Chicago Hash House Harriers

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash, 27 June 2011 by Horn-E
…..This hash was set by the dynamic duo of Magnetic Muff and Just Do Me Slowly out of the Montrose Saloon. A great little hash bar with a beer garden and a gas grill for grillables after the hash. And the hares provided some hot dogs.
…..Speaking of hot dogs, our former Governor was convicted on 17 of 20 counts on this very day and lived a block from the bar. Change of hash plans as our hares took that into account in their plans and rerouted their course. Nasty bastards that they are.
…..We circled up for the simple instructions and had 17 trail hounds ready to go. Pool Job returned from a mile warm up run and we were off. Trail went straight north past the assembled vultures, I mean reporters, around the ex-govs house. We ran by yelling On On and blowing whistles and horns. And despite that, some idiot bimbo reporter almost got run over because she wasn’t looking where she was going. I love idiots. They are fun to watch. But we didn’t linger and ran on to the north and eventually on a fairly north course headed across the El tracks and across Lawrence and into a strip park along the river. Somehow a bunch of FRBs were suddenly behind me yelling, “Are you On”. I must have missed a Check or a Split. Well someone was because they were Checking again at Argyle. Now here the park keeps going north and one who knows the area might think that the hares would keep us in the park and swing north and west and over to the hares house for a beer stop. They fucked us good here. The Dark Kunt, Horn-E and the visitor Double Fister were already heading north along the river path when the On call was made to the east, across the bridge and back south. Damn hares. Well done. We headed south through more park as the pack left Horn-E behind. He reached the point where the only one in sight was Magnetic Muff, sweeping. We again crossed Lawrence and headed east in the first alley. At the end we headed south on Rockwell, across the tracks and east for a block. We then headed south again where the sweep left a SC arrow for short cut. And several more along the way until the main trail came back to the short cut trail. Horn-E and Beer Spill Valdez needed that. Yeah, he was out there, somewhere behind Horn-E, but still valiantly struggling along with the after effects of that whopper. And no, I’m not referring to some bimbo. But the trail went on, through an Aldi parking lot and down the alley and over to Western. Still no one in sight. Damn. Then Horn-E heard whistles. There was another Check at Western and Berteau and apparently the whole pack followed Pool Job across Western. But there were no marks that way. Then, just before Horn-E got to the Check, about ten of the pack came from the west on another False and headed on trail to the south. That’s what Checks are for. Worked fine. Nailed the bastards. After a block we headed west and hashers were coming out of an alley with Too Much Head getting there just before Horn-E. We headed further west in an alley and then south to Irving Park. There is a big park across the street and trail went around the ball fields. Taste The Rainbow took off following trail. In the distance we could see the loop and The Dark Kunt and Horn-E took a short cut where the trail would have to exit the park. We also saw Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off and her virgin friend Just Marci in the distance doing the loop. They saw others on the other side of the fence so they led a bunch of bimbos over the fence. Well, Taste The Rainbow went over the fence like a rainbow over the Hancock building. But Just Marci drew blood. Well done on your first hash.
…..A few hundred feet later we were at the beer stop, in a parking lot behind a factory. Beer Spill Valdez finally made it in. The only missing hound was Chicken Stifer who apparently was off ranging again and lost trail. After the last of the beer, we walked on back to the bar where the missing Chicken Stifer was in front of a TV with the lone House Puppy, Its Too Soft.
…..Beer started to flow and Too Much Head acted as bar maid. Good. Now that she’s married, she needs to start serving us. Oh, yeah. She and our FRB of the day, Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey recently got married. Congrats. We did call out Beer Spill Valdez as DFL. Poultry Fucker was FBI. Double Fister was our visitor, but not for long. He is moving to Chicago by the end of summer. And there were to virgins, Just Marci and Just Angel. She drew blood on trail and he did a good job of staying near the front and not getting lost. Well done and welcome.
