Category: Tale of the Trail

CH3 #1608 – Hash Trash

This particular Hash Trash actually begins on Sunday night before the hash. Since it was a particularly fine day, I did what any good hasher would do – I skipped the Second City H3 and stayed in. Take that Mother Nature! At some point in the late afternoon or early evening my phone rang and our illustrious hare Odor Eater was on the other end. Not that unusual, as Odor is a stand-up fellow (when he’s not falling over drunk), but when he started me very specific questions about his trail I was a little worried. Specifically, he wanted to know if a two mile trail was going to be too short – well that wouldn’t be too short for me, I’m a slow bastard, but it would definitely be too short for racists like Free VD, Front Running Blonde, and many others (especially since we were in the Green Zone, which does wonders to speed the pack up further thanks to everyone knowing all the streets). So after a little prodding, Odor Eater agreed to do a Turkey-Eagle split and make another, longer, trail for the runners.

Fast forward to Monday night and I’m frantically getting text messages from Odor about where I am – dude, simmer down, it isn’t even 7 yet! Guess those $1 American’s Odor was drinking were making him a little antsy. A good and large crowd arrived at Delilah’s in time for Odor’s trail (even co-hare Rotten Whore managed to make it!), but the pack instantly became skeptical once Odor started leading chalk talk – talk about writing a novel when a paragraph will do! Odor managed to lead the single longest chalk talk that I have ever seen, despite the fact that he was only using standard Chicago-area marks! I think at one point I took a nap and woke up a half-hour later and Odor was still talking! Thank god he finally shut up, and the pack was able to proceed south along Lincoln before quickly ducking into a gangway and into some alleyways – how very R Tard E of Odor!

I wish that I could say that Odor Eater’s trail was particularly eventful, but it really wasn’t – Odor did a fine job of messing up the pack by ducking us down alleyways and gangways, but the pack was filled with runners who blew threw most of his checks and splits. The only interesting thing on trail occurred when the majority of the pack ran right over the Turkey-Eagle split and proceeded on with the Eagle trail. Not this hasher! I made my way in the opposite direction and found myself running next to Super Stuff’her and Just Do Me Slowly as we made our way along the Turkey trail. Somewhere around the second check (two checks on a Turkey? WTF!) R Tard E caught up with us and jumped on Super Stuff’her’s back – how he managed to find us is anybody’s guess, as the three of us had nothing to mark trail with. A few short blocks later the Turkey pack ducked into an alleyway near the parking garage at Illinois Mason Hospital to find Rotten Whore sitting atop a cardboard box (Horn E’s Summer Home, actually) drinking a beer. We all quickly grabbed a beer and started drinking when a few minutes later Odor Eater, Fistful of Pricks, and Corn Star rounded the corner and were quickly followed by Free VD – Free VD? Where did he come from? Nobody had seen him since the first check, and, sure enough, he won the hash by a good five minutes – this wouldn’t have been a problem if Chippendale, the man Free VD beat, hadn’t also beaten the rest of the pack by a solid five minutes. What is wrong with you people? Slow the hell down already! Since there was nothing else to do, I quickly grabbed some chalk and started drawing on the walls of the parking garage, painting a quite beautiful mural of an excellent set of breasts, which Odor Eater quickly changed into eyes, and before the beer stop was over the chalk drawing had morphed into a particularly ugly man.

The pack then finished their beers and walked back to the bar, the entire experiment on trail taking a little over a half-hour with the beer stop taking at least that long at the end. Back at Delilah’s the pack was greeted by Half-Fag (tonight known as Jizz Markie), and all the hashers went upstairs where they were greeted to two hours of free Miller Lite (blah), Leinie’s Summer Shandy (gross), and Pointy Head IPA (OH YEAH!). Half-Fag called circle due to the absence of Calvin Klein and quickly launched into the meanest circle that I have ever seen – no doubt the long day of work Half-Fag endured and the presence of EZ on the Ass got under his skin a little, but I thought he was about to put his nuts in Rhotan’s beer (had Rhotan been there, which he was not). A wide variety of down-downs were given, none of which I actually remember except for the story of Horn E killing a Lincoln Park Floozy with his horn… and then screwing the shit out of her, and eventually the Pointy Head ran out and the upstairs of Delilah’s was opened back up to the general public – little did they know what trouble they were getting in! At one point in the night Horn E, Glory hOle, Ball Cock Dumper, Half-Fag, and I were the only ones left at the bar and we attempted to sing some good old fashioned long songs – and then the manager came over to us and told us to be quiet, jerk.

