Chicago Hash House Harriers

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 6 Jun 2011 by Horn-E
The bar was picked by Lifa, The Piano Man. They are normally closed on Mon. Lifa called the owner and set it up to be open for us with $5 pitchers. So far, so good. But somewhere between what Lifa thought we were getting and what the bartender delivered, there was a loss of communication. Shit happens. She opened about 2PM or there about and her shift ended by 8:30 or there about. When the visitor Pied Piper arrived, he talked to her and told her what we were doing. She asked when we would be back. About 9PM. She told him she would be closed. This was relayed to our GM, SnatchSquatch, but he believed we were covered. We weren’t. We learned at the beer stop that the bar was closed already. What? Panic. A phone call was made and Its Too Soft opened his rooftop deck to the hash for the On In, over a mile away. Thanks.
But, lets not get ahead of ourselves. I counted 29 trail hounds at the start that included five virgin hounds. Lifa road up on a bike, just as we were about to start. Trail headed north for a block and then through an alley as we worked our way over to Irving Park and our first Check. O’Shitty Runch was soon On to the west and we quickly started heading south and further west through local streets and alleys and staying relatively close together with the left, right course slowly heading into a big loop. We did have a big re-group at Lincoln and Melrose at a Check giving me a chance to catch up and actually start checking. Naturally I was in the wrong direction when trail was found in an alley heading west. That was the last I saw of Pied Piper who never made the beer stop. I saw the pack already coming south to Melrose and headed straight west on Melrose and under the tracks where the pack headed south. Two blocks later, we looped back to the east and I was able to give SnatchSquatch a little, all right, very little, short cut. Again we regrouped at Belmont and Paulina. And just as I arrived, hashers started heading south, but no one was really calling On. So Horn-E headed into a parking lot and worked his way south looking for marks. None. But now the pack was finally calling On heading south and Horn-E emerged through a school yard at Barry where Just Adriana was running by. We headed east to Ashland and caught a light and regrouped. Headed further east and north through some alleys. Horn-E was following, it seemed like all day, Mouthful Of Meat and The Dark Kunt when they avoided the alley. Finally catching and passing them he headed north in an alley with Magnetic Muff trying to keep the fading pack in sight. We headed east on Melrose and finally regrouped again at Halsted. Trail went through a parking lot, at least the short cut did and down an alley where we finally came to Broadway. This is where I finally figured out that we were going to the park for a beer stop. and there was those same two bimbos, tied at the hip, The Dark Kunt and Mouthful Of Meat, again ahead of me and walking with SnatchSquatch. Horn-E just ran right on by, smelling that beer. And at Sheridan, we headed right through the tunnel to a beer stop at the playground. And in that heat, we needed that.
But not everyone made it there and some found the bar and it being closed. Like I said earlier, the cell phones were blazing. Cell phones are to hashing like paint by numbers is to art. While straightening out this mess, somewhat, and getting a nice On In venue, if we didn’t have them and returned to find the bar closed, we’d have just gone to another bar. Hashers make it work. Cell phones just take away some of the spontaneity of hashing and fuck ups. Somehow, it loses something. According to Pied Piper, he managed to talk the bartender into letting him in for a quick one. But she had closed the bank and was closed. A bunch of us headed off to Its Too Soft’s roof top. Horn-E and Just Tim, a virgin from Hammond headed off on a short cut heading for Binny’s for beer, while the rest of the back headed south in the park.
Some went back to the bar to get cars and bags. Pied Piper told me he went by Chicken Stifer at his shag wagon and he wouldn’t tell him where we were going. Huh. But he got the address and actually ran into Horn-E and Just Tim walking down the street and we directed him. When we got to the roof, we were first with beer and about ten thirsty hounds were waiting. Soon more beer arrived and all was now good. Beer Spill Valdez led us in a circle and called in the hare, again and again. Its Too Soft was called in. But really, he deserves thanks for providing a last second back up. Thanks. Horn-E asked everyone to help clean up, because this wasn’t his party and shouldn’t be his job. Pool Job did a good job of helping Horn-E and Horn-E carried six beer containers down to the trash filled with empties. The Virgins were called out and included Just Tim, Just Annie, Just Davis, Just Carolyn and Just Curt. For some reason they also called Just Adriana out. She lost her virginity at the Moon Hash on Sat. But she was new to these hounds. Unfortunately, Just Tim had to leave right away to catch a train and we can only hope he will return. Not all trails get screwed us and he should get more beer time next time. And to all of the virgins, please return often and try some of the other hashes in town also. And Mouthful Of Meat is leaving Chicago for Portland. We wish her well.
Who else made it on trail, Fistful Of Pricks, R-Tard-E, Darkside Of The Poon, Licker Leash, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Cum In My Ass Fault, Taste The Rainbow, Four Finger Discount, Are They Real, Ass Capades, Just Nancy, Crop Duster and Or G. Besides Its Too Soft who opened his house, we had one other House Puppy, Tampon Tampoff.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 29 May, 2011, by Horn-E
Well, it was big. It was the annual Virgin Banger, Rent A Virgin Memorial Day Hash. And as usual, they did a good job of putting it together. They had co-hares in Smell This, Calvin Klein and Lifa. They had 73 hounds signed up in advance. There were many last minute attendees and several didn’t show, probably because of the rain. Probably about 80 hounds, most ready to run. But shit happened. Rain. A downpour right about 1PM, the announced start time. Oh, hell. I got there just before the start and barely got ready in running gear in time to stow my bag in the shag wagon.