…..After circle we got the grill going and enjoyed hot dogs and plenty of beer until the $$$$$ ran out. About 11 and we were heading for the door. Good time. Others on trail, to far ahead of me to see what they did, included, O’Shitty Runch, Dark Side Of The Poon and Just William.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago 20 Jun 2011, by Horn-E
We hashed out of Moe’s and we had two hares, 69 Cent Man and Menage A Twat. What could go wrong. We had I believe 30 Trail Hounds for this fast paced run. Normally a twisting, turning 69 Cent Man would lead to many opportunities to catch up to the trail but this pack was really moving. We headed south and then around in the alley and back north on Central Park. The leaders were running through a big empty lot and to a Check on Milwaukee. I saw some hounds heading south and through another empty lot and soon there was an On call. We followed and did a quick loop that put me almost DFL. But the next loop had me in front for about ten feet heading down an alley to the west. From here on, the pack quickly left me behind as almost everyone but the walkers passed me by as we ended up on Diversey heading east. The 69 Cent Man tried to tell me to go east on the north side of the street, but I run to the sight of the lead hounds and they were a block away and heading south. After waiting for traffic lights at Milwaukee, the pack was now out of sight so I headed south on Milwaukee to intercept. I saw the last hasher, name unknown, following in an alley. Then he backed out and said they went west. So we headed west and back across Milwaukee. He headed north in an alley and that was way off. I headed southwest and then south for a long block and then back east finally finding a trail. Okay. No ground really lost. This led to a unmarked Check at Logan Square. Where’s the sweep? I was On right away and again found myself running south on Milwaukee. Trail went through a large parking lot and a bunch of locals said they went that a way and very fast. Well, I’m old and not. This eventually led me over to Fullerton and another unmarked Check. I got sort of lucky, but missed a turn and finally got back on trail west on Fullerton. Again. I came to another unmarked Check. finally I saw Tell It To My Nipples and two virgins. They were returning from the west and found no marks. So we went north and at the alley was a Triple Split. And so I ran a lot finding nothing and returned and those three were gone. This time I headed south and found marks. And at the third mark, someone had marked it as a true trail. I know it is the true trail. It is the third mark. We need these marks at the Check. But I digress. Running on I finally found some marked Splits and finally a Beer Near. This led down an alley and through a parking lot to an arrow pointing across the street. There was the 69 Cent Man waving me into an empty lot. Now, this was the beer stop, but no one was there. Couldn’t be. I’m way behind. But I thought it was just something to run through and going around looked easier. Here I encountered Ass Capades coming my way. He said they ran on to the On In and no beer stop, so they were back tracking. We returned to that empty lot and that was indeed the beer stop. The hare just wasn’t there when the pack ran by. I did say, “What could go wrong.” Now we know. About a dozen hounds eventually made it back there. So, after a beer we walked up Central Park and the 69 Cent Man drove back to the bar and got most of the pack to go to an impromptu beer stop in that first empty lot we ran through.
From here we walked back to the bar and finally got the circle going and the beer flowing. SnatchSquatch led the circle and besides the hares getting many, Pool Job got a bunch for countless accusations. The visitor was called out, Ass Ripper from Ann arbor. And a bunch of virgins were called out. I hope I got this right. First was Just Marsha, the mom of Two Girls And One Cupcake who managed to walk some of the course. Thanks for showing. Others included, Just Rob, Just Austin, Just Will, Just William and Just Maureen. Welcome to all and come back. We then drank on with all leaving before midnight.
Who else was on trail. To the best of my knowledge, we had The Dark Kunt, Or G, Crop Duster, Two Girls One Cupcake, Tampon Tampoff, Just Nancy, Darkside Of The Poon, Taste The Rainbow, R-Tard-E, Licker Leash, O’Shitty Runch, Back Door County, Sandy Syphilis, Just Dusty, Just Rob, Just Kelly, Just Miguel and Just Paul. We also had four house puppies, Wang Chunks, Way To Much Jism, EZ On The Ass and Its Too Soft.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 13 Jun 2011 by Horn-E
…..The hare was Fistful Of Pricks and we ran out of Bob Inn. We had 24 Trail Hounds at the start and enough House Puppies at the finish to out number some of the hashes this last winter. We took off to the west after a quick chalk talk and unfortunately we had some chalk on trail. That damn colored stuff that you can miss while standing right on it. We also had tiny little dollops of flour that looked like nipples, when you could find them. We quickly ran through several Splits and had a Check just before Milwaukee. This led west and under the tracks before heading up Milwaukee. The FRBs hit Logan Square and a Split. About a hundred feet straight, they found another dollop of flour. Ooops. The hare missed on this one. Actually, this was not supposed to be a mark after the Split, but a mark off of the Check we didn’t find yet. The other direction of the previous Split led right up to the monument at Logan Square. As us back enders