The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 3 Apr 2011 by Horn-E
This was set by O’Shitty Runch out of Cleo’s. If it wasn’t for the new people we could have made this a moon Hash. The attendance would have been that low. Where was everyone on the first 70 degree day of the year. Only six seasoned CH3 hounds. And ladies, you missed a sausage fest with only one bimbo on trail, the constantly smiling Cum In My Ass Fault. All those men to herself.
As for the trail, O’Shitty Runch planned a good course with two, yes two, Champagne stops and a 30 pack for 15 runners giving us all a double round at the beer stop. We’ll not say anything about the light pink chalk marks though. Hell we won’t. We lost trail constantly by missing hidden turns and overlooking these light marks. I mean constantly. But it did manage to regroup the pack all through the trail. Except Beer Spill Valdez who fell hopelessly behind. But to his credit, he kept trying to find trail until giving up just before the pack came on in. Well done on persistence.
So, what happened. We had 14 hounds take off on trail to the west for a short loop through a fast food parking lot and into an alley for a Champagne stop. Hidden behind a trash can was a bottle of bubbly. and the cork was sent about three stories into the air. They had to alert low flying NATO planes before blast off. This made it once around the pack and it was gone. Beer Spill Valdez went and joined some locals behind a garage for an impromptu beer stop while we took off to the east in the alley. And Stigmata led us down several alleys. And here it started as we constantly missed turn marks, hidden around the turn in light pink. But we pressed on and our virgins were getting into it along with the hashers who hadn’t hashed much and our visitor. But often we would go a block or more without a mark before we figured we missed a turn. Kept my sorry lazy ass in sight of the leaders and even in front after one early Check, where I immediately lost the lead to a Split. The trail was constantly going down one block and back on the next, but if you figured you could short cut this trail, you would still be out there. We finally headed south to a Split and were scattered everywhere, over two blocks away, and not finding the marks. There were a bunch of trucks for some energy drink company and some promoters milling around. So Horn-E asked for some free samples. At first they said they were out, but finally some cute young thing brought out a bag, stock full of high powered energy. We posed for them in front of their truck, drinking the fruity stuff and were soon off. This time we found the trail and headed for mattress alley. It took quite awhile to get through all of those and we still can’t get the smile off of Cum In My Ass Fault. With all of those sausages, she had enough quarters to pay hash cash for the next thirteen weeks. Of course those quarters now weighed her down and she soon drifted to DFL of the day. Yeah, she even fell behind Its Too Soft and Horn-E. I guess that energy drink didn’t have much. About another mile and we came to a second Champagne stop and the cork sailed down the tracks faster then an Amtrak train. We missed Beer Spill Valdez here and finally had to take off. Then six newbies raced for the tracks to beat another Amtrak train. Racing on trail. The horn was sounding and they were high stepping. Hey, it is a passenger train, not a freight. We experienced hounds took our time and followed, catching them at the next missed turn. We were finally on the return swing at this point as we headed west on Grand. We came to another Check and Horn-E got lucky for the second time and found trail down an alley, quickly losing the lead to Taste The Rainbow because of another missed mark. But we pressed on through one mistake after another and one missed mark after another. Oh, they were there all right. Mostly hidden and light. Finally we crossed Ashland and a Split. Uploader and Horn-E went right, wrong. Trail went back to Grand, around the block and finally into some alleys and the hare guarding a 30 pack, and playing pink Hop Scotch. And finally we were all in and all was good. Beer Spill Valdez never made it. But at the finish, he was waiting and ready for revenge on the hare in the circle.
We had two House Puppies, The Dark Kunt and Tell It To My Nipple, still hung over from some wild time the night before, were waiting with Beer Spill Valdez. Circle was started in the back room and we really pissed off the one table sitting there eating. But we pressed on with our charges and O’Shitty Runch drank a lot. We met out visitor, Four Finger Salute who sang us a good song. Then we met our virgins. Now I hope I get this right. Just John, Just James, Just Chris, and Just Joe. They all enjoyed the festivities and did a good job on their down downs after a spirited HEAD. Beer Spill Valdez hasn’t learned that yet. We also had a hasher who hadn’t hashed since about 1991. Yes, Okinawa in 1991. His name is Meshishibbee Paubau. That is Mississippi Runner to you English only hashers. Yeah, that included me. There was another hasher who hadn’t been around in some time, Just Chris. And he was begging for a name. All to many stories of his doctoring days and finger deep in fudge. Nine CM deep. While we questioned him as usual, we couldn’t get over his conversation from the beer stop of his many adventures. We had Knuckle Deep, Knuckle Rapist, 9 cm Deep, and several others. It finally came down to two names and Rear Admiral came in second to a unanimous choice of Dr. Fudge Knuckle. Dr Fudge Knuckle then spilled his beer all over the floor during his baptism. And the name came from a virgin too.