Author: Snatch Squatch

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 3 Apr. 2010, by Horn-E

This was an Easter Celebration held on Sat because that was the only day that anyone volunteered their house for a celebration dinner. Thanks Soul Taco. Lifa Volunteered to be the hare and that meant we had to put up with another Lifa trail. At least that was heard on trail. But it wasn’t all that bad. Really. Honest. I swear on the Easter Bunny. We were soon off to the north with a small pack of hungry hounds out to further work up an appetite. Eleven hounds in all. We headed off to the north and the pack was a slow moving one. Even Crop Duster was still tired from Thursday’s hash. The front of the pack changed back and forth and at Splits and such but the back of the pack stayed much the same with Horn-E, Poultry Fucker and R-Tard-E holding up the rear. We had a Check at Addison and near the Expressway and there was a chance to maybe get ahead, but we were soon back in the rear as trail headed north, then west and finally over to an alley near Pulaski and Addison. Braving the traffic, Horn-E managed to get near the front around here. We went south one more block and then west, across Pulaski and we hit a Check. The 69 Cent Man was calling On to the south in an alley and I followed as Just Kelsey and Slippery Box zipped past me. We went a block west and I saw the 69 Cent Man heading south and then west again. But as we headed south, Crop Duster, now where did he come from, came out of where the 69 Cent Man disappeared. A good Back Check. We went south to Milwaukee and Pulaski where we had another Check. Trail was heading west and then south and we were soon following Crop Duster in the distance. We crossed Belmont and heading south to a parking lot where Horn-E came up behind Lifa sweeping. He said something about this should be interesting. Hmmm. A Back Check? And sure enough, the pack started to return. Heading south about 50 feet, Horn-E spotted the marks and was off and in front for about 100 yards until Just Kelsey passed him. See, even the old and slow can get in front for a short distance with a well laid Back Check. We crossed Pulaski and into a neighborhood of angled streets meeting NSEW streets. Where was the pack? A bunch of FRBs were out of sight at a Check. But Horn-E spotted them returning from the south. Happy Ass Grabber and Horn-E headed east and found marks and this led to the South.
From here we headed south across Diversey and into a large park where Soul Taco and Genesis, who didn’t run, arrived late, and assisted on the beer stop, were both waiting with beer and an Easter Egg Hunt set up. We were minus one hasher, Poultry Fucker who cut off along the way and headed back to Soul Taco’s place. Who else was on trail? The visitor, Vote For Pedro, Its Too Soft and Glory Hole.
We walked back to the On In and the food was cooking. We found the non runners Chicken Stiffer, Peterbilt and SnatchSquatch waiting. We were also joined by Bloody Thighs and Just Do Me Slowly who only came for the food. That ham was great and the chocolate cream pie was irresistible. Everything else was good too. Real good.
Genesis called the circle together on the porch and the hares got plenty of down downs We also included Crop Duster for his trail of Thursday. He deserved more. We quickly got into a naming for Just Kelsey. Genesis had a list of things about her that was a mile long. But we seemed to concentrate on the fact that she likes to run knickerless. It finally narrowed down to the Kansas Kommando and something similar and Sin Calvones. And that is what it ended up, Sin Calvones and so it shall be for evermore.

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 21 Mar 2010

Hares were listed as Ice Princess and Crop Duster from the home of Ice Princess. I don’t think Ice Princess ever left his place. But Erin Go Buff did in fact help lay the trail. We did have 15 hounds on trail. The trail led south to a partially enclosed cluster of town homes after a quick Check. Lifa found the trail and led us around a bit and then through a fence and gate. Ooops, don’t close the gate. We did. Trail led into a field where Lifa found a Back Check and a can of cold beer. A reward for the FRB. But it was a Back Check and we returned to the now locked gate. Genesis played super hero and climbed the high wall and opened the gate and we were off again. Winding around the complex of homes Lifa again led us to a False and a locked gate. Going back, Horn-E found marks heading south and another False. So we returned to the north and eventually out the main gate and back south along State. At Roosevelt we found Erin Go Buff sitting there laughing at the hounds who missed the light. The front of the pack were out of sight in the next cluster of homes. But we caught up with them just as they found the next Check where all of the Check hangers were waiting. Horn-E followed the ranging pack and in the distance Ginger Snatch, but we were off. The trail headed behind some homes to a narrow passage and a high wall. But at the southern end we were able to climb over the wall. Two Fuck Canuck and Horn-E managed this okay but others were struggling and the FRBs were already out of sight. The hardest climb was Turbo Dog. Something about no opposable thumbs. So she was lifted over the top. Trail led us back to Roosevelt and east where we crossed the previous trail at State St. and repaired marks by those sneaky bastard hares. This led us through some alleys and streets to the north and east and eventually over to Michigan Ave. We could see the FRBs heading north from some monument in the park and along the path paralleling the tracks. The pack swept towards the FRBs who eventually returned towards Michigan Ave. I followed Ass Capades as we cut a short bit of trail and soon we were heading into an underground garage. Check. That was nice. But the pack was soon On and into the parking area. They looked lost up ahead and Genesis headed south into a corner and found beer by a trash can.
Motor Whore A was also there. Not on trail, but she might have brought the beer. And so we drank some beer and an all to short, but decent trail was over. Who managed to run. International Virgin. Yeah, sort of running again. Just Cindy, 10,000 Tiki Whore, Suckiwi, Its Too Soft, The KGB, M’Alice from Vancouver and new to Chicago, Fruit Of The Clue.
Back at the Condo of Ice Princess, we eventually headed to the roof for a circle. The hares got their usual dosage of well deserved charges and down downs. We met the visitors M’Alice, Two Buck Canuck who ran trail and eventually Funny Bone Her who didn’t but helped Salty Gash get more beer. Thanks ladies. And we met Fruit Of The Clue who also did his first Chicago trail and has moved here. Welcome. There were two virgins who were also brought out, Just Caroline and Just Jill who didn’t run trail. Hmmm!. Wouldn’t they still be virgins then? We need to get them to break that cherry on trail somewhere soon. There was a long list of other hashers who also didn’t. Batteries Not Included, Calvin Klein, Soul Taco, Mouthful Of Meat, Wang Chunks, Fistful Of Pricks and Just Becky.
Back in the condo we settled into beer and some good chocolate brought by Just Becky. Ice Princess soon went beddy bye, or in the words of true drinkers, passed out. We only had one bitch fight that was quickly broken up. We made a lot of noise and eventually the neighbors came by. Noise? Who us? So, with our host passed out, we decided to honor his home and quieted down a bit. Hmmm, hashers quieting down. Now there is a novel twist. And so the hash slowly filtered away as hashers wandered off.

