Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1722

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 23 May 2011, by Horn-E
This was Specklebirds 40th birthday and he doesn’t look a day over 39. And he had a pack of 28 hounds. There was a co-hare in Just Do Me Slowly and they ran out of Independence Tap. Was there a nice crowd for this day? No. They were hashers ready for some real shit. After a quick chalk talk, we were off heading east behind Horn-E on Irving Park. That lasted about a hundred feet as Glory Hole streaked past him and led us across the street and into Independence Park for our first Check. After a bit of confusion, I heard Rhotan confirm the trail went southwest and I followed as the pack streaked south on Hamlin and then further east to another Check at Waveland and Central Park. The pack was already heading south to Addison before I got there and I followed Hoosier Daddy through the narrow passage and then west along Addison and over the expressway. The first street was Avondale, running northwest. And here the mystery of the trail disappeared. It went straight NW on Avondale for six blocks with five Splits, all going straight and one Check, also going straight. By now the pack was almost completely strung out with the FRBs way ahead and Horn-E was trying to stay ahead of The International Virgin, Salty Gash and Hoosier Daddy, while keeping Just Miguel and the virgin Just Frank in sight about a block ahead. We finally headed south a block after Pulaski and a T and E Split. The difference was only in climbing a fence and reuniting a block later. Horn-E opted for the Eagle and almost ended up a stuck turkey as he climbed the fence and the pipe he grabbed gave away. Well, you always need some blood on trail to make it an official trail. We were now heading west on Grace, and by the grace of God, I stuck with Grace. Actually, several blocks ahead I saw some of the pack heading south into an alley. And then I saw some of the pack return to Grace several blocks later. I’ll stay in the state of grace, or on the street of Grace, or whatever. I saw Taste The Rainbow coming out of an alley and I directed him to those runners in grace, or on Grace. And at the end of Grace, there were no marks and no hashers. See, staying with grace does you no good, so go ye forth and sin forever more. We were actually unknowingly paralleling all this time and going south I saw some hashers actually on trail and heading up a hill and across some tracks. As I crossed these ‘live’ tracks I could see a train coming and these hashers heading west towards the abandoned tracks a block away. And Specklebird lives just over those tracks. Hmmm. Beer Stop. So Horn-E ran On. Meanwhile Salty Gash and The International Virgin blindly followed, yakking away and not seeing the on coming train. Fortunately it was slowing for the station and missed them by fifty feet with whistle blowing and just sparing us International Virgin blood and bloody Salty Gash all over the tracks. Is this how these train hitting commuters happen all the time. Meanwhile Horn-E was finally crossing the abandoned tracks to the Specklebird house with Way To Much Jism, finally running again, and Rhotan.
Heading into the backyard or the Specklebird house we found good beer and Squeeze These and about ten hashers. It was about a beer later when the final hashers finally arrived and by now, the skeeters were out in force. So I headed out and found myself walking back with Lower Wackoff. About three raced ahead and the rest followed on the long march back to the bar. There we found the MIAs Glory Hole and O’Shitty Runch on their second pitcher having blown through the trail and just ran On IN.
Bowls of Pop Corn came out thanks to the bartender’s soar balls, or was it the bartender, Soar Balls. Beer was soon flowing and Beer Spill Valdez started the circle. Many down downs were given to the deserving hares. And many others including a new transplant, I think his name is Ellie May Slappit, and several virgins, Just Meghen, and Just Frank.
Other trail hounds included Are There Real, Crop Duster, Just Pam, Just Sabrina, Pool Job, Lifa, Chicken Stifer, SnatchSquatch, W Jew 40 showing off his new Happy Coat with his name stitched on it, Just Steve, Dark Side Of The Poon, The Dark Kunt, and Ass Capades. We also had two house puppies, Its Too Soft and Slippery Box. And we drank on after midnight.

CH3 #1722

Chicago Hash Run #1722 – May 23, 2011

Hares: Specklebird & Just Do Me Slowly

Venue: Independence Tap – 3932 W. Irving Park Rd.

View Larger Map

Hash Cash: $8

Event: Speckie’s turning 40!