slowly arrived on the scene, the pack had finally figured out that there was a Check at the monument and they were mostly scattered in a westerly direction. Licker Leash was back tracking from the monument as we arrived and we jointly figured out that this was actually the way to the Check. So Licker Leash and Horn-E went to explore that dollop of flour previously mentioned. And what do you know. This was the trail out of the Check. Licker Leash found a second dollop and then an arrow. A little confusing since this arrow was pointing north and not turning from the trail he was following. By the time Horn-E got there, he was long gone and a block north. Horn-E followed and found another dollop and blew the horn for the pack back at the monument. Running north he came up to a Triple Split at Diversey and Licker Leash was already three blocks east. ON. He called On to Chicken Stifer across the street and he ran east. And now the FRBs in rapidly passed Horn-E and even the mid pack runners passed him. Several blocks later we had another Split and the pack went north, yelling On. Chicken Stifer kept going straight and I didn’t see him again until the beer stop. Meanwhile we ran north and under the highway and then east, and east, and east. Finally, just before the river we headed north to Belmont and over the river. I could see the last runner ahead of me wearing a red shirt. Who was that? Finally, following trail, I spotted Licker Leash in an alley looking for a port a let and crawling through a fence to get at one. Oooops. So we finally ran on together, under western and on south on Clybourn. We had one Check to solve ourselves and Horn-E finally found that. Then we headed further south on Clybourn until we went around the abandoned projects. This led past the hare house and the presumed beer stop. Not. That had to mean Sin Calzones house on Logan Blvd. Right. We did run into 10 Diks With Wings and W Jew 40 on the way and Licker Leash ran off while the three of us followed trail over to Logan and another long straight to the beer stop. Where we last? I knew a lot didn’t pass me after we found that Check at Logan, so were they behind. Of course some just short cut to the beer stop, because they were there and didn’t pass me. Short Cutting Bastards. Much later four more arrived with Corn Star leading them and Poultry Fucker pulling up the rear and officially DFL.
…..Good beer was served and we all hung around telling tall tales. Finally the beer was gone and we mostly walked back except for Dickens Cider and a visitor, Saigon Sally who ran on in.
…..Only canned beer sold here and 16s of PBR were soon flowing. Two Girls One Cupcake wasn’t the hare, but walked around like a bunny all night with trays of beer. And Beer Spill Valdez started circle and eventually did a down down from that tray of spilled beer. The hare got many for her trail and marks. The FRB was Dark Side Of The Poon and the FBI was Dickens Cider. We had a virgin, Just Ryan who did a fine job downing his beer. Sandy Syphilis did a poor job of demonstrating how to do a down down by not finishing her beer and not inverting it over her head. But we had another demo hound and Chunder Pussy did it right. We also had our visitor, Saigon Sally to give a down down and he sang a short song. Then we invited the new transplant, Barffly to Chicago. Hope she comes back and tries all of the hashes in town. 5 Hole Failure got called out for wearing long socks on a warm night. Yeah, but she also had the shortest shorts. Yeeeaaah. And Just Annie was back for the second week in a row. Yeeeaaah.
…..So, who else was on trail. SnatchSquatch, Uploader, O’Shitty Runch, Ass Capades, The Dark Kunt and Just Julie.
…..And the long list of House Puppies were Wang Chunks, Salty Gash, Sin Calzones, Crop Duster, Just Nancy, Soul Taco, Its Too Soft, Ice Princess, EZ On The Ass, Dump Me Hump Me, and Way To Much Jism. Lets get something straight so some hashers will quit complaining about being called a House Puppy when they were working. We all know that some can’t make it because they are working or injured or some other reason. One of the original founders used to quite fittingly called them posers and I used that expression for years. But I came up with this expression recently. Not so much as a put down, but to establish the difference between those that actually hashed, the Trail Hounds and those that stayed “in house”. And if you can’t take a joke, how do you hash or get through circles. You are all welcome to join us whenever you can make it. We hope you will actually hash, because that is what we are about. But come and have fun whenever you can and for whatever level you can muster. We’re all friends.
On On
Horn-E

The Tale of the Trail
The Chicago Hash 6 Jun 2011 by Horn-E
The bar was picked by Lifa, The Piano Man. They are normally closed on Mon. Lifa called the owner and set it up to be open for us with $5 pitchers. So far, so good. But somewhere between what Lifa thought we were getting and what the bartender delivered, there was a loss of communication. Shit happens. She opened about 2PM or there about and her shift ended by 8:30 or there about. When the visitor Pied Piper arrived, he talked to her and told her what we were doing. She asked when we would be back. About 9PM. She told him she would be closed. This was relayed to our GM, SnatchSquatch, but he believed we were covered. We weren’t. We learned at the beer stop that the bar was closed already. What? Panic. A phone call was made and Its Too Soft opened his rooftop deck to the hash for the On In, over a mile away. Thanks.
