Chicago Hash House Harriers

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 29 May, 2011, by Horn-E
Well, it was big. It was the annual Virgin Banger, Rent A Virgin Memorial Day Hash. And as usual, they did a good job of putting it together. They had co-hares in Smell This, Calvin Klein and Lifa. They had 73 hounds signed up in advance. There were many last minute attendees and several didn’t show, probably because of the rain. Probably about 80 hounds, most ready to run. But shit happened. Rain. A downpour right about 1PM, the announced start time. Oh, hell. I got there just before the start and barely got ready in running gear in time to stow my bag in the shag wagon.
It was still raining. We formed a circle and the usual marks were shown, especially for the visitors and virgins. It was still raining. Suddenly, Calvin Klein took off yelling follow me and throwing flour. Well, he doesn’t really run anymore and was passed before the corner. They should have given a bag of flour to Lifa and a ten minute head start. At least we would have had a trail. Instead we ended up following Smell This over to Hamilton and north to Winnemac Stadium. It was still raining. Without a trail, it isn’t a hash, just a run in the rain. But we did manage to get into Winnemac Stadium and Smell This led us around the track. Hashers were already trying out Slip N Slide. At the far end, Smell This halted the pack and started Slip N Slide. Many tried and some actually did a good job. Finally a mark was set as the farthest slide. Glory Hole passed it. Then our GM, SnatchSquatch took a turn. He hit that puddle like a battleship and just kept going from massive momentum. Or was it his massive reach as he set a new standard. Hoosier Daddy tried and set a record for futility, but he got wet. We were all wet. Wizard Sleeves also tried, but like all the bimbos, their tits slowed them down like a massive anchor. Nice anchors however. Finally it ended and we were off following Smell This again like the Pied Piper.
It was still raining. Next destination was the garage behind the home of Virgin Banger and Rent A Virgin. Eighty hashers jammed in and there was a keg. Good. It was still raining. And there we were stuck until almost 5PM. The On IN wasn’t open until then. And it finally stopped raining. The second keg was dragged out of the shag wagon. This was to be used at the second Beer Stop, but since we weren’t running anymore, and their was no trail, we brought it into the garage and bellies and bladders were soon filled to overflowing. And Tippy Cup was going strong.
Finally we headed over to the Dank House. Before we even changed clothes, a circle started on the roof. This went On and On. Finally I went inside and found food was already being served. Good meat on buns, macaroni, and cold slaw. After eating I went back for seconds. Meat was gone again. But the macaroni was good and so was the cake.
Then a circle started again on the roof. This time we managed to call out Just Reed for a naming. Something about intestinal issues in Italy, or was it Papa Luigi’s. Shitaly was suggested, but he ended up being called The Shitallion Stallion. Good name.
Several of us wandered into the entrance way to the hall and started singing when suddenly we were being thrown out. Time was up just as we were really starting to have some fun on our own. All to soon.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 23 May 2011, by Horn-E
This was Specklebirds 40th birthday and he doesn’t look a day over 39. And he had a pack of 28 hounds. There was a co-hare in Just Do Me Slowly and they ran out of Independence Tap. Was there a nice crowd for this day? No. They were hashers ready for some real shit. After a quick chalk talk, we were off heading east behind Horn-E on Irving Park. That lasted about a hundred feet as Glory Hole streaked past him and led us across the street and into Independence Park for our first Check. After a bit of confusion, I heard Rhotan confirm the trail went southwest and I followed as the pack streaked south on Hamlin and then further east to another Check at Waveland and Central Park. The pack was already heading south to Addison before I got there and I followed Hoosier Daddy through the narrow passage and then west along Addison and over the expressway. The first street was Avondale, running northwest. And here the mystery of the trail disappeared. It went straight NW on Avondale for six blocks with five Splits, all going straight and one Check, also going straight. By now the pack was almost completely strung out with the FRBs way ahead and Horn-E was trying to stay ahead of The International Virgin, Salty Gash and Hoosier Daddy, while keeping Just Miguel and the virgin Just Frank in sight about a block ahead. We finally headed south a block after Pulaski and a T and E Split. The difference was only in climbing a fence and reuniting a block later. Horn-E opted for the Eagle and almost ended up a stuck turkey as he climbed the fence and the pipe he grabbed gave away. Well, you always need some blood on trail to make it an official trail. We were now heading west on Grace, and by the grace of God, I stuck with Grace. Actually, several blocks ahead I saw some of the pack heading south into an alley. And then I saw some of the pack return to Grace several blocks later. I’ll stay in the state of grace, or on the street of Grace, or whatever. I saw Taste The Rainbow coming out of an alley and I directed him to those runners in grace, or on Grace. And at the end of Grace, there were no marks and no hashers. See, staying with grace does you no good, so go ye forth and sin forever more. We were actually unknowingly paralleling all this time and going south I saw some hashers actually on trail and heading up a hill and across some tracks. As I crossed these ‘live’ tracks I could see a train coming and these hashers heading west towards the abandoned tracks a block away. And Specklebird lives just over those tracks. Hmmm. Beer Stop. So Horn-E ran On. Meanwhile Salty Gash and The International Virgin blindly followed, yakking away and not seeing the on coming train. Fortunately it was slowing for the station and missed them by fifty feet with whistle blowing and just sparing us International Virgin blood and bloody Salty Gash all over the tracks. Is this how these train hitting commuters happen all the time. Meanwhile Horn-E was finally crossing the abandoned tracks to the Specklebird house with Way To Much Jism, finally running again, and Rhotan.
Heading into the backyard or the Specklebird house we found good beer and Squeeze These and about ten hashers. It was about a beer later when the final hashers finally arrived and by now, the skeeters were out in force. So I headed out and found myself walking back with Lower Wackoff. About three raced ahead and the rest followed on the long march back to the bar. There we found the MIAs Glory Hole and O’Shitty Runch on their second pitcher having blown through the trail and just ran On IN.
Bowls of Pop Corn came out thanks to the bartender’s soar balls, or was it the bartender, Soar Balls. Beer was soon flowing and Beer Spill Valdez started the circle. Many down downs were given to the deserving hares. And many others including a new transplant, I think his name is Ellie May Slappit, and several virgins, Just Meghen, and Just Frank.
Other trail hounds included Are There Real, Crop Duster, Just Pam, Just Sabrina, Pool Job, Lifa, Chicken Stifer, SnatchSquatch, W Jew 40 showing off his new Happy Coat with his name stitched on it, Just Steve, Dark Side Of The Poon, The Dark Kunt, and Ass Capades. We also had two house puppies, Its Too Soft and Slippery Box. And we drank on after midnight.