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit ?
From the Lincoln Park/Lakeview “Green Zone“: Red Line to Sheridan or Brown Line to Irving Park, hop on the #80 Irving Park bus headed West towards Harlem. Get off the Irving Park bus at Springfield, continue West one block to Harding. Bar is on the corner.

From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Irving Park. Walk East 2-3 blocks to Harding.

Driving ?

Hop into your hooptie and schlep your sled to Harding and Irving Park, one block East of Pulaski.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1721

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash Mon, May 16, 2011 by Horn-E

Where did all of the hounds come from. It was cold out. All right, we had two beautiful Harriets laying trail, Corn Star and Back Door County. But like typical bimbos, they laid the trail backwards and there was only one trail outof all Checks. No Falses. We ran out of Ravens and according to my list, that was 29 Trail Hounds.
We took off heading straight for Lincoln Park for a quick run to the Gazebo and a Check. I was a block behind when that trail was found heading straight west. This lead across Clark and into alleys, then southwest to Orchard and Lincoln for another Check. Again, I was just in sight of the pack when trail was found. Not running well, I found myself running west with Taste My Rainbow. All right, lets get this straight. We have a Taste The Rainbow. This was a bimbo from Tampa. So we headed south on Halsted and into Oz Park where we saw the pack again at Armitage, just when a Check was found, heading east. We followed and found a mark into an alley by the fire station, but nothing more. We did see the pack head south on Larabee so we headed over there and headed south until we found a mark at Wisconsin. Now the marks and Checks were no longer marked as the sweep headed over to the beer stop, leaving us on our own. We found a Triple Split and Horn-E had Taste My Rainbow head south and he went east. Trail went south a block and Horn-E paralleled. But after a block he found nothing. Taste My Rainbow started to come his way so he looked around and suddenly Horn-E saw O’Shitty Runch heading south a few blocks to the east. So we were On and headed east and then south. Here he saw the ranging Lifa heading back to trail and again we headed south to North. Huh. Anyway, to the east we caught a glimpse of the pack and headed east to Wells and north to a Check. We split up a bit and finally found trail heading into Lincoln Park at La Salle. A short time later we found the pack drinking beer at the lagoon. All right, a short story, but I fell behind and hardly saw anyone the whole way.
Back Door County did have Jello Shots along with plenty of beer. Then a park patrol came by and Tell It To My Nipples quickly poured out a whole beer. Waste. He needs to learn how to hide it better. But shortly after we headed out of the park and took a long walk back to the bar. And then we waited and waited as the Hash Cash, SnatchSquatch took his sweet time finishing his beer before walking back.
But we managed to finally get started and Beer Spill Valdez and Calvin Klein tag teamed as RA in a lively circle, chaotic, but still organized. Even Rhotan couldn’t disrupt it much. Licker Leash was the FRB. We did have several visitors, Spread Cheeks, Fuckerup and Taste My Rainbow, all from Tampa and Donut Hole from Near Houston and Occupied from Hawaii. We also had one virgin Just Jeremy. Welcome and come on back. The hares were called back often and Horn-E was called out by Soul Taco for leaving behind a ghetto condom. Now where it was left behind is our secret, but it did look like that missing cold wet sock from the last Big Dog Hash trail. The circle was so enthusiastic the locals wanted in and were learning how to put their drinks on their heads to get recognized. Finally two very intrigued locals were called into the circle, Just Kacey and Just Eddy. And she really did almost a full pint, and then about half of one. Now if they were only runners.
After circle, the pack got into playing a giant Jenga game with two by fours. It was going fine until O’Shitty Runch finally knocked it over trying to stack it ever higher.
Who were the rest of the Trail Hounds? Get ready for a long list. Pool Job, Tampon Tampoff, Magnetic Muff, Two Girls One Cupcake, Chicken Stifer, Poultry Fucker, Mouthful Of Meat, Dickens Cider, The Dark Kunt, Crop Duster, Mount Schwiiinga, Dark Side Of The Poon and Just Kate.
We also had five House Puppies with Wang Chunks, Its Too Soft, Ice Princess, Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein.

