Tale of the Trail – Chicago Hash #1600
May 24, 2009
Chicago Hash #1600
VENUE: Casa de Virgin Banger
HARES: Odor Eater, Smell This, Renta a Virgin, Virgin Banger
VIRGINS: Just Tony, Just Patrick, Just Shannon, Just Tina, Just Mary, Just Dan, Just Tiffany, Just Frank, Just Steve, Just jason
VISITORS: Madison- Eggbeater, Ah Shit, Return To Gender, Just Terri, Dumb Fucker
Indy- Fish Lips, Show me Your Tits, OP, Pissing Ditzy,
Waukesha- CopUlator, Feelin Lucky Cunt, Grump Crotch Muncher, Mr Snid, Creamin and Screamin
Memphis- Prick of the Liter Sweden- On Off Sin City- Horny Again
HASHERS: Ginger Snatch, R-Tar-E, Chicken Stiffer, Poultry F*cker, Crop Duster, Motor Whore-a, W’all Bangher, Just Shaina, Hoosier Daddy, Lifa, Anal Assault, Mount Schwiiiinga, Batteries not Included, Its Too Soft, Cuma Slutra, Snatchsquatch, Mouthful of Meat, Glory Hole, Cum in my Assfault, Erin Go Buff, Fistful of Pricks, Just Kelly, Rotten Whore, Packher Ass, Bang Me Blow me get me off, Peterbilt, KGB, Free VD, Horn-e, Mudsucker, At Your Cervix, Asspocket, Ernest Cummingway, Just Mark, Just Jason, Just Christine, 69-cent Man, Just Amelie, Just Sarah, Just Todd, Bloody Thighs, Shaving Ryan’s Privates, Milk My Yak, Barks on All Fours, Flying Hooters, Just Tony, Just Melinda, Just Rhoda, Cheesus, Stupid Man, Stab’em and Slab’em, Stair Master, Dickens Cider, just Dan, Man-A-Whore, Or-g, Princess Labia, Johnny Cockring, Foot-n-mouth, Just Steve, Just Hee-jai, Just Frank, Too Much Head
TOTAL HASHERS – 94
Sunday May 24th saw the return of the Chicago Hash House Harriers to running on Sundays, if only for this one week of the Summer, for a doubler of a special event – not only was this run the 5th Annual Memorial Day Hash (not necessarily on Memorial Day), but it was also Chicago Hash House Harriers run #1600. Since I doubt that most Hashers can actually count to 1600, I’m forced to assume that almost everyone was there for the Memorial Day celebration. Being that this was a big event, I’m forced to tell everyone to piss off if they did something particularly memorialable on trail or afterward that I don’t mention here – it isn’t that I didn’t see it, it’s just that I don’t like you.
As I walked up to the bar shortly after 2pm I was greeted by a horrific sight – I’m not referring to any hasher, but instead to the bright neon yellow shirts that were provided for those who managed to register early. These shirts were so disgustingly yellow that they actually look worse than my piss after drinking a dozen Red Bulls – you can tell that things were going to go well after that particular choice for Haberdashery and the hares Virgin Banger, Smell This, and Odor Eater did not disappoint. Checking in was an easy process, as the abundance of Hashers at Claddaugh Ring pushed all of the townies to the front of the bar (all five of them) – I picked up my hideous shirt, quickly threw it on, and waited much too long for trail to get started. Eventually all of the Hashers got tired of talking to each other while reasonably sober and went outside for chalk talk, where Virgin Banger attempted to explain the standard Chicago marks to all of the visitors and virgins – Virgin Banger didn’t think it necessary to use It’s Too Soft’s megaphone, so that meant that only about five hashers were actually able to hear his explanation of the marks. After this introductions were held, and apparently Crop Duster has managed to divide into seven or eight different Hashers, as he felt the need to introduce himself repeatedly (isn’t that Stupid Man’s job?) It’s Too Soft played the National Anthem for everyone, and trail was finally under way, heading North out of the bar and up Oakley, the exact same way that trail started last year – how original.
