Chicago Hash House Harriers

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 13 Jun 2011 by Horn-E
…..The hare was Fistful Of Pricks and we ran out of Bob Inn. We had 24 Trail Hounds at the start and enough House Puppies at the finish to out number some of the hashes this last winter. We took off to the west after a quick chalk talk and unfortunately we had some chalk on trail. That damn colored stuff that you can miss while standing right on it. We also had tiny little dollops of flour that looked like nipples, when you could find them. We quickly ran through several Splits and had a Check just before Milwaukee. This led west and under the tracks before heading up Milwaukee. The FRBs hit Logan Square and a Split. About a hundred feet straight, they found another dollop of flour. Ooops. The hare missed on this one. Actually, this was not supposed to be a mark after the Split, but a mark off of the Check we didn’t find yet. The other direction of the previous Split led right up to the monument at Logan Square. As us back enders slowly arrived on the scene, the pack had finally figured out that there was a Check at the monument and they were mostly scattered in a westerly direction. Licker Leash was back tracking from the monument as we arrived and we jointly figured out that this was actually the way to the Check. So Licker Leash and Horn-E went to explore that dollop of flour previously mentioned. And what do you know. This was the trail out of the Check. Licker Leash found a second dollop and then an arrow. A little confusing since this arrow was pointing north and not turning from the trail he was following. By the time Horn-E got there, he was long gone and a block north. Horn-E followed and found another dollop and blew the horn for the pack back at the monument. Running north he came up to a Triple Split at Diversey and Licker Leash was already three blocks east. ON. He called On to Chicken Stifer across the street and he ran east. And now the FRBs in rapidly passed Horn-E and even the mid pack runners passed him. Several blocks later we had another Split and the pack went north, yelling On. Chicken Stifer kept going straight and I didn’t see him again until the beer stop. Meanwhile we ran north and under the highway and then east, and east, and east. Finally, just before the river we headed north to Belmont and over the river. I could see the last runner ahead of me wearing a red shirt. Who was that? Finally, following trail, I spotted Licker Leash in an alley looking for a port a let and crawling through a fence to get at one. Oooops. So we finally ran on together, under western and on south on Clybourn. We had one Check to solve ourselves and Horn-E finally found that. Then we headed further south on Clybourn until we went around the abandoned projects. This led past the hare house and the presumed beer stop. Not. That had to mean Sin Calzones house on Logan Blvd. Right. We did run into 10 Diks With Wings and W Jew 40 on the way and Licker Leash ran off while the three of us followed trail over to Logan and another long straight to the beer stop. Where we last? I knew a lot didn’t pass me after we found that Check at Logan, so were they behind. Of course some just short cut to the beer stop, because they were there and didn’t pass me. Short Cutting Bastards. Much later four more arrived with Corn Star leading them and Poultry Fucker pulling up the rear and officially DFL.
…..Good beer was served and we all hung around telling tall tales. Finally the beer was gone and we mostly walked back except for Dickens Cider and a visitor, Saigon Sally who ran on in.
…..Only canned beer sold here and 16s of PBR were soon flowing. Two Girls One Cupcake wasn’t the hare, but walked around like a bunny all night with trays of beer. And Beer Spill Valdez started circle and eventually did a down down from that tray of spilled beer. The hare got many for her trail and marks. The FRB was Dark Side Of The Poon and the FBI was Dickens Cider. We had a virgin, Just Ryan who did a fine job downing his beer. Sandy Syphilis did a poor job of demonstrating how to do a down down by not finishing her beer and not inverting it over her head. But we had another demo hound and Chunder Pussy did it right. We also had our visitor, Saigon Sally to give a down down and he sang a short song. Then we invited the new transplant, Barffly to Chicago. Hope she comes back and tries all of the hashes in town. 5 Hole Failure got called out for wearing long socks on a warm night. Yeah, but she also had the shortest shorts. Yeeeaaah. And Just Annie was back for the second week in a row. Yeeeaaah.
…..So, who else was on trail. SnatchSquatch, Uploader, O’Shitty Runch, Ass Capades, The Dark Kunt and Just Julie.
…..And the long list of House Puppies were Wang Chunks, Salty Gash, Sin Calzones, Crop Duster, Just Nancy, Soul Taco, Its Too Soft, Ice Princess, EZ On The Ass, Dump Me Hump Me, and Way To Much Jism. Lets get something straight so some hashers will quit complaining about being called a House Puppy when they were working. We all know that some can’t make it because they are working or injured or some other reason. One of the original founders used to quite fittingly called them posers and I used that expression for years. But I came up with this expression recently. Not so much as a put down, but to establish the difference between those that actually hashed, the Trail Hounds and those that stayed “in house”. And if you can’t take a joke, how do you hash or get through circles. You are all welcome to join us whenever you can make it. We hope you will actually hash, because that is what we are about. But come and have fun whenever you can and for whatever level you can muster. We’re all friends.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 6 Jun 2011 by Horn-E
The bar was picked by Lifa, The Piano Man. They are normally closed on Mon. Lifa called the owner and set it up to be open for us with $5 pitchers. So far, so good. But somewhere between what Lifa thought we were getting and what the bartender delivered, there was a loss of communication. Shit happens. She opened about 2PM or there about and her shift ended by 8:30 or there about. When the visitor Pied Piper arrived, he talked to her and told her what we were doing. She asked when we would be back. About 9PM. She told him she would be closed. This was relayed to our GM, SnatchSquatch, but he believed we were covered. We weren’t. We learned at the beer stop that the bar was closed already. What? Panic. A phone call was made and Its Too Soft opened his rooftop deck to the hash for the On In, over a mile away. Thanks.
But, lets not get ahead of ourselves. I counted 29 trail hounds at the start that included five virgin hounds. Lifa road up on a bike, just as we were about to start. Trail headed north for a block and then through an alley as we worked our way over to Irving Park and our first Check. O’Shitty Runch was soon On to the west and we quickly started heading south and further west through local streets and alleys and staying relatively close together with the left, right course slowly heading into a big loop. We did have a big re-group at Lincoln and Melrose at a Check giving me a chance to catch up and actually start checking. Naturally I was in the wrong direction when trail was found in an alley heading west. That was the last I saw of Pied Piper who never made the beer stop. I saw the pack already coming south to Melrose and headed straight west on Melrose and under the tracks where the pack headed south. Two blocks later, we looped back to the east and I was able to give SnatchSquatch a little, all right, very little, short cut. Again we regrouped at Belmont and Paulina. And just as I arrived, hashers started heading south, but no one was really calling On. So Horn-E headed into a parking lot and worked his way south looking for marks. None. But now the pack was finally calling On heading south and Horn-E emerged through a school yard at Barry where Just Adriana was running by. We headed east to Ashland and caught a light and regrouped. Headed further east and north through some alleys. Horn-E was following, it seemed like all day, Mouthful Of Meat and The Dark Kunt when they avoided the alley. Finally catching and passing them he headed north in an alley with Magnetic Muff trying to keep the fading pack in sight. We headed east on Melrose and finally regrouped again at Halsted. Trail went through a parking lot, at least the short cut did and down an alley where we finally came to Broadway. This is where I finally figured out that we were going to the park for a beer stop. and there was those same two bimbos, tied at the hip, The Dark Kunt and Mouthful Of Meat, again ahead of me and walking with SnatchSquatch. Horn-E just ran right on by, smelling that beer. And at Sheridan, we headed right through the tunnel to a beer stop at the playground. And in that heat, we needed that.
But not everyone made it there and some found the bar and it being closed. Like I said earlier, the cell phones were blazing. Cell phones are to hashing like paint by numbers is to art. While straightening out this mess, somewhat, and getting a nice On In venue, if we didn’t have them and returned to find the bar closed, we’d have just gone to another bar. Hashers make it work. Cell phones just take away some of the spontaneity of hashing and fuck ups. Somehow, it loses something. According to Pied Piper, he managed to talk the bartender into letting him in for a quick one. But she had closed the bank and was closed. A bunch of us headed off to Its Too Soft’s roof top. Horn-E and Just Tim, a virgin from Hammond headed off on a short cut heading for Binny’s for beer, while the rest of the back headed south in the park.