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1720

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 5/9/2011 by Horn-E

Our hares were SnatchSquatch and Two Girls One Cupcake out of Weathermark. By all reports, it was a scenic route. Somehow I missed some of the scenic parts. Shit happens. By why does it happen so often? We took off with 18 hounds and Licker Leash leading the pack to the south. Horn-E got smart and lingered here because he saw some marks while walking to the start. Right ON as the trail took a quick loop across the street and headed south leaving Horn-E in front. Forget that. Licker Leash, O’Shitty Runch, and Tampon Tampoff quickly passed him. Where were the other FRBs? Shortcutting already? Turning west at 14th St. we had a quick Back Check and about ten of us ran south in an alley. Just before the end of the alley was a short trail between two buildings and a Check at the end. North wasn’t On and soon we heard a On call from Licker Leash to the east. So, what was left of the pack followed as we headed into a section along the tracks of new housing and town houses etc. We followed to the south and suddenly through a tunnel and then some ramps heading up to an overpass over the tracks. Here was the T/E Split. The turkeys stayed on the overpass and followed it down to ground level and then headed south. The eagles ran down a platform to the south, off the end, across the tracks and back north along an access road. Horn-E spotted this and took a shortcut through the fences that were everywhere to try to catch the Eagles. After a block or so, we had to flip a high fence and run west to the first street. Here trail went up to the tracks above and a train was going by. Suddenly Horn-E spotted the FRBs coming down from the tracks across the street. This had them in a loop around a fence and Horn-E was in front momentarily until Licker Leash passed him. Again. There were six of us as we ran to the south and then west under the El tracks and south a to a Check at State and Cullerton. Suddenly there were a lot more hashers around, checking? Oh yeah. the short cutters from the beginning. Trail was found to the west and we were off and running. After yesterdays marathon two hour hash, Horn-E was running slow and could barely keep track of the FRBs running south and east. Supposedly they ran up some steps at McCormack Place and through the building. By the time Horn-E got there, they were out of sight and he couldn’t find any marks. He went past the trail heading south all of the way to 25th and didn’t see anyone or any marks. So He returned, looking everywhere and all of the way to about 17th St and that tunnel again. This time he looked for the Turkey trail and lost it also. Rumor has it that the trail went under McCormack Place and to some steps to where the two trails merged. From here they headed along lake front paths to the north. Rumor also has it that Beer Spill Valdez got stopped by security along here and was delayed for about fifteen minutes. “I’m sorry sir, I was out jogging and I got lost. Where is the jogging path?” “Dressed like that? Hey buddy, let’s see some I. D.” It helps to actually be running, and in jogging pants, and a T-Shirt when stopped by rent a cops and using that jogging excuse. All right, I’m picking on him. At least he was still on trail. Meanwhile Horn-E ran under Lake Shore Drive and tried to pick up on trail. Ran east and then north then he found a Triple Split. Unfortunately this was off of a Check and by the time he found that out, he was at the east end of the area and going around this hideous building that looked like a huge commode. He envisioned the outgoing Mayor, sitting on top of it with his pants around his knees and doing it one last time to and on Chicago. What a huge A.. …. to dump all of that S… on Chicago. But I digress. After that Horn-E went around the Museum and to the Roosevelt tunnel. Still no marks under the tunnel so he just headed back to the bar. Meanwhile the pack was over by the Aquarium overlooking the lake and the beautiful skyline to the north and drinking beer. And the chivalrous pair of 10 K Tika Ho and Licker Leash went back of trail with a beer for the missing Horn-E.
Beer Spill Valdez called a circle together and we went through the usual multiple down downs for the hares and Beer Stop Valdez for losing track of what he was doing and had already done. The Dark Kunt was FBI “Because I can.” and was called out frequently for numerous offences and did all sorts of dances for us until O’Shitty Runch ringed her. We had two virgins on this trail, Just Katie and Just Mitch who both left before the circle. Didn’t someone tell them what the $8 was for and included beer after the run?
Who else was on trail? Lifa, Ass Capades, Pool Job, Soul Taco, Mouthful Of Meat, Darkside Of The Poon, Chicken Stifer, Just Kevin, and Happy Ass Grabber. There were four House Puppies, including Ice Princess who is in training for an Iron Man (Keep it up), and Sin Calzones, and Crop Duster and a very late arriving Mudsucker.