On-On,
Snatchsquatch

Tale of the Trail – Chicago Hash #1605

Chicago Hash #1605 6.22.09
33 hashers in attendance

The 31st Anniversary of Hashing in Chicago rolls on with its sixth of nine consecutive days of hashing, this time with the Chicago H3 returning to O’Lanagan’s in Lincoln Square. Even more exciting is the fact that this particular run represents the birthday hash for our very own Fistful of Pricks – never mind the fact that Fistful of Pricks’ birthday was actually the day before, a day she spent in a car riding back from visiting Sin City, but that’s neither here nor there. Apparently Fistful of Pricks’ presence in Sin City was enough to convince Lexington hasher Crotch Thumper to drive up and spend several days with us here in the Windy City – hopefully we’ll see some more of her this weekend, as she’s in town this week before heading to the Michigan Interhash.

The pack knew the moment that Fistful of Pricks came back from laying trail that this would be an especially shitty trail, since she had left with a full tub of colors chalk and returned with only a few pieces of it missing. Great. Despite the fact that Fistful of Pricks had so much chalk, only one piece was handed out to the pack in order to sweep trail, so not only would the trail be shitty, it would also follow in the great Chicago tradition of not being swept either. Brilliant. Following the short and sweet chalk talk, trail quickly went south from the bar before hitting the first check after only a few blocks – thanks to Fistful of Pricks actually hiding marks and ducking around corners, the first check actually took the front running bastards like Bloody Asshole more than ten seconds to solve. The pack ducked down several alleyways and made their way towards Lincoln when several late arrivals made their presence known by passing the rest of the pack – despite the fact that Front Running Blonde and Glory hOle were carrying their shag along with them on trail thanks to their not being familiar with the fact that CH3 leaves at 7:30 each and every week in the summer.

Eventually the pack found the second check, and just like the first check it was actually designed to keep the pack together and not because the hare was bored and realized they hadn’t laid a check in a while – unfortunately most of the pack was left standing at the check with the recently returned Super Stuff’her, who couldn’t stop talking about how excited he was that his pimp Just I Lean was finally going to be returning from Spain. Yeah, telling everyone about how you’re going to be camping out at Just I Lean’s mom’s house waiting for him to get home is a nice way to sound super creepy, Stuff’her. Eventually true trial was found heading in a general south and east direction and the pack was once again off. Eventually I found myself once again at the back of the pack along with Crotch Thumper and R Tard E (who was only slightly less excited about Just I Lean’s return than Super Stuff’her). Thanks to Snatchsquatch keeping his eyes open, this mini-pack of DFLs was able to notice when Salty Gash suddenly veered off trail to the north – strange, her boy toy Shiggy Packing Half-Fag Screwnicorn Dolphin lives in the neighborhood and wasn’t at chalk talk – I SMELL A SHORTCUTTING BASTARD! Sure enough, after a few short blocks, trail was once again found and the DFLs had caught up to the trio of Hoosier Daddy, More Tail, and Asscapades. The trail eventually made its way back west to Damen and north towards Lawrence, before ducking into the alleyway near the home of Hasher of a Thousand Names. Thanks to the suddenly warm weather (summer, in June? who knew?), several harriettes even decided to give the older hashers a trill by stripping down to their sports bars – Horn E would like to thank Just Kelly and Slippery Box for giving him the closest thing he’s had to an erection in years!

