Chicago Hash House Harriers

he Tale of the Trail,
Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein, Oct 2, 2011
…..The hash was scheduled for 2PM, start at 2:30. And there we sat until after 3PM and at least 3:15 before we got started. When I arrived, most were drinking beer and socializing, like hashers come for, around a table. A few were standing and a couple of hot babes, Drill In My Box and Just Do Me Slowly were perched on stools, waiting for some young hunk to approach. They got stuck with Horn-E. But really, we came to run. And damn if the hares didn’t finally make us run. Not the usual 4 miles, but well over 6, I’m sure. We had 18 hounds at the start for this A to B trail. Yeah, like we’d see then on trail. As best as I could figure, we lost Mudsucker, SnatchSquatch, Are They Real, Just William and W Jew 40 very early. They took wrong turns and found the trail On In and just quit and settled into beer on a beautiful day. That left 13 of us running this shitty trail. All right, not that shitty, but some long straights in it.
…..Starting slow, I followed the pack to the north and west. Finally we hit a Check at 33rd. Dr Fudge Packer was seen to the far north and On so Horn-E followed and with a toot of the horn, the pack followed. After a little loop in an alley we came to a Split. Couldn’t find it at first and Chicken Stifer was soon on it, but didn’t blow his whistle. Then Lifa found it and we were off, further north. We followed Chicken Stifer under a trestle and further north to another Split, Trail went back under the tracks and further south. But Horn-E and Dr. Fudge Knuckle paralleled and they were soon on again as the trail looped back at them on 26th. Dr. Fudge Knuckle picked a wrong way on a Split allowing Horn-E to lead us to a Check at Wentworth. He kept going east and was way off course when trail was found to the north. Over the highway was a Split and Horn-E was now so far behind, no one was in sight. They headed west and then north about two blocks away. Meanwhile Horn-E was paralleling the back of the pack as he headed through Chinatown. At 22nd the pack still hadn’t come back towards Wentworth so Horn-E was about to head west when he saw O’Shitty Runch working a Check. He followed just in time to see Ice Princess yelling On to the north and going behind the China Town Mall. As we headed east, our virgin, Just Alex took the lead and took us over to Wentwroth and a Split. Hey, well done. Trail now had to go back south, right? Wrong. We headed further north to 18th and then east. At Dearborn St. was a Check. Horn-E went south and found nothing. Trail went east, but looping over, he met Dr Fudge Knuckle on Indiana at a Split. Horn-E went south and was On this time leading to a Triple Split at 22nd St. Horn-E went south and Dr Fudge Knuckle and Chicken Stifer split the other two. Trail went east and Horn-E went just far enough, across 23rd, to see the trail return to him. Again leading he headed south past another Triple Split and a block later he had nothing. Looking back he saw Virtually Hung who seemed to point west and so he went west. Bye sucker. Nothing and no one on State or in this park. Crossing the expressway he still saw no one and didn’t know where to range over to pick up the trail. Probably, was, east. Anyhow Horn-E kept heading south on a parallel course all the way to 33rd before seeing marks. Heading backwards on trail looking for anyone or a missed beer stop, he finally saw Lifa. So he turned and headed on in as Lifa passed him and left him behind. This was a long straight until the little park just before the starting bar. Trail looped the park and in the southeast corner he saw Lifa running on in and a pack of those that missed trail. A few minutes later the pack started to wander on in. The Dark Kunt, Dr. Fudge Knuckle, Just Kristian, Chicken Stifer and Virtually Hung. But where were the rest. Oooops. We were missing Ice Princess, Drill In My Box, O’Shitty Runch, Just Do Me Slowly, Its Too Soft, Just Luke and our virgin Just Alex. It seems that they met a bunch of people coming back from some football game and were offered a beer. Hashers don’t refuse beer.