On On
Horn-E

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1719

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 2 May 2011 by Horn-E

We had three Polish Hares, 69 Cent Man, Virgin Banger, and Cumma Slutra for the annual Polish Constitution Day Hash from Four Treys. And a decent crowd for once with 33 hounds at the start and one short cutting bastard, Hoosier Daddy. He was coming late and as he got off his bus, he saw marks and followed them for less then 3/4 of a mile on in to the beer stop. The other 33 hounds ran a 4 mile loop around the start. We took off to the east with SnatchSquatch leading the pack for a block and a Split. From here we went another block east to the tracks and then north a block and under the tracks for a Check. Somehow, On was called back under the tracks and north. Wrong. It was north and then further east allowing Horn-E and Corn Star and a few others to get in front of the pack for a bit as we headed east in an alley and then north and back west to a Check at Lincoln and Addison. There were several hashers already there looking for marks, but trail was finally found to the north on Ravenswood. I was off in the wrong direction when the On call was made and I soon passed Two Girls One Cupcake jogging along and let her know that she wasn’t last. The two friends of the 69 Cent Man, Just Julian and Poodle Noodler who we only see at his runs, were walking behind her. Yeah!. Well that and a few others off in the wrong direction. But we ran on and soon we had another Check at Lincoln. This one went straight west and we were soon running up to two loops off of the same intersection. Damn hares got away with it too as some people were still turning north as we returned and headed south. And from here it went south and west a bit. A bunch of us got caught at Addison with traffic and fell behind. But Horn-E spotted some hashers returning to the street we were on. Thought we had short cut a bit of trail, but they were the usual short cutters in the distance and we went on to the west towards Western. We saw the short cutters again just before Western and to the south at Belmont. We decided to run on and actually stay on trail and followed the leader of our back pack, the visitor Two Fuck Canuck from St. Louis, as we headed south and then south on Clybourn. From here it was fairly straight as we ran down Barry and then north on Damen to the beer stop in a play lot.
From here it was a short walk back to the bar and the beer. Circle was a bit crowded in that small room and the beer was a bit warm and very veeerrry foamy. That left this otherwise good beer flat by the time the head settled. Poultry Fucker took over filling pitchers and did a good job considering the head. The hares got their normal ration of down downs. We called out the Polish, the Vets for the killing of Osama bin Laden by the Navy Seals, our visitors Two Fuck Canuck from St. Louis, Argentuna and Stop The Bus from Miami and Horse’s Ass from ????? We also had some virgins, Just Mariola, Just Jason, and Just Katy. Other trail hounds in this large pack included Corn Star, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, The Dark Kunt, Dark Side OF The Poon, O’Shitty Runch, Wrapper Snatcher, Taste The Rainbow, Porcelain God, Ass Capades, Chicken Stifer, Menage A Twat, Ernst Cumingway, Necrophiliac, R-Tard-E, Uploader, Just Paul, Chunder Pussy, Mouthful Of Meat, W Jew 40, and Just Reed. We also had a bunch of House Puppies wander in including Mount Schwiiinga, Mudsucker, Its Too Soft, Sin Calzones and Slippery Box.
Suggestion: On this trail we saw Hoosier Daddy wander off the bus and find trail that led him to the beer stop early. So he was declared the Front Running Bastard. But he never ran in front of the pack. He stumbled into the beer stop. We also have hashers who continually deliberately short cut the trail and wander into beer stops early.
But isn’t the FRB actually someone who “Led the Pack” most on that particular trail. Let’s recognize our best at leading the pack and helping others get on actual trail after Checks and Splits by calling On and alerting the following hounds that you are ON the trail that the hares set. Let’s call him/her FRB.
Let’s call those that get into the beer stop first, FBI as in First Bastard In and First Bitch In.
And lets call Short Cutting Bastards, SCB, for deliberately missing so much trail that the hares went through so much trouble setting for us. And this isn’t about those that are waaay behind and just trying to get back into the game. And give then an additional Down down especially if they were also FBI.
And of course, Dead Fucking Last is just that, slow or lost on trail. Last to the beer and/or ON IN.
Just a Suggestion. RAs ?