After the beer stop the pack slowly made their way back to the bar and was greeted by Its Too Soft and Just Steve, who apparently couldn’t be troubled to run trail on this find evening. Circle was called quickly called by the duo of Chicken Stiff’her and Snatchsquatch and copious amounts of alcohol were consumed (except by Horn E, who quickly ducked out of the bar, continuing his hundred-year old boycott of O’Lanagan’s) – despite her late arrival and added weight of her bag, Front Running Blond managed to live up to her name and won the hash (the gazelle that is Free VD had better watch out, as it appears that he now has some competition for the biggest racist of the hash). After hearing some grumbling about the naming of sucK a nana last week, all of the unnamed hashers were pulled into the circle, with the promise that one of them was going to be named this evening – after a few rounds of eliminating hashers, the circle called out that it was officially time to name Just Shaina, and so the RAs were forced to comply (as if that wasn’t Snatchsquatch’s plan in the first place). Since Just Shaina was not very cooperative in offering up information about herself, the circle had very little to go on, but eventually the name Soul Taco was suggested and it quickly won approval from the crowd. Circle was then closed and Glory hOle decided to yell out that the RAs had missed his new shoes, so circle was immediately re-convened, Glory hOle’s shoe was forcibly removed, but instead of drinking his beer from his shoe Glory hOle instead decided to pour it out over his head – twice. EZ On The Hash would be proud.

On-On,
Snatchsquatch

This week’s hash was a prime example of why you go to the expense of actually telling somebody that they’re going to be co-haring with you – this really isn’t that unusual of an occurrence, as most haring collaborations are devised while drunk, but the issue should be addressed anyway. Thanks to some sort of communication mix-up, Super Stuff’her signed up to hare with Ass Capades as his co-hare and never bothered to tell Ass Capades, and when Super Stuff’her found out that he couldn’t hare thanks to his actually having a job (overachiever) Ass Capades was left with less than a week to find a spot to hare out of. What is the hash to do? Back to Stocks & Blondes, of course!

Not only was trail off to a shitty start thanks to the lack of planning, Ass Capades did the two surefire things to ensure that everyone would complain about his trail: he recruited R Tard E to co-hare and he hared on a day that it rained. Brilliant. Despite Stocks & Blondes good and sheltered location right next to the Brown Line, the chalk marks designating trail were good and washed out by the time that hashers started arriving – sure enough, that was far from the only mark on trail that had been washed out. The early afternoon rain didn’t bother to scare off very many hashers, though, as the crowd at the start was a good size and even managed to include a number of virgins (including former student of Fistful of Pricks, Just Eric – OH THE DRAMA/SEXUAL TENSION!)

An impeccably crappy chalk talk was run by Ass Capades, where he conveniently forgot to tell the virgins that a check can go in any direction before trail started and the pack quickly went down an alleyway just to the south of the bar – an unclaimed construction vehicle sat in the alleyway, but sadly Hoosier Daddy was afraid to steal it and ride it along trail, very disappointing. The pack wove in and out of some alleyways, working their way south before crossing out of the Loop and across the South Branch at Adams – apparently Thirstday running every single hash in May on the Near West side wasn’t enough for these two hares, though they were lucky enough to avoid any old marks by quickly heading South. Despite the relatively large pack size, almost everyone on trail seemed to be suffering from a serious check allergy – whenever a check was encountered, only a group of about four or five hashers bothered to head out and look for marks. As much as I enjoy standing around at checks as much as the next guy, when DFLs like Snatchsquatch and Fistful of Pricks catch back up to the pack at each and every check because everyone not named Erin Go Buff, Lifa, Chicken Stiff’her, Happy Ass Grabber, or Horn E are standing with their thumbs up their butts you have a serious problem (or a seriously shitty trail, which isn’t out of the question considering the hares). The pack also suffered from hashing far too much in the “Green Zone,” as it should have been apparent to anyone who knows Chicago that the only place for trail to cross back over the South Fork once trail went south of Harrison was Roosevelt (18th was also an option, but would have resulted in the crucifixion of the hares) – sure enough, Roosevelt was where trail crossed back into the South Loop before the hares stopped even trying to trick the pack and ran trail straight north up Clark to a beer stop tucked next to Congress Parkway. Thinking themselves oh so cute, the two hares were spotted giggling like little school girls by the FRB (and visitor) Animal upon his arrival to the beer stop – R Tard E had better watch himself, as Ass Capades has already been claimed by Snatchsquatch and R Tard E’s pimp Just I Lean is due back from Spain at any moment.

