Chicago Hash House Harriers

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 17 Apr 2011 by Horn-E

We met at the Two Way Lounge and our hares were R-Tard-E and Dark Side Of The Poon. We had 18 hounds at the start and we were joined by Happy Ass Grabber about five minutes into trail. And mid circle. Fistful Of Pricks joined us running the trail solo thanks to marked Checks. So a total of 20 hounds. We started to the north and the pack was moving fast. We had a Check at an alley just off of Kedzie Blvd. So where else would it go. North on the blvd. and then west of Logan Square. I went south and was now in catchup mode. Most of the day. After a block off of Logan Square, those damn hares pulled us into a loop through some alleys. Worked perfectly and I think the walkers, Beer Spill Valdez and Chunder Pussy were the only ones to catch it. Trail then headed south towards Fullerton and across. The walkers, now including SnatchSquatch were behind and I could see the front runners disappearing to the south. We finally caught them at a Check at Kedzie Blvd. Mostly a bunch of Check hangers, some FRBs were scattered about, but not finding anything. So Happy Ass Grabber headed south on Kedzie and Horn-E headed north each finding marks, but not enough. Horn-E eventually went a block west looking for marks and back through an alley only to spot the pack going the other way. Damn. Caught again. Damn. So Horn-E followed where he thought the pack went and eventually saw them in the distance at the east end of Palmer Square. Thankfully they were Checking and not getting anywhere. But as Horn-E approached, they were off and running again, south on Humboldt. In the distance Horn-E spotted the last of the pack, Happy Ass Grabber, entering a gangway. Just as he got there, he saw Happy Ass Grabber heading south. So just heading south, he finally got lucky as the pack was seen returning through another gangway and Horn-E led them south to Armitage and across the Blvd and a BN before the FRBs past him like he was standing still. Two blocks east and we went north to a Split. Sin Calzones and Soul Taco went east in the alley before the Split. Hmmm. Were they on to something. Turns out they were as this led two blocks to a back yard off of the alley. Meanwhile we headed the long way around on the street.
But there was beer. The sun was shinning, a ball was brought out and four square started. It was decided to hold our circle here before going back to the bar and more beer was purchased. Meanwhile an upstairs neighbor arrived with two guys carrying a couch. They stopped the game and these guys prepared to haul this couch up by rope instead of using the stairs. Never saw that before. Half way up, they were struggling and Taste The Rainbow and Crop Duster ran up to help. Chivalry. Somehow they managed to get it done. Then we got the circle going with Beer Spill Valdez leading. Naturally the hares spent a lot of time in the circle and so did a few others actually getting multiple down downs. Just Andrea. We did have two virgins, Just Ram and Just Mike. Welcome.
After circle there were several who had to leave and we headed back in shifts. Back at the bar we found four house puppies EZ On The Ass, Its Too Soft, Salty Gash, and Two Girls One Cupcake to go along with Taste The Rainbow who also didn’t run.
Who else was on trail? Sandy Syphilis, Ice Capades, Dr. Fudge Finger, Chicken Stifer, Just Nancy, Soul Taco, Just John, and Just Reed.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 4/10/2011 by Horn-E

We had an absolutely beautiful day for this hash from the condo of Ice Princess and hared by 10 Dix With Wings. And she did a pretty good job on trail with her first solo attempt. But the marks using colored sidewalk chalk were often missing or barely there. Dry wall works best.
This was the day of the Shamrock Shuffle and a lot of hashers run that race. So some drank beer after and didn’t make the trail. And some showed up because of the Shuffle that wouldn’t normally come. But all in all, a poor turnout of trail hounds on the warmest day by about ten degrees since last year. Hit a high of about 82 degrees and it was hard on the hounds who have been running in cooler weather. Like me.
So we finally had only 14 hounds on trail, and then we lost Pool Job after the second Check. But he got to get in a good run around the lakefront. Trail took off to the south and east to a Check on Wabash. Had the pack confused for a bit until someone found the trail a block to the north. This led to a loop that went right past the Check point and about a half block away. But confusion really was rampant as the chalk marks were almost missing completely in parking lots. We ran to the south and finally Horn-E spotted a faded Split that led to trail into Grant Park. We had to leap over a flower bed and headed east to a path to the south. Platypussy was a block to the south when Pool Job spotted a Back Check. That put SnatchSquatch in the lead for a few moments. Then it was Lifa leading us across a bridge and to the east. Several Splits and we came to a check as the path went under this huge tunnel under the outer drive. I saw Platypussy coming from the path on the south. I assumed he found nothing. So the pack wandered through the tunnel and to a Split. Apparently to the right was an On call and then a False. Someone mentioned that 10 Dix With Wings didn’t follow us through the tunnel. Was that a clue? We now went to the northeast and another Split. Hashers were running everywhere. I was talking to Licker Leash who said he couldn’t find anything anywhere. Hmmm. And he also mentioned that 10 Dix With Wings didn’t follow us. Hmmm. So we returned and we went south and we were soon On. We called out to everyone in sight and Or G came running from the far north. Was that all of us? No. We lost Pool Job. We headed west along Roosevelt and when I got to Michigan, they were wandering all over. Someone found a faded out chalk Check. So we headed across Roosevelt and Taste The Rainbow went south. Poultry Fucker went east. She was On and headed south at the next street finding another Check after a block. Meanwhile Chunder Pussy tried to short cut through a fenced field and found a fence he really had to struggle to get over. Poultry Fucker was On again to the south. This led across the street and into a park with a Triple Split. She took the middle and was wrong. Horn-E went south and found only painted arrows. Lifa found the trail to the east and apparently behind and around some hi-rise. This led to the Metra Tracks and Taste The Rainbow was already running south when Horn-E spotted a mark leading to a loop and back west for a short bit. I was running along with Five Hole Failure who was looking like she was having an energy failure. I was with her on that. We wandered south through a complex of town houses and a Hi-rise before coming to a Check. Lifa, Taste The Rainbow and Platypussy were to the east and looking for a way over a fence and a mark. Any mark. The walkers including SnatchSquatch and Its Too Soft caught up and we all headed west to Indiana. Or G found trail here and we headed south under the tracks and into some real urban shiggy along the tracks. But this was short lived as it was just a short loop.
10 Dix With Wings recently hashed in Oregon and finally found out what real shiggy is all about. And bleeding on trail. So she found us a little patch of good weeds.
But we were soon heading west to an alley. Here the bastard hare led us through a narrow gangway strewn with all sorts of garbage and a Check. I was followed by The Dark Kunt who spotted a Check. But as we emerged, some hounds were to the north and already ON. Some other hounds short cut and were standing around at the corner wondering what the fuck was going on. Apparently they had some marks there also. But we followed the leaders to the north, through a play lot and into an alley. We were falling behind, but Licker Leash spotted some marks over some raised flower beds and we were off to the west into a complex of town houses. We were lost a bit and Horn-E was on two to the west when Or G yelled they were on to the north. So, being near the corner, Horn-E just went north. Two blocks away he spotted Lifa looking like a bowl of lime jello with legs in that wild shirt, running into what turned into a park. Also saw Poultry Fucker and Taste the Rainbow and finally Platypussy who waved to Horn-E. So off he ran, finally merging with those runners Or G was with. We headed through this tunnel and into more town houses and a Check followed by BN.
Two blocks later we were at a Beer Stop. But who were all these people? House puppies who just walked from the start with co-hare Salty Gash who brought the beer. Two Girls One Cupcake, Rotton Whore, Beer Spill Valdez, Tampon Tampoff and Cum In My Ass Fault. We had three hounds missing, Pool Job, Chunder Pussy and 10 K Tika Ho. Hmmm. Finally Chunder Pussy and 10 K Tika Ho arrived, racing each other on in. SnatchSquatch finally ended the beer stop by yelling out, “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” Three mommies in the playground were horrified and holding their kids ears.
Back at Ice Princess’s condo we found him waiting and we headed up to the roof for a long circle led by the house puppy RAs Beer Spill Valdez and Calvin Klein. Other house puppies included Batteries Not Included, Crop Duster, Just Nancy and Dr. Fudge Finger. 10 Dix With Wings and Salty Gash did many a down down for putting together that “S.H.I.T.T.Y T.R.A.I.L. and beer stop. 10 Dix With Wings also provided some Irish Car Bomb cupcakes and the two bimbo hares had to eat a cupcake together, with no hands. Two girls one cupcake. Beer Spill Valdez also had to drink out of the sleeve. Don’t know what that is? It is an idea Horn-E brought back from Thailand and the Chaing Mai Interhash and presented to the hash in the form of a piece of pipe that the victim slips over his arm, preventing him from bending his elbow. Then he trys to drink a down down with that arm. Results in a waterfall all over the face. After circle we ordered some pizza and sat in the sun and the 83 degree warmth while summer lasted. Monday morning we were already into the fall season.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 3 Apr 2011 by Horn-E

This was set by O’Shitty Runch out of Cleo’s. If it wasn’t for the new people we could have made this a moon Hash. The attendance would have been that low. Where was everyone on the first 70 degree day of the year. Only six seasoned CH3 hounds. And ladies, you missed a sausage fest with only one bimbo on trail, the constantly smiling Cum In My Ass Fault. All those men to herself.
As for the trail, O’Shitty Runch planned a good course with two, yes two, Champagne stops and a 30 pack for 15 runners giving us all a double round at the beer stop. We’ll not say anything about the light pink chalk marks though. Hell we won’t. We lost trail constantly by missing hidden turns and overlooking these light marks. I mean constantly. But it did manage to regroup the pack all through the trail. Except Beer Spill Valdez who fell hopelessly behind. But to his credit, he kept trying to find trail until giving up just before the pack came on in. Well done on persistence.
So, what happened. We had 14 hounds take off on trail to the west for a short loop through a fast food parking lot and into an alley for a Champagne stop. Hidden behind a trash can was a bottle of bubbly. and the cork was sent about three stories into the air. They had to alert low flying NATO planes before blast off. This made it once around the pack and it was gone. Beer Spill Valdez went and joined some locals behind a garage for an impromptu beer stop while we took off to the east in the alley. And Stigmata led us down several alleys. And here it started as we constantly missed turn marks, hidden around the turn in light pink. But we pressed on and our virgins were getting into it along with the hashers who hadn’t hashed much and our visitor. But often we would go a block or more without a mark before we figured we missed a turn. Kept my sorry lazy ass in sight of the leaders and even in front after one early Check, where I immediately lost the lead to a Split. The trail was constantly going down one block and back on the next, but if you figured you could short cut this trail, you would still be out there. We finally headed south to a Split and were scattered everywhere, over two blocks away, and not finding the marks. There were a bunch of trucks for some energy drink company and some promoters milling around. So Horn-E asked for some free samples. At first they said they were out, but finally some cute young thing brought out a bag, stock full of high powered energy. We posed for them in front of their truck, drinking the fruity stuff and were soon off. This time we found the trail and headed for mattress alley. It took quite awhile to get through all of those and we still can’t get the smile off of Cum In My Ass Fault. With all of those sausages, she had enough quarters to pay hash cash for the next thirteen weeks. Of course those quarters now weighed her down and she soon drifted to DFL of the day. Yeah, she even fell behind Its Too Soft and Horn-E. I guess that energy drink didn’t have much. About another mile and we came to a second Champagne stop and the cork sailed down the tracks faster then an Amtrak train. We missed Beer Spill Valdez here and finally had to take off. Then six newbies raced for the tracks to beat another Amtrak train. Racing on trail. The horn was sounding and they were high stepping. Hey, it is a passenger train, not a freight. We experienced hounds took our time and followed, catching them at the next missed turn. We were finally on the return swing at this point as we headed west on Grand. We came to another Check and Horn-E got lucky for the second time and found trail down an alley, quickly losing the lead to Taste The Rainbow because of another missed mark. But we pressed on through one mistake after another and one missed mark after another. Oh, they were there all right. Mostly hidden and light. Finally we crossed Ashland and a Split. Uploader and Horn-E went right, wrong. Trail went back to Grand, around the block and finally into some alleys and the hare guarding a 30 pack, and playing pink Hop Scotch. And finally we were all in and all was good. Beer Spill Valdez never made it. But at the finish, he was waiting and ready for revenge on the hare in the circle.
We had two House Puppies, The Dark Kunt and Tell It To My Nipple, still hung over from some wild time the night before, were waiting with Beer Spill Valdez. Circle was started in the back room and we really pissed off the one table sitting there eating. But we pressed on with our charges and O’Shitty Runch drank a lot. We met out visitor, Four Finger Salute who sang us a good song. Then we met our virgins. Now I hope I get this right. Just John, Just James, Just Chris, and Just Joe. They all enjoyed the festivities and did a good job on their down downs after a spirited HEAD. Beer Spill Valdez hasn’t learned that yet. We also had a hasher who hadn’t hashed since about 1991. Yes, Okinawa in 1991. His name is Meshishibbee Paubau. That is Mississippi Runner to you English only hashers. Yeah, that included me. There was another hasher who hadn’t been around in some time, Just Chris. And he was begging for a name. All to many stories of his doctoring days and finger deep in fudge. Nine CM deep. While we questioned him as usual, we couldn’t get over his conversation from the beer stop of his many adventures. We had Knuckle Deep, Knuckle Rapist, 9 cm Deep, and several others. It finally came down to two names and Rear Admiral came in second to a unanimous choice of Dr. Fudge Knuckle. Dr Fudge Knuckle then spilled his beer all over the floor during his baptism. And the name came from a virgin too.

On On
Horn-E

Soggy Deposits and Uploader were our hares out of Chris’s Northwoods on North Ave. We had a nice pack of 24 running and walking Trail Hounds that included Disco Balls, Are They Real and Just Heather, a virgin who came just for Uploaders birthday, who walked to the stops. Our trail went south on Ashland for one block and then into an alley and south another block. Here Chicken Stifer led us to a Back Check. Well, we know he would rather range and he waited until the trail was found in another alley heading west. Chicken Stifer ranged and the rest of the pack ran down the alley. And guess what? The trail didn’t come out where expected. Instead it led to an instant Shot Stop. While the pack gathered, for shots, Chicken Stifer, our only MIA, ranged back to trail and was seen several blocks away running in first. Remember, ranging can cost you. You win some and you lose some. And shot stops and beer stops can happen anywhere.
So we finally ran on to the west to Damen and then north where we caught another Back Check. This led through an alley and finally over to Bloomingdale where the pack was stuck for a bit. But we had caught Chicken Stifer and he was finally ON. This led to an Uploader Check where he had his accident. We all high fived for his survival and went on. Trail went to the north and east and finally after a good split, we ran to the south on Elston. This is a long straight and some of the FRBs finally got out and running including Taste The Rainbow who became FRB of the day. At the first possibility for a left, trail went left. Again Chicken Stifer was waiting for a clue as to where the trail went and when it headed south, he paralleled. A whole pack followed him. We crossed North Ave and he kept going south, paralleling. Then he suddenly headed west through a parking lot. Thinking he was now ON, I almost followed when SnatchSquatch and Its To Soft yelled out that it was the turkey trail. Turkey Trail? No fucking way. We are young and able bodied. So the three of us headed west, back on the Turkey Trail, and found the Turkey Eagle Split. Now this is trail, and we took off. After several blocks we got back to Elston and saw Salty Gash and Fistful Of Pricks ahead. Horn-E left Its Too Soft and SnatchSquatch behind and followed and finally caught Salty Gash and Fistful Of Pricks and we ran on into the Beer Stop together. Apparently EZ On The Ass and Uploader caught up with the other Eagles and they ran in together, or not. There were many Turkeys on this beautiful day for running.