On On
Horn-E

CH3 #1719

Chicago Hash Run #1719 – May 2, 2011
Hares: 69-Cent Man & Virgin Banger Venue: The Four Treys Bar – 3333 N. Damen Ave.

Hash Cash: $8 Theme: Polish Constitution Day From the Hares: A keg of Stawski Beer will be provided by the Stanley Stawski Distributing Co. Just remember that this beer has a high alcohol content, so if you guzzle this like Miller Lite or water, you will get drunk. Wear a Polish shirt (provided that it’s not from a Polish beer company, as our sponsor, the Stawski Distributing Co., is brewing a relatively new Polish beer under their own name).

Environmentally-Friendly Public Transit ? From Lincoln Park/Lakeview: Red Line to Belmont, Brown Line to the newly re-opened Addison stop, hoof it two blocks West to Damen and two blocks South to Roscoe. Note the Paulina Brown Line stop just closed so don’t even think about it. From Wicker Park/Bucktown: Blue Line to Addison, Addison #152 Bus East to Damen, hoof it two blocks South on Damen to Roscoe.Driving ? Hop into your hooptie and cruise to Roscoe & Damen. Parking is usually quite findable for a yuppie ‘hood as there’s lotsa single family homes in the area but watch out for new resident permit zones which infest Lakeview like 17-year cicadas did last spring.

Run to Remember Beer Stop 2011

Event: Run to Remember 5K. Benefits the Chicago Police Memorial Foundation

Date: Saturday, April 30th

Assignment: Beverage Station at “halfway” point on course

Location: Lakefront Running Path, at Monroe Street

The Beverage Station will be located on the concrete path that runs along the Lakefront, south of the Chicago Yacht Club at Monroe Harbor.on Lakefront. Remember – this is the Chicago Yacht Club – not the Columbia Yacht Club (the big “ship”)…..

All materials will be at the Site when we arrive.

Timeline:

– Plan to be “On Site” at the Beverage Station by 6:30 a.m.

– We will start pouring 5,000 cups of water and other hydration fluids upon arrival.

– Race starts at 8:00 a.m. sharp

– Last Participants pass Beverage Station by approximately 9:00 a.m.

– Clean up discarded cups, etc. as soon as “pack” thins out….

Parking: If you are planning on driving, there is no parking at Monroe Harbor. The East Monroe Underground Parking lot would be the closest Park District lot. There will be free parking for all Run to Remember volunteers at the Waldron Parking Structure (south of Soldier Field). However, keep in mind that this lot is about 2 miles away from the Beverage Station. So, if you use this lot, allow for time to walk 2 miles to our location.

Post-race party: At Finish Line Area, Soldier Field, Gold Star Families Memorial and Park.

Post-Post-race party (if you want to get hammered with the cops after we all leave Soldier Field…..): TBA, but probably someplace like Stanley’s

SWAG: All Volunteers get a Run to Remember Volunteer T-shirt (great apparel to be wearing if you are spotted weaving in traffic in the middle of the night). If you can confirm to me before Friday that you are coming, and give me your shirt size, I’ll bring shirts with me to the Beverage Station.

I will sign-off on community service hours, for any of you who need them……

Although I’m sure we could pull it off with fewer, I would really like to have about 20 volunteers, so we can do it comfortably. Please let me know as soon as you can if you are in.