After a quick beer stop (thanks to the hares picking the only spot in the entire city currently infested by mosquitoes), the pack made their way back up to Stock & Blondes for circle and some good bar food (which RA Calvin Klein even let us eat in circle this time – he must have been feeling generous thanks to his actually bothering to run trail). Ass Capades and R Tard E were called in numerous times for their crappy trail (though significantly less crappy by R Tard E standards, so the R Tardese classes must have worked for Ass Capades), and the hash was graced with the presence of two visitors in the form of Animal and Beam Me Up Twatty – they were both in town for something, but whatever story they had to tell was much too long and the circle was quickly disrupted by Snatchsquatch and Ass Capades spooning (how is it that a monster like Snatchsquatch is the little spoon, anyway?) Animal did come bearing a gift for our illustrious GM Erin Go Buff in the form of a shirt from his home hash and Animal joined in with Lifa for a thrilling rendition of a song about Seoul prostitutes. Unfortunately our GM Erin Go Buff wasn’t thinking too far ahead, as he forgot to call ahead and see about purchasing a keg from Stocks & Blondes, so hash cash ran out far too early and the hat was passed for more beer.

On-On,
Snatchsquatch

Tale of the Trail – Chicago Hash #1600

May 24, 2009

Chicago Hash #1600
VENUE: Casa de Virgin Banger

HARES: Odor Eater, Smell This, Renta a Virgin, Virgin Banger
VIRGINS: Just Tony, Just Patrick, Just Shannon, Just Tina, Just Mary, Just Dan, Just Tiffany, Just Frank, Just Steve, Just jason
VISITORS: Madison- Eggbeater, Ah Shit, Return To Gender, Just Terri, Dumb Fucker
Indy- Fish Lips, Show me Your Tits, OP, Pissing Ditzy,
Waukesha- CopUlator, Feelin Lucky Cunt, Grump Crotch Muncher, Mr Snid, Creamin and Screamin
Memphis- Prick of the Liter Sweden- On Off Sin City- Horny Again

HASHERS: Ginger Snatch, R-Tar-E, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry F*cker, Crop Duster, Motor Whore-a, W’all Bangher, Just Shaina, Hoosier Daddy, Lifa, Anal Assault, Mount Schwiiiinga, Batteries not Included, Its Too Soft, Cuma Slutra, Snatchsquatch, Mouthful of Meat, Glory Hole, Cum in my Assfault, Erin Go Buff, Fistful of Pricks, Just Kelly, Rotten Whore, Packher Ass, Bang Me Blow me get me off, Peterbilt, KGB, Free VD, Horn-e, Mudsucker, At Your Cervix, Asspocket, Ernest Cummingway, Just Mark, Just Jason, Just Christine, 69-cent Man, Just Amelie, Just Sarah, Just Todd, Bloody Thighs, Shaving Ryan’s Privates, Milk My Yak, Barks on All Fours, Flying Hooters, Just Tony, Just Melinda, Just Rhoda, Cheesus, Stupid Man, Stab’em and Slab’em, Stair Master, Dickens Cider, just Dan, Man-A-Whore, Or-g, Princess Labia, Johnny Cockring, Foot-n-mouth, Just Steve, Just Hee-jai, Just Frank, Too Much Head

TOTAL HASHERS – 94

Sunday May 24th saw the return of the Chicago Hash House Harriers to running on Sundays, if only for this one week of the Summer, for a doubler of a special event – not only was this run the 5th Annual Memorial Day Hash (not necessarily on Memorial Day), but it was also Chicago Hash House Harriers run #1600. Since I doubt that most Hashers can actually count to 1600, I’m forced to assume that almost everyone was there for the Memorial Day celebration. Being that this was a big event, I’m forced to tell everyone to piss off if they did something particularly memorialable on trail or afterward that I don’t mention here – it isn’t that I didn’t see it, it’s just that I don’t like you.