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash Mon, May 16, 2011 by Horn-E

Where did all of the hounds come from. It was cold out. All right, we had two beautiful Harriets laying trail, Corn Star and Back Door County. But like typical bimbos, they laid the trail backwards and there was only one trail outof all Checks. No Falses. We ran out of Ravens and according to my list, that was 29 Trail Hounds.
We took off heading straight for Lincoln Park for a quick run to the Gazebo and a Check. I was a block behind when that trail was found heading straight west. This lead across Clark and into alleys, then southwest to Orchard and Lincoln for another Check. Again, I was just in sight of the pack when trail was found. Not running well, I found myself running west with Taste My Rainbow. All right, lets get this straight. We have a Taste The Rainbow. This was a bimbo from Tampa. So we headed south on Halsted and into Oz Park where we saw the pack again at Armitage, just when a Check was found, heading east. We followed and found a mark into an alley by the fire station, but nothing more. We did see the pack head south on Larabee so we headed over there and headed south until we found a mark at Wisconsin. Now the marks and Checks were no longer marked as the sweep headed over to the beer stop, leaving us on our own. We found a Triple Split and Horn-E had Taste My Rainbow head south and he went east. Trail went south a block and Horn-E paralleled. But after a block he found nothing. Taste My Rainbow started to come his way so he looked around and suddenly Horn-E saw O’Shitty Runch heading south a few blocks to the east. So we were On and headed east and then south. Here he saw the ranging Lifa heading back to trail and again we headed south to North. Huh. Anyway, to the east we caught a glimpse of the pack and headed east to Wells and north to a Check. We split up a bit and finally found trail heading into Lincoln Park at La Salle. A short time later we found the pack drinking beer at the lagoon. All right, a short story, but I fell behind and hardly saw anyone the whole way.
Back Door County did have Jello Shots along with plenty of beer. Then a park patrol came by and Tell It To My Nipples quickly poured out a whole beer. Waste. He needs to learn how to hide it better. But shortly after we headed out of the park and took a long walk back to the bar. And then we waited and waited as the Hash Cash, SnatchSquatch took his sweet time finishing his beer before walking back.
But we managed to finally get started and Beer Spill Valdez and Calvin Klein tag teamed as RA in a lively circle, chaotic, but still organized. Even Rhotan couldn’t disrupt it much. Licker Leash was the FRB. We did have several visitors, Spread Cheeks, Fuckerup and Taste My Rainbow, all from Tampa and Donut Hole from Near Houston and Occupied from Hawaii. We also had one virgin Just Jeremy. Welcome and come on back. The hares were called back often and Horn-E was called out by Soul Taco for leaving behind a ghetto condom. Now where it was left behind is our secret, but it did look like that missing cold wet sock from the last Big Dog Hash trail. The circle was so enthusiastic the locals wanted in and were learning how to put their drinks on their heads to get recognized. Finally two very intrigued locals were called into the circle, Just Kacey and Just Eddy. And she really did almost a full pint, and then about half of one. Now if they were only runners.
After circle, the pack got into playing a giant Jenga game with two by fours. It was going fine until O’Shitty Runch finally knocked it over trying to stack it ever higher.
Who were the rest of the Trail Hounds? Get ready for a long list. Pool Job, Tampon Tampoff, Magnetic Muff, Two Girls One Cupcake, Chicken Stifer, Poultry Fucker, Mouthful Of Meat, Dickens Cider, The Dark Kunt, Crop Duster, Mount Schwiiinga, Dark Side Of The Poon and Just Kate.
We also had five House Puppies with Wang Chunks, Its Too Soft, Ice Princess, Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein.