The History of Anthrax

The History of the Great Chicago Anthrax Scare Hash & Santa Hat Run
By It’s Too Soft / Fuji, Chicago’s Original Hazmat Hare

Episode I: The Beginning – Just Santa Hats & Colder Than Hell – Sunday December 22, 2002

In 2002 I started my hashing career in Chicago with the frigid death march better known as the “St Valentines Day Massacre” hash out of Clark’s in Chicago’s historic Lincoln Park neighborhood where I live. My second hash wasn’t until April sometime at a Waukesha Full Moon in Bayview as I was working in Wisconsin at the time so was there on weeknights, thus starting my “dual citizenship” as both a Chicago and Waukesha hasher which continues to this day.

One time at the Chicago Fall Mismanagement band camp I do recall asking why Chicago being from a much larger city only has one major event each year (PoP) while Waukesha had two (Red Dress & Pearl Harbor). There was some discussion about maybe doing a “Great Chicago Fire” event or something like that but generally enthusiasm was limited so the it went no further. However in hindsight I believe I had tempted the fickle finger of fate that day.

Fast forward to Sunday, December 22 2002, a brutally cold and windy day in Chicago. I picked the Hidden Shamrock on Halsted because the bar is close to home and the manager, Kathy was a friend of mine so we got great pitcher specials for the hash despite being in a very expensive bar and neighborhood. Having plenty of flour thanks to 25lb bags for $3.57 from Sam’s Club I hurried to throw down extra large marks so they wouldn’t blow away in the gale force winds that day.

A few hardy souls gathered for the First Annual Santa Hat Hash, I think ambient temperature was like 20 degrees and probably single digits if you took into account the wind chill, and about thirty minutes late (I went out the night before, big surprise) the pack was soon off but daylight was rapidly failing. The trail zig-zagged roughly North and East a bit before heading into the and by the Zoo and Conservatory, then back into the neighborhood. A check at Lincoln, Halsted and Webster went East to the beer stop but 2/3 of the pack just declared f*ck it and ran straight up Halsted back to The Rock (our local slang term for the starting and on-in bar, the Hidden Shamrock) so only a half dozen made it to the beer check which was on my friend Jennifer’s rooftop deck at Cleveland & Fullerton.

Back at the bar the pack’s mood improved as the beers flowed freely. Flounder from Waukesha came in early to watch the English soccer matches so was in rare form by the time and the highlight of the night was when Waukesha visitor HO Gauge (Just Susan at the time) was photographed exiting the Men’s room followed by Mudsucker (see pic above). I only took three pictures that night on my crappy HP digital camera as there was no Fujirazzi back then. Eventually everyone left in good holiday spirits with no idea that one of the greatest hash anthrax scare catastrophes was yet to come.


Click Here to Go to 7th Anthrax Home Page and to Register!

Episode II: The Day We Will Never Forget – Tuesday, December 24, 2002

It was Tuesday, Christmas Eve two days after the Santa Hat run and I was at Chicago O’Hare airport waiting to board a flight back home to Philadelphia to spend Christmas with my family when IT HAPPENED.

A park worker in Lincoln Park by the Zoo came across my marks from the hash three days earlier and called the Chicago Police who promptly alerted the Chicago Fire Department who responded and tested the flour marks with their new hazardous material testing equipment and got a false positive reading for “anthrax-like substances” and promptly declared a Level 3 Hazmat Situation, closed down a five block area of Lincoln Park, sent all the workers at the Zoo and Conservatory home and scrambled pretty much every available first-responder on the North Side.

One of our hashers who worked for a local newspaper noticed that the incident occurred near where we had hashed the previous Sunday and contacted our GM at the time, Mudsucker who contacted me and Virtually Hung who went to the scene to talk with Fire officials. Eventually one of the Fire Lieutenants on the scene reached me on my cell and they sent a squad car out to the B Terminal of Chicago O’Hare Airport and escorted me to O’Hare Fire Station #3 where I got to speak live to the Fire Department officials on the scene and explain where I left my flour marks.

At the end of the day it all ended well. The police and fire personnel at O’Hare were extremely cool and professional when I explained the flour and the hash. The city ended up viewing the whole incident as a good “training exercise” and never came after the hash for the costs of the incident. Apparently their equipment was new and they hadn’t finished calibrating it yet, not to mention we were next to the Zoo with all kinds of naturally occurring trigger substances and we learned to make sure we had good contacts with local law enforcement and to this day the number one charity supported by the Chicago Hash is that of the Chicago Police Department.

The picture to the left is of me the day of the Great Chicago Anthrax Scare at O’Hare Fire Station #3 after I’d explained to the firefighters about the hash and the incident was over. They were very cool and even allowed me to get a picture of me next to one of the largest pumper fire engines I had ever seen (I suppose they need to be ready in case a 747 goes down!) to prove I was actually there! Note the date stamp in the lower left corner “02 12 24”. A date that will live in hash infamy.

Links to News Reports of Santa Hat Run Hash Marks Mistaken for Hazardous Substance in Lincoln Park

Chicago Tribune Articles:

12/24 Edition – “Suspicious powder deemed harmless”
12/25 Edition – “False alarm unnerves Lincoln Park”

Chicago Sun Times Articles:

12/24 Edition – “’Suspicious’ powder just trail marker”
12/25 Edition – “How I helped solve zoo mystery”

WBBM Newsradio 780 Chicago Coverage:

12/25 Edition – “Chicago Police Find Flour Is Not Anthrax”

Episode III: 2nd Anthrax, Sunday December 21, 2003

This was the only Anthrax Run not to start from the Hidden Shamrock as it was A-A from My Bar (now closed) at Ashland and Addison in Roscoe Village. We got great pitcher specials there because it was the sister bar to The Union which is owned by our friend TJ. Neither the weather (hazy overcast and not really all that cold) nor the trail were especially memorable, a long east-west horseshoe which zig-zagged east to Wrigley Field along the Roscoe-Addison corridor and back West mostly along Waveland-Grace.

We probably had about two dozen hashers and everyone wore Santa hats on the trail and at the on-in and pretty much owned the bar and took over the backroom. Lots of the old school crowd were there and many beers were consumed and the pack left that night in good spirits.

Episode IV: Back To The ROCK & Hazmat Suit Fashion Show
3rd Anthrax, Sunday, December 19, 2004

After our foray into Roscoe Village, in 2004 Anthrax returned to its spiritual home, the Hidden Shamrock on Halsted. It was a pretty friggin cold day, about 16 degrees but clear and with just a touch of residual snow on the ground. What made it unique is Milk My Yak got a few dozen white disposable coveralls from work and brought them to the hash. By now people were starting to have fun with the concept and we had like three dozen turn out on a bitter day.

As per the “return to tradition” theme, the trail reprised the original catastrophe but with better weather, way more daylight and a much bigger pack as it wound a bit north at first then headed straight for the park, with a check at the infamous Diversey/Sheridan/Stockton/Lincoln Park West intersection and the went South through the Zoo and the Zoolights festival, then back West with a beer/hot chocolate stop at Fuji’s Party Central Classic (way too small of a space for that many people!!) and then back to The Rock for circle and many holiday beers.


Episode V: The Party Grows – 4th Anthrax, Sunday December 18, 2005

Well now people are really starting to get into this as a sunny and relatively mild (for Chicago December) day was bestowed upon us as this time nearly four dozen gathered at the Rock for what is fast becoming a and annual Chicago Holiday tradition. Once again Yak scored us some ersatz hazmat suits, the pack got to run in the park and through the Zoolights Festival, and ended up back at The Rock for the traditional holiday blizzard of down-downs.

Both Anthrax and Chinese New Year were fast gaining momentum towards becoming big CH3 theme hashes Memorial Day also starting to gather steam, the Chicago hash landscape was rapidly evolving away from everything else is regular hashes except for PoP we had seen the last few years, a change for the better! 4th Anthrax was quite the good party but we had no idea what was coming and that soon Anthrax would mutate into a completely different organism!!

Episode VI: 5th Anthrax Joins #1469 To Become Chicago’s 2nd “Major”
Saturday, December 16 2006

Fast forward to Summer 2006, Chicago MisManageMent had a big problem, 5th Anthrax and Chicago 1469 were looking like they were gonna be on consecutive weekends and no-one wanted to have two event hashes back to back. We were saved by the bell because if we counted PoP’s hangover hash then 1469 moved onto the same weekend as Anthrax and if we moved both from Sunday to Saturday we could have big event and visitors from other area hashes could join us and that is exactly what happened.

Pre-lube party at The Union where cheep beer and a flock of already heavily pre-lubed Big Humpers made the preparty a blowout of epic proportions and foreshadowing the carnage to come. This year we started from The Rock as per tradition but rented out the party room at Durkin’s as we expected way more than we thought we could jam into The Rock and boy we were right as we more than doubled the event to about 90 for the main event with our traditional trail through the Lincoln Park and the Zoo and a beer stop with a full keg at Batteries’ high rise party room on Clark Street and a second beer stop on the brand new Party Central SkyDeck.

Afterwards everyone poured back to Durkin’s party room where we had four hours of open bar waiting for the thirsty pack along with food catered from Chicago classic, Brown’s Chicken & Pasta. I won’t begin to describe all the down-downs but suffice to say this was Anthrax’s coming out party going from a big local deal to a regional major event as for some reason this thing drew more visitors than I can ever remember coming in for PoP and due to some planning issues with the latter had now a shot at becoming the highlight of the Chicago Hash calendar. After our party at Durkins a bunch of die-hards headed out to Ivy on Clark in Wrigleyville to dance the night away in truly silly form. We didn’t really plan a hangover hash but designated Second City’s Annual Christmas hash on Sunday as the hangover, a bit late for the visitors but some hungover CH3 hashers made it I hear.


Preparty @ The Union

5th Anthrax @ The Rock & Durkin’s

Episode VII: The Great Blizzard of 2007 6th Anthrax, Saturday December 15 2007

Well now the word was starting to get out and efforts to roadtrip to other Midwest hashes’ major events were really starting to get us on the radar screen as we blew the doors off with total attendance at around 114 which makes it the largest Chicago area hash I can recall but what really made it memorable was THE BLIZZARD.

But before I start with Anthrax we did another pre-lube where we did a five bar holiday pub crawl which suffice to say kicked off the weekend of festivities with authority starting at Wrightwood Tap.

Back to Anthrax, it wasn’t really that cold or windy and we had a slew of hares and multiple beer stops planned again but what we didn’t count on is it started to snow just as we circled up by the elementary school near The Rock, well the snow continued to fall and at the rate of nearly an inch an hour pretty much obliterated the hares’ trail in effect making it a live hare run with a pack of 100!!! One of our planned shot stops by the Lincoln Park Zoo was also visited by a wedding party trolley and the participants were highly amused by the hash. The pack then proceeded to invade Party Central where the keg hoist served its duty getting a keg to the SkyDeck and then back to the party room at Redmond’s where we had enough beer to kill a small elephant and food catered in from a Thai restaurant around the corner. Plenty of down downs for the hares and everyone and generally a great time was had by all.

But this time the story didn’t end there where after the fun we had with a visitor-friendly hangover hash earlier that July on Sunday we decided to do it again, this time ending back at The Rock where Anthrax used to run. A great time was had by all and our friends from Big Hump left in great spirits, so good that they continued the party on the Megabus and what ensued became the legendary “MEGABUS OF SHAME” incident! I can’t do that story justice except to say that several were tossed off the Megabus by local law enforcement in downstate Illinois and had to bum a ride back home from relatives! Check out Do My Butt’s Album for the great story.


Prelube Pub Crawl –

6th Anthrax @ The Rock & Redmond’s –

Hangover Hash @ The Rock –

Do My Butt’s Megabus of Shame – Story and link to pix at

Episode VIII: 7th Anthrax @ The Beaumont, Saturday December 20 2008

This story has yet to be written, hopefully with your help but in the spirit of bringing “Change You Can Believe In” we have a kickass new venue – which also happens to be one of our favorite Lincoln Park hash bars, but now instead of taking over the double-wide front bar we have rented out the big backroom which normally is only used as a late night nightclub. Look out cuz this place has one of those formidable 5am licenses and the hotties start streaming in around midnight.

We have some really great food lined up from a local favorite Robinson’s who is known for great BBQ ribs, chicken etc. Pre-lube will be another pub crawl and the hangover hash will once again be in Lincoln Park too and visitor friendly so look out for another Megabus of Shame. What will you be spending your Monday, December 23 denying occurred at 7th Anthrax? Register today and find out!!!

Party on on to 7th Anthrax!


Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1571

HASH TRASH – Tale of the Trail
Chicago Hash #1571
Nov. 9, 2008 @ Windsor Tavern
HARES: Cumma Slutra & Virgin Banger
VIRGINS: Just Ashley, Just Jessica
HASHERS: Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Bloody Thighs, Chicken Stiffer, Erin Go Bra, Hoosier Daddy, Horn-E, Just Taylor, Just Hooper, Mudsucker, One-Handed Typist, Poultry F*cker, Rent-A-Virgin (cameo), and Sir Poops Alot
TOTAL HASHERS – 17 on a cold and snowy taste of what winter will be like!

Fujirazzi pix on the CH3 website and

Let’s see, the last time we were at Windsor Tavern it was for Idiot’s Day in December 2006 and there was snow everywhere so today couldn’t be all that bad, right? About a dozen hashers gathered outside as the hares explained the trail and the marks. When asked whether the beer stop would be indoors the hares quickly evaded answering. Yes, expect an outdoor beer check.

