Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1599

Chicago Hash #1599
VENUE: Café on Montrose

HARES: Skunk Chaser, Pied Piper, Are they Real
VIRGINS: Just Malcom, Just Jon, Just Steve, Just Yassauce
VISITORS: TJ Hooker- Aloha, Dr. Scholless- Atlanta, Moonshone- Amersterdam
HASHERS: Odor Eater, Chicken Stiffer, Just Valinda, Erin Go Buff, Just Christine, Motor Whore-a, Free VD, Asscapade, Penis Rex, R-Tard-E, Fistful of Pricks, Just Shaina, Salty Gash, Horn-e, Poultry F*cker, W’All Bangher, Just Sooz, Just Amy, Snatchsquatch, Happy Ass Grabber, Giner Snatch, Mount Schwiiiinga


There were a lot of things going against me actually running the hash last night. I’d only heard negative things about Are They Real trails. It looked like she would be taking the lead on telling our visiting hares Skunk Chaser and Pied Piper (was that guy even there last night?) how to get around this lovely city of ours. Well, expect she/they chose The Spot which happens to be off the Wilson Red Line stop. As someone who used to live off the Argyle stop, I know the Wilson area is one to avoid at all costs. I even got off the train at Sheridan and walked the extra four blocks to spare myself the possible mugging. I had a very, very good feeling that the beer stop would be at Snatchsquatch’s place and was I right. I saw the marks going from Broadway to just north of Belle Plaine to a little patio area. Alas, after seeing that Odor Eater would be joining us after 10 days in KansASS City, I would be a good little hasher and run the trail. Only I ran into some marks going south on Broadway just south of Montrose. I’m no FRB, but I was pretty sure those marks were waaay to close together. Especially with the gazelle aka Free VD on trail I figured we’d be at the B or the beer stop about 3 minutes after starting trail. Once I got to The Spot, I found all my fellow hashers upstairs. Though there were a lot of faces I didn’t recognize and one rather large belly that I did. It took Skunk Chaser about all of 5 seconds before he tried to feel me up. He’s no Hoosier Daddy and he’s a visitor so I paid him no attention. After mingling with everyone, seeing the awesome rego form for PoP that Mt. Schwiinga put together and putting my junk in MotorWhoreA’s trunk I joined everyone for chalk talk.

We were on out to the north and followed trail out of Uptown (thank God) and south to Wrigleyville. Eventually Salty Gash was at my side and we ran part of trail together. As we crossed over Irving Park and the Ann Sather garden (I think that’s where they grow the cinnamon rolls) Are They Real was there on her bike giving us short cut directions. Though I’m not too sure how much of a short cut it was since I didn’t think we were that far back and the pack was already where she told us to go. Along the way we saw some lovely Uptown gentlemen sitting on a bench. Once Salty and I passed them they asked why we slowed down. Well, for one, we actually ran here, we didn’t mosey on over to the bench to sit down and smoke and heckle passersby. We met up with everyone at the tit check near Wrigley Field. It’s always nice to run near landmarks, especially when we have visitors in town. After falling a bit behind since I walked near the “on two” call (my own fault), I ran back north and east to where the check actually led us. I saw Are They Real on her bike again and she gave me another short cut saying to go north on Halsted. Not knowing how much more trail was left, I said fuck it and decided to head to where I knew the beer was. Ahead of me on Halsted I spotted one of our virgins, Just Yassa (I’m pretty sure I spelled that wrong) and an almost virgin Just Valinda. I tried to catch up with them but they got to the beer stop before I did.

At the beer stop everyone was admiring the lovely artwork on the table that has been decorated by party goers at Casa de AssCapades and Casa de Snatchsquatch. I personally like the “O” that went from a letter in someone’s name to a boob to an eye to a baseball. What a bunch of Van Goghs we have in this group. After stalling and playing flip cup for 45 minutes and learning a new long song we finally headed to the B. We had to wait until it closed because they were staying open late especially for us since Are They Real has a close relationship with the owner of the coffee shop. Kahawa House Coffee Lounge was a great place. If you’re ever looking for anything other than a crack deal in Uptown, I say go there. We pretty much took over the entire place. Our soon-to-be on his own GM Erin Go Buff led circle. We initiated the virgins and made the visitors drink for being stupid enough to run this shitty trail. Some people noticed R Tard-E’s shiny shoes and made him drink from them. I only wish it was Crop Duster that noticed them. Once circle was over, we started doing what hashers do best – drinking. Erin Go Buff’s visitor T.J Hooker (who to me kinda looks like Cliff BangHer or Postage Tramp from Big Hump) starting singing some songs from Hawaii. Most hashers started leaving as TJ started his Alouette to Erin. Snatch started falling asleep and motioned to me to get the case of beer and head back to his place. I think the Original Hasher was on to me and tried to stop me, but I cannot be stopped. Once safely outside I was propositioned by a few bums for one beer. I thought about it for a second, but kept going. Eventually Snatch caught up with me and Schwiinga to let us into his place. Schwiinga went home, but MWA, EGB, TJ Hooker, Salty and Screwnicorn into a Dolphin (SID) made it by eventually. We watched some PG and SFW porn while finishing the last of the beer. During my wait for the Red Line I saw a guy hop on the Purple line tracks to pee over the edge. Way to keep it classy Chicago.

On On,
Fistful of Pricks