Chicago Hash House Harriers

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 2 May 2011 by Horn-E

We had three Polish Hares, 69 Cent Man, Virgin Banger, and Cumma Slutra for the annual Polish Constitution Day Hash from Four Treys. And a decent crowd for once with 33 hounds at the start and one short cutting bastard, Hoosier Daddy. He was coming late and as he got off his bus, he saw marks and followed them for less then 3/4 of a mile on in to the beer stop. The other 33 hounds ran a 4 mile loop around the start. We took off to the east with SnatchSquatch leading the pack for a block and a Split. From here we went another block east to the tracks and then north a block and under the tracks for a Check. Somehow, On was called back under the tracks and north. Wrong. It was north and then further east allowing Horn-E and Corn Star and a few others to get in front of the pack for a bit as we headed east in an alley and then north and back west to a Check at Lincoln and Addison. There were several hashers already there looking for marks, but trail was finally found to the north on Ravenswood. I was off in the wrong direction when the On call was made and I soon passed Two Girls One Cupcake jogging along and let her know that she wasn’t last. The two friends of the 69 Cent Man, Just Julian and Poodle Noodler who we only see at his runs, were walking behind her. Yeah!. Well that and a few others off in the wrong direction. But we ran on and soon we had another Check at Lincoln. This one went straight west and we were soon running up to two loops off of the same intersection. Damn hares got away with it too as some people were still turning north as we returned and headed south. And from here it went south and west a bit. A bunch of us got caught at Addison with traffic and fell behind. But Horn-E spotted some hashers returning to the street we were on. Thought we had short cut a bit of trail, but they were the usual short cutters in the distance and we went on to the west towards Western. We saw the short cutters again just before Western and to the south at Belmont. We decided to run on and actually stay on trail and followed the leader of our back pack, the visitor Two Fuck Canuck from St. Louis, as we headed south and then south on Clybourn. From here it was fairly straight as we ran down Barry and then north on Damen to the beer stop in a play lot.
From here it was a short walk back to the bar and the beer. Circle was a bit crowded in that small room and the beer was a bit warm and very veeerrry foamy. That left this otherwise good beer flat by the time the head settled. Poultry Fucker took over filling pitchers and did a good job considering the head. The hares got their normal ration of down downs. We called out the Polish, the Vets for the killing of Osama bin Laden by the Navy Seals, our visitors Two Fuck Canuck from St. Louis, Argentuna and Stop The Bus from Miami and Horse’s Ass from ????? We also had some virgins, Just Mariola, Just Jason, and Just Katy. Other trail hounds in this large pack included Corn Star, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, The Dark Kunt, Dark Side OF The Poon, O’Shitty Runch, Wrapper Snatcher, Taste The Rainbow, Porcelain God, Ass Capades, Chicken Stifer, Menage A Twat, Ernst Cumingway, Necrophiliac, R-Tard-E, Uploader, Just Paul, Chunder Pussy, Mouthful Of Meat, W Jew 40, and Just Reed. We also had a bunch of House Puppies wander in including Mount Schwiiinga, Mudsucker, Its Too Soft, Sin Calzones and Slippery Box.
Suggestion: On this trail we saw Hoosier Daddy wander off the bus and find trail that led him to the beer stop early. So he was declared the Front Running Bastard. But he never ran in front of the pack. He stumbled into the beer stop. We also have hashers who continually deliberately short cut the trail and wander into beer stops early.
But isn’t the FRB actually someone who “Led the Pack” most on that particular trail. Let’s recognize our best at leading the pack and helping others get on actual trail after Checks and Splits by calling On and alerting the following hounds that you are ON the trail that the hares set. Let’s call him/her FRB.
Let’s call those that get into the beer stop first, FBI as in First Bastard In and First Bitch In.
And lets call Short Cutting Bastards, SCB, for deliberately missing so much trail that the hares went through so much trouble setting for us. And this isn’t about those that are waaay behind and just trying to get back into the game. And give then an additional Down down especially if they were also FBI.
And of course, Dead Fucking Last is just that, slow or lost on trail. Last to the beer and/or ON IN.
Just a Suggestion. RAs ?