But, lets not get ahead of ourselves. I counted 29 trail hounds at the start that included five virgin hounds. Lifa road up on a bike, just as we were about to start. Trail headed north for a block and then through an alley as we worked our way over to Irving Park and our first Check. O’Shitty Runch was soon On to the west and we quickly started heading south and further west through local streets and alleys and staying relatively close together with the left, right course slowly heading into a big loop. We did have a big re-group at Lincoln and Melrose at a Check giving me a chance to catch up and actually start checking. Naturally I was in the wrong direction when trail was found in an alley heading west. That was the last I saw of Pied Piper who never made the beer stop. I saw the pack already coming south to Melrose and headed straight west on Melrose and under the tracks where the pack headed south. Two blocks later, we looped back to the east and I was able to give SnatchSquatch a little, all right, very little, short cut. Again we regrouped at Belmont and Paulina. And just as I arrived, hashers started heading south, but no one was really calling On. So Horn-E headed into a parking lot and worked his way south looking for marks. None. But now the pack was finally calling On heading south and Horn-E emerged through a school yard at Barry where Just Adriana was running by. We headed east to Ashland and caught a light and regrouped. Headed further east and north through some alleys. Horn-E was following, it seemed like all day, Mouthful Of Meat and The Dark Kunt when they avoided the alley. Finally catching and passing them he headed north in an alley with Magnetic Muff trying to keep the fading pack in sight. We headed east on Melrose and finally regrouped again at Halsted. Trail went through a parking lot, at least the short cut did and down an alley where we finally came to Broadway. This is where I finally figured out that we were going to the park for a beer stop. and there was those same two bimbos, tied at the hip, The Dark Kunt and Mouthful Of Meat, again ahead of me and walking with SnatchSquatch. Horn-E just ran right on by, smelling that beer. And at Sheridan, we headed right through the tunnel to a beer stop at the playground. And in that heat, we needed that.
But not everyone made it there and some found the bar and it being closed. Like I said earlier, the cell phones were blazing. Cell phones are to hashing like paint by numbers is to art. While straightening out this mess, somewhat, and getting a nice On In venue, if we didn’t have them and returned to find the bar closed, we’d have just gone to another bar. Hashers make it work. Cell phones just take away some of the spontaneity of hashing and fuck ups. Somehow, it loses something. According to Pied Piper, he managed to talk the bartender into letting him in for a quick one. But she had closed the bank and was closed. A bunch of us headed off to Its Too Soft’s roof top. Horn-E and Just Tim, a virgin from Hammond headed off on a short cut heading for Binny’s for beer, while the rest of the back headed south in the park.
Some went back to the bar to get cars and bags. Pied Piper told me he went by Chicken Stifer at his shag wagon and he wouldn’t tell him where we were going. Huh. But he got the address and actually ran into Horn-E and Just Tim walking down the street and we directed him. When we got to the roof, we were first with beer and about ten thirsty hounds were waiting. Soon more beer arrived and all was now good. Beer Spill Valdez led us in a circle and called in the hare, again and again. Its Too Soft was called in. But really, he deserves thanks for providing a last second back up. Thanks. Horn-E asked everyone to help clean up, because this wasn’t his party and shouldn’t be his job. Pool Job did a good job of helping Horn-E and Horn-E carried six beer containers down to the trash filled with empties. The Virgins were called out and included Just Tim, Just Annie, Just Davis, Just Carolyn and Just Curt. For some reason they also called Just Adriana out. She lost her virginity at the Moon Hash on Sat. But she was new to these hounds. Unfortunately, Just Tim had to leave right away to catch a train and we can only hope he will return. Not all trails get screwed us and he should get more beer time next time. And to all of the virgins, please return often and try some of the other hashes in town also. And Mouthful Of Meat is leaving Chicago for Portland. We wish her well.
Who else made it on trail, Fistful Of Pricks, R-Tard-E, Darkside Of The Poon, Licker Leash, Bang Me Blow Me Get Me Off, Cum In My Ass Fault, Taste The Rainbow, Four Finger Discount, Are They Real, Ass Capades, Just Nancy, Crop Duster and Or G. Besides Its Too Soft who opened his house, we had one other House Puppy, Tampon Tampoff.
On On
Horn-E