Thank you and on-on,

Ballsalotapus

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1718

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 23 April 2011, by Horn-E
The Dark Kunt and Its Too Soft got a wonderful gift of good weather amidst one of Chicago’s rainiest and coldest Aprils in history for a roof top party over Its Too Soft’s condo. And the hibernators finally came out of their dens. We had 24 hounds at the start and one hound came late. The trail headed east in the alley and then east on Wolfram. Lifa and Horn-E led for the first block and then the front runners took over. At Halsted there was a Triple Split. Apparently trail somehow got over to the alley down the block. (?) Horn-E was at Diversey when it apparently was found, or was it? So he headed east a block and a visitor, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell came running at him yelling there was a Split. Looking around Horn-E spotted an arrow behind a pole and they were off to the east and then at the next corner, north to a Check at Clark. The pack scattered and no one went south, so Horn-E did. Only two marks. Heading north on Broadway he spotted the true trail coming out of the first alley, but the ranging hounds had already found marks heading east on Surf. Ice Capades led us along here until the next Split after a block. Trail was found to the north and then further east on Oakdale. We crossed Sheridan and headed further east and around a garage and over to the park. At the edge of the park was a Triple Split. Chicken Stifer was carrying the hash flag and headed south. I didn’t see him again until the beer stop. Meanwhile Ice Capades headed over to the driving range and found marks leading to a very faded out Check by the Mini Golf course. Horn-E and Tell It To My Nipples headed over to the tennis courts, but only found two marks. Tampon Tampoff somehow led the pack all of the way over to the lake. Was this a False. We came back from the tennis courts to see about the whole pack returning and running around the lagoon. We followed and Lifa came past me saying he hadn’t seen a mark since the first two blocks. Well, they were light, but they were there. We ran on south only to spot the pack returning north and over to the other lagoon. There was a Split. Poultry Fucker headed north so I followed. Naturally the pack went south. So I blew the horn several times until I managed to get Poultry Fucker returning and we headed over to Fullerton in time to see the last of the pack and the sweep, The Dark Kunt. We headed around the Zoo and finally entered the zoo and found a Split.
This was my down fall. As we searched south around the lion house, Batteries Not Included told me she saw marks earlier near her house. Way south on Clark. So Horn-E made the mistake of heading through the monkey house looking for marks on both sides. Probably visiting his relatives for Easter. He should have Passedover that part. No marks. But thinking the pack must have found something heading south while he was inside, he headed south. Nothing. So he used the best clue he had, never listen to a bimbo on trail, and headed over to Batteries Not Included’s house trying to catch up. Then it gets worse. Two blocks south he spots what appeared to be Cum In My Ass Fault, walking along and looking for marks. So he runs on, finally catching Cum In My Ass Fault. It wasn’t her. Damn. She was a jogger, same kind of hair and build. and unbelievably she was Asian. But not Cum In My Ass Fault. Damn joggers. What do they think this is, a sunny day. So, now, way off course, he returned to the park looking for the pack, circled another lagoon on the boardwalk and back through the zoo before finding a mark at the main entrance.
Back on trail, it was easy, following the trail. Found a Check at Oz Park, but solved that right away, got off course for a block, but soon re found the trail and On In to the beer stop at Its Too Soft’s Fullerton condo. And Chicken Stifer had one last beer saved for Horn-E. He needed it. From here it was a short walk On In to the finish.
Calvin Klein held circle on the roof and all was good. The beer was flowing and the sun was warm for a while. The hares got many down downs and Horn-E was called out for many well deserved reasons. Thanks Cum In My Ass Fault. We had four virgins, Just Kevin, Just Jeff, Just Chris and Just Chuck. I think I got that right. We had one visitor, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Fall On My Wood and Slippery Box ran probably their last trail. They are moving on. We had three house puppies in Way To Much Jism, EZ On The Ass and Just Rita and she got out a lot of good food for us. Who were the other trail hounds? Two Girls One Cupcake, SnatchSquatch, R-Tard-E, Just Andrea, Just Rob, Sandy Syphilis, Just Kate, Just Joan and Hoosier Daddy who ran only part of the trail before loosing marks at the park.
Later we went inside the condo and Calvin Klein re started the circle for a bit and we got into some good singing. SnatchSquatch did a good Allouette on Two Girls One Cupcake. We also did several others and Horn-E and Calvin Klein led a long version of The Engineer’s Song. Good time.

On On
Horn-E