Chicago Hash House Harriers

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 27 June 2011 by Horn-E
…..This hash was set by the dynamic duo of Magnetic Muff and Just Do Me Slowly out of the Montrose Saloon. A great little hash bar with a beer garden and a gas grill for grillables after the hash. And the hares provided some hot dogs.
…..Speaking of hot dogs, our former Governor was convicted on 17 of 20 counts on this very day and lived a block from the bar. Change of hash plans as our hares took that into account in their plans and rerouted their course. Nasty bastards that they are.
…..We circled up for the simple instructions and had 17 trail hounds ready to go. Pool Job returned from a mile warm up run and we were off. Trail went straight north past the assembled vultures, I mean reporters, around the ex-govs house. We ran by yelling On On and blowing whistles and horns. And despite that, some idiot bimbo reporter almost got run over because she wasn’t looking where she was going. I love idiots. They are fun to watch. But we didn’t linger and ran on to the north and eventually on a fairly north course headed across the El tracks and across Lawrence and into a strip park along the river. Somehow a bunch of FRBs were suddenly behind me yelling, “Are you On”. I must have missed a Check or a Split. Well someone was because they were Checking again at Argyle. Now here the park keeps going north and one who knows the area might think that the hares would keep us in the park and swing north and west and over to the hares house for a beer stop. They fucked us good here. The Dark Kunt, Horn-E and the visitor Double Fister were already heading north along the river path when the On call was made to the east, across the bridge and back south. Damn hares. Well done. We headed south through more park as the pack left Horn-E behind. He reached the point where the only one in sight was Magnetic Muff, sweeping. We again crossed Lawrence and headed east in the first alley. At the end we headed south on Rockwell, across the tracks and east for a block. We then headed south again where the sweep left a SC arrow for short cut. And several more along the way until the main trail came back to the short cut trail. Horn-E and Beer Spill Valdez needed that. Yeah, he was out there, somewhere behind Horn-E, but still valiantly struggling along with the after effects of that whopper. And no, I’m not referring to some bimbo. But the trail went on, through an Aldi parking lot and down the alley and over to Western. Still no one in sight. Damn. Then Horn-E heard whistles. There was another Check at Western and Berteau and apparently the whole pack followed Pool Job across Western. But there were no marks that way. Then, just before Horn-E got to the Check, about ten of the pack came from the west on another False and headed on trail to the south. That’s what Checks are for. Worked fine. Nailed the bastards. After a block we headed west and hashers were coming out of an alley with Too Much Head getting there just before Horn-E. We headed further west in an alley and then south to Irving Park. There is a big park across the street and trail went around the ball fields. Taste The Rainbow took off following trail. In the distance we could see the loop and The Dark Kunt and Horn-E took a short cut where the trail would have to exit the park. We also saw Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off and her virgin friend Just Marci in the distance doing the loop. They saw others on the other side of the fence so they led a bunch of bimbos over the fence. Well, Taste The Rainbow went over the fence like a rainbow over the Hancock building. But Just Marci drew blood. Well done on your first hash.
…..A few hundred feet later we were at the beer stop, in a parking lot behind a factory. Beer Spill Valdez finally made it in. The only missing hound was Chicken Stifer who apparently was off ranging again and lost trail. After the last of the beer, we walked on back to the bar where the missing Chicken Stifer was in front of a TV with the lone House Puppy, Its Too Soft.
…..Beer started to flow and Too Much Head acted as bar maid. Good. Now that she’s married, she needs to start serving us. Oh, yeah. She and our FRB of the day, Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey recently got married. Congrats. We did call out Beer Spill Valdez as DFL. Poultry Fucker was FBI. Double Fister was our visitor, but not for long. He is moving to Chicago by the end of summer. And there were to virgins, Just Marci and Just Angel. She drew blood on trail and he did a good job of staying near the front and not getting lost. Well done and welcome.