After a few blocks the pack found their way to the first check just as the FRB’s found true trail – so that was the kind of trail that this was going to be, with the runners like Free VD, Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey, and others being able to quickly establish a new, front running pack (and they continued the tried and true Chicago tradition of not taking chalk and marking trail for us DFL’s). Trail weaved its way back and forth through the Lincoln Square and Ravenswood neighborhoods and eventually a pack of us slower hashers formed consisting primarily of Snatchsquatch, Mudsucker, R Tard E, Hoosier Daddy, and Odor Eater (that’s right, Odor Eater somehow got confused and found his way onto trail as a Hare – I don’t know why, nor did I want to ask questions). Luckily for us Smell This was soon seen on trail sweeping, allowing us to make up some ground and “Beer Near” was called as the trail led into Welles Park. Our illustrious hares did manage to commit the cardinal sin of haring, however, as there was not nearly enough beer for all of the hashers – in an attempt to make up for the lack of beer, the hares arranged for several games to be played, including some strange game with a pool noodle and hoola hoops (I don’t know who won this game, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the team that included Snatchsquatch, Stupid Man, and Odor Eater). It was at this time that a little bird began circulating the rumor that Virgin Banger had lost his keys and couldn’t go get more beer for all of the hashers – Virgin Banger quickly departed back to his casa in order to grab a spare set when it was revealed that Virtually Hung had actually pick-pocketed him (thanks, now there’s less beer for everybody else, and by everybody else I mean me). As the pack circled up to play a game of duck-duck-goose in an attempt to give Virgin Banger more time to grab his keys, several hashers started to notice that some of the walkers had still not made their way to the beer stop – ultimately it was decided that it didn’t matter because there wasn’t any beer for them to drink anyway. As about half of the pack played duck-duck-goose, the other half of the pack decided to mope around and wait for more beer to arrive – somebody needs to tell hashers like Poultry F*ckher, Chicken Stiffer, and others that sitting around waiting for more beer won’t actually get it there any faster (so much for the power of positive thinking). Little did they know that the hares weren’t actually going to be coming back to the first beer stop with more beer, so after waiting around the hash was only rewarded with the direction of true trail to the next beer stop. As the trail wove its way almost directly North and back up to Winnemac Park the pack made their way to the second beer stop to discover that the hares had committed yet another cardinal sin – not having any beer at a beer stop! Instead the hash was treated to water (sans hops and barley) and a collective grumble erupted that lasted just long enough for $.69 Man to do a lap around the track and for Horn E to make enough distance between himself and the pack to make it to the on-in first.
After the pack had made their way back to Casa de Virgin Banger and Rent-A-Virgin, R Tard E immediately went to work on the grill, proving that you don’t have to speak English in order to cook food (something that McDonald’s would have proven years ago if what they served actually passed for food). Before anything else could happen several racists including Poultry F*ckher, Erin Go Buff, Motor Whore-a, Just Shaina, and several others snuck off to discuss plans for some relay race they’re doing and held up everyone else’s enjoyment of the festivities for several minutes. Just as they were starting to round each other up Fistful of Pricks, Just Steve (and his amazingly gay socks), and several other of the walkers finally rejoined everyone else – apparently they lost trail, found an unmarked split, and attempted to reverse engineer trail. Your first mistake was assuming that trail was going to be properly swept (it wouldn’t be Chicago if it was), and your second mistake was trying to reverse engineer trail – luckily they didn’t miss anything of note at either of the beer stops. A quick group photo was taken and circle was called – Lifa started circle off by thanking the three hares for the day and was immediately thanked for his efforts by being the first hasher to don the “Cone of Silence.” After that the RAing duties were split between Chicken Stiffer, Erin Go Buff, and Snatchsquatch with special thanks to It’s To Soft’s bullhorn. Visitors from Waukesha (SUCKS!), Indyscent, and Big Hump were welcomed into the circle, but all were too chicken to show off any body parts and instead treated everyone to several songs both old and new. $.69 Man was next to don the cone of silence, as it became clear that he was more interested in talking the ear off of the harriettes in attendance than paying attention to circle, and Cum In My Assfault managed to string together a series of ziggy-zoggies thanks to her inability to pay attention. Finally, Mt. Schwiiinga got the honor of wearing the Cone of Silence through the last third of circle. After an incredibly shitty circle that ran far too long, and the first of three Goose Island kegs was floated, “Swing Low” was sung and food was served.
Now that circle was over and everyone had been fed the real fun of the hash could start – only one small problem, about a third of the hashers were left without any food! Man, could our hares plan anything right? It’s like they only counted on a handful of walk-ups showing up instead of the twenty or so who did! No worries, as Erin Go Buff quickly mounted the grill (sexually) and made a fresh batch of burger, wieners, and brats for those who were left without food. Apparently there was also brisket and ribs, but since some of us were stuck at the end of the line we were never able to find out – Motor Whore-A did spend the entire time Erin Go Buff was on the grill reminding everybody that there were more than enough Veggie Burgers, to which everyone told her to “drink your beer, get out of here, and get back in the kitchen.” So after a slight delay eventually all of the hashers were fed and almost immediately a game of Flip Cup broke out – though AssCapades could not make the hash because he was busy flying off to Germany to get laid (hey, dude, there’s this thing called Craigslist now, you don’t have to fly trans-Atlantic to get your dick sucked), his party table was put to good use. The Memorial Day veteran of “Drink-O” returned from a year’s banishment at Princess Labia and Stump Humper’s apartment (this time upgraded with Skittles Votka, so that every play is a winner!) and was an instant hit with all of the harriettes (perhaps too big of a hit, in retrospect, as it was blamed for several harriettes getting sick – personally I blame Alcoholiday). After a few hours Too Much Head suddenly appeared at the festivities, back from Everyday is Wednesday and she instantly made her presence known by being the only person sober enough to drive a car to Dominick’s so that Chicken Stiffer could buy the hash more beer once all three kegs were floated. The festivities continued on into the night before several hashers disappeared and headed to Ruji’s Foofdeck (formerly Party Central Skydeck) to continue the night even later – both Pissing Ditzy and Horny Again made the jaunt and were thanked for their efforts by an even later-arriving Ice Princess, who successfully returned from Las Vegas and wasn’t killed for sleeping through his sister’s wedding. Before the night was over, however, Fistful of Pricks decided that it would be a good idea to try and beat up Snatchsquatch, forgetting that he’s about three times her size – yeah, she lost that fight, bad.