As I walked up to the bar shortly after 2pm I was greeted by a horrific sight – I’m not referring to any hasher, but instead to the bright neon yellow shirts that were provided for those who managed to register early. These shirts were so disgustingly yellow that they actually look worse than my piss after drinking a dozen Red Bulls – you can tell that things were going to go well after that particular choice for Haberdashery and the hares Virgin Banger, Smell This, and Odor Eater did not disappoint. Checking in was an easy process, as the abundance of Hashers at Claddaugh Ring pushed all of the townies to the front of the bar (all five of them) – I picked up my hideous shirt, quickly threw it on, and waited much too long for trail to get started. Eventually all of the Hashers got tired of talking to each other while reasonably sober and went outside for chalk talk, where Virgin Banger attempted to explain the standard Chicago marks to all of the visitors and virgins – Virgin Banger didn’t think it necessary to use It’s Too Soft’s megaphone, so that meant that only about five hashers were actually able to hear his explanation of the marks. After this introductions were held, and apparently Crop Duster has managed to divide into seven or eight different Hashers, as he felt the need to introduce himself repeatedly (isn’t that Stupid Man’s job?) It’s Too Soft played the National Anthem for everyone, and trail was finally under way, heading North out of the bar and up Oakley, the exact same way that trail started last year – how original.

After a few blocks the pack found their way to the first check just as the FRB’s found true trail – so that was the kind of trail that this was going to be, with the runners like Free VD, Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey, and others being able to quickly establish a new, front running pack (and they continued the tried and true Chicago tradition of not taking chalk and marking trail for us DFL’s). Trail weaved its way back and forth through the Lincoln Square and Ravenswood neighborhoods and eventually a pack of us slower hashers formed consisting primarily of Snatchsquatch, Mudsucker, R Tard E, Hoosier Daddy, and Odor Eater (that’s right, Odor Eater somehow got confused and found his way onto trail as a Hare – I don’t know why, nor did I want to ask questions). Luckily for us Smell This was soon seen on trail sweeping, allowing us to make up some ground and “Beer Near” was called as the trail led into Welles Park. Our illustrious hares did manage to commit the cardinal sin of haring, however, as there was not nearly enough beer for all of the hashers – in an attempt to make up for the lack of beer, the hares arranged for several games to be played, including some strange game with a pool noodle and hoola hoops (I don’t know who won this game, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the team that included Snatchsquatch, Stupid Man, and Odor Eater). It was at this time that a little bird began circulating the rumor that Virgin Banger had lost his keys and couldn’t go get more beer for all of the hashers – Virgin Banger quickly departed back to his casa in order to grab a spare set when it was revealed that Virtually Hung had actually pick-pocketed him (thanks, now there’s less beer for everybody else, and by everybody else I mean me). As the pack circled up to play a game of duck-duck-goose in an attempt to give Virgin Banger more time to grab his keys, several hashers started to notice that some of the walkers had still not made their way to the beer stop – ultimately it was decided that it didn’t matter because there wasn’t any beer for them to drink anyway. As about half of the pack played duck-duck-goose, the other half of the pack decided to mope around and wait for more beer to arrive – somebody needs to tell hashers like Poultry F*ckher, Chicken Stiffer, and others that sitting around waiting for more beer won’t actually get it there any faster (so much for the power of positive thinking). Little did they know that the hares weren’t actually going to be coming back to the first beer stop with more beer, so after waiting around the hash was only rewarded with the direction of true trail to the next beer stop. As the trail wove its way almost directly North and back up to Winnemac Park the pack made their way to the second beer stop to discover that the hares had committed yet another cardinal sin – not having any beer at a beer stop! Instead the hash was treated to water (sans hops and barley) and a collective grumble erupted that lasted just long enough for $.69 Man to do a lap around the track and for Horn E to make enough distance between himself and the pack to make it to the on-in first.

