly it is, I believe it is in Article 69 of the By-Laws for Greater Chicago Hashing…Look it up).

[NOTE X 3: As of this posting there is no Article 69 of the By-Laws for Greater Chicago Hashing because the paper that was supposed to be used to print it out was accidently used to make POP registration forms and origami cranes.]

At the On-In we were greeted by TOO MUCH HEAD (not possible but still great to be greeted with) and MT. SCHWIIINGA . Prior to starting the circle, BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED attempted to get CHICKEN to delay because CALVIN KLEIN was cuming. Rather than wait, we proceeded with CHICKEN Co-RAing with EZ ON THE ASS which lasted all of about 15 minutes. It wasn’t long until CHICKEN called JUST I LEAN and THE ENEMA CANAL in the circle for being the FRBs, only to screw up “They’re the Racists” and then forget to make the FRBs drink for their original offense. It was at this point CALVIN showed up.

So let’s try this again. CUMA SLUTRA was called for feeding a parking meter with a sticker displaying “MON-SAT; 9AM-6PM.” WRAPPER SNATCHER was called into the circle for using a vessel smaller than a shot glass and was required to finish off the remnants of a pitcher. WRAPPER SNATCHER and ENEMA also received their Swiss Army CH3 10th Run Combination Whistle/Can Opener/Lanyard.

Okay this is where things get a little fuzzy. Apparently at some point during all of this craziness and debauchery the bar ran out of LaBatts (No!) and forced us to drink $5 pitchers of Harp and Blue Moon (Oh…Darn). This was the most likely reason for the strange display from ENEMA who broke down in a fit of laughter during the Scooby version of “Swing Low.” Obviously, CALVIN had no choice but to temporarily close the circle while the kennel decided on the names for JUST ROB, JUST STEVE and JUST BRIAN. JUST STEVE keeps his amateur status for now but we now have HOOSIER DADDY and THE PORCELAIN GOD.

HARES (2) – Bag Squeezer and Chicken Stiffer

FRBs/FBIs (3) – Just I Lean, The Enema Canal , and Cuma Slutra

DFL (1) – Just Jody

PERMANENT VISITOR (1) – More Tail from Boston HHH

NAMED (2) – Just Brian is The Porcelain God; Just Rob is Hoosier Daddy

THE PACK (8) – Just Tim, R-Tard-E, Wrapper Snatcher, Sir Poops A Lot, Just Steve, Salty Gash, Mouthful of Meat, Cums On I Lean

LATE ONES (9) – Just Allison, Super Stuf’her, No Penetration, It’s Too Soft, Too Much Head, EZ On The Ass, Mt. Schwiiinga , Batteries Not Included, and Calvin Klein

Buffet Does Not Trump Ceremony

By The Enema Canal
Horny Planet

Hashed Cinco de Mayo 2008, 7:00 PM
Czerwone Jabluszko (Red Apple) at 3121 N. Milwaukee Ave.

CHICAGO #1543 – Despite the actual date of the Polish Constitution Day being 2 days earlier, Polonian pride was still overflowing and ready for a little run. Virgin Banger and our well mustachioed 69-Cent Man were responsible for laying the scenic trails throughout. Due to the nature of the establishment that we were to have the On-In in, it was decided that we would all stand in front of the Red Apple like the remnants of a poorly planned Polish pride parade. As evidence of the poor planning 3 X A Lady and Just Amanda showed up in red but non-Polish attire and I Like Dick forgot that China is not even on the same continent as Poland. This contrasted with Chicken Stiffer who wore the Polish flag like a cape and Just Brian with his “Kiss Me, I’m Polish” shirt.

After a brief, actually let’s make that long since we had to go through over 30 names, introduction we finally got on our way heading Northwest (or was it Southeast?) Regardless, the usual cast of FRBs, Uploader and The Great Lochness Cockster, were leading around the pack with a gaggle of hopelessly confused virgins; Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert. Once we wandered away from Milwaukee and started running through some of the more residential areas, Uploader and The Enema Canal started to figure out the hares’ tricks and started running on opposite sides of the streets to catch the Back Checks early.