It was still raining. We formed a circle and the usual marks were shown, especially for the visitors and virgins. It was still raining. Suddenly, Calvin Klein took off yelling follow me and throwing flour. Well, he doesn’t really run anymore and was passed before the corner. They should have given a bag of flour to Lifa and a ten minute head start. At least we would have had a trail. Instead we ended up following Smell This over to Hamilton and north to Winnemac Stadium. It was still raining. Without a trail, it isn’t a hash, just a run in the rain. But we did manage to get into Winnemac Stadium and Smell This led us around the track. Hashers were already trying out Slip N Slide. At the far end, Smell This halted the pack and started Slip N Slide. Many tried and some actually did a good job. Finally a mark was set as the farthest slide. Glory Hole passed it. Then our GM, SnatchSquatch took a turn. He hit that puddle like a battleship and just kept going from massive momentum. Or was it his massive reach as he set a new standard. Hoosier Daddy tried and set a record for futility, but he got wet. We were all wet. Wizard Sleeves also tried, but like all the bimbos, their tits slowed them down like a massive anchor. Nice anchors however. Finally it ended and we were off following Smell This again like the Pied Piper.
It was still raining. Next destination was the garage behind the home of Virgin Banger and Rent A Virgin. Eighty hashers jammed in and there was a keg. Good. It was still raining. And there we were stuck until almost 5PM. The On IN wasn’t open until then. And it finally stopped raining. The second keg was dragged out of the shag wagon. This was to be used at the second Beer Stop, but since we weren’t running anymore, and their was no trail, we brought it into the garage and bellies and bladders were soon filled to overflowing. And Tippy Cup was going strong.
Finally we headed over to the Dank House. Before we even changed clothes, a circle started on the roof. This went On and On. Finally I went inside and found food was already being served. Good meat on buns, macaroni, and cold slaw. After eating I went back for seconds. Meat was gone again. But the macaroni was good and so was the cake.
Then a circle started again on the roof. This time we managed to call out Just Reed for a naming. Something about intestinal issues in Italy, or was it Papa Luigi’s. Shitaly was suggested, but he ended up being called The Shitallion Stallion. Good name.
Several of us wandered into the entrance way to the hall and started singing when suddenly we were being thrown out. Time was up just as we were really starting to have some fun on our own. All to soon.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 23 May 2011, by Horn-E
This was Specklebirds 40th birthday and he doesn’t look a day over 39. And he had a pack of 28 hounds. There was a co-hare in Just Do Me Slowly and they ran out of Independence Tap. Was there a nice crowd for this day? No. They were hashers ready for some real shit. After a quick chalk talk, we were off heading east behind Horn-E on Irving Park. That lasted about a hundred feet as Glory Hole streaked past him and led us across the street and into Independence Park for our first Check. After a bit of confusion, I heard Rhotan confirm the trail went southwest and I followed as the pack streaked south on Hamlin and then further east to another Check at Waveland and Central Park. The pack was already heading south to Addison before I got there and I followed Hoosier Daddy through the narrow passage and then west along Addison and over the expressway. The first street was Avondale, running northwest. And here the mystery of the trail disappeared. It went straight NW on Avondale for six blocks with five Splits, all going straight and one Check, also going straight. By now the pack was almost completely strung out with the FRBs way ahead and Horn-E was trying to stay ahead of The International Virgin, Salty Gash and Hoosier Daddy, while keeping Just Miguel and the virgin Just Frank in sight about a block ahead. We finally headed south a block after Pulaski and a T and E Split. The difference was only in climbing a fence and reuniting a block later. Horn-E opted for the Eagle and almost ended up a stuck turkey as he climbed the fence and the pipe he grabbed gave away. Well, you always need some blood on trail to make it an official trail. We were now heading west on Grace, and by the grace of God, I stuck with Grace. Actually, several blocks ahead I saw some of the pack heading south into an alley. And then I saw some of the pack return to Grace several blocks later. I’ll stay in the state of grace, or on the street of Grace, or whatever. I saw Taste The Rainbow coming out of an alley and I directed him to those runners in grace, or on Grace. And at the end of Grace, there were no marks and no hashers. See, staying with grace does you no good, so go ye forth and sin forever more. We were actually unknowingly paralleling all this time and going south I saw some hashers actually on trail and heading up a hill and across some tracks. As I crossed these ‘live’ tracks I could see a train coming and these hashers heading west towards the abandoned tracks a block away. And Specklebird lives just over those tracks. Hmmm. Beer Stop. So Horn-E ran On. Meanwhile Salty Gash and The International Virgin blindly followed, yakking away and not seeing the on coming train. Fortunately it was slowing for the station and missed them by fifty feet with whistle blowing and just sparing us International Virgin blood and bloody Salty Gash all over the tracks. Is this how these train hitting commuters happen all the time. Meanwhile Horn-E was finally crossing the abandoned tracks to the Specklebird house with Way To Much Jism, finally running again, and Rhotan.
Heading into the backyard or the Specklebird house we found good beer and Squeeze These and about ten hashers. It was about a beer later when the final hashers finally arrived and by now, the skeeters were out in force. So I headed out and found myself walking back with Lower Wackoff. About three raced ahead and the rest followed on the long march back to the bar. There we found the MIAs Glory Hole and O’Shitty Runch on their second pitcher having blown through the trail and just ran On IN.
Bowls of Pop Corn came out thanks to the bartender’s soar balls, or was it the bartender, Soar Balls. Beer was soon flowing and Beer Spill Valdez started the circle. Many down downs were given to the deserving hares. And many others including a new transplant, I think his name is Ellie May Slappit, and several virgins, Just Meghen, and Just Frank.
Other trail hounds included Are There Real, Crop Duster, Just Pam, Just Sabrina, Pool Job, Lifa, Chicken Stifer, SnatchSquatch, W Jew 40 showing off his new Happy Coat with his name stitched on it, Just Steve, Dark Side Of The Poon, The Dark Kunt, and Ass Capades. We also had two house puppies, Its Too Soft and Slippery Box. And we drank on after midnight.

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash Mon, May 16, 2011 by Horn-E

Where did all of the hounds come from. It was cold out. All right, we had two beautiful Harriets laying trail, Corn Star and Back Door County. But like typical bimbos, they laid the trail backwards and there was only one trail outof all Checks. No Falses. We ran out of Ravens and according to my list, that was 29 Trail Hounds.
We took off heading straight for Lincoln Park for a quick run to the Gazebo and a Check. I was a block behind when that trail was found heading straight west. This lead across Clark and into alleys, then southwest to Orchard and Lincoln for another Check. Again, I was just in sight of the pack when trail was found. Not running well, I found myself running west with Taste My Rainbow. All right, lets get this straight. We have a Taste The Rainbow. This was a bimbo from Tampa. So we headed south on Halsted and into Oz Park where we saw the pack again at Armitage, just when a Check was found, heading east. We followed and found a mark into an alley by the fire station, but nothing more. We did see the pack head south on Larabee so we headed over there and headed south until we found a mark at Wisconsin. Now the marks and Checks were no longer marked as the sweep headed over to the beer stop, leaving us on our own. We found a Triple Split and Horn-E had Taste My Rainbow head south and he went east. Trail went south a block and Horn-E paralleled. But after a block he found nothing. Taste My Rainbow started to come his way so he looked around and suddenly Horn-E saw O’Shitty Runch heading south a few blocks to the east. So we were On and headed east and then south. Here he saw the ranging Lifa heading back to trail and again we headed south to North. Huh. Anyway, to the east we caught a glimpse of the pack and headed east to Wells and north to a Check. We split up a bit and finally found trail heading into Lincoln Park at La Salle. A short time later we found the pack drinking beer at the lagoon. All right, a short story, but I fell behind and hardly saw anyone the whole way.
Back Door County did have Jello Shots along with plenty of beer. Then a park patrol came by and Tell It To My Nipples quickly poured out a whole beer. Waste. He needs to learn how to hide it better. But shortly after we headed out of the park and took a long walk back to the bar. And then we waited and waited as the Hash Cash, SnatchSquatch took his sweet time finishing his beer before walking back.
But we managed to finally get started and Beer Spill Valdez and Calvin Klein tag teamed as RA in a lively circle, chaotic, but still organized. Even Rhotan couldn’t disrupt it much. Licker Leash was the FRB. We did have several visitors, Spread Cheeks, Fuckerup and Taste My Rainbow, all from Tampa and Donut Hole from Near Houston and Occupied from Hawaii. We also had one virgin Just Jeremy. Welcome and come on back. The hares were called back often and Horn-E was called out by Soul Taco for leaving behind a ghetto condom. Now where it was left behind is our secret, but it did look like that missing cold wet sock from the last Big Dog Hash trail. The circle was so enthusiastic the locals wanted in and were learning how to put their drinks on their heads to get recognized. Finally two very intrigued locals were called into the circle, Just Kacey and Just Eddy. And she really did almost a full pint, and then about half of one. Now if they were only runners.
After circle, the pack got into playing a giant Jenga game with two by fours. It was going fine until O’Shitty Runch finally knocked it over trying to stack it ever higher.
Who were the rest of the Trail Hounds? Get ready for a long list. Pool Job, Tampon Tampoff, Magnetic Muff, Two Girls One Cupcake, Chicken Stifer, Poultry Fucker, Mouthful Of Meat, Dickens Cider, The Dark Kunt, Crop Duster, Mount Schwiiinga, Dark Side Of The Poon and Just Kate.
We also had five House Puppies with Wang Chunks, Its Too Soft, Ice Princess, Batteries Not Included and Calvin Klein.