The weather wasn’t really all that bad with the ambient temperature around 40 degrees with light overcast skies as the pack headed out to a not that bad trail which headed generally southwest towards Portage Park in roughly a saw-tooth pattern even skirting around the edge of Portage Park (the park itself) before finally plunging in towards the south and exiting the Northeast corner.

It was definitely a fast “two-pack” trail with a bunch of those of us up front running almost constantly and widening the distance between us and the slower runners & walkers. After nearly as much pavement pounding as the Bank of America Chicago Half Marathon, the welcome “Beer Near” was spotted which led to Cumma Slutra’s dad’s crib where we partook of such fine craft macrobrews as PBR, Old Style and Bud Light. There were a few Guinness’s buried in there too but I suspect given their odd number (not 6 or 12) were leftovers from something else. As a bonus the pack was also treated to chicken soup which Cumma Slutra’s father made for us as he apparently cooks on Sunday for the entire week so it was easy to scale up a batch and felt okay about the chicken in the soup as we knew our Chicken was safe at Soldier Field watching the Bears get pounded by the Titans.

Back to the bar was minor death march of its own with long straight-aways up Central and across Montrose as Bang Me Blow Me and One-Handed Typist were essentially racing each other back to the bar because it was getting “cold”. To be fair there was enough wind to make the 40 degree ambient temperature feel like we should be seeing pools of liquid nitrogen starting to form on the sidewalk.

Once back at the bar we were surprised to see the Chickens dining on their fine board of fare figuring they must have pulled off the greatest traffic miracle of all time getting all the way up from Soldier Field to beat the pack back to the bar, in reality they bailed after the third quarter. So much for Rex Grossman being the salvation of the 2008 season.

With Chicken back in action he acted as ersatz RA as for some reason (location maybe) this was almost a completely different crew than we had out last week. In the circle, our hares Cumma Slutra and Virgin Banger got their usual hare down downs, and then Bang Me Blow Me and One-Handed Typist got down downs for being FRB/FBI racing back to the bar in addition to being the only “twins” present.

Then our virgins Just Ashley and Just Jessica got the only down down they would ever have to at a hash (note Just Jessica hails from “The Other Grand Rapids” – MINNESOTA not MICHIGAN), then the usual hash attire and other silly down downs followed ending with hash religion per ritual and tradition. After the circle people continued the party longer than usual and I think we passed the hat twice, finally it was time to bag out and head for my next party, Eagles game watching at Mad River where my birds just did not have enough juice to overcome the onslaught of the defending Super Bowl champs NY Giants.

Next couple of weeks we get back-to-back R T Tard E trails the second one of which we’re gonna do our annual Thanksgiving Dinner hash with Turkey and fixins’ the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend and don’t forget, we’re now taking regos for the CH3’s biggest event of the year, our 7th Annual Great Chicago Anthrax Scare Hash / Santa Hat Run. Can we break our record of 114 hashers this year? We’re gonna be at our favorite hash bar The Beaumont this year – talk about some real Change You Can Believe In. Price is $30 now but goes up this weekend to $35 so register today!

Party on on,

Fuji / It’s Too Soft
Consigliere, Hash Flash and Web Dude
THE Chicago Hash House Harriers

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1568.5

Oct. 19, 2008 CH3 #1568.5 @ Casa de W’all Bangher

HARES: W’all Bangher, It’s Too Soft, Snatchsquatch, Just Ira
VIRGINS: Just Keith
VISITORS: Just Tom (Guam), Tiny Tim (Maui), Lickty Slit, Mr. Ed, Mrs. Ed, Just Heidi, Just Amy, Just Beth (MH3),
HASHERS: Chicken Stiffer, Hoosier Daddy, Horn-e, Calvin Klein, Batteries not Included, Are they Real, More Tail, Mount Schwiiinga, Magnetic Muff, Mouthful of Meat, R-Tard-E, Just Taylor, Bloody Thighs, Sir Poops A Lot, Poulty F*cker, Lifa,


Every now and then the weather gods (good fortune) smile upon us and this past Sunday was exactly the case as we had great weather for the other hashes I co-hared (CH3 #1542 SkyDeck Opening Day in April, CH3 #1550 / 30th Anniversary in June, CH3 JV#2 Taste of Lincoln Ave in July, CH3 #1562 Labor Day) and now CH3 #1568.99 Hashtoberfest!! Despite running in a similar area, the mantra of the day was not to repeat the trail of Chicago’s September Saturday/JV hash just a few short weeks earlier.