All was well until we came upon a check that got the pack lost for a good while. At first the pack decided to go left and was unable to find a third mark, then they did a 180 and went down the other way to find 2 marks. On the way back we picked up Bloody Thighs and found the true trail which lead us just around a couple of corner to the Beer Stop. Gathered on the front porch we all helped finish the cans of Okocim and pose for the Polish version of It’s Too Soft with his digital Fujifilm disposable camera (can’t wait for the pictures). Before leaving we were told of another photo op just down the trail. About this time we finally picked up R-Tard-E, Cums On I Lean, and Just I Lean who happened to just show up.
Our next photo op took us near the house filmed in “Stir of Echoes” starring Kevin Bacon. This of course now means we are now 2 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon (If we were in the movie we would be moved up to 1 degree of separation). It also means we are famous (if you don’t believe me, then why are we in the Redeye, hmmmm?) However, we have no photographic proof that any of us passed by the house, what we do have is a picture in front of the doors of the Saint Hyacinth Basilica (4 degrees separated from Kevin Bacon). With the Fujifilm disposable reaching its memory card capacity, we all headed back to the Red Apple to kill the keg.

Inside the Red Apple, Just Tim and I Like Dick lost their minds and decided that they were too hungry to wait for the circle. As Dick said “I just thought with the buffett…….blah blah blah.” Get in the circle. Just Steve showed up a bit later because he was helped by his physical training program which means he’s cheating on us. A little later he was followed by EZ On The Ass who showed up for the wrong holiday who was wearing a sombrero and a fake mustache. I mention again that everyone’s facial hair paled in comparison to 69-Cent Man’s mustache, who will likely win at the 2009 World Beard and Moustache Championships in Alaska. We also welcomed many virgins but the most memorable one was none other than Just Allison who answered Calvin’s question of “favorite barnyard animal?” was none other than “To eat or to ride?” Before the evening was over, It’s Too Soft showed up to help kill the keg by 10PM.

HARES (2): 69-Cent Man & Virgin Banger

VIRGIN TERRITORY (5): Just Allison, Just Vick, Just Julia, Just Joe, and Just Robert

VISITOR (1): More Tail Boston H3

THE USUAL SUSPECTS (33): Just Brian, Just Rob, Uploader, 3 X A Lady , The Enema Canal, Puke Suit Riot, Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Joan, Just Mark , Just Angelle, Two Tickets To A Pair Of Thighs, 867-5309, Bag Squeezer, Just Tim, Calvin Klein, Takes Too Long To Cum, Rent A Virgin, Menage A Twat, No Penetration, The Great Lochness Cockster, Just Art, Just Joe, Risky Business, Sir Poops A Lot, Back Door Out Switch, Just Amanda, I Like Dick, Bloody Thighs, Polish Reporter, Wrapper Snatcher,and Lower Whackoff

THE LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): Cums On I Lean, Just I Lean, and R-Tard-E

THE REALLY LATE BUT STILL THIRSTY (3): EZ On The Ass, Just Steve, and It’s Too Soft

Call it a wild guess but I think these hashers are having fun! Left to right is Enema Canal, our fearless Just Amanda and next week’s hare Bag Squeezer! How ’bout that for an all-star lineup!

Hash Trash: 4/27/08
Hares: Its Too Soft and Lifa
Venue: Party Central 933 W. Wolfram

HASHERS- Chicken Stiffer, Cuma Slutra, Just Brian, Just Steve, The Enema Canal, Just Tim, Super Stuffer, Horn-E, Rotten Whore, Calvin Klein, Batteries Not Included, Just Rob, Lifa, Bloody Thighs, Wrapper Snatcher, Stab’em and Slab’em, MudSucker, Just Joan, Chip-n-Dale, Just Jody, Just Amanda, Cobwebs in the Bush, Virtually Hung, Stupid Man, Milk My YAK, Barks on All Fours, Mouthful of Meat, I Like Dick, Mount Me Puh’lzee, Mount Schwiiinga, Bag Squeezer, and Three Dogs (Not an actual name)
VIRGINS= 0
VISTORS= 0
TOTAL HASHERS= 33