…..After circle we got the grill going and enjoyed hot dogs and plenty of beer until the $$$$$ ran out. About 11 and we were heading for the door. Good time. Others on trail, to far ahead of me to see what they did, included, O’Shitty Runch, Dark Side Of The Poon and Just William.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago 20 Jun 2011, by Horn-E
We hashed out of Moe’s and we had two hares, 69 Cent Man and Menage A Twat. What could go wrong. We had I believe 30 Trail Hounds for this fast paced run. Normally a twisting, turning 69 Cent Man would lead to many opportunities to catch up to the trail but this pack was really moving. We headed south and then around in the alley and back north on Central Park. The leaders were running through a big empty lot and to a Check on Milwaukee. I saw some hounds heading south and through another empty lot and soon there was an On call. We followed and did a quick loop that put me almost DFL. But the next loop had me in front for about ten feet heading down an alley to the west. From here on, the pack quickly left me behind as almost everyone but the walkers passed me by as we ended up on Diversey heading east. The 69 Cent Man tried to tell me to go east on the north side of the street, but I run to the sight of the lead hounds and they were a block away and heading south. After waiting for traffic lights at Milwaukee, the pack was now out of sight so I headed south on Milwaukee to intercept. I saw the last hasher, name unknown, following in an alley. Then he backed out and said they went west. So we headed west and back across Milwaukee. He headed north in an alley and that was way off. I headed southwest and then south for a long block and then back east finally finding a trail. Okay. No ground really lost. This led to a unmarked Check at Logan Square. Where’s the sweep? I was On right away and again found myself running south on Milwaukee. Trail went through a large parking lot and a bunch of locals said they went that a way and very fast. Well, I’m old and not. This eventually led me over to Fullerton and another unmarked Check. I got sort of lucky, but missed a turn and finally got back on trail west on Fullerton. Again. I came to another unmarked Check. finally I saw Tell It To My Nipples and two virgins. They were returning from the west and found no marks. So we went north and at the alley was a Triple Split. And so I ran a lot finding nothing and returned and those three were gone. This time I headed south and found marks. And at the third mark, someone had marked it as a true trail. I know it is the true trail. It is the third mark. We need these marks at the Check. But I digress. Running on I finally found some marked Splits and finally a Beer Near. This led down an alley and through a parking lot to an arrow pointing across the street. There was the 69 Cent Man waving me into an empty lot. Now, this was the beer stop, but no one was there. Couldn’t be. I’m way behind. But I thought it was just something to run through and going around looked easier. Here I encountered Ass Capades coming my way. He said they ran on to the On In and no beer stop, so they were back tracking. We returned to that empty lot and that was indeed the beer stop. The hare just wasn’t there when the pack ran by. I did say, “What could go wrong.” Now we know. About a dozen hounds eventually made it back there. So, after a beer we walked up Central Park and the 69 Cent Man drove back to the bar and got most of the pack to go to an impromptu beer stop in that first empty lot we ran through.
From here we walked back to the bar and finally got the circle going and the beer flowing. SnatchSquatch led the circle and besides the hares getting many, Pool Job got a bunch for countless accusations. The visitor was called out, Ass Ripper from Ann arbor. And a bunch of virgins were called out. I hope I got this right. First was Just Marsha, the mom of Two Girls And One Cupcake who managed to walk some of the course. Thanks for showing. Others included, Just Rob, Just Austin, Just Will, Just William and Just Maureen. Welcome to all and come back. We then drank on with all leaving before midnight.
Who else was on trail. To the best of my knowledge, we had The Dark Kunt, Or G, Crop Duster, Two Girls One Cupcake, Tampon Tampoff, Just Nancy, Darkside Of The Poon, Taste The Rainbow, R-Tard-E, Licker Leash, O’Shitty Runch, Back Door County, Sandy Syphilis, Just Dusty, Just Rob, Just Kelly, Just Miguel and Just Paul. We also had four house puppies, Wang Chunks, Way To Much Jism, EZ On The Ass and Its Too Soft.
On On
Horn-E