Following the Prime Directive we started somewhere different from the get-go, so instead of Poitin Stil we went further South into the hinterlands to another totally new venue called Morseland just West of Sheridan on Morse as the pack gathered to watch the back end of shootout (when’s the last time you saw a 48-41 score in an NFL Football game??) between da Bears and their NFC North rival Vikings. Fittingly we had the largest visitor turnout to a CH3 non-major event hash in recent memory mostly from Minneapolis rooting for their Vikes!!! Double fortunately ultimately da Bears prevailed so we didn’t have to listen to their smack talk all night.

After newly-minted Thirstday RA Snatchsquatch led the chalk talk the pack headed straight East to one of what would be the first of several crossings of Sheridan to Loyola Park where a particularly subtlely marked check (the first mark was camouflaged by the artwork on the concrete bench) kept the pack confused for quite some time and was particularly punishing on any rangers as Horn-E headed South to Loyola, Calvin headed West to the L and Chicken Stiffer followed two false marks out onto the breakwater pier (did he really expect to find a third mark leading to the middle of Lake Michigan?).

The pack eventually found the trail and promptly ran like someone being chased by an F5 Tornado (whatever happened to noncompetitive hashing?) through the ziz-zag trail which eventually crossed Sheridan two more times, leading to a two block tour of the “Rogers Park French Riviera” also know as “Jarvis Beach” followed by a more or less direct run West to the Howard L station where W’all Bangher and Just Ira were waiting with multiple salvos of Jell-O shots in the self storage facility under the L. Once again she had way more shots than necessary as I think I had five! The pack then staggered North to Calvary Cemetery for a more or less straight West to East romp (after the last time where we zig-zagged several light years all over Hell & Creation through this half mile-wide cemetery) to Clark Square Park in Evanston where our co-hares had nice imported beer for stop #2 and we had a great photo opp of several hashers enjoying with their fancy import beers in front of the “No Alcoholic Beverages Permitted” sign.

After one or more hearty brews the pack headed South back to W’all Bangher’s wonderful casa right on the lakefront for some great food and a classic circle led by Jedi-Master RA Calvin Klein. Unlike most Sunday afternoon hashes, the post-circle partyage continued well into the evening, with much singing of hash songs and we even had to bust out the tiki torches to continue the party as daylight had long since departed. The hash finally ending when the keg was killed and the last beer consumed and locals and visitors alike left in good spirits.

Mad Props to W’all Bangher for not only opening up her fine casa to the hash (yes there are other goofballs out there too like me who don’t mind their places getting overrun by hashers!) and all the fine work she put into it, Snatchsquatch for helping me set the “Southern” part of the trail and finally Just Ira for her help setting the “Northern” part of the trail and beer/shot stop logistics. Too bad she only has a few weeks left on her six-month assignment in the US as she’s been flying below the radar heretofore, but after a breakout performance at 1568.99 could be one of the most promising rookies of the Class of 2008. Our loss is Germany’s gain.

This coming week the proven comedy team of Bloody Thighs and Virtually Hung hare once again out of our favorite Loyala University college bar, the Pumping Company for what I believe will be their 3rd or 4th Annual Halloween Hash. Bring your costume cuz there’s gonna be prizes for the best costume at the on in as well as candy!

Party on on,

Fuji [a.k.a. It’s Too Soft]
Consigliere, Hash Flash, Web Dude and Chief Sarcasm Officer
THE Chicago Hash House Harriers


Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1562

Hash Trash Chicago #1562
4th Annual Labor Day Hash @ Party Central SkyDeck

Hares: The CH3 Hare Triumvirate – It’s Too Soft (Lincoln Park Party Dude Extraordinaire), Lifa (CH3 Master Hare Level VII) and Just I Lean (CH3 Hare Rookie of the Year)

Hashers: Are They Real, Batteries Not Included, Calvin Klein, Cunt & Pasties, Cums On I Lean, Enema Canal, Free VD, Ginger Snatch, Grrreat Loch Ness Cockster, Happy Ass Grabber, Hoosier Daddy, I Like Dick, Just Brad, Just Chris, Just Joel, Just Joy, Just Nate, Just Rob, Magnetic Muff, Moan On Trail, Mudsucker, Odor Eater, Packher Ass, R Tard E, Rent-a-Virgin, Snatch Squatch, Special Head, Virgin Banger

Visitors: Davey Crochet (Atlanta), Choo Choo Caboose (Atlanta), Cookie Cumster (Waukesha), Drop Dead Hummer (Big Hump), Just Tim (Big Hump), Just Virginia (Madison), Return to Gender (Madison), Smell This (New York)

Chicago Hashers = 31
Visitors = 8
Total = 39!!