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 23 April 2011, by Horn-E
The Dark Kunt and Its Too Soft got a wonderful gift of good weather amidst one of Chicago’s rainiest and coldest Aprils in history for a roof top party over Its Too Soft’s condo. And the hibernators finally came out of their dens. We had 24 hounds at the start and one hound came late. The trail headed east in the alley and then east on Wolfram. Lifa and Horn-E led for the first block and then the front runners took over. At Halsted there was a Triple Split. Apparently trail somehow got over to the alley down the block. (?) Horn-E was at Diversey when it apparently was found, or was it? So he headed east a block and a visitor, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell came running at him yelling there was a Split. Looking around Horn-E spotted an arrow behind a pole and they were off to the east and then at the next corner, north to a Check at Clark. The pack scattered and no one went south, so Horn-E did. Only two marks. Heading north on Broadway he spotted the true trail coming out of the first alley, but the ranging hounds had already found marks heading east on Surf. Ice Capades led us along here until the next Split after a block. Trail was found to the north and then further east on Oakdale. We crossed Sheridan and headed further east and around a garage and over to the park. At the edge of the park was a Triple Split. Chicken Stifer was carrying the hash flag and headed south. I didn’t see him again until the beer stop. Meanwhile Ice Capades headed over to the driving range and found marks leading to a very faded out Check by the Mini Golf course. Horn-E and Tell It To My Nipples headed over to the tennis courts, but only found two marks. Tampon Tampoff somehow led the pack all of the way over to the lake. Was this a False. We came back from the tennis courts to see about the whole pack returning and running around the lagoon. We followed and Lifa came past me saying he hadn’t seen a mark since the first two blocks. Well, they were light, but they were there. We ran on south only to spot the pack returning north and over to the other lagoon. There was a Split. Poultry Fucker headed north so I followed. Naturally the pack went south. So I blew the horn several times until I managed to get Poultry Fucker returning and we headed over to Fullerton in time to see the last of the pack and the sweep, The Dark Kunt. We headed around the Zoo and finally entered the zoo and found a Split.
This was my down fall. As we searched south around the lion house, Batteries Not Included told me she saw marks earlier near her house. Way south on Clark. So Horn-E made the mistake of heading through the monkey house looking for marks on both sides. Probably visiting his relatives for Easter. He should have Passedover that part. No marks. But thinking the pack must have found something heading south while he was inside, he headed south. Nothing. So he used the best clue he had, never listen to a bimbo on trail, and headed over to Batteries Not Included’s house trying to catch up. Then it gets worse. Two blocks south he spots what appeared to be Cum In My Ass Fault, walking along and looking for marks. So he runs on, finally catching Cum In My Ass Fault. It wasn’t her. Damn. She was a jogger, same kind of hair and build. and unbelievably she was Asian. But not Cum In My Ass Fault. Damn joggers. What do they think this is, a sunny day. So, now, way off course, he returned to the park looking for the pack, circled another lagoon on the boardwalk and back through the zoo before finding a mark at the main entrance.
Back on trail, it was easy, following the trail. Found a Check at Oz Park, but solved that right away, got off course for a block, but soon re found the trail and On In to the beer stop at Its Too Soft’s Fullerton condo. And Chicken Stifer had one last beer saved for Horn-E. He needed it. From here it was a short walk On In to the finish.
Calvin Klein held circle on the roof and all was good. The beer was flowing and the sun was warm for a while. The hares got many down downs and Horn-E was called out for many well deserved reasons. Thanks Cum In My Ass Fault. We had four virgins, Just Kevin, Just Jeff, Just Chris and Just Chuck. I think I got that right. We had one visitor, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Fall On My Wood and Slippery Box ran probably their last trail. They are moving on. We had three house puppies in Way To Much Jism, EZ On The Ass and Just Rita and she got out a lot of good food for us. Who were the other trail hounds? Two Girls One Cupcake, SnatchSquatch, R-Tard-E, Just Andrea, Just Rob, Sandy Syphilis, Just Kate, Just Joan and Hoosier Daddy who ran only part of the trail before loosing marks at the park.