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 7 Mar 2010 by Horn-E

We were to run out of O’Malley’s West. Not a good hash bar as we learned later. Why it was up for bar of the year was beyond me. Our hares were Chicken Stifer and Fistful Of Pricks and there was no trail laid. Chicken Stifer headed out to lay a trail a little after 2PM. Would we be stuck with some crappie hangover trail? We weren’t hungover. But 12 hounds took off on trail. Trail headed west and wound through all to familiar streets and alleys. But it wasn’t a bad trail so far. There was even a loop through a gangway that worked. And all to soon we were heading back towards Oz Park, a block from the bar. Is this where we would be met by Fistful of Pricks and a beer stop after less then a mile and a half. But no. There was a Check. Sperm Diversion headed east and found a Split, He went straight so Horn-E headed south and he was On. We were leaving Oz Park. Where we to actually have a trail? This led to an alley and a Check at the exit of the alley. Horn-E went south on a long block and finally the On was called, to the east somewhere. Upon returning, everyone was gone. Horn-E circled the block and at the alley by the fire station he spotted Just Valinda at the far end. She was waving that she wasn’t on and returning. So Horn-E went around the fire station and headed south and soon was back on trail. We headed west and found Corn Star at a Triple Split. She checked to the north and found nothing. Horn-E headed east and found trail heading north in an alley. And so, the three of us just followed trail trying to stay together and help each other. Horn-E was mostly in front and found a Back Check. At last we are seeing more Back Checks being laid without numbers and the way they should be laid. This lead to a trail through a maze of town houses and finally toward Webster and Clark and a Check. This lead us north and west and it became obvious the trail was no longer a trail but just following marks to the inevitable beer stop at the Chicken Coop. And just as we arrived, the late arriving Lifa joined us, as DFL.
Upstairs we found the pack sitting around watching TV. Hey, this is a hash. So Lifa, Sperm Diversion and Horn-E sat by themselves and talked hash stuff.
Back at the bar, we found the bar was full of stool potatoes. That is couch potatoes but in a bar. Every table was full and people were eating. This would not be a good place for a circle or to even hang out. But Fistful Of Pricks bought beer and Chicken Stifer pleaded on bended knee and they finally let us into the upstairs bar for our circle.
Genesis arrived and started the circle and the usual shit happened. We were introduced to out virgin, Just Amanda, brought around by Ass Capades. Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein arrived to drink with us and immediately called out the Cub Fans for a down down because the White Sox beat them. Who fucking cares. Please, lets not having a running score on all of these teams all summer. We are a hash.
We did get around to naming two bimbos today. Just Valinda found some Costa Rican money on trail. 1000 something. And just like a little Costa Rican hooker she picked it up. Worth about $1.83. And so she got named 1000 dollar Costa Rican Whore or was it 10K Tika Hoe. Or something like that. We’ll see how that settles out. Then we named Just Allison, for her adventures with a New Zealander. SucKiwi. I will let that go at what it is.
Other hounds included Its Too Soft, R-Tard-E, SnatchSquatch, Crop Duster, and Free VD.

There was also a Hash Ball the night before. We have really slipped into just a party and it is no longer anything resembling a Ball. The bar was too loud, (the DJ sucked. Where was Odor Eater? Or yeah, getting drunk) the belly fill was just that and the beer was only Coors. Or was that Coors Light? Even worse. Remember a few years ago when we had Milk My Yak’s home brew. Damn good. And before that, the Ball was in a banquet room. The award winners from the Hash Ballot were announced. Fistful Of Pricks is the new Chicago GM. Check them on line. And why weren’t the write ins included? What were they? They sometimes out polled names on the ballot. I noticed that a bunch of paid people never even showed. Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein didn’t pay and were listed as coming. They saved $30. There were some in costume and some of the better ones were our own Corn Star as our own Corn Star. International Virgin all decked out in white trying to win again. Slippery Box in a slippery box with some Vaseline. Beer Spill Veldez as a Mexican spilling beer. Chicken Stifer fucking a chicken. EZ On The Ass with EZ on the ass. And Genesis as the Hasher Of A Thousand Names. There were a few others, but most of us didn’t dress up, including myself. I dress as Horn-E at every hash, so I thought I would just dress as myself for this one.
I finally left, early. Couldn’t stand the noise from the DJ and the Coors. Went to Friar Tuck’s for some good Michelob Amber and Sultry Skanks.

On On
Horn-E