CH3 #1608 – Hash Trash
This particular Hash Trash actually begins on Sunday night before the hash. Since it was a particularly fine day, I did what any good hasher would do – I skipped the Second City H3 and stayed in. Take that Mother Nature! At some point in the late afternoon or early evening my phone rang and our illustrious hare Odor Eater was on the other end. Not that unusual, as Odor is a stand-up fellow (when he’s not falling over drunk), but when he started me very specific questions about his trail I was a little worried. Specifically, he wanted to know if a two mile trail was going to be too short – well that wouldn’t be too short for me, I’m a slow bastard, but it would definitely be too short for racists like Free VD, Front Running Blonde, and many others (especially since we were in the Green Zone, which does wonders to speed the pack up further thanks to everyone knowing all the streets). So after a little prodding, Odor Eater agreed to do a Turkey-Eagle split and make another, longer, trail for the runners.
Fast forward to Monday night and I’m frantically getting text messages from Odor about where I am – dude, simmer down, it isn’t even 7 yet! Guess those $1 American’s Odor was drinking were making him a little antsy. A good and large crowd arrived at Delilah’s in time for Odor’s trail (even co-hare Rotten Whore managed to make it!), but the pack instantly became skeptical once Odor started leading chalk talk – talk about writing a novel when a paragraph will do! Odor managed to lead the single longest chalk talk that I have ever seen, despite the fact that he was only using standard Chicago-area marks! I think at one point I took a nap and woke up a half-hour later and Odor was still talking! Thank god he finally shut up, and the pack was able to proceed south along Lincoln before quickly ducking into a gangway and into some alleyways – how very R Tard E of Odor!
I wish that I could say that Odor Eater’s trail was particularly eventful, but it really wasn’t – Odor did a fine job of messing up the pack by ducking us down alleyways and gangways, but the pack was filled with runners who blew threw most of his checks and splits. The only interesting thing on trail occurred when the majority of the pack ran right over the Turkey-Eagle split and proceeded on with the Eagle trail. Not this hasher! I made my way in the opposite direction and found myself running next to Super Stuff’her and Just Do Me Slowly as we made our way along the Turkey trail. Somewhere around the second check (two checks on a Turkey? WTF!) R Tard E caught up with us and jumped on Super Stuff’her’s back – how he managed to find us is anybody’s guess, as the three of us had nothing to mark trail with. A few short blocks later the Turkey pack ducked into an alleyway near the parking garage at Illinois Mason Hospital to find Rotten Whore sitting atop a cardboard box (Horn E’s Summer Home, actually) drinking a beer. We all quickly grabbed a beer and started drinking when a few minutes later Odor Eater, Fistful of Pricks, and Corn Star rounded the corner and were quickly followed by Free VD – Free VD? Where did he come from? Nobody had seen him since the first check, and, sure enough, he won the hash by a good five minutes – this wouldn’t have been a problem if Chippendale, the man Free VD beat, hadn’t also beaten the rest of the pack by a solid five minutes. What is wrong with you people? Slow the hell down already! Since there was nothing else to do, I quickly grabbed some chalk and started drawing on the walls of the parking garage, painting a quite beautiful mural of an excellent set of breasts, which Odor Eater quickly changed into eyes, and before the beer stop was over the chalk drawing had morphed into a particularly ugly man.
The pack then finished their beers and walked back to the bar, the entire experiment on trail taking a little over a half-hour with the beer stop taking at least that long at the end. Back at Delilah’s the pack was greeted by Half-Fag (tonight known as Jizz Markie), and all the hashers went upstairs where they were greeted to two hours of free Miller Lite (blah), Leinie’s Summer Shandy (gross), and Pointy Head IPA (OH YEAH!). Half-Fag called circle due to the absence of Calvin Klein and quickly launched into the meanest circle that I have ever seen – no doubt the long day of work Half-Fag endured and the presence of EZ on the Ass got under his skin a little, but I thought he was about to put his nuts in Rhotan’s beer (had Rhotan been there, which he was not). A wide variety of down-downs were given, none of which I actually remember except for the story of Horn E killing a Lincoln Park Floozy with his horn… and then screwing the shit out of her, and eventually the Pointy Head ran out and the upstairs of Delilah’s was opened back up to the general public – little did they know what trouble they were getting in! At one point in the night Horn E, Glory hOle, Ball Cock Dumper, Half-Fag, and I were the only ones left at the bar and we attempted to sing some good old fashioned long songs – and then the manager came over to us and told us to be quiet, jerk.