Just a thought. Wouldn’t it be fun if no beer was allowed to be tapped until the Eagles have landed. At least the first one. You could hide the beer and only give a clue to those on the Eagle trail. So the Turkeys would have to wait until the Eagles have landed to find the beer. Hmmm.
I digress. The beer was in a back yard, out of the wind, and the sun was so warm, it was T-Shirt weather. But all beer stops end and we walked two blocks back to the bar.
Beer was served and at $5/pitcher, it lasted long. Beer Spill Valdez led the circle and our hares drank plenty. So did the visitors, Return to Gender and Occupied. We also had virgins, Just Heather, Just Chris and Just Jenna. Taste The Rainbow was FRB, Chicken Stifer was SCB and Salty Gash was DFL. But, really, she wasn’t. Who else was on trail? Two Girls One Cupcake, O’Shitty Runch, Just Do Me Slowly, Where’s The Sausages, and Just Reed. We also had to girls join our party after circle, Just Andrea and Just Heather who said they want to join us.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
Chicago Hash 20 Mar 2011 By Horn-E

All right, with my bad wrist, I didn’t want to run and risk another fall. Smart or coward? You figure it out.
We ran from Ollie’s. Because of rain, Glory Hole went to relay the trail, live. After a quick circle led by the other hare, The Dark Kunt, a pack of fifteen was off. So I took off walking the trail and trying to keep the pack in sight. At the end of a long alley, I was only about 50 feet behind Lifa. That didn’t last long. Trail headed west and eventually across Broadway and I tried to keep them in sight by paralleling. It was working and a few blocks later I saw Beer Spill Valdez disappearing a block and a half ahead. Trail headed back to Broadway and I assume a Check. Suddenly they headed north and I was only a half block behind Lifa. Yeah, like that lasted. North of Bryn Mawr, the pack disappeared to the east. I paralleled and saw no one. Finally at Sheridan Rd. I saw a lot of flashing lights to the north. Fire? I could only assume at this point that the trail went over to Lincoln Park. It did and I was ahead of the pack. But why?
Are you ready for this. Glory Hole was playing live hare, but it had nothing to do with the dead guy on trail. and I don’t mean Dead Guy Ale. Really. Sad, but true. As I was told, trail went north on Sheridan and crossed the street, right were there was an accident with this dead guy laying on the sidewalk. Hashers went on by and went over to the lakefront, but there were no marks. Lifa said he returned and saw a southbound arrow under the dead guy. The pack was off, and I’m just reporting what happened. Sorry about the victim.
Meanwhile Horn-E is walking south in the park and wondering why the pack isn’t following. He actually spotted some marks and finally went wrong on a Split. Rain came and he headed east and over to the beer stop. Just before arriving Horn-E saw Pull My Pork pulling Cum In My Ass Fault into an alley. All right, they were supposedly on trail. So Horn-E directed Caught Red Headed after them and walked to the beer stop. and Horn-E was actually on trail and they weren’t. There were a few hashers already there when I arrived and we enjoyed a beer before heading back to Ollie’s. At the finish I found out that Tampon Tampoff managed to arrive, reeeealy late and managed to see the pack and get to the beer stop, making a pack of sixteen now.
Beer Spill Valdez led the circle and he is getting into being an RA. He took my suggestion and started something new, a SCB down down. That is Short Cutting Bastard. And since Horn-E walked and actually short cut a good part of the trail, he got this one. Well deserved, although Tampon Tampoff was also deserving. We got a chance to meet our three visitors, That Will Never Fly from Dayton and Used Virgin and Ring Around The Russel from Motown Ann Arbor. We also had Trail Hounds, Chunder Pussy, Its Too Soft, 10 K Tika Ho, 10 Diks With Wings, Chicken Stifer and Salty Gash on trail. And we had one House Puppy, Mouthful Of Meat.

On On
Horn-E