Absolutely perfect weather conspired to ruin what would have been an otherwise okay hash as the expected 20-25 die hards (we had 33 last year) swelled to 39 which like totally blew out our keg and Party Central had to dig into the backup food reserves, but I digress.

We started out with 26 die hards who made it out to Party Central to savor the glory of a freshly-tapped half barrel of Miller High Life before the hash started. What was intended to be entertainment for our locals has apparently turned into a visitor event too as we had NINE visitors show up for this, and not just random visitors in town for something else but peeps that wanted to come to this hash!

The first to show up were my co-hares Lifa and Just I Lean just after 11am. After a lively discussion about where to run trail and have a beer stop they headed out to lay Labor Day IV. I stayed back at Party Central to setup for the epic partyage that was to cum. The first non-hare to show was R Tard E who arrived just after 12:30 and helped with the keg run to Sam’s. Then arrived our visitors from Big Hump Drop Dead Hummer and Just Tim who drove five hours to catch CH3 Labor Day IV got to help out too and witness the Party Central Keg Hoist in action.

Soon other hashers started to filter in and the keg was tapped. Just when ya thought it was gonna stay sane, more visitors started showing up too. We had Party Central die hard Davey Crochet and his wingman Just Tim in from Atlanta. Then my good buddy and frequent CH3 event crasher at Party Central, Return to Gender and his sidekick Just Virginia rolled in from Madison. Lastly to my great surprise one of my favorite Waukesha hashers, Cookie Cumster showed up with her Chicago friend Just Joy.

After a quick chalk talk where we once again busted out the PPC bullhorn followed by a lightining round of introductions, the pack headed out East on my alley towards the lakefront and Lincoln Park, da actual park, not da hood. Things were going well as the pack enjoyed a scenic tour down the lakefront in the park until those incorrigible scoundrels from the dreaded Thirstday Hash hijacked the trail 15 feet off of the bike path and had an impromptu vodka pink lemonade stop to promote their upcoming Pink Dress Run. On a hot summer day the lemonade was greatly appreciated however I think the “trace levels” of vodka that it was spiked with were well below the EPA-allowable limit for vodka in drinking water from Lake Michigan, measurable only in parts per billion.

The pack then headed back on trail and got to the official CH3 beer stop in Oz Park by Lincoln Park High School where Ginger Snatch caught up with us to enjoy the greatness of Busch in cans. For some reason Calvin Klein remained MIA despite extensive marking and sweeping by the hares. This is not good because when you lose the RA on trail you know the hares will be punished with a veritable hailstorm of down-downs!

After that it was back to the Party Central SkyDeck with a straight shot North (Lifa pretty much acknowleged that anything other than straight back will be ignored by the pack).

Once back Calvin led another one of his great circles where the hares had enough down downs to fell a small elephant. We were joined by a slew of unexpected nonrunners (on top of the unexpected visitors) like Smell This & Cunt & Pasties, Mudsucker, Virgin Banger & Rent-a-Virgin, and even Indiana transplant Moan on Trail and her new roomie Just Chris.

After the circle, the pack was unleashed on the Party Central board of fare which included grilled lemon pepper marinade chicken breast bruchetta, barbecued marinade shrimp (yes Aussie fans, we had “shrimp on the barbie”), Italian pasta salad (thanks to Packer Ass), the infamous Fuji ultra-garlic carbo-load mostaccoli, and other snacks including Batteries’ spectacular artichoke dip. The pack was ravenous and all the food disappeared pretty much as soon as it was put out. Mad props to R Tard E for yet another great performance as grille master.

Due to the unexpectedly high turnout the keg was killed right as the circle was ending and Happy Ass Grabber stepped up to do a beer run coming back with four more 30 packs of the good stuff to keep the party going. After many rounds of flippy cup racing the pack consumed all the replacement beer and everyone headed back home, in good spirits.

Next year, if the weather is nice, I will learn my lesson and get TWO KEGS for 5th Annual Labor Hash in 2009!

In the meantime, a really fun campout hash is coming in two weeks, Indiana Intrahash in West Lafayette (only two hours South of Chicago!).

Party on on,
Consigliere, Hash Flash, Web Dude and Chief Sarcasm Officer
THE Chicago Hash House Harriers

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1528

Tale of the Trail – Chicago Hash #1528

The word for the day was bitter. Bitter cold (11 degrees ambient at chalk talk, negative double digits wind chill) and a heartbreaking Packer loss at Lambeau last Sunday. Just three hashes into the 2008 season It’s Too Soft is already front-runner in the race for for Worst Trail of 2008 thus proving without a shadow of a doubt that even a weather-shortend trail can still be a very sh!tty trail.