It was the last Sunday Hash of the season and the kennel showed up in force, testing the capacity of IT’S TOO SOFT’s skydeck. MILK MY YAK was operating, I believe, the only keg winch in Midwest existence. With the keg situated in its new home, the pack headed down to the alley for Chalk Talk. Our hares were none other than IT’S TOO SOFT and LIFA. With the talk and the introductions complete, the pack took off with I LIKE DICK, JUST JODY, and THE ENEMA CANAL in the lead.

The trail looked like it was going to be a fairly simple one but after the first check THE ENEMA CANAL got completely lost. He was able to find COBWEBS IN THE BUSH (her dog decided to mark his own trail at a most inopportune moment) to help get back on trail. Meanstwhile, CHICKEN STIFFER had started going free range and HORN-E had disappeared altogether. Up near the front VIRTUALLY HUNG, JUST JODY, JUST BRIAN, and CALVIN KLEIN were marking the true trails, the short cuts, and leaving choice words for any sweeping hares.

Unlike other hashes, the kennel was strung out from Diversey Harbor and past De Paul all the way to the beer stop which was directed by a BN, another BN, a BVN, and another BVN (That’s just cruel). The top deck of the parking garage was the perfect place to regroup and recover. The best part was quite a few of the hashers got trapped at the top behind a locked door looking out at the Fuji-mobile (slightly less popular than the Pope-mobile). CHICKEN STIFFER was the first to fall into the trap, followed by THE ENEMA CANAL who pounded the glass in futility, I LIKE DICK was next, and then ROTTEN WHORE finally showed up and became trapped with the entire pack mocking her.

With the beer check near depletion it was time to head back and IT’S TOO SOFT was on his bike when he was taken down by a corner (This is his second injury for April alone!) Feeling it was his civic duty, VIRTUALLY HUNG quickly created a chalk outline of the accident site to help IT’S TOO SOFT’s pending case on next week’s Judge Judy. With the accident site investigated we headed back down and started back to Party Central.

Once everyone had finally made it back with their puppies in baby carriages we started getting ready for the circle. The RA and GM donned their ceremonial robes and we started our singing of the hymnals. Our FRBs were JUST JODY and FLYING HOOTERS while our opposite end of the spectrum DFLs were ROTTEN WHORE and the very late BAG SQUEEZER. For making it a bestiality hash STUPID MAN, STAB’EM AND SLAB’EM, and COBWEBS were called into the circle. Despite having dogs with them, they were all pretty much near the rear of the pack, but then again STUPID MAN needs to teach his pup that you can’t hump a dog from the side. Bag Squeezer received his anointed whistle and lanyard for his tenth run, even if he did show up for just the end of it. ROTTEN WHORE and THE ENEMA CANAL were called out for their attendance of the Racist Rally in Ravenswood (12th analversary) which we later learned that BLOODY THIGHS had watched. CUMA SLUTRA and WRAPPER SNATCHER were called out for changing into their “Hey there, please sexually satisfy me boots.”

In a series of bizarre events, I LIKE DICK attempted a coup but forgot to secure support from the people for his “revoluccion.” Once the Coalition had taken back control, the accused was forced on his knees for his grievous violation and forced to drink. For all those that thought drinking out of new shoes was just an urban legend; JUST TIM and I LIKE DICK ignored the warnings and drank from their Asics-flavored vessels.

And the award for creepiest, most sleep preventing event was none other than HORN-E sticking his tongue in JUST AMANDA’s ear. So that it’s not the last thought in your mind, afterwards the circle was dissolved, SUPER STUFFER became our Iron Chef manning the grill station, and there was much inebriated socialism. Also when you see R-TARD-E and JUST I LEAN make sure you congratulate them on their elopement to Puerta Vallerta.

THE ENEMA CANAL
Hashspace Whore

Click here 4 GPS Map of da trail!

______