Tale of the Trail – 5th Annual Great Chicago Anthrax Scare & Santa Run
12.16.06 1469/Anthrax/Santa Hat Hash
The mismanagement team showed up around 1:45 pm and was helped out by VirtualY Hung, Copulator, and U got MY ROD with the 100 lbs of gear we had to carry mainly 60-70 lbs worth of Haberdashery. Rear loader and I handed out shirts and tags and collected regos. It was funny to see a rendition of Jesus saves performed with what looked like a real Jesus in the middle (HORN-E). It was pretty cool to see many old faces like LICK HER HARD and SMELLY CONCHA return to the hash but we also had many virgins including JUST AMY, JUST ANTOINETTE, JUST JOHN, JUST DO ME SLOWLY wait she’s not a virgin!!! I also meet FINGER PICKIN GOOD who flew in from Little Rock that day just to hash with us! Too bad he flew back out at 8 pm he missed half the fun!!! MILK MY YAK arrived with the bio-hazard suits and soon the Rock was nothing but white with red Santa’s hats. You could even hear the call of 69-CENT man saying Red Eye page 39. HORN-E says we set the record for the largest hash this day in Chicago because we had 95 paid regos and Numerous people who showed up late to party with us at the ON-ON-ON-IN. Lets try to rebreak the record for 1500 this Summer? I have to thank MILK and REAR for helping distribute everything so we were ready to roll by 3 pm.
The circle was made across the street from the Rock where the CH3 GM was maliciously attack by HORN-E’s girlfriend in the chalk talk. I tried to defend myself with my antlers to no avail. ITS TOO SOFT said to me once if you want to be GM there will be days like these. After a quick chalk talk the pack was off south down Halsted helped out by CALVIN and PMS who took it upon themselves to stop traffic for 2 minutes maybe that is why officer De Lecruz called me twice during our run. NOTE for 1500 make sure we again alert the police they were most understanding of our fun run this day. The pack was soon in the heart of Lincoln Park where LIFA and BONER were hot on the trail set by the hares, but no!!!! There was a false trail set to the condo of CHICKEN no beer here fellas go back to the last mark by St. Clements. BALLSALOTPUS was snapping pictures left and right of the white and red clad pack, which for some reason came out a little blurry oh darn. The trail went back up North on Broadway where VIPER SNATCH this time took over the duty of traffic control to allow hashers to cross. Nice job!!! CP and JUST DO ME SLOWLY did the usually check hang here waiting for the FRB’s to report that they found the trail. Soon we were on the overly used corner of Diversey and Sheridan with a check that went into the park. Man those Big-Humpers must have been hurting because they all were trying to win the DFL award today.
The pack traveled south revisiting all the areas which were closed off for the great Anthrax scare of 2002. Most of the tail of the pack hung with the hare short cutting through the mud of Lincoln Park. Even JUST JOHN in from Michigan kept up all the way to the beer stop. Many hashers stopped for the photo op created by running through the zoo, I think I heard someone shout I SEE CAMELS! or was it CAMEL TOE!! You never know with this bunch. The pack made their way through the zoo and final out where they hit a major back check on trail. I think JUST PATTI and JUST JESSE found the correct trail here. Further south we hit the Turkey-Eagle split, which was never mentioned in the chalk talk dumbass Hares!! If you went Eagle you found the trail looped around the Chicago Historical society if not you went directly to BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED place where several Jell-o shots were waiting for the pack. It is here where an unfortunate incident took place. Several hashers including U GOT MY ROD, RHOTAN, MOUNT ME, and others decided to follow some very faded check instead of follow the CLEARLY marked beer near sign on the corner of Wells and Lincoln. This caused them to completely miss the beer stop. I really feel bad for them ……. NOT!!
After a 20 minute stop in the Ivory tower overlooking the park the hash was on again. The trail ran through the DePaul neighborhood but before it went there it went thru OZ park where several hashers including TRIASSALON and PRINCESS LABIA gained five-ten pounds of mud by running thru the ball diamond. All we needed then was a ref and a ring and we could have had instant Mud wrestling with these two gorgeous hashers. I think this would have drove the price of the hash upwards to $50 or more. In the Words of my friend though “You can’t pay for entertainment like that!” Several hashers were getting tired so I sent them on the short cut and said go to FUJI’s place well they went there but guys FUJI don’t live there any more! You see over the Summer he moved, I know this because I helped him MOVE!!! And I think he even invited all of you to his new place and just in case you don’t know where it is. It is at 933 W. Wolfram. The hare doubled back on the trail and I think I corralled most of the pack to ITS TOO SOFT for the second beer stop around 5 pm and we all were done hashing for one day. On wards to Durkins!!
It was a good thing I went to Durkins first because they were not going to let people in without ID’s after a little shouting done by REARLOADER and a conversation between Ursuala, the Hostess, and I, The GM convinced them that the average age of our group was 30 years plus. I think it helped when people like HORN-E, MUDSUCKER, 69-CENT MAN, and RHOTAN walked in. They did card people like TWO-HANDED STROKE and BARKS on ALL FOURS because they are youngsters. Everyone wanted food, When do we eat?? Is all I heard, but I think you will agree DOWN DOWNS on a full stomach can be hard so we began the circle. I think we can all agree ITS TOO SOFT made a classic move by getting the Bull Horn for CALVIN and HORN-E made a great call by getting the Hashshit award, by the way where did that thing go?? Let me know because I don’t have it. The hares were brought in the circle for Shitty trail as is customary. JUST INGA who showed up for every hash since boots and utes got her lanyard and whistle. This made JUST JESSE jealous, but she can get hers if she shows up once for a hash and for hash ball in Feburary. But I think all will agree the sight of the night was seeing 10-15 virgins receive their first DOWN-DOWN in the circle. I have to admit the CANS on 2 CAN SLAM were indescribable even Ed the bar manager raised an eyebrow to that because he couldn’t raise a beer while on the job. DMB and HUMMERS paid the price for trying to get the hares drunk the night before with a down down. We even sang Happy Birthday to TOO LOOSE to SCREW, and in the process almost lit CALVINS RA robe on fire!! SMELL THIS even got his own down down when we found his picture in a magazine. The best description I heard that night was he was trying to impersonate Freddy Mercury, Dear GOD I hope we still have that picture or can we get a copy it needs to be on the website!!! Around 7pm the food arrived and the hash was ravenous. I have to Thank ROTTEN WHORE for playing the part of hostess because she kept filling the empty trays with food. I have to say we should have given her man ODOR EATER a down down for hashing in a suit what is up with that!!
By 8 pm everyone looked well feed and watered down oh!! I mean beered down and Calvin reopened the circle. More abuse was poured out from the RA who looked pleasantly pleased with his new drinking vessel. Guard it with your life because many have tried to take my chalice!! It was nice to talk with MR. And MRS. ED in from Minneapolis they said they had a blast, which I think was the general feeling of all present. Later when things seemed to be winding down MAGNETIC MUFF tried to start her own naked hash. I think it was a smart move not too because Lincoln Park cops don’t mess around just ask HUMPTY DUMPTY who I heard got arrested? I saw CHEAP DATE go home early saying the words “I’m so DRUNK!!!” I just must take a minute to thank ITS TOO SOFT, who in his infinte wisdom used flour fours years ago to lay trail in a heavily populated area like Lincoln Park. On the serious side a special thanks needs to go out to ITS TOO SOFT for his constant updating of the CH3 website and his constant picture taking. I may joke with him and say “There’s something you don’t see everyday a Japanese man taking pictures!” but if he didn’t do this and do it for free our hash would not run as well as it does.