Later we went inside the condo and Calvin Klein re started the circle for a bit and we got into some good singing. SnatchSquatch did a good Allouette on Two Girls One Cupcake. We also did several others and Horn-E and Calvin Klein led a long version of The Engineer’s Song. Good time.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 17 Apr 2011 by Horn-E

We met at the Two Way Lounge and our hares were R-Tard-E and Dark Side Of The Poon. We had 18 hounds at the start and we were joined by Happy Ass Grabber about five minutes into trail. And mid circle. Fistful Of Pricks joined us running the trail solo thanks to marked Checks. So a total of 20 hounds. We started to the north and the pack was moving fast. We had a Check at an alley just off of Kedzie Blvd. So where else would it go. North on the blvd. and then west of Logan Square. I went south and was now in catchup mode. Most of the day. After a block off of Logan Square, those damn hares pulled us into a loop through some alleys. Worked perfectly and I think the walkers, Beer Spill Valdez and Chunder Pussy were the only ones to catch it. Trail then headed south towards Fullerton and across. The walkers, now including SnatchSquatch were behind and I could see the front runners disappearing to the south. We finally caught them at a Check at Kedzie Blvd. Mostly a bunch of Check hangers, some FRBs were scattered about, but not finding anything. So Happy Ass Grabber headed south on Kedzie and Horn-E headed north each finding marks, but not enough. Horn-E eventually went a block west looking for marks and back through an alley only to spot the pack going the other way. Damn. Caught again. Damn. So Horn-E followed where he thought the pack went and eventually saw them in the distance at the east end of Palmer Square. Thankfully they were Checking and not getting anywhere. But as Horn-E approached, they were off and running again, south on Humboldt. In the distance Horn-E spotted the last of the pack, Happy Ass Grabber, entering a gangway. Just as he got there, he saw Happy Ass Grabber heading south. So just heading south, he finally got lucky as the pack was seen returning through another gangway and Horn-E led them south to Armitage and across the Blvd and a BN before the FRBs past him like he was standing still. Two blocks east and we went north to a Split. Sin Calzones and Soul Taco went east in the alley before the Split. Hmmm. Were they on to something. Turns out they were as this led two blocks to a back yard off of the alley. Meanwhile we headed the long way around on the street.
But there was beer. The sun was shinning, a ball was brought out and four square started. It was decided to hold our circle here before going back to the bar and more beer was purchased. Meanwhile an upstairs neighbor arrived with two guys carrying a couch. They stopped the game and these guys prepared to haul this couch up by rope instead of using the stairs. Never saw that before. Half way up, they were struggling and Taste The Rainbow and Crop Duster ran up to help. Chivalry. Somehow they managed to get it done. Then we got the circle going with Beer Spill Valdez leading. Naturally the hares spent a lot of time in the circle and so did a few others actually getting multiple down downs. Just Andrea. We did have two virgins, Just Ram and Just Mike. Welcome.
After circle there were several who had to leave and we headed back in shifts. Back at the bar we found four house puppies EZ On The Ass, Its Too Soft, Salty Gash, and Two Girls One Cupcake to go along with Taste The Rainbow who also didn’t run.
Who else was on trail? Sandy Syphilis, Ice Capades, Dr. Fudge Finger, Chicken Stifer, Just Nancy, Soul Taco, Just John, and Just Reed.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 4/10/2011 by Horn-E

We had an absolutely beautiful day for this hash from the condo of Ice Princess and hared by 10 Dix With Wings. And she did a pretty good job on trail with her first solo attempt. But the marks using colored sidewalk chalk were often missing or barely there. Dry wall works best.
This was the day of the Shamrock Shuffle and a lot of hashers run that race. So some drank beer after and didn’t make the trail. And some showed up because of the Shuffle that wouldn’t normally come. But all in all, a poor turnout of trail hounds on the warmest day by about ten degrees since last year. Hit a high of about 82 degrees and it was hard on the hounds who have been running in cooler weather. Like me.
So we finally had only 14 hounds on trail, and then we lost Pool Job after the second Check. But he got to get in a good run around the lakefront. Trail took off to the south and east to a Check on Wabash. Had the pack confused for a bit until someone found the trail a block to the north. This led to a loop that went right past the Check point and about a half block away. But confusion really was rampant as the chalk marks were almost missing completely in parking lots. We ran to the south and finally Horn-E spotted a faded Split that led to trail into Grant Park. We had to leap over a flower bed and headed east to a path to the south. Platypussy was a block to the south when Pool Job spotted a Back Check. That put SnatchSquatch in the lead for a few moments. Then it was Lifa leading us across a bridge and to the east. Several Splits and we came to a check as the path went under this huge tunnel under the outer drive. I saw Platypussy coming from the path on the south. I assumed he found nothing. So the pack wandered through the tunnel and to a Split. Apparently to the right was an On call and then a False. Someone mentioned that 10 Dix With Wings didn’t follow us through the tunnel. Was that a clue? We now went to the northeast and another Split. Hashers were running everywhere. I was talking to Licker Leash who said he couldn’t find anything anywhere. Hmmm. And he also mentioned that 10 Dix With Wings didn’t follow us. Hmmm. So we returned and we went south and we were soon On. We called out to everyone in sight and Or G came running from the far north. Was that all of us? No. We lost Pool Job. We headed west along Roosevelt and when I got to Michigan, they were wandering all over. Someone found a faded out chalk Check. So we headed across Roosevelt and Taste The Rainbow went south. Poultry Fucker went east. She was On and headed south at the next street finding another Check after a block. Meanwhile Chunder Pussy tried to short cut through a fenced field and found a fence he really had to struggle to get over. Poultry Fucker was On again to the south. This led across the street and into a park with a Triple Split. She took the middle and was wrong. Horn-E went south and found only painted arrows. Lifa found the trail to the east and apparently behind and around some hi-rise. This led to the Metra Tracks and Taste The Rainbow was already running south when Horn-E spotted a mark leading to a loop and back west for a short bit. I was running along with Five Hole Failure who was looking like she was having an energy failure. I was with her on that. We wandered south through a complex of town houses and a Hi-rise before coming to a Check. Lifa, Taste The Rainbow and Platypussy were to the east and looking for a way over a fence and a mark. Any mark. The walkers including SnatchSquatch and Its Too Soft caught up and we all headed west to Indiana. Or G found trail here and we headed south under the tracks and into some real urban shiggy along the tracks. But this was short lived as it was just a short loop.
10 Dix With Wings recently hashed in Oregon and finally found out what real shiggy is all about. And bleeding on trail. So she found us a little patch of good weeds.
But we were soon heading west to an alley. Here the bastard hare led us through a narrow gangway strewn with all sorts of garbage and a Check. I was followed by The Dark Kunt who spotted a Check. But as we emerged, some hounds were to the north and already ON. Some other hounds short cut and were standing around at the corner wondering what the fuck was going on. Apparently they had some marks there also. But we followed the leaders to the north, through a play lot and into an alley. We were falling behind, but Licker Leash spotted some marks over some raised flower beds and we were off to the west into a complex of town houses. We were lost a bit and Horn-E was on two to the west when Or G yelled they were on to the north. So, being near the corner, Horn-E just went north. Two blocks away he spotted Lifa looking like a bowl of lime jello with legs in that wild shirt, running into what turned into a park. Also saw Poultry Fucker and Taste the Rainbow and finally Platypussy who waved to Horn-E. So off he ran, finally merging with those runners Or G was with. We headed through this tunnel and into more town houses and a Check followed by BN.
Two blocks later we were at a Beer Stop. But who were all these people? House puppies who just walked from the start with co-hare Salty Gash who brought the beer. Two Girls One Cupcake, Rotton Whore, Beer Spill Valdez, Tampon Tampoff and Cum In My Ass Fault. We had three hounds missing, Pool Job, Chunder Pussy and 10 K Tika Ho. Hmmm. Finally Chunder Pussy and 10 K Tika Ho arrived, racing each other on in. SnatchSquatch finally ended the beer stop by yelling out, “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” Three mommies in the playground were horrified and holding their kids ears.
Back at Ice Princess’s condo we found him waiting and we headed up to the roof for a long circle led by the house puppy RAs Beer Spill Valdez and Calvin Klein. Other house puppies included Batteries Not Included, Crop Duster, Just Nancy and Dr. Fudge Finger. 10 Dix With Wings and Salty Gash did many a down down for putting together that “S.H.I.T.T.Y T.R.A.I.L. and beer stop. 10 Dix With Wings also provided some Irish Car Bomb cupcakes and the two bimbo hares had to eat a cupcake together, with no hands. Two girls one cupcake. Beer Spill Valdez also had to drink out of the sleeve. Don’t know what that is? It is an idea Horn-E brought back from Thailand and the Chaing Mai Interhash and presented to the hash in the form of a piece of pipe that the victim slips over his arm, preventing him from bending his elbow. Then he trys to drink a down down with that arm. Results in a waterfall all over the face. After circle we ordered some pizza and sat in the sun and the 83 degree warmth while summer lasted. Monday morning we were already into the fall season.

On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 3 Apr 2011 by Horn-E

This was set by O’Shitty Runch out of Cleo’s. If it wasn’t for the new people we could have made this a moon Hash. The attendance would have been that low. Where was everyone on the first 70 degree day of the year. Only six seasoned CH3 hounds. And ladies, you missed a sausage fest with only one bimbo on trail, the constantly smiling Cum In My Ass Fault. All those men to herself.
As for the trail, O’Shitty Runch planned a good course with two, yes two, Champagne stops and a 30 pack for 15 runners giving us all a double round at the beer stop. We’ll not say anything about the light pink chalk marks though. Hell we won’t. We lost trail constantly by missing hidden turns and overlooking these light marks. I mean constantly. But it did manage to regroup the pack all through the trail. Except Beer Spill Valdez who fell hopelessly behind. But to his credit, he kept trying to find trail until giving up just before the pack came on in. Well done on persistence.
So, what happened. We had 14 hounds take off on trail to the west for a short loop through a fast food parking lot and into an alley for a Champagne stop. Hidden behind a trash can was a bottle of bubbly. and the cork was sent about three stories into the air. They had to alert low flying NATO planes before blast off. This made it once around the pack and it was gone. Beer Spill Valdez went and joined some locals behind a garage for an impromptu beer stop while we took off to the east in the alley. And Stigmata led us down several alleys. And here it started as we constantly missed turn marks, hidden around the turn in light pink. But we pressed on and our virgins were getting into it along with the hashers who hadn’t hashed much and our visitor. But often we would go a block or more without a mark before we figured we missed a turn. Kept my sorry lazy ass in sight of the leaders and even in front after one early Check, where I immediately lost the lead to a Split. The trail was constantly going down one block and back on the next, but if you figured you could short cut this trail, you would still be out there. We finally headed south to a Split and were scattered everywhere, over two blocks away, and not finding the marks. There were a bunch of trucks for some energy drink company and some promoters milling around. So Horn-E asked for some free samples. At first they said they were out, but finally some cute young thing brought out a bag, stock full of high powered energy. We posed for them in front of their truck, drinking the fruity stuff and were soon off. This time we found the trail and headed for mattress alley. It took quite awhile to get through all of those and we still can’t get the smile off of Cum In My Ass Fault. With all of those sausages, she had enough quarters to pay hash cash for the next thirteen weeks. Of course those quarters now weighed her down and she soon drifted to DFL of the day. Yeah, she even fell behind Its Too Soft and Horn-E. I guess that energy drink didn’t have much. About another mile and we came to a second Champagne stop and the cork sailed down the tracks faster then an Amtrak train. We missed Beer Spill Valdez here and finally had to take off. Then six newbies raced for the tracks to beat another Amtrak train. Racing on trail. The horn was sounding and they were high stepping. Hey, it is a passenger train, not a freight. We experienced hounds took our time and followed, catching them at the next missed turn. We were finally on the return swing at this point as we headed west on Grand. We came to another Check and Horn-E got lucky for the second time and found trail down an alley, quickly losing the lead to Taste The Rainbow because of another missed mark. But we pressed on through one mistake after another and one missed mark after another. Oh, they were there all right. Mostly hidden and light. Finally we crossed Ashland and a Split. Uploader and Horn-E went right, wrong. Trail went back to Grand, around the block and finally into some alleys and the hare guarding a 30 pack, and playing pink Hop Scotch. And finally we were all in and all was good. Beer Spill Valdez never made it. But at the finish, he was waiting and ready for revenge on the hare in the circle.
We had two House Puppies, The Dark Kunt and Tell It To My Nipple, still hung over from some wild time the night before, were waiting with Beer Spill Valdez. Circle was started in the back room and we really pissed off the one table sitting there eating. But we pressed on with our charges and O’Shitty Runch drank a lot. We met out visitor, Four Finger Salute who sang us a good song. Then we met our virgins. Now I hope I get this right. Just John, Just James, Just Chris, and Just Joe. They all enjoyed the festivities and did a good job on their down downs after a spirited HEAD. Beer Spill Valdez hasn’t learned that yet. We also had a hasher who hadn’t hashed since about 1991. Yes, Okinawa in 1991. His name is Meshishibbee Paubau. That is Mississippi Runner to you English only hashers. Yeah, that included me. There was another hasher who hadn’t been around in some time, Just Chris. And he was begging for a name. All to many stories of his doctoring days and finger deep in fudge. Nine CM deep. While we questioned him as usual, we couldn’t get over his conversation from the beer stop of his many adventures. We had Knuckle Deep, Knuckle Rapist, 9 cm Deep, and several others. It finally came down to two names and Rear Admiral came in second to a unanimous choice of Dr. Fudge Knuckle. Dr Fudge Knuckle then spilled his beer all over the floor during his baptism. And the name came from a virgin too.

On On
Horn-E