…..So the pack was finally complete. Calvin Klein led a circle and right after Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein left and left us with the rest of the beer. And the pack stood in the fading sun and warmth and finished the beer. 10 Dix With Wings and Fistful Of Pricks made an appearance after the hash as our only two House Puppies.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
Mount Schwiiinga’s hash for Paws. 9/26/2011 by Horn-E
We eventually ran out of Shoes with a pack of 17 Trail Hounds. No, it wasn’t that long, well hardly, and our shoes didn’t wear out. We ran out of Shoe’s Pub. And by eventually, I mean we really started late, and for once I arrived first and early, way before 7. The Chalk Talk marks were on the ground. Knowing Mount Schwiiinga, with getting off of work late, she often has a hard time getting to the hash on time, or finishing laying trail on time. So, I assumed we were to just start at the normal time, assume the marks she placed were it, and get going. It was getting tiring and old sitting around in a bar with out drinking and Lower Wackoff, Manage A Twat and Horn-E finally took off walking. Shortly after, the rest of the pack came out and held a quick chalk talk and followed. And sure enough, Mount Schwiiiinga wasn’t returning to the bar. She was waiting at the beer stop as I thought.
Trail went west to Racine and south to Cortland for a Check. Menage A Twat went south. Horn-E went east and then returned to go north on Clybourn. He finally found a mark and Taste The Rainbow was right behind him. On one, two, three and we were off. At the next corner was a Triple Split. Horn-E got lucky and found this to the west. A block later there was a Split and Horn-E got lucky again heading north. A block later the pack was breathing down Horn-E’s neck and we turned west. Trail was soon found heading south and back to Cortland for another Split. This one had to go west, because Horn-E already scouted out the east after the first Check. Sure enough, we headed across the river and over to Ashland for a Check. We now scattered everywhere before the On call was heard heading north on Ashland. At Armitage was a Split, but it was soon found and we continued north to Webster for another Check. Change of direction? Hah. Straight north on the east side of the street and over the river again. This time we found a Triple Split at Clybourn, at the bottom of the hill. This scattered us a bit, but soon we heard an On call heading north on Clybourn. This had a bunch of hounds off and running and that old man Horn-E got to the red light a little late. Everyone was soon gone. We headed north on Clybourn to Wrightwood and a Split, followed by a Check. Just Chris was running all over the strip mall and finding nothing. Trail was found the opposite direction to the east on Wrightwood. This went to a BN. Forget that. You know what the definition of BN in Chicago is. Beer Not Near. About a mile and a half away. Trail went west to Paulina and then north for over a half mile and a BVN. Which again wasn’t meaning Beer Very Near. Finally we found a turn to the west and at the next corner was a BVVN or something. About two blocks later the leaders finally found beer in the Hare’s back yard. They included Bar Fly, Just Chris, Taste The Rainbow, Just Michael, Little Trojan Annie, Just Luke, W Jew 40, MisManners and Just Jeff. Finally Horn-E arrived. Then about fine minutes later, the back of the pack arrived including Lower Wackoff, SnatchSquatch, R-Tard-E, Hoosier Daddy, Fistful Of Pricks and the DFL, Just William who made the mistake of listening to SnatchSquatch. Menage A Twat fell so far behind, she finally quit around Clybourn and Fullerton. We then had to find trail of about two miles back. Most just ran/walked back hitting on bimbos. But four followed trail all of the way and then dared to brag about it in circle. Got them a down down. And many were given by our two RAs, SnatchSquatch and his little brother, R-Tard-E. Mount Schwiiinga tended bar and had to frequently be called out from behind the bar to do her many down downs. Then we got around to naming Just Jeff. A real good question and answer session as he kept giving us so many good stories. We finally had to eliminate about 14 names and come to a final name. Damn, my favorite Crapper Napper barely got eliminated and he shall forever more be known as String Theory. I’m not getting into why, but think bloody dental floss. The beer flowed through several passings of the hat and I finally left about 1AM.
We also had three House Puppies, Hustle N Flow, Ass 2 Mouth, Wang Chunks.