All started off well for the hash as the bar, The Spot provided each hasher two free Bitburger beers and $2 drafts for the hash. After a fast chalk talk, the weather-impacted pack led by front runners Virtually Hung and Calvin Klein headed North up the alley behind the bar eventually found themselves in a classic Fuji figure eight centered around the intersection of Clarendon and Sheridan. At that point what could go wrong went wrong as Virtual, Just I Lean and pretty much the rest of the pack except for Calvin and Just Jonathan (probably pissed about the figure eight ins subzero weather) started ranging and picked up the on-in trail by Weiss Memorial Hospital which became a defacto inadvertent Turkey/Eagle split where 3/4 of the pack shortcutted 1/3 of the trail in the park. However given the bone-chilling 20 below zero wind chills that day, for some odd reason many hashers didn’t seem to mind missing some trail.

Now the real trail went into Clarendon park and the under Lakeshore Drive at Montrose into Montrose Beach park and to the top of that huge mound where there was a check. A very nasty check as you pretty much had to run all around the base of the Mound find trail and now there were only three hashers to try and solve checks designed for the full pack. From there it went North to the parking lot by the skate park where there was another check which led back under Lakeshore Drive via Wilson Avenue, eventually heading West on Wilson to the Aragon Ballroom where there was a gratuitous check (mark but nowhere to go except continue on Wilson to Broadway where there was the last check in front of the Green Mill, and then back to the bar.

Once back at the bar, the hare was administered a veritable tsunami of down downs for what will likely be remembered as the Worst Trail of 2008 and probably cementing his lock on the 2007 Worst Trail award too as the aftershocks from this debacle spillover Katrina-like into the 2007 balloting.

The $2 drafts were Leinie’s Red in full pint glasses so special dispensation was granted for down downs so you only had to drink part of your pint. Runners included Super Stuff’her, Magnetic Muff, Uploader, Just Rob, as well as Are They Real who was the only smart person there and stayed in the bar instead of running extrememly cold crappy trail. We were later joined by GM Chicken Stiffer just back from some Cinci thing and Just Alex as well a few others.

After the hash crime down downs were administered the pack set to seeing how many pints we could consume before our special ended and I think we put away at least 50 in the last hour or so before the game. Just before game time Just Jonathan was named something I don’t recall and at the end of the game Calvin caught up on his beaty sleep as the Giants rallied to win it in OT over our Green Bay Packers. The ghost of Vince Lombardi is probably at this very moment repeatedly sticking a large hat pin into an It’s Too Soft voodoo doll because the amount of bad karma reeking into the upper atmosphere from Sunday’s trail probably rained down on Lambeau Field, contributing to the Packer’s loss later that day.

Now the Pack ain’t in it but still our thoughts turn to the big dance, Super Bowl XLII when will also have our annual Super Bowl hash, unlike the NFL we haven’t worked out yet where or by whom. Stay tuned as there’s talk of a post-hash Super Bowl commercial watching party which is likely to be frequently interrupted by a some sort of game involving very large men running into each other at unsafe velocities and among other things, a strange-looking ball.

Despite the outcome of the game and Category Five Bad Trail earlier, the day was not a total loss as we now have a new hash bar where the owner and staff finds that hash very entertaining, in Uptown of all places called The Spot. Heck, one ouf of three ain’t bad.

Party on on,

It’s Too Soft
Consigliere, Hash Flash, Web Dude and Chief Sarcasm Officer
Chicago HHH

Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1501

Chicago Hash #1501 @ Cork & Kerry
Monday, July 23

Monday night brought a fresh round of hash reinforcements to the far
South Side hood of Beverly for Chicago #1501 (yes, we don’t waste any
time ’round here). For those who have never been, Beverly is like
almost 1/3 of the way to Indy! Milk My Yak (who is also the hasher
who fabricated the legendary Keg Hoist) set what I heard was a great
trail out of Cork & Kerry @ 106th & Western. As it took me nearly 2
hours to get there from the far NORTH suburbs where I work I missed
the entire trail but heard the beer stop was at Mount Me’s crib on

For those who don’t know, this cat is like the only hasher I know of
that has more train noise than me (trust me the mile long Union
Pacific freight trains that rip by at 90 miles an hour made even this
hardened rail-proximity veteran think an earthquake was in progress
first time I heard it at 4am when I crashed there following the South
Side Irish Parade).

Anyhow yet another beautiful night out in beer garden at Cork and
Kerry and the hash enjoyed a good circle and the wonderful traffic of
the Dan Ryan Expressway construction on our way back to civilization
after that. Sorry no pictures because my camera was still recovering
from 1500 but hats off to handful of us that did all four days. We
got a down-down for that, and as God is my witness, I will never
drink again. Really….