Some went back to the bar to get cars and bags. Pied Piper told me he went by Chicken Stifer at his shag wagon and he wouldn’t tell him where we were going. Huh. But he got the address and actually ran into Horn-E and Just Tim walking down the street and we directed him. When we got to the roof, we were first with beer and about ten thirsty hounds were waiting. Soon more beer arrived and all was now good. Beer Spill Valdez led us in a circle and called in the hare, again and again. Its Too Soft was called in. But really, he deserves thanks for providing a last second back up. Thanks. Horn-E asked everyone to help clean up, because this wasn’t his party and shouldn’t be his job. Pool Job did a good job of helping Horn-E and Horn-E carried six beer containers down to the trash filled with empties. The Virgins were called out and included Just Tim, Just Annie, Just Davis, Just Carolyn and Just Curt. For some reason they also called Just Adriana out. She lost her virginity at the Moon Hash on Sat. But she was new to these hounds. Unfortunately, Just Tim had to leave right away to catch a train and we can only hope he will return. Not all trails get screwed us and he should get more beer time next time. And to all of the virgins, please return often and try some of the other hashes in town also. And Mouthful Of Meat is leaving Chicago for Portland. We wish her well.
Who else made it on trail, Fistful Of Pricks, R-Tard-E, Darkside Of The Poon, Licker Leash, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Cum In My Ass Fault, Taste The Rainbow, Four Finger Discount, Are They Real, Ass Capades, Just Nancy, Crop Duster and Or G. Besides Its Too Soft who opened his house, we had one other House Puppy, Tampon Tampoff.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 29 May, 2011, by Horn-E
Well, it was big. It was the annual Virgin Banger, Rent A Virgin Memorial Day Hash. And as usual, they did a good job of putting it together. They had co-hares in Smell This, Calvin Klein and Lifa. They had 73 hounds signed up in advance. There were many last minute attendees and several didn’t show, probably because of the rain. Probably about 80 hounds, most ready to run. But shit happened. Rain. A downpour right about 1PM, the announced start time. Oh, hell. I got there just before the start and barely got ready in running gear in time to stow my bag in the shag wagon.
It was still raining. We formed a circle and the usual marks were shown, especially for the visitors and virgins. It was still raining. Suddenly, Calvin Klein took off yelling follow me and throwing flour. Well, he doesn’t really run anymore and was passed before the corner. They should have given a bag of flour to Lifa and a ten minute head start. At least we would have had a trail. Instead we ended up following Smell This over to Hamilton and north to Winnemac Stadium. It was still raining. Without a trail, it isn’t a hash, just a run in the rain. But we did manage to get into Winnemac Stadium and Smell This led us around the track. Hashers were already trying out Slip N Slide. At the far end, Smell This halted the pack and started Slip N Slide. Many tried and some actually did a good job. Finally a mark was set as the farthest slide. Glory Hole passed it. Then our GM, SnatchSquatch took a turn. He hit that puddle like a battleship and just kept going from massive momentum. Or was it his massive reach as he set a new standard. Hoosier Daddy tried and set a record for futility, but he got wet. We were all wet. Wizard Sleeves also tried, but like all the bimbos, their tits slowed them down like a massive anchor. Nice anchors however. Finally it ended and we were off following Smell This again like the Pied Piper.
It was still raining. Next destination was the garage behind the home of Virgin Banger and Rent A Virgin. Eighty hashers jammed in and there was a keg. Good. It was still raining. And there we were stuck until almost 5PM. The On IN wasn’t open until then. And it finally stopped raining. The second keg was dragged out of the shag wagon. This was to be used at the second Beer Stop, but since we weren’t running anymore, and their was no trail, we brought it into the garage and bellies and bladders were soon filled to overflowing. And Tippy Cup was going strong.
Finally we headed over to the Dank House. Before we even changed clothes, a circle started on the roof. This went On and On. Finally I went inside and found food was already being served. Good meat on buns, macaroni, and cold slaw. After eating I went back for seconds. Meat was gone again. But the macaroni was good and so was the cake.
Then a circle started again on the roof. This time we managed to call out Just Reed for a naming. Something about intestinal issues in Italy, or was it Papa Luigi’s. Shitaly was suggested, but he ended up being called The Shitallion Stallion. Good name.
Several of us wandered into the entrance way to the hall and started singing when suddenly we were being thrown out. Time was up just as we were really starting to have some fun on our own. All to soon.
On On
Horn-E