After the pack had made their way back to Casa de Virgin Banger and Rent-A-Virgin, R Tard E immediately went to work on the grill, proving that you don’t have to speak English in order to cook food (something that McDonald’s would have proven years ago if what they served actually passed for food). Before anything else could happen several racists including Poultry F*ckher, Erin Go Buff, Motor Whore-a, Just Shaina, and several others snuck off to discuss plans for some relay race they’re doing and held up everyone else’s enjoyment of the festivities for several minutes. Just as they were starting to round each other up Fistful of Pricks, Just Steve (and his amazingly gay socks), and several other of the walkers finally rejoined everyone else – apparently they lost trail, found an unmarked split, and attempted to reverse engineer trail. Your first mistake was assuming that trail was going to be properly swept (it wouldn’t be Chicago if it was), and your second mistake was trying to reverse engineer trail – luckily they didn’t miss anything of note at either of the beer stops. A quick group photo was taken and circle was called – Lifa started circle off by thanking the three hares for the day and was immediately thanked for his efforts by being the first hasher to don the “Cone of Silence.” After that the RAing duties were split between Chicken Stiffer, Erin Go Buff, and Snatchsquatch with special thanks to It’s To Soft’s bullhorn. Visitors from Waukesha (SUCKS!), Indyscent, and Big Hump were welcomed into the circle, but all were too chicken to show off any body parts and instead treated everyone to several songs both old and new. $.69 Man was next to don the cone of silence, as it became clear that he was more interested in talking the ear off of the harriettes in attendance than paying attention to circle, and Cum In My Assfault managed to string together a series of ziggy-zoggies thanks to her inability to pay attention. Finally, Mt. Schwiiinga got the honor of wearing the Cone of Silence through the last third of circle. After an incredibly shitty circle that ran far too long, and the first of three Goose Island kegs was floated, “Swing Low” was sung and food was served.

Now that circle was over and everyone had been fed the real fun of the hash could start – only one small problem, about a third of the hashers were left without any food! Man, could our hares plan anything right? It’s like they only counted on a handful of walk-ups showing up instead of the twenty or so who did! No worries, as Erin Go Buff quickly mounted the grill (sexually) and made a fresh batch of burger, wieners, and brats for those who were left without food. Apparently there was also brisket and ribs, but since some of us were stuck at the end of the line we were never able to find out – Motor Whore-A did spend the entire time Erin Go Buff was on the grill reminding everybody that there were more than enough Veggie Burgers, to which everyone told her to “drink your beer, get out of here, and get back in the kitchen.” So after a slight delay eventually all of the hashers were fed and almost immediately a game of Flip Cup broke out – though AssCapades could not make the hash because he was busy flying off to Germany to get laid (hey, dude, there’s this thing called Craigslist now, you don’t have to fly trans-Atlantic to get your dick sucked), his party table was put to good use. The Memorial Day veteran of “Drink-O” returned from a year’s banishment at Princess Labia and Stump Humper’s apartment (this time upgraded with Skittles Votka, so that every play is a winner!) and was an instant hit with all of the harriettes (perhaps too big of a hit, in retrospect, as it was blamed for several harriettes getting sick – personally I blame Alcoholiday). After a few hours Too Much Head suddenly appeared at the festivities, back from Everyday is Wednesday and she instantly made her presence known by being the only person sober enough to drive a car to Dominick’s so that Chicken Stiffer could buy the hash more beer once all three kegs were floated. The festivities continued on into the night before several hashers disappeared and headed to Ruji’s Foofdeck (formerly Party Central Skydeck) to continue the night even later – both Pissing Ditzy and Horny Again made the jaunt and were thanked for their efforts by an even later-arriving Ice Princess, who successfully returned from Las Vegas and wasn’t killed for sleeping through his sister’s wedding. Before the night was over, however, Fistful of Pricks decided that it would be a good idea to try and beat up Snatchsquatch, forgetting that he’s about three times her size – yeah, she lost that fight, bad.

On-On,

Snatchsquatch