Party on on,


Tale of the Trail – CH3 #1500.5

The Tale of the Trail Chicago Post 1500 Hangover Hash @ Party Central
Hash Trash 7/22/2007
Post 1500 Hangover Hash & bRUNch
by It’s Too Soft

Sunday morning found the crew brutally hungover but many still
wanting one last hurrah. My living room looked like Jonestown Guyana
the day after they drank the Kool Aid, as it was littered with fallen
hashers. Yet we were blessed with a third consecutive day of
unseasonably awesome weather (thus guaranteeing the RA nearly
limitless down-downs) which found a pack of just over 20 runners
joined by several latecomers gathered at Party Central for one last
go. The pack was almost all visitors as Chicago hashers pretty much
said “I’m tired, hungover, generally feel like ass and I LIVE HERE so
feck it – I can run around Fuji’s place in Lincoln Park anytime, so
I’m just gonna SLEEP IN”. Fair enough. After they stowed their bags
on the third floor deck which by that time was starting to look like
baggage claim at O’Hare during Thanksgiving the pack gathered in
alley between Diversey & Wolfram.

Chalk talk was led by GM Chicken Stiffer while Sin City’s own Fluffer
hurridly set trail thru unfamiliar territory with strict instructions
NOT to exceed one statute mile (5,280 ft). I did not actually run his
trail as once the pack left I hopped into my backup car (the
Interceptor smelled like dead feet after being used for two beer
stops @1500) for a quick food run down to Dominick’s as the pack
would be expecting chow when they got back, and way some of these
harriers run, we’re talking ten minutes or less, hangover or not.

Anyhoo, Indy’s C No Panty Ho graciously stayed back to help grab the
grub and when we got back we were joined by Assfault (who fired up
the Skydeck’s brand new (virgin) BBQ grille and cooked the bacon –
first time I’ve seen that done but if you think about it it does seem
to make sense) and Moan On who prepared a feast for the starving pack
down belowdeck for when they returned.

As we were unloading, back saunters in our hare saying “I think these
guys are going to kill me as I think the trail was well over TWO
miles”. Near as I can tell from marks I’ve seen in the hood since
then the trail did a big clockwise loop first South and then West
around Party Central as the hare returned from the North. Great –
hungover, starving, and now pissed hashers were about to stream back
to my house en masse… just can’t wait for that!

When they arrived, we cleverly stalled them with beer and bagels on
the Skydeck where keg #2 from 1500 the previous day finally gave up
the ghost. Fortunately I had passed on Chicked Stiffer’s instructions
and gotten a THIRD KEG just in case. Hindsight being 20/20 that
turned out to be a very good call. Calvin Klein showed us he still
had it with yet another excellent circle in which people were called
out for everything imaginable. Soon food was brought up to the
Skydeck and the circle was paused as the pack pounced on BREAKFAST.

Peeps hung out after that, some more Chicago locals filtered in (I
think for the food) and circle was reconvened for yet another round
of down downs and continued as folks slowly started to filter out for
their buses, trains, flights, etc. Next thing you know keg #3 was
floating but for some miraculous reason continued to spout forth
pitcher after pitcher of glorious beer like some kind of Hash
Hannukah miracle. Eventually the laws of Fluid Mechanics set in and
some quick thinking hashers went to the corner liquor store for a
couple more cases where we finished off the day with Chicken Stiffer
escorting the late bus people (I believe it was Indy – after three
days of balls out drinking I’m not 100% sure!) to Union Station. The
keg hoist performed its final duties of the weekend admirably
bringing back down the empty barrels prior to being stowed until my
next party.

Fortunately, due to a surge in late registrations for 1500 itself we
had enough money from the event to cover the cost of hangover so we
waived our announced $9 hash cash for trail & breakfast and made this
a FREE HASH which was an unexpected bonus for the visitors and lost
opportunity for those who slept in and skipped the Hangover trail…
literally, you snooze you looze (booze). But from those who made it
out for the events it seems like folks had a great time overall so we
will do something like this again (maybe use someone else’s car for
the beer stops next time tho as the cop car now reeks like Alpine
Valley after a Jimmy Buffett concert!). Thanks to all our visitors –
see all y’all next time and mad props to all the locals whose efforts
helped us pull this one off and not to mention the RA’s for the
unbelievable weather- sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good!!!

Party on on,

It’s Too Soft
Proprietor, Party Central Chicago
and someone who really